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Sam Conrad Jan 2014
My skin is seeping salty feelings, and cooking warm under the pressure of anxiety.
I just typed a series of monologues to your inbox again, but you don't seem to hear them.
It's 3:46 AM. I'm almost delirious. What is sleep? I spend about 14 hours in bed everyday.
I usually get 1-2 hours of sleep.
My tears have stained my pillowcase. Like, I don't turn the light on anymore because I see the stains.
In my room, it is very cold. I guess it's cold like me. Or is it really, just cold like you?
I'm lost and alone, and I'm afraid you'll never come back.
I need you back.
What did you not understand?
When I told you when we were still together, that I'd love you until the day I died?
When I told you after you forcefully dumped me, I'd have this problem until the day I died?
Because the day I die, in my last moments, I will finally be able to decide to give up on you.
At times, I've wanted to commit suicide.
Because if I'm not waiting for you,
I'm waiting until the day I die.
Oh look, another monologue.
Don't read this one.
Go hang with your girlfriend instead.
You already decided that's whats best for your health.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Why don't you understand
That I don't want
To move backwards
But move forward

Why don't you understand
That I care about you
More than anyone else
But want to help you move forward

Why is it
That you say I know you
But then tell me
I'm not allowed to know you

Why do you
Tell me I'm your best friend
To then state that you'll never put me in your picture
Why do you tell me

That what's final is final
Because you don't know the future
The future is in the air
Stop finalizing the future, please

When you keep changing your mind
Just to turn your back on me
When I'm not even hurting you
When the past is hurting you

Why can't you
See the past for what it was
Because if you look at the past
There was good and bad

But there was good
So see the good
In the past you pretend to see
And let me back in

Because I swear I'm not that bad
I'm not even that anymore
The bad you remember
I wasn't me

Now I'm me
I swear I'm all good, not even the past good
And you're not going back,
Because we're moving forward

But please
Keep blocking me out
Tell me I'm dreaming for something
That will never happen

Keep crushing my dreams
Then calling yourself awful and horrible
Keep telling me I'm wrong when I say you're great and nice and wonderful
Just so you can call yourself awful and horrible

Every time you hurt me
I'm like
Why don't we hug it out
Why don't we talk it out

Because you think
To make it better
We need to shut the holes in our faces
And forget

So that someday
We can be friends?
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
This isn't the way you wanted me to move on at all
And I'm not really moving on because if you'd stop all this madness
I'd be very happy and much satisfied
But it would hurt you and it would hurt her
Because you made a mistake
You know I didn't deserve this
But at the same time, you like it too
But when you're doing this
What do you expect from me
And why don't you understand what I expected from you?
I love you more than anything! Honest!
My moods are so bipolar when it comes to you!
Congratulations for wrecking my heart, brain, soul, and once gracing my body
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
So over the last two hours,
I've been writing these poems
So I could stomach
My Spaghetti.

So I've been really sick lately,
I've lost a lot of weight
But I write these poems so I can eat
My Spaghetti.

Meanwhile,
I didn't realize that
I'm becoming less cold inside, but not
My Spaghetti.

After two hours,
My stomach is ready
For food that's no longer appeasing
My Spaghetti.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
It really is odd, how we started out,
I had come from a relationship gone bad,
I really needed a friend.
In the most amazing coincidence, you saved my life,
You came to be my friend.

What happened next,
Our newly found friendship was so exciting,
How we made each other laugh,
And joked about smiling spleens,
Our friendship exploded with activity.

How you invited me over,
The night before your birthday just to hang out,
How we found each other locking lips, you in my lap,
How pure our feelings became in such a short time,
Oh, how our hearts were racing that night.

The next day was special,
It was magic, how we bonded,
The closeness between us, how cute everyone said we were,
How scared I was that day,
To ask you to be mine.

You said yes, and the next few months –
They were some of the best months of our lives,
We understood each other, poured our hearts and minds out,
It was so crazy how we just
Made each other happy.

Everybody saw it,
People gossiped about how cute we were and how perfect,
We really were so perfect, came together and became so invincible,
I still remember how,
How we fell in love.

The whole spring,
The amazing feelings every day, how wonderful things were,
We both found no ******, the love kept building and building,
Every look, every sound, every kiss,
We found true love.

But when we found true love,
Our love was everything, we began to see each other in the purest sense,
It became more than being carried away by infatuations and desires,
We found something special,
We weren't just a couple.


In all of that specialness,
I told myself I'd always love you, because I knew what I saw in you,
You were more than my girlfriend, you became the best friend I'd ever had,
Almost a sister to me, the peace of mind, the calm,
We found nirvana.

