I am a teenage introvert:

My bed is unkempt and I long for forgiveness - mainly from myself and possibly my mirror

I worship the cynical and complain how much I hate school - even though I hate when I stay home

My fingers are etching maps in my head, while I form an excuse to skip, even though I never do

I look for acceptance, anywhere. No one uses words anymore and the rooms are silent.

Miscommunication starts fights so I never speak up. Late nights on Netflix - succeeding at nothing

I am a teenage stereotype:

I save for concerts and buy cd’s. I long to drive someday and having the prospects of college. Filled with wanderlust I cry myself to sleep. Dreaming of not waking up - but getting home sick at home.

I am confused.

uncertainty
insecure
falling for all the jerks
never wanting
to be wanted
here i lurk
waiting and wanting
wishing and pursing
to be a normal girl
to be me
to be perfectly
complete
to be
a rose of such standard
a spring is born

Life is full of beauty. The stars in the sky. A lovers embrace. The leaves changing color and falling to the ground. A cat's meow. A husband and wife - together after 50 years. A child's laugh. A mother's cry of happiness. Young love. Kids riding bikes. A family spending time together. The gentle wave of the ocean. The sunset. The sunrise. Everything in between. Life is full of beauty.

2. Life may change for the worse. You could get laid-off or your lover may leave. A family member may die or a baby might die in the womb. A child may start failing school. Someone might get sick - very sick. But...

3. Life may change for the better. You might get that promotion. You child may get straight A's. A person's sickness will be healed. A baby might be born. Your lover might say 'I do'. You might travel to a new country. You might buy a house and raise a family. But,, whatever life throws at you, take it with a smile and grace. Something good is coming.

4. Life is supposed to be lived. Go sky-diving. Tell your boss to go to hell. Tell your lover you want them forever. Have a kid. Or adopt 10 kids. Write that novel that 'is a horrible idea'. Learn to play the trumpet. Travel to Europe. Join the Peace Corps. Run for mayor. Run for president. Tell your lover that you just don't feel that spark anymore. Read a book. Open a book store. Bake. Laugh. Love. Dream. Breathe. Life is here to be lived by you!

5. Life should be full of kindness. Never tell someone they are worthless it. That's how someone becomes depressed and angry at life. Tell someone they are worth it. Tell them everything will be alright. Read your little sister a book. Help your neighbors with their garden. Or shovel their driveway when it snows. Tell someone to have a nice day. Tell someone they are beautiful and mean it.  Give someone positive feedback. Give and do not expect to get. Spend time with your family. Help with a protest. Go fishing with your 72 year old grandpa. Smile at a stranger. Just don't be mean because people accept what they get. And if they only receive cold remarks from others, they may give up on life. So do a good deed and be kind.

6. Life is full of surprises... so go love life!

there is books stacked in the corner and words flow out of every nook and cranny
a single light burns in the middle of the room
a light that dissolves your mask, a light that highlights ever scar you cut
on my oh-so innocent face, that was never touched by a man
you burned and branded what you wanted into my head
a head full of imagination, now empty of thought
you poured acid in my mouth, to cease my right of speaking
a mute... a freak of nature, with pink ribbon scars tattooing my arms
my freckles hide behind tears and mascara
no longing knowing freedom - caged by you, a fake friend
a fake man
i thought a man was supposed to protect their girl from harm
not cause the harm themselves, but of course it is not entirely your fault
maybe if i never said yes to your offer, without reading the fine print
maybe if i wasn't such a little girl, when you wanted a tough woman
but you can see my past in black-and-white
and the past in never pretty
i've never experienced a boy-meets-girl relationship... but i've known of a boy-hates-girl relationship
but now the light showcases this on a podium for all to see
maybe i'm not as crazy as you think
maybe i'm just human - diseased

