Throbbing heads thrash together,
sorting trash from treasure, and losing time.
I throw together an outfit and leave
my house to try to sort through the pieces
from my rattled mind.
Lines of sunlight break through
the trees and melt
molecules with memories, fusing together
the time I had lost.
I lay in bed, exfoliated and slain,
pondering the cost of each meltdown;
of new brains.
Thumping against the ticking clock,
sleep covers me like a childhood blanket,
and my life, much like a button on the back of a toy
which gets pricked by a paperclip,
resets itself.

I see the world in black and white
The rich man complex is blowing up the world
But, the price comes with a bite
and I am just a girl
I see the world in black and white
The world is big and such a fright
My family is killed of in some war
I am left home to starve
Become an adult, left to lead
This is what I see on the TV
The rich man gets richer
The world starts to die
I want to see the world in color
To be blind to the terror and injustices
and act like the world is okay
But, I can't close my eyes
all will not stop moving, like I'm playing sims
I see the world in black and white
Sometimes beautiful
Sometimes a fright.

One day, I woke up in a deserted hole
and I didn't know how I got there
It was dark and I was naked and I called for my parents
but they were not there

I was trapped and laid down to sleep
and didn't pray because I know longer believed in a God
and my dreams were filled with despair and a noose fell down from the sky
I had to choose

I saw a light at the top of the hole and tried to climb up
I cut myself on broken glass and voices erupted from within
"you will never finish you will never win you are worthless"

I got to the top of the hole and smiled and saw the sun
and saw hope

But then I had to go to school
or have a fight with my friends
or get a bad grade

And then, I'm tossed back into the abyss
I'm punched in the stomach and I can't breathe
I feel scared and start to cry

I must make the choice again...

It's finally friday

I go to a school where the students are higher than the grades
where people go to parties to get drunk, so they don't have to steal from their parents
and the parents know this but they do not care

I go to a school where the teachers tell us to get enough sleep, but to study
oh and don't forgot to be involved
the girls hide out in the bathrooms, purging their sorrows into the toilets
then coming out to fix their make-up and smile to the rest of the world

I go to a school where the bags under the eyes are bigger than a standardized test
and where the cuts on wrists ( which we all act like we don't see) are deeper than the
ambitions
The rich kids are cracking under stress and getting higher than their G.P.A
and I'm hiding out in the hallway, after having a panic attack

I go to a school where we  all hate ourselves
but we all smile the same
and we all talk the same
we repeat the same **** sentences until the final bell is rung

I go to a school where more kids die than graduate
I go to a school where I know all the best spots for crying
I go to a school where I don't really like my friends

But, now it's the weekend.
Don't forget the test on Monday

The world is written as one
The ******* is your neighbor
The lesbian is your friend
The Arab is the man driving your bus
The ex-con is the guy who made sure your kid was okay when they fell
The black woman is your teacher
Hate is not something you are born with, like your mothers green eyes
Hate is something that has been brainwashed into everyone of our heads
As children, some parents tell that not to stare at the men in the dress, or the girls holding hands because they think their children are not mature enough to have a 30 second convo
it's as easy as "he likes dresses" or "they're in love like mommy and daddy"
because those kids are going to grow up to think that  those actions are wrong and that they make the person less than a human being because they are gay or trans or black or Mexican or female
but at the end of the day
we all bleed red

Our Crayola crayons have become blunts and our juices boxes are turning into kegs

Teachers try to pry into our personal lives and relate                                     but every mistake we make they turn into a story to scare the other kids

Every mistake is a new lesson plan or lecture ; It’s scary how much teachers can tease

They ask us how we feel and we say “great” “fine” “awesome”                      but do they not see the pain on our faces and the war in our hearts?

And every decision we make affects our future because we’re supposed to pick a career in our teens

How do I feel, really?

Pressured and analyzed and hurt because my hearts been broken three different times this year

and I want to know if I’ve grown up enough to hold his hand

because cooties have turned into love and we’re stupid enough to believe it will last

We’re being cast in our on plays because Hollywood was empty of adults who always played 15 year olds because they want us to think we need to look like that

They sell us things we don’t need because we’re too trusting and don’t bother to ask “do I really look like that?”

But, then they go on a mission plan to fight teen suicide and help teens who have turned to drugs to feel something

This is not Dawson Creek or Degrassi

This is the lives of actual people who have feelings and not lines to read

So, please stop covering up your tracks

because when you throw a stone into an ocean, the ripple can (and will) reach many shores

And stop telling me that, at 15, I should be grown up

I don’t deserve to be happy but somehow I am.
I no longer know what’s drowning me - myself or the darkness.
Hold me in your grasp, I am complete (completely a mess