Then came June,
What started with a bang ended in such tragedy, I didn't foresee such horrible consequences,
Our love was so strong, but how quickly our advances became regressions,
I then regretted so much, I lost my calm, I became unsettled,
We became a train derailed.

Transitioning to July,
We never really got the train back up and running,
It was damaged from the derailment, it didn't want to move, we got so scared,
I became frantic, I became mean, cruel, cold-shoulder was almost my middle name,
How I'd forever be sorry.

I said hello to August,
When you were afraid of me because I'd become an animal,
When I saw it in your eyes it was almost too late,
You'd spent too many days crying, depressed, your parents began to hate me too,
I'd not been around for you.

Autumn began,
The leaves fell off the trees, and I tried so hard to please, but I couldn't,
Your eyes were so empty, your parents were fuming, I knew I let you down,
Oh, how hard I was kicking myself for being so awful to the love of my life,
Who didn't want to know me.

Today,

It took a little time after all of this for me to gather my brains.
You see, you were so much more to me than a lover, more than the love of my life.
You saved my life, from the beginning, and it's not my emotional justification but the truth.
You taught me how to be happy, made me forget how to hate myself.
You put so much color into my world, you sang me new songs.
The lengths to which I'd go to be the smile on your face again are far too great for my own good.

I wasn't in love with you. I loved you.
You as a person. Your brain, your soul, your will, your body.
You see, you'd become my soul mate, not my ****** partner.
You'd become someone I'd love forever, even if you didn't love me back, even if you were gone.
In a way, you became my sister, my freedom, my truth, my goal, my promise, and you grew on me.
You grew like the most beautiful gardens, you became what I lived for.

In the end, you were many wonderful things, but mainly one --
My trust.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I wish you would have stopped
But instead you dropped
Me from heaven to hell
And I'm sorry I couldn't tell
You how wonderful you were.
So you've replaced me with her.

I'd really like to die,
Though I lack the will to try,
To **** myself in everyone's plain view.
If only the cause weren't you...
Maybe I live too simple of a life for you.
You're not used to slowing down for a second or two...
To think about your actions
And study potential reactions.
There was a time I was naïve too
When I flew high with you.
I got cocky and mean...
And you decided never to be seen...
With a boy like me a-gain.
So Elizabeth Raine,
Please have no shame...
Though you'll find things ****
Since you murdered my heart.
What even is this?
Its your birthday and all I want is to scream in your face and hug you close all at the same time.

You ****** me up so bad. I need you back...
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Wrote you a note
A note on a napkin
15 things I'll always love
About you
Everything I could make fit
It was kind of condensed
But its message was clear
Not sure if you still have it
But I still have a typed copy
Goes a little like this

Front says
"You're wonderful"

Back says
"15 things I'll always love about you"
1. The way you show your love. You go out of your way to do it.
2. Your cute smile. Even with the sad puppy dog eyes.
3. Your strength. You've put up with so much. Especially from me.
4. Your persistence. You continue to stick by me when no other will.
5. Your tolerance. I've been silly. Wacky. Crazy. You still loved me.
6. Your beauty. Cutest girl ever. I didn't deserve you.
7. The memories you have given me. I'll cherish you forever...
8. Your happiness. I miss it. I want you to be happy. With or without me.
9. Your cute mannerisms. The things you've said. The way your eyes look into mine. The way you held my hand. The hugs.
10. The last 9 months. I remember the first time we kissed...I fell so hard.
11. Your humbleness. You always put others before yourself. I admire it.
12. Your support. You've helped me through one of the darkest times of my life.
13. Your mind in general. All of it. Good, bad, whatever. I always come to understand.
14. Your body. You might complain, but it is uniquely yours, and you are amazing.
15. Everything. This list doesn't begin to touch everything I love about you.
...