to be the girl you want
or to just be me
nothing can make you happy, but everything can make me sad
it just takes a glare from you and i burst open
my heart fluttering through walls and corrupting time, running away from the demons inside
it only takes your face, a place of disgrace, to trigger old memories
i want to be forgotten, never rising up to a challenge again, i just want
peace of mind and ease of body
i want to have a calm soul, not misplaced by your presence or your cold words
don't look at me with pity in your mind
look at me and think the truth, that i am a whirl-pool of emotions
i am the seasons changing-- a flash and i'm gone
i am the lone seagull you see at the marina, a warning of what's to come
i am the rainbow after a storm, but always that first strike of lightning
the sun shines on me, but the moon also shines
i am the moon's light, always there, but everyone only notices the moon
the stars are always there, but only the people who enjoy simple things, notice them
the busy-bodies of society just glance on by
i am the wind, a force to be reckoned with
i am the rain, beautiful after a harsh drought
i am the wave of water, that crashes over your head, as you try to remain dry
i am the lone ranger and your just a rebel
i am Wonder Woman and your just a sexist, never seeing the person inside the gender
i am never going to crawl back, so stop waiting
let's just move on
because i am a salmon, swimming back up stream
away from all fishermen--including you

you don't understand me
but do you even care to try?
let me introduce myself
i am Sam
born into a winter wonderland, at the peak of the Christmas season, with the smell of pine and gingerbread
my mother was a brown-haired beauty who loved as much as anyone could
my father was a diligent working man, who secretly was a head-banger
or not so secretly anymore
i'm the youngest of two girls
my sister was considered a basket-case, until she moved us all with her art
each family has a child with a problem - or is a problem
i had a brain problem, i couldn't operate correctly and no doctor could find the time to find my instruction manual... but they did fix me, at some point
after i was the guinea pig who had to endure test after test and all of their wannabe God decisions
i was the girl at school who people thought came from France
i had an accent, they said
i told them, no
i was born here, under the stars, my mom telling me that the sky was mine to see and create
they laughed and would walk away
i could see it in their eyes
she's weird, they thought
they kept there distance for seven years, solitude fit me well
i had friends, three i think
but they all eventually left, and i was alone again
but, when i was nine, i found a pen and a piece of paper
and i wrote about how beautiful the flowers were
and how big the sky seemed, how lustful the wind seemed, and how i thought it was calling me
my parents read it and smiled, knowing i had finally found the thing that set me free
i wasn't good at sports, but i was a real bookworm
preferring characters to real people, because  Harry Potter was the boy that lived
and if he could survive the dark lord i would survive school and all the mean girls that came with it
they didn't take notice of me till i was fourteen and i got contacts and a gleam in my eye
i started to carry a book-bag and wear make-up and i instantly became "cool"
but i did not want their friendship, i had tried to be there friends a million times
always being shot-down because i was a "nerd" and everyone knew it was bad to be smart
because you had to have a brain to be smart and you had to think on a daily basis
on more than what we just learned in the classroom
i'm now a freshmen and i have four years until i can be free
let go from my birdcage and just fly above the world, touching the stars and reaching my dreams
oh, hi
i'm Sam
i can only be
me

It's finally friday

I go to a school where the students are higher than the grades
where people go to parties to get drunk, so they don't have to steal from their parents
and the parents know this but they do not care

I go to a school where the teachers tell us to get enough sleep, but to study
oh and don't forgot to be involved
the girls hide out in the bathrooms, purging their sorrows into the toilets
then coming out to fix their make-up and smile to the rest of the world

I go to a school where the bags under the eyes are bigger than a standardized test
and where the cuts on wrists ( which we all act like we don't see) are deeper than the
ambitions
The rich kids are cracking under stress and getting higher than their G.P.A
and I'm hiding out in the hallway, after having a panic attack

I go to a school where we  all hate ourselves
but we all smile the same
and we all talk the same
we repeat the same **** sentences until the final bell is rung

I go to a school where more kids die than graduate
I go to a school where I know all the best spots for crying
I go to a school where I don't really like my friends

But, now it's the weekend.
Don't forget the test on Monday

i sit here
my mind slowly releasing me into insanity
into teenage depression
into the unknown of all I've ever known
i bang my head, but i no longer feel pain
almost immune

perhaps its the lack of sunlight, eh?

