Rage and sorrow gripped me then without ever thinking that in a moment I might inflict not just one but two black eyes on a boy that lived just down the street

Who I had, just the day before run and played with, laughed and joked while sitting on my grandmother’s front porch
In our hands tall cool glasses of different colored beverages, ice cubes bobbing

If time had frozen in that moment I might have had a chance to gauge the sudden surprise at my aggression
The cry of pain when my fist connected
Before he ran away

Looking down around my feet I took in the carnage of his deeds
The burnt up matches, those little boxes
And all those now dead butterflies

I recalled from half a block away
The flutter of light that had drawn me, with a twisted sense of irony
Only to watch with mounting horror

A tiny body
A flash of light
A smoldering of orange and white

I looked on for what seemed forever
Trapped by a cold mix of disgust and mourning
As he released that butterfly

Wings aflame it took to the sky
It was a cloudless summer night
A dancing candle, a tiny life

A million perfect moments in time and everything else is just dust in the wind
Bird wings beating at the air every heart moving as one
To take a breath and know that across the world half of every other living thing is breathing with you
A speck in the universal tides to be snuffed out and never known
Impossible to catch even a second of time where everything is perfectly still
Equally as impossible to have anything in constant motion
The same motion that we are constantly part of
One life falls into the next as the sun follows the moon

Dragon lady

Wicked witch

flurry of names that come to mind as you set foot in my domain
disapproval of your glances snapping at my heels
as I glide past

inside there is a hissing chorus
drumming every nerve I've got
raging with this bitter hatred that would cause you to recoil

if you knew

behind the calm exterior
there's a bite like a rattle snake

hackles raised so stay away
back off
get out of my face

sooner then you'd like to think
there will be a day

when the choice will be between you and I
and lady, just a final word of advice

I'm here to stay

Can’t help that my voice shakes
I’m standing up here looking out  
With the lights shining on me for the first time

It’s not just my voice that’s shaking
You know that sound right before you speak
When you can hear everyone out there watching
Hear them all holding their breath
Waiting for you to take your first

I’m standing up here looking out
The lights are shining down on me for the first time
I can barely breathe for all the stillness that’s waiting
For me to take my first

I’m sorry that my voice shakes
But it’s not the only part of me that is
I’m petrified to be standing up here
Under the eyes of so many that are far better than I could ever be

I take my first while all of them are watching
My mind hisses with self doubt
And I can’t stop my legs from trembling under me

I think how the laughter might ring out if I were to collapse
But the only thing I can hear is my voice
Echoed out over the stillness
Everyone still holding their breath

Slowly the passion written invisible between the lines of my first
Push’s its way into my voice
Until there is so much of it the shaking is smothered into nothing

I’m still petrified  
As these lights shine down on me for the first time
And I stand before all these people
That are far better than I could ever be
As they all hold their breath
Listening to my first

Suddenly it’s all over  
Every one that sat so silently listening to my first
They stand now
All of these people that are so much better than I could ever be

They are applauding
I am shaking again

I think I will every time I stand up here
Listening to the silence of everyone holding their breath
As the lights shine down on me for what feels like the first time
I’ll still be petrified

Still be sorry that my voice shakes
That at any moment I might collapse
But I’ll always come back

Because the passion written invisible between the lines
Will come out again and smother my shaking into nothing
But I’ll still remember my first

Even on my last
I’ll still be petrified

Broken down
Forgotten bodies
Discarded heart beats

Breath stolen out of ignorance
Though damaged life grows like weeds
deserted parking lots become idle playgrounds

It survives, mutates to with stand the pressure
Forged in violence
Blood brothers ebb life life from one another
Drop by drop

Skin thickens
Hardens
Armour plated fall out shelters
Waiting for the winds to change

Scratching out twisted commandments
Handing down life lessons in blood shed
Brutality under a cloak of kindness

Mothers love never feels the same when her breath is seeped in last nights *** acts

Though hope still hangs over doorways
Crucifixes of the innocent still warning off demons disguised like fathers, uncles, brothers

Tear stained pillows can only hold so much betrayal
While stuffed animals stand sentry
Silent witnesses to a side of life no one ever wants to see

What if you could stand inside me?