They were all so true
I'll never be able to go back on it
I know you want me to
I know you want me to move on
But the napkin clearly said
"Always"
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
I bet you never got to know
That I wasn't always depressed
I was always narcoleptic

Every time I told you I didn't feel good and couldn't see you
I wasn't depressed
I was narcoleptic

That message in March
Where you said you even loved when I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed
I was narcoleptic

I couldn't help it
People never understand, it's like how you feel when you've been up for days
I was narcoleptic

I could sleep 12 hours
And not feel refreshed, because my sleep doesn't heal me, like it heals you and others
I was narcoleptic

I know I took those stimulants
But they made me edgy and nervous, and I turned into a ****, so I didn't take them but
I was narcoleptic

You see, those stimulants, Vyvanse
Made me feel like I'd been up for days but running on 2 pots of coffee because
I was narcoleptic

A man who has been up for days
Is not often the most polite and I hated being impolite so I stopped taking them but
I was narcoleptic

So I spent my days sleeping
Sleeping till noon, then needing to sleep at 3 PM, until 10 at night and then until noon because
I was narcoleptic

Your stepdad said he wouldn't stand for that "crap"
But I couldn't help it, I wanted to see you more than anything and I knew it hurt you but
I was narcoleptic

Not only am I narcoleptic
I think I have fibromyalgia just like my grandmother, who loves you too, I think,
I have fibromyalgia.

Today I'm still narcoleptic with fibromyalgia
But I've found a cure, a mix of two pills, one for the narcolepsy and one for the pain
One pill is designed for nothing but narcolepsy (not ADHD) and the other a narcotic for the pain
You'd have no idea how much better I feel than I did before
You'd have no idea because you don't care to learn who I am
Because I'm not who I was, I'm refreshed, something new, I'm normal for once
Not just feeling bad, not just tired and sore and fatigued, not so depressed I can't get out of bed

Just narcolepsy and fibromyalgia.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I say hello to a new year,
One that I kicked off in glorious fashion,
Not even at home,
Not with you,
At a friend's house getting drunk
Off my ***
and
Forgetting about you by way of
5 mixed drinks
2 shots of crown, and some ***
6 oz of champagne
1 lonely beer to kick it off
If not only for a few hours and
I only remember half the night,
Though it was sobering to hear
That another one of my acquaintances
Left this Earth.
I wondered how I'd feel if
I'd ever lose you that way
Or how you'd feel if
You ever lost me that way
But quickly realized
I don't really have you to start out with
And
You pushed me away
I'm not something you "have" anymore.
I remember how many days I cried
As if you were dead
So cheers to this 2014 year
The year I lost four people
Is now past.
Three innocently brought
Into the gates of heaven...
If you believe that sort of thing.
A fourth lost in some interpersonal battles
Living in a world without me
Beginning a new year
Sam Conrad May 2014
She and I...
We sat on an island alone.
Nobody around her wanted me around.
Nobody around her supported keeping me around.
She got put with me on an island.
She promised me she loved me.
She promised me a lot of things.
We promised each other.
We promised not to let the others get us down.
We promised we could do this...("this" never happened...)
We promised.
We...
When...
When it came down to only us,
I found trust I didn't even know I had.
I trusted her then more than I had ever trusted a **** thing in my life.
I trusted her more than I will ever trust a **** thing in the rest of my life.
I found in her a peace I had never felt before.
I thought her and I were going to build each other up again, together.
I was so ******* determined to help her.
I was going to die before I let her down.
She kissed me. It was the deepest kiss I'd ever had with her.
Next week she was gone.
Next week she didn't love me.
Next week she said she hadn't loved me for a long time.
Next week she didn't love boys anyway.
Next week she had a girlfriend.
Next week I tried to die.
Next week I tried to die.
Next...
Who even gives a **** about the weeks after that because I'm still sitting here alive. Nobody cares about how or if I feel anyway.
I'm really pretty ******* dead and she's happier than she's been in ages.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I
Took
Too
Many
Pain
Pills
And
Now
I'm
Numb.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sometimes I pray
I pray that you will understand someday that I always loved you
And not for a day did my love for you falter
Regardless of the horrible horrible **** I did to you

Sometimes I pray
You understand I never meant to hurt you but I didn't know myself
I was a mirror image of that ***** that killed me
That I never got to explain that whole story to you

Sometimes I pray
That you will forgive me for the horrible things I said
But that you would recognize the good too
Because I know I told you a thousand times that you were good enough

Sometimes I sit and cry
I don't ******* believe in the god I pray to
I just have to do it so I don't grab the knife
The knife looks so tempting sometimes and it's hard to defer death

Sometimes I wonder
Why you didn't understand that I thought you were perfect from the start
But that I was a ticking time bomb
That last person planted something in me that you couldn't see

I'm so ******* sorry
For every ******* thing I did
I said horrible things I didn't mean.
I ******* swear I didn't mean them

The heat of the moment caught me off guard
I became the horrible stew of my father, my mother,
That awful ***** who kept me trapped for almost 2 years
I ******* hate her now just like you ******* hate me

But she doesn't have a heart
If she does you'd need a ******* microscope to see it
She was never there for me
She always catered to herself