but
it's probably me turning a rose into only a
pile of thorns
dramatic
i try to hold on
but then i release
i can feel you in my grasp
but then i feel your warm embrace slipping away

i almost feel heaven
but then I'm transported to Hell

i choose to read
not a thought of doubt
when i make up my mind
to grow and to learn
ever does bind

but i did not choose this
my insane life
no i did not
but i would not sell it ever
and no one would buy

let me be
never mind-bending me
just let me breathe
beautiful life

you never liked me
i was your second choice
i was your insanity
outfitted in black
bleak rain drops caress my face
but i mistake them for tears
i mistake them for feelings of
regret
remorse
sadness
filling me up, i'm about to burst
so please just say it
out loud
you cheated
on
me

I touch the soft, battered
photograph of me, you, and
him
of you and the man you loved
and me, your five year old niece
you were completely and honestly
my best friend
but a cruel world
took you away

i now laugh in the face of death
as if it is noting but a mere
dream
i believe i still do not
understand the problems with being so
closed-off

i love you, my sweet uncle mike
those pills that took you
were filled with a sweet medicine
a nice mixture of hate and love
of dreams and reality

but, in the end, they still took you away
they still killed my perfect
artistic and loving
uncle mike

I see the world in black and white
The rich man complex is blowing up the world
But, the price comes with a bite
and I am just a girl
I see the world in black and white
The world is big and such a fright
My family is killed of in some war
I am left home to starve
Become an adult, left to lead
This is what I see on the TV
The rich man gets richer
The world starts to die
I want to see the world in color
To be blind to the terror and injustices
and act like the world is okay
But, I can't close my eyes
all will not stop moving, like I'm playing sims
I see the world in black and white
Sometimes beautiful
Sometimes a fright.

i tell myself someday i'll start living
not just breathing and moving
and using fake ****** expressions
i don't wanna make waves as a freshmen
'cause i know one you throw the stone
you don't control the ripple
and the waves can reach many shores
so i'm afraid to become attached
and afraid to say how i feel
i'm not comfortable with myself
hell, i'm barely comfortable with people
if it weren't for my three really good friends
Camille, Elizabeth, and Lexi
would i still smile
no
would i start living
no

living, to me, is doing what you love
every **** day
and loving people
and being happy
all the time
and listening to music that makes you dance
going outside
being able to sit with people and not wanting to leave, or feeling like your being judged
not judging yourself
loving yourself
making beautiful art, but no one gets it except you
and when someone does understand it, you fight for them, because you know it's meant to be
and if they slip through you  hands, you move on
no regrets
no broken promises
you go after each dream
every **** one

and one day, you'll die
but you won't say "i wish i did this..."
you'll smile and say
"i'm glad i did this..."

i think it's the saddest thing in the world that some people aren't living
in a sense, they are already dead
they are just atoms moving through the air
until the air stops coming
and the atoms cease to move
they die
never knowing
life

poetry is the whole piece that fills the void that you left
please clean up after yourself next time
i speak so nonchalantly about it, but i feel as if i'm dead
poetry is the only thing not filled to the brim with dread
i want to live like a normal teenager
but memories bounce around my head, like they are trying to crack my skull
and flood the earth, like Pandora's Box
i volunteer as a scrape-goat
to be sacrificed, so more deserving people never feel pain
take my ability to speak and give it to the Gods as a gift
i want people to know, i've just been hurt
no, i'm not depressed
yes, i was suicidal
no, i didn't cut
i just wanted it.. to end
the pain is.. subdued
cynical and screaming
i was stuck in a storm
rain pouring on my head
no one was around for miles, and i was drowning in sorrow
now, i only see sunshine

when i move out to the city
to be inspired by the gold that awaits and glitters
and i live in an apartment by that little coffee shop i went to one day
and i have my diploma from college, sitting by all my candles
my studio, smelling like white chai and lavender scented incense
and i have a published book full of poetry
i'll finally be happy
complete