Would your hand move with mine?

Would you cry when I cried?

Would we walk together, perfectly in line?

Or would I feel you trailing just half a step behind

Would my eyes become your windows?

And you inside, my soul

Or would I feel you standing there

Looking out, yet strangely blind

If I dared to speak would your mouth move with mine?

Would our voices whisper softly?

Or would you trail just half a step behind

I think if you were to stand inside me

But your hand would never move with mine

Then I would keep on walking while you trailed just half a step
behind

My eyes would never be your windows

As you were inside, my soul

We would never speak together

Your lips would never move with mine

But I think I would love you all the same

Even if you did trail just half a step behind

These hands are not mine tonight
no they must belong to someone else

someone that I used to know
used to know all too well

I used to watch those hands grasping endless steaming mugs of tea
wash dishes slowly between 1 and 3 (am of course)
turn yellow pages one by one
how they could fend off sleep with every movement

I used to watch them slick with soap caressing every plate and spoon
folding sheets still warm from the dryer

anything to keep from halting, pausing
resting even for a moments time to think

as I now sit and think looking down at those hands
think how much they still can not be mine

for I am resting, sleeping
halting them from moving endlessly

so they, must not be mine

Somethings are always real
solid with certainty
a brick walled reality that wont budge
like breathing
happening every moment without pause
without thought or need of reminding

this is not like breathing
it staggers through time
hesitant and awkward movements
lumbering through my reality

a Godzilla rerun
smashing brick walls
laying flat the steady rhythm of conscious thoughts
that pass (in one... out two) like breath through me

it crowds the air like smoke rings
choking off any escape from it
hanging a heavy shadow over my mind

Then its gone again
slipped away on a stream of thoughts that cant stop moving over one another

my brain feels like a mine field
nuclear test zone
cratered and still
burning debris is collecting in corners

why do you always make me feel this way

You scared?
No...
Liar
I know...

But dreams can't last forever
As I thought once upon a time
When your heart held mine

Tears fell only to be wiped away
By your hand
Now gone

As I, breath in the lonely darkness
Of the room that was
At one point ours
But now mine alone

And you
Of course have gone
As only dreams do

Leaving me
Eye to eye
With my fear

Of life
Without you

Words fell from my mouth
Like snowflakes or rain storms
And as I stopped to ponder them
I saw the names of other people
Like Dickinson and Frost
They floated between my own words
And changed the few they touched
Until there was little left
But lines borrowed
Then left to dust

This is a picture
That was never taken
Of the clouds that shuffled slowly over head
The soft breeze that whispered and hissed against the sand
My shoes in one hand
Your hand in the other
How our eyes met at the exact second
The sky split
And the rain engulfed everything
In that roaring stillness
And we stood together on the beach
As everyone eles ran for cover
Picture perfect

its not your words exactly
more like the way they touch my skin
like fingers in my hair

its listening to your voice whispering
makes everything ok again

all those little things you do but never notice
things I count like stars, beautiful

your words touch like kisses against my skin
only matched when I can press my self into your arms

I'd like to return your kisses
whisper soft romance that would make the stars blush

please keep them
until we are together again

I promise I have all of yours
come closer and I'll tell you what it feels like

everything will be ok
you'll understand

I love you
but there no need to say it

you already know
your soft words tell me so

you asked
I smiled
my only answer
forever of course

I'm still awake

the clock is ticking its nearly six

I'm watching the numbers change slowly

one by one

were coming close to seven now

I blink and wonder where the time has gone

where that hour has gone

have I slept?