Sometimes, I ******* hate myself
I might commit suicide if I keep thinking about things
All I can do is try to pretend you'll forgive me
Because if you don't

You might see my obituary in the paper someday
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
"You treated her like **** and now she found a lover who can actually please her."
"You think you have problems, kid? Life is going to kick you square in the teeth."
"You dwelling and acting like this is just going to make you lose more friends."
"Don't blame your life for your problems. A weak man does that."
"I've already stated my problem, since she left you, you've been acting like an obsessed creep, whether or not you are or not, you've been acting like one."
"You're acting creepy and obsessed."
"It's getting old now. It's been months."
"So you think I was being a ****? I haven't even said half of what I could have."
Someone ******* ****** me, please, for ***** sake, someone send me to hell where I belong
Sam Conrad May 2014
The boy inside my head remembers the girl inside yours.
He wants to tell you that he still loves you...that he'll love you forever.
He wants to tell you he's trapped and all alone.
He sits in his cell scratching the days onto the wall.
He draws pictures of your face and imagines holding your hand.
If he ever gets to talk to you again, he pictures what he'd say...
He would do anything for you to give him another chance.
He knows he's a boy and he wishes he didn't have to be.
But that boy inside his head didn't get a say on if he got to be a boy or not.
He wishes that you'd open yourself up to let him care for you again.
He wishes that you'd let yourself be the reason that he lives again.
He wishes a lot.
He wishes too much.
He fears none of them won't come true but he can't stop because it keeps him alive.
He envisions that chance. That he would take it slow and show you his love.
That it would be the deepest display of emotion ever to come from him.
He knows all too well you're not fond of boys- he's almost sorry he is one.
But he loves you. He loves you so much. You're so beautiful to him.
A beautiful person, not a beautiful girl.
He misses you.
He misses you so much.
The world stops when you hug him.
His heart flutters just thinking about it, still.
You're heavenly to him. You took him places he'd never been before.
Places he may never be again.
You see, he wishes he could put into words for you, the feeling...
He never needed anything more than your cuddles and hugs.
Like a living, breathing, soft and loving security blanket, you were...
Nothing in his life ever more peaceful than your arms or the touch of your lips.
He never needed ***...please don't make it about ***...
What he really needed was you.
He prays to a God he no longer believes in that maybe he could have a reason to believe again.
He loves you, Elizabeth Raine. He loves you so **** much.
He knows that's not enough.
He will never be enough.
You were once the reason he lived...
You're now the reason he wants to die.
You dumped him like utter trash and he still couldn't get over you.
You said things that ripped out his soul. Acted like he had no soul to begin with...
But ******, he loved you. He loves you. Like he promised, he always will.
Your girly parts play no part. He wishes you'd understand how much deeper this is than that.
How much you mean to him.
How much you'll always mean to him, how you'll always be his sweet girl.
At least, how he wishes you'd be his sweet girl once more.
He wishes he could show you...that he could find a way.
Tears roll down his face like the first rain of May.
He just wants to be enough to experience heaven one more time...
I'm afraid to inform him that heaven's long gone...
Its not even in existence to experience anymore...
But he'd **** himself...I can't push myself to let him know...
He bought a ticket to hell.
I love you. I miss you everyday. I hope you're doing fine. I hope she treats you well.
I wish I could sleep forever so I could go back to your arms again.

I hope you're not reading this. If you did, you just hugged him.
Just know it gives him the best feeling in the world, even still.
He tries so hard to forget he wants it everyday.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Every night I wonder,
Why do I waste my time to write?
I sit and sit and sit before this computer screen and sometimes my pen,
And I write and write and write.

I wonder to myself,
Could she still love me, or has she changed?
I wonder and I wonder and I wonder until finally I tell myself it doesn't matter,
That I'm only writing to keep myself sane.

But what if she would listen?
I mean, could I read her all these things?
I would read and read and read until I've poured my heart out,
It would bring me such solace.

So here I'll pretend,
I'll pretend, that someday her and I,
We could sit down and talk about our feelings, not only a few,
To find the real truth.

Yes, I will pretend,
I'll pretend, that someday her and I,
We'll take turns in our one person poetry slams, with only one poet,
And a judge who doesn't judge.
Sam Conrad Jun 2014
They say love is a two way street.
Sometimes love is a one way street littered with parked cars and a hundred people driving the wrong way.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
This is the most I can remember of a poem I flushed down the toilet.