but i always sit back and ask myself
after the beautiful daydream
what if i don't live in the city
what if i don't get accepted to college
what if i don't become published
what if no one buys my book
what if i don't graduate
what if i major in business instead of english literature
what if i get scared and move back home
what if i stop writing
what if don't get a job
what if i have no more time to write
what if...what..if

i do make it in the city
i do graduate from my dream college, adorned in purple and gold
i do have a studio, filled to the brim with tea and watercolor paintings
i do live by some hidden little coffee shop, i don't even remember the name of
did it even have a name?

the thing is i have years before college
years before going after my dreams
so i won't know what will happen
but no one knows except
me
and i will someday
someday in the city
with a book in my hands with the title...
what if?

I know a girl who keeps syringes in her purse
and razor blades in her bed-side table
she plays games and watches her loved ones hurt each other
a sick drama unfolding while she hides in the shadows
getting her poison through needles and her needles through dealers
she plays her eyes up, cat-style
and her hair up, willingly eating out of strange men's hands
she smokes her paychecks and steals to get by
she wants to be an actress, but over-sleeps on audition days
her eyes fold over and her lids turn purple
her savings burst into flames and her hair falls out
she walks alone, with hundreds of friends
she prays to a God, who she doesn't believe in
I know a girl, unknown.

I read a book and it was called "Spring"
because that's what season it was and it was perfectly accompanied by tea
my parents were in love and my sister was talking about college
i told my grandpa and he told me how bright i was
i went to church and loved Jesus with all my heart
this was the time i graduated eighth grade with big ambitions
and a set of friends
this was the year i cried about leaving
not from sadness - but because i was set free

I read a book and it was called "Addiction"
because that's what was talked about at home and what made my sister yellow with age
my parents were in love and my sister was in trouble
i told my grandpa and he just continued to ignore me
i still went to church but was too tired on Sundays
this was the time that the sun started setting sooner and talks about school were being said
this was the year i cried about high school
not from sadness - but from fear

I read a book and it was called "The End"
because that's what i felt was coming
my parents still love each other and they are partners-in-crime
my sister stopped speaking the truth long ago and turned to smoking chimneys
i told my grandpa and he got ******, still not focusing on me
i stopped going to church, watching others play God
this was the time that high school ****** me in and messed with my head
this was the year that i cried about friends
not from sadness - but from pain

I read one more book and it was called "Nothing"
because that's what was in my head
my parents are in love
my sister is falling through the cracks
my grandpa stopped calling
are you there God?
it's me, Sam
this was the time that the sink was emptied and bags formed under eyes
this was the year i cried over loss
not from sadness - but from the unknown

I stopped reading books.

"imaginative, keep writing"
these words
they ringed through my head more than the high-pitched school bell did
behind me
i thought about this intently
my parents and friends always said i did good with poetry
but some people acted like it was a petty hobby
a easy lifestyle, if i may
but this teacher
who was so much wiser than others before her
knew what she was talking about
she gave me the final push
the final pull
that helped me write this and many others
even when faced with a soul-eating depression
if i miss anything about that hell-forsaken place
it will be that angel on wheels that showed me
the light

adele will never have a song that makes me think about me and you
my friends always told me to leave you
but i said "no. i like him. he's mine and he's cute."
disney lied to me
i will never have a prince charming
only a relationship full of deceit
if your going to cheat
at least don't lie to me
be honest
it truly is the best policy
and don't hide from me
when i get suspicious
cause it only tells me i'm right
your no longer my late-night phone call
or the one who holds my hand
you know longer deserve me
i'm the best you'll ever have

You are gone.
Evaporating, the fog drifting through my hands, I clasp at nothing.
But a fragmented memory of us - now just steam from the shower.
Your eyes never saw, like your lips never raced against time to save me from -
Falling down a deep abyss with broken glass on the bottom.
I was there before you meet me, but give me a light to find my way out
Don't re-lock the chains on my poisoned mind.
I am losing it - every bit of it - my poetry now spews blood
Good night, my love.