...no this is no dream

The peace of late night silence
When the wind is whispering in the trees
Softly giving a voice to shadows

While a heart speaks without language
As old as the universe itself

Beauty in lovers eyes meeting
After such hardship suffered together

Wordless is the passion whispered like shadows between them
Love endless as eternity
With the brightness of stars

A promise to such a love
In a language that may never be spoken

Forever
Until every star has long faded from memory
And the universe has passed into beautiful silence

Wordlessly made in the eyes of a lover
I promise

There are no strings on these balloons
so instead lets just drift together
even if it's only for a moment
I'll be here with you
until you just
fly away

Don't stop
don't think
just walk

A step at a time

Don't look up
don't speak
eyes down and lifeless

Keep moving
following
walking

Don't see the danger
don't question it
just walk

Right off the edge
you're one of them now
one of us now

There's no turning back

You're one of the herd now

The time that passed between the moments
Of when you looked in my direction
But I again glanced away unseen
Your words whispered in the late of night
While I all knowing waited, silent and observing
Until once again I see you return
Across my horizon

there was never any magic to finding my way to this place just another sleepless night
restless longing to feel, pretend that I could belong

somewhere, at least for a time

to cast my words like fishing lines in hopes of catching some fragment of acceptance
in a craft where I still fumbled
stumbled, blind as any bat

fingers grouping harsh and frantic after words that plagued my mind jerking sleep back like a rug that used to lay so still and lifeless

leaving me flat on my back head spinning with so many verses
titles for these names and faces
places, places I have yet to see but still go seeking endlessly

scratching words through coffee shops, plane flights.. bus stops
somber tones of concert halls rising higher

pitch matched only by these shaking hands still gripping pen and paper
feverish with intent and desire to find their place where two worlds could meet

if only as a passing glance between two threads of a second where I could simply fall in place and know as artists do
that I am not alone

It's not you...
but maybe it is

Because you hate them
even though they're just like you

You mirror them
rejecting a reflection that never asked for your opinion

Demanding change from things you never even touched upon

While standing on your righteous patch of ground
You declare that no other could see the world as you do
But your eyes are closed...

I'm confused by your anger

Shouting as street signs for not being trees
parking lots that are not meadows
people

Who just turn away because they think you're insane...

Doomsday won't come tomorrow just because you didn't plant as many trees as you took breaths today
So slow down
please...

Take my advice
our advice
the worlds advice

Take it all and just, come down from your ivory tower
We can take down the bricks together

Plant as many trees as you take breaths in a lifetime

If you could just take the time to listen
you won't lose everything in translation

This is not a poem of things that have happened
but things that never happened
this is a poem of lost things
pushed so far down they are forgotten

this is a poem of feelings
the ones that seem to have no place at all but still twist knots into your stomach
making muscles **** and spasm while icy fingers claw at your spine
while somewhere in your mind is lurking the hidden reasons for it all

why the sound of creaking floor boards sends frantic ripples through your mind
fingers gripping at your neck harsher then a nightmares kiss
can leave you in a seconds space on your knees and feeling sick
heart beat pounding in your chest, skin beaded with the coldest sweat

yet when questioned, queried, pressed to supply some kind of answer to any sudden change of action
you can only stand at a loss mind grasping at the empty spaces where a memory has been forever lost

I'll be gone soon

She never said it
there was no need
dark circles under her eyes said it
the way her shoulders bowed under the weight of it
sadness that clothed her
wrapping itself around every part of her

These things did not need to be said

She stood there silently with a much smaller woman
white hair and hands spotted by age
her face lined but soft as the words that flowed from her
their hands clasped tightly together
heads almost touching

May the Lord clothe you in his love so you shall never walk naked or alone
May he guide you to your rightful place in heaven and welcome you as he does all his children

Her tears began to fall then
it seemed there were far to many

The train stopped and the women slowly parted
though neither spoke
there was no need

Pray for me her eyes said
for soon I'll be gone

The ache for power in man manipulates all.
Like love though it is as essential as breath.
As blood.
With only fleeting truth to tell of the beauty.
In death.
An eternity of watching.
As dreams fall fast to shadows