You are gone.
A flutter of wings from a hummingbird and I sigh once again
You were like an old friend - fixating on shiny drops of water.
When you took your key and left without a note, something snapped (perhaps a bone?)
My mind rolled from side to side, in a sea of emotion - My mind sinking lower and lower until
I realize..

The shiny drops of water were a storm brewing
Rain.

it's 11:56 and my thoughts bounce back to you
how you entered my life as a hurricane and
used me as your life preserver
until the calm
i was your apartment before your house
i was your appetizer before your meal
was it because we never kissed?
all of your friends with a ******* the arm always kissed between classes, hidden behind textbooks
with you to watch as you start to envy them and despise me, the one you were supposed to love
i really wanted to kiss you
have the out-of-body experience behind the school
and have your hands on the small of my back
and my barely reaching your neck as i stand on tip-toe
or was it because there were other girls coming after you
telling you
i was a cheater (never was)
i was just a kid (i was a month older than you)
i was a ***** (never had my first kiss)
and your ears ate up their ****** remarks
like it was starving
they had not be listening for months
you never held my hand (didn't want to be committed?)
but the truth is, you tried to seem cool, maybe you actually tried to hold on to me
but did you know i cried every night
because the fear of losing you started to break the cracks
already placed on my delicate heart
but, don't change the story... i broke up with you
i had a crush on a ****, from the rich part of town, he had pretty blue eyes, like the ocean
vast and mysterious
but i dated an envious, power-hungry, ****, with pretty blue eyes, like the ocean
devious with a current that changed

Remembering all my yesterdays
haunt my perplexed youth and the future of my adulthood
I want to remember the innocence my hands once grasped
and forget the bitterness of past
I play all day - with the idea of a better world
filled with literature and tea and no ***** words
pink frills of hope and cold rain on the window
I am no longer a little girl - but i want to be
not worrying about sizes, but if the streetlights are on
Today I wear black tights with ripped seams
but tomorrow these years of being misunderstood and chronically confused
will be a mere memory

I am whole ;
I could tell myself that a million times
and not believe it once.

Trying to stay positive with anxiety/depression is like trying to jump waves with a tsunami

And I’m drowning with a smile plastered on my face

“I’m fine”

Our Crayola crayons have become blunts and our juices boxes are turning into kegs

Teachers try to pry into our personal lives and relate                                     but every mistake we make they turn into a story to scare the other kids

Every mistake is a new lesson plan or lecture ; It’s scary how much teachers can tease

They ask us how we feel and we say “great” “fine” “awesome”                      but do they not see the pain on our faces and the war in our hearts?

And every decision we make affects our future because we’re supposed to pick a career in our teens

How do I feel, really?

Pressured and analyzed and hurt because my hearts been broken three different times this year

and I want to know if I’ve grown up enough to hold his hand

because cooties have turned into love and we’re stupid enough to believe it will last

We’re being cast in our on plays because Hollywood was empty of adults who always played 15 year olds because they want us to think we need to look like that

They sell us things we don’t need because we’re too trusting and don’t bother to ask “do I really look like that?”

But, then they go on a mission plan to fight teen suicide and help teens who have turned to drugs to feel something

This is not Dawson Creek or Degrassi

This is the lives of actual people who have feelings and not lines to read

So, please stop covering up your tracks

because when you throw a stone into an ocean, the ripple can (and will) reach many shores

And stop telling me that, at 15, I should be grown up

i wish happiness was a given
but it's not a universal gift
you aren't born and given a lifetime of happiness
you have to work for it, fight for it
you can be sad, with no effort at all
you only have to wake up

i wish i was happy
all the time
i have my moments where i wish i could just take a picture of all of these moments
maybe i'll start too
so whenever i'm sad
i can relive happy times
like when i get to drink tea and read
or it rains at night

i remember when i was four
i had an uncle
a best friend really
who looked happy
he wore a mask every **** time he saw me
maybe that's why i do it
every **** day
but when he came, once a day
in the evening, when the stars would start to come out
he always brought his partner, "map"
i just thought he was my second uncle
like my uncle kevin's wife was my aunt
but one night he didn't come
the next day i found out he died
years later i would find out he swallowed a bottle of advil and just waited
i thought it was because of me
but no
he was terminally un-happy
so i wish i had pictures of happy times, i could show him
could of showed him

i wish i had pictures i could show myself
i wish i could be terminally happy
but i guess being un-happy runs in the family

dear whoever-made-the-world,
please make happiness a gift that never fades
is never like a shooting star that barely catches our eye
but when it does, it's already gone
dear, a girl who might die un-happy

This poem is for the criminally insane

So unloved by themselves

They plot the ****** of their wrists daily - seen as lost causes

This poem is for the people who are envied

but no one knows their story or how they drink and get drunk

taking shots of off Vogue magazine

This poem is for the ignored

who no longer care enough to get out of bed

skipping school and day dreaming of meeting their maker

This is for everyone.

You are loved

i'm getting dizzy from your downward spiral
your making me spin out of control
i want out
freedom
but your arms are entwined into mine
having locked me to you
but, i now longer love you
to be honest i never did
i want to make beautiful things
magical, intelligent art
and you give me so much inspiration
but i would rather be a dead poet
than to continue my life
-or whatever god would call his creation that is me-
with you
goodbye..

I'm screaming
but no one can hear me
I'm falling
but there is no one there to lift me up
just standing there
just breathing the same air
but you don't look up
not even a stolen glance
but do i care
yes
intensely i care
but your too blind to see
too deaf to hear
to evil to love
to conceited to care

I am a poetry girl:
my eyes shed red longing, petals fall from roses
only leaving thorns to break through the scarred skin that caresses my hands
the green of trees fill my eyes, asking me about why do i even try
to breathe through the fog

my eyes, my pupils feed on knowledge
feed on literature of the new age and of past masters
who have traveled through the same mind-bending world which path
i have chose to take
the soft trickle of rain become puddles
like girl fades into dust and becomes nothing

bullies
i've grown up thinking people ******
sometimes i still do
but i want them to have a clean slate
but will it only make me more
lonely
i want to start fresh
act like i'm meeting them all for the first time
brand-new
new school
wish me luck
or i might lose my muse
the people i write about
they deserve my thanks for many great poems i have written
but they still cracked
me

its really sinking in now
the new me, the one that's not shy
or afraid of the dark
the new sam who can be anyone
travel anywhere
who doesn't let people bully her
or guys just lead her astray
but i'm not feeling better
i'm just feeling ok

high school will be that monumental step into some new life
and i plan to succeed in every way
but i don't want people to recognize me
dyed hair, contacts, new clothes, new friends
the perfect disguise

welcome to heaven
you just had to live in hell for a couple years till we knew you could make it
just knocked you down a few times
before you could awake a new person
well, i'm  friends with God now
he'll protect me
but everyone else, won't even know me

four years
no tears
no fears
just sam
i can
just be happy
for once
without my past
interfering

i see light coming
i'm beating the monsters inside
the birds are alive and humming
i have tried
and i have found sweet joy
in the things life can offer me
i am done with your games and toys
to all of you, i am free
your ropes no longer bind me, i tell
or will they ever again
because i am free of this personal hell
cause the only hell i deserve now is that of freshmen

the light reaches me, deep down here
stop and listen
i stop and leer
i hear the sound of monsters i have beaten
blonde, bruised, confused
i run away
amused

the dark days of my past are gone
they disappeared with the feeling of me caring
of me wishing it could all stop
be careful for what you wish for
it might come true
but i learned, not to push my luck

The world is written as one
The ******* is your neighbor
The lesbian is your friend
The Arab is the man driving your bus
The ex-con is the guy who made sure your kid was okay when they fell
The black woman is your teacher
Hate is not something you are born with, like your mothers green eyes
Hate is something that has been brainwashed into everyone of our heads
As children, some parents tell that not to stare at the men in the dress, or the girls holding hands because they think their children are not mature enough to have a 30 second convo
it's as easy as "he likes dresses" or "they're in love like mommy and daddy"
because those kids are going to grow up to think that  those actions are wrong and that they make the person less than a human being because they are gay or trans or black or Mexican or female
but at the end of the day
we all bleed red

I don’t believe in that

It wasn’t love - more of a crush

Whatever it was, I don’t believe in it.