It’s to loud here
There is to much happening

Everywhere I turn the sound is finding crevasses
Seeping through like rain water
A downpour of noise
It trickles in faster then I can bail it out again
Filling everything

I have no room to think here
The air is made of harp strings all vibrating in a different tone
Shaking all thought right from my head

Enough, this has to stop...
I draw back behind my walls
An island of silence

I watch people slip past my guarded coastline
They call to me

My eyes flick lines of morse code to them
But they are far to busy being loud to hear the soft tick tick of my conversation

I sit alone to watch a muted sunset
Static lapping against my toes in frothy waves
But I don’t hear a thing

Finally, it is quiet

There was a time when you and they
Or maybe them
Went away

The sort of away that means to say
For always
And forever after

So there was only I, or me
To stand and wave
Hello, goodbye

Thought tears
That were many

Or maybe...
Just a few

...at least one or two

Sometimes...

I don't like you very much

That is all

when every mirror holds but a fractured selection of truths
which ones do you trust?
who is left to say what side once said This way up

or is every moment just a chance encounter.. rolling dice without numbers
over.. and over.. and over
until we land mirrored side up
smiling.. or not

or not

I'm not asking for sense.. just direction
so I can move forward
rather then just roll over
again

"They took my mom off life support"

That was how our conversation started
My friend cried
he never cries...

I just stare back at him
feeling nothing, but I am crying too

My brain is re-enacting an action without meaning

copy, paste
copy, paste
copy, paste

We cry together

He hugs me and I hug him back
I think how hot he feels
like a fever of grief

His tears are soaking through my shirt, collecting against my skin and sliding down
one by one towards my heart

I can't feel anything anymore... just him
I want to, but I can't... or won't

I know I have all the right words filed away for such a situation

Cue card apologies
Voice recordings in my head on repeat
Other peoples words... not mine

I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so...
I'm not sorry

I'm sad for you...
yes... that belongs to me
that I can say

We hug again
He feels like a wildfire against my cold exterior

I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm... tired of all the pretending

My feelings are currency without value here
so I keep them hidden

I'm not sorry
I can't be
It's not my fault
never was

Cancer can't be my fault, and my currency
well, we both know it has no value to buy back those tears

So, no... I'm not sorry
Those are someone else's words

I lived in a glass house once... it was perfect
perfect walls... perfect floors... perfect ceiling...
...always perfect... but never happy

that's what happens though isn't it?
when you live in the idea that your life should be scrutinized by strangers
when your life, becomes their life

Don't throw stones they say
Don't break down those perfect walls, perfect floors, perfect ceiling
Don't shatter our expectations of you

I threw stones

The train is full of strangers

I am not looking at them yetI know they are there
Bodies pressed close to mine
Eyes closed I breath in their lives

Old leather shoes, perfume, hair gel and peach lotion

The stranger in front of me smells of a wet January afternoon
Cold and sharp, yet with a familiar damp mustiness that lingers in his absence
To his left is an early morning breakfast smell
Oatmeal and sugar
Brown sugar with heavy caramel undertones that melt into the memory

He steps past Wet January, past Hair Salon and steps off
Wet January follows on his heels while Hair Salon remains , now on my right

We are joined by English Sitting Room, he is made of cigar smoke and wooden matches, leather arm chair and stone fireplace, beside him is Darkened Movie Theatre and Old Gym Bag

Everyone shuffles; hive minded away from Old Gym Bag
Hair Salon is muttering.
English Sitting Room rustles a newspaper
Movie Theatre brushes my shoulder, apologizes and disappears.

I wish, vaguely to ask what I might seem to them in my own internal context if only to satisfy the slow bubbling curiosity that wells up in me from some deep hidden place

But my stop has come and I am stepping off now
Knowing my existence will pass silently from their thoughts all together as soon as the doors close behind me

Goodbye Hair Salon and English Sitting Room
Farewell Old Gym Bag, until next we meet if ever again