I wanted to hold your hand and I was too blind to see - fogged by misconception

I was too blind to see I was just a mistress in black while your love was away.

I feel cheap and used, like an old car stereo

Play me back and you might get another song - one that you won’t like anymore.

I’ll be over-used and abused. Maybe forgetfulness is a virtue. ***** You.

I won’t be played anymore so just put me back in my case, and store me in boxes down in your parents basement.

what if i stopped hearing beautiful melodies and voices over microphones?
what if i just turned off all of my emotions and became a mute
never speaking, because i never have anything important to say
or i just stop feeling
become numb with hatred towards everyone
because people with words need to learn how to use them
because words can make people blind
and blind people don't need to be throwing stones
because you never know where glass houses may lay
words are now the uni-bombs of today
blow up one, destroy with it
and you can end up being the reason
the reason a girl goes home crying
feels worthless
grabs anything
sharp
and tells herself how much she hates herself
and just slashes her wrist
once, twice
she loses count
you can end up being the reason she goes too deep
one, two,
breathing slows
she tries to stop it
she realizes she didn't want this
but she signed her death wish in blood
you gave her the papers
you gave her the motivation
with
words
because you were to blind to... see your ways
you made her too numb to feel

Run and don’t come back
inside the walls of your caged mind, ghost moan and scars scratch
on the outside, your smile breaks and your nose grows long
tell me you love me, but demons are inside you
past is coming and future is fading
i never saw you again - past the coffee shop windows
you turned into fog, imaginary
sharp fingers that break down the walls, surrounding me
touching everything that i am - except for my body
you touch only me, your Number Five (vanilla mocha) warms the inside of my mouth, leaking into my soul
drenching it in lies, as you leave
without a tip.

we were just
two kids
crazy--yes
but mistaken--no
we felt like millions of people had felt
before
us
we held hands
in the hall
spent every minute just being
us
but it was tragic, really
you got bored
i spent endless nights
wandering and lusting after
you
when what i needed was to
wonder and think
"are you for me?"
no
and you never were
you were for her
but..still
with you i was
complete
but now we are fighting corpses of forgotten dreams
not the star-crossed lovers we used to
be

Throbbing heads thrash together,
sorting trash from treasure, and losing time.
I throw together an outfit and leave
my house to try to sort through the pieces
from my rattled mind.
Lines of sunlight break through
the trees and melt
molecules with memories, fusing together
the time I had lost.
I lay in bed, exfoliated and slain,
pondering the cost of each meltdown;
of new brains.
Thumping against the ticking clock,
sleep covers me like a childhood blanket,
and my life, much like a button on the back of a toy
which gets pricked by a paperclip,
resets itself.

i wish i was a lost poet in a stranger's coat so i could meet you again
but if i met you again i'd probably slap you
to tell you of my dreams of us
but i'm only your in your dreams
our love can make time stop
but we're on different schedules
to have you forever
forever is ending soon
i want to kiss you
uh, no.
i want you to hold me when i cry
the only reason i cry is because of you
the reason i'm living is for you
but in reality i'm living for me
and if your ever sad, i'll be there for you
but the truth is, i never will
and when your happy, i'll be there for you too
but i honestly don't care
and i want to get lost with you
...the cops won't be able to find your body...

i'll never be good enough
not to him, her, or them
but to me
"my writing *****"
i think to myself
"but your trying"
i think to myself five seconds later
it's like i'm torn
a devil on one side
an angel on the other
i just need that one person to tell me i'm good
to tell me to keep going
to tell me it will all be okay
to tell me..
to say
i am good enough

i sit here
my mind goes numb
you tend to leer
my mind goes dumb
i smile so slyly, but shyly
and feel as confused as one can feel
your smile is not as highly
but, to my heart, your smile does deal
i see you walking briskly to class
i fall through the darkness
"do you like me?" i long to ask
but your answer would **** me, like a knife of high sharpness
i can't..i just won't
now i'm just a longing willow tree
but you? please don't
cut down my needs
because i'm not going to continue to grow
when this game is over
i'll just go
just like the wind will blow

God feels sad when you hate on yourself

Because he so carefully prepared you

And even if you’re not religious

Science said you’re made from stars splitting in two

So never hold your head down

Even though life is no piece of cake

because you are so perfect

and the universe (or God) makes no mistakes

Eye lids droop , lips chap
in this bitter, coldness of winter
a wonderland? - No
small hands etch inside
wrists - telling a story in
silence, turning heads
into mimicking
minds that repeat phrases - making
us all cold inside
goodnight, goodbye.

i love
the way your eyes are dewy and
wide-eyed
and innocent
but not in the way i would
believe
because i believe
so very
highly of you
but you believe
so very little of me
i hate the way your
dewy and wide
eyes lie to me
how they bore into my innocence
and deteriorate my mind

i watched stars fall, never releasing if it was just your passion falling
i wrote about seasons, not knowing if change was coming
but now, i just sit on concrete floors
watching acid drip down walls and humanity destroy itself
i watch ants come and go - - in the search of sugar
but bitter boys are the only things they will find
my eyes melt into your words
and your words speak of beautiful things - - other than yourself

i never realized how much i needed you until i lost you
we never were atoms colliding
but we were chemicals reacting, exploding
causing chaos throughout the halls
we laughed at our mistakes
our mistakes now a memory, ingrained in my head
a piece of paper in a typewriter awaits

i thought i lost you
then i missed you
then i regretted all i did with you (which was bare to none)
but then i realized your just another poem
one just waiting to be written

making a girl cry is like hitting her
morally wrong, but guys still do it
leading her on is almost worse than beating her
cause when you beat her, she knows how you feel about her
but when you lead her on
she thinks shes important
and then she gets punched in the gut by the truth and she falls to her knees
no one there to help her up
or to pick up the pieces..
she just sits there, tears rolling down her face
sometimes she believes she still has a chance
but every time she gets knocked down
part of her sanity breaks until
shes as crazy as me

One day, I woke up in a deserted hole
and I didn't know how I got there
It was dark and I was naked and I called for my parents
but they were not there

I was trapped and laid down to sleep
and didn't pray because I know longer believed in a God
and my dreams were filled with despair and a noose fell down from the sky
I had to choose

I saw a light at the top of the hole and tried to climb up
I cut myself on broken glass and voices erupted from within
"you will never finish you will never win you are worthless"

I got to the top of the hole and smiled and saw the sun
and saw hope

But then I had to go to school
or have a fight with my friends
or get a bad grade

And then, I'm tossed back into the abyss
I'm punched in the stomach and I can't breathe
I feel scared and start to cry

I must make the choice again...

a blistering wound
left by you
has created fears
of distracting leers
and people of fright
hold on to my night
i see your face
full of disgrace
for dating a nasty girl like me
oh please
i was your first
not at all the worst
i was the best
and nothing less
so come at me
with all of your irony
'cause i can take it
but you won't make it
in this place
without a bit of grace
just leave
before i stop you from breathing

another hello?
or my newest goodbye?
i want to see where this may lead
but this is how my first mistake started
a crush
and it did indeed crush me
when the guy got bored and ran off with another girl
you say i'm the girl of your dreams now
but what about a month from now
a year?
just be warned
i'm like the wave that crashes over your head
the first strike of lighting that scares
the first drop of rain
and the lasting puddle
but - - if you look deep enough
i'll also never leave you
as long as your mine