Our love is a rose
Every day
For the past few weeks
Our love has been a rose
Deep red with thorns and
Painful to hold onto

Our love is a rose
The greatest flower
It bloomed so beautifully
Except we're bleeding
Holding onto the thorns

Our love is a rose
It's been a wonderful gift
But we cut our tongues
Our mouths bleed agony
The pain of words I can't take back
This is the most I can remember of the poem I physically flushed down the toilet on the night your mother broke us up. This was the gift I told you about giving you, when I took you home from band, the afternoon I pleaded to talk to you. I held onto you for dear life in my car that day, as you cried in such awful agony.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Panic panic everywhere
Everything is alright
Except my head
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Please pardon the interruption
I need to go try something new and awful
To make myself feel again
Be back later maybe
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Perfect

Don't you remember
When I told you you were perfect
That one time, and the other time, and the time after that,
And every Sunday when you came over for church

Don't you know
That I've always thought you were perfect
But my brain was ****** up over ****
That happened before you came along

Don't you know
That I had trouble, when I told you she ****** me up

****
This isn't finished. I'm so upset.
I love you, god ******.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
First of all,
You're not ****.
Second of all,
Let me believe that.
Third, you're beautiful.
The most beautiful thing to ever cross my eyes.
Nothing in my life ever goes right.
I hope you come back.
The elevator of my life is stuck at the moment.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
Let me tell a story about how to be crazy.

So its 3 AM.
You're dreaming in the past, but wide awake. Stomach unsettled, tears rolling down face. Its been forever. Months. Coming on a year. Maybe more. You've been here before. All alone. Various locations and times in your life, but all the same result. You cared about someone more than you thought you could care for anything, and they deserted you, turned their back on you, or decided to hate you. Parents, brother, sister, maybe best friends, or this time the love of your life. That person you found yourself infinitely happy with, who you never thought would leave your side. You question now for the ten thousandth time, why? All over again, the flashbacks cycle through your head. Good memories, bad ones. Ranging from wonderful euphoria to feelings after grave mistakes. A mental rollercoaster ride you strapped yourself into for no reason at all. Things they said, things you said. You find that your head is a broken record which never falters in recollection or account. All these memories, a timeless and photographic archive kept for no other reason than to torment you for the rest of your life. You relive a once familiar face spewing terrible factoid after factoid after factoid, which depending on perspective, or if you must be God or not, are either completely baseless opinions, or maybe totally true. You hear that loved one's voice talk terribly about you again, that same one who once whispered in your ear with such a tenderness of care and love. You go ahead and remind yourself that they now almost act like they never loved you or as if they were only the victim of your completely heinous crimes. As if it were ever news to you. You remember that just before that time, you'd already confessed before the conviction. They wouldn't let you take the blame at the time, but then threw you completely under the bus as if you all of the sudden, needed to be punished for being so absolutely terrible. You had already suffered enough. You were going nuts, you put yourself through so much pain and got so low over things barely of your doing because you wanted things to be alright. You remember confessing to them, owning up to every mistake you could think of, and even things you couldn't control...apologizing for things people said you did, but didn't even do. Promising and pleading to make things right. Promising yourself to never leave their side. That you'd always have their back. But now, you go back to remember that the things you promised were seen as nothing. If they meant something to that person once, they mean nothing now. You remember how their parents talked to you like you were worse than trash, forced a breakup. When you had only tried to piece it all together and came back to your love, they were tired of your "excuses". They even wound up thanking their parents for driving you to the edge of suicide and left you to die when they were the only thing you had left. Did I mention that only weeks after telling you they'd wait for you, after their parents forcefully broke you up, would always think the world of you, would always love you, and always want you, they decided they don't even like your gender? Now, time goes by. Those things are gone. You recreate them in your head over and over because they never did turn out alright. You try to find out what you could have done to change the result. You never got your closure and you became nothing but bad memories and the topic of gossip. The last time you tried to talk to the person about it, they told you they were tired of having to explain themselves to you, but they didnt explain anything at all except reminding you that you treated them like ****, that they're never coming back, and that they're gloriously happy with someone else. They are tired of you shifting blame on them, and telling them they almost killed you with the things the way they dumped you. After all, you almost committed suicide a dozen times. They reiterate to you for good measure, that they don't like your gender. It makes you feel disturbed as you flashback to things you did alone together. You question what was real. They tell you they could never have had *** with you, and act like it is a big deal to you. No matter what you say you can't get them to budge. Its odd to you because you already had a form of *** with them - multiple times, and they appeared to like it. Going down on her was a bit of a one way deal, but what made you happy was being able to pleasure her, and you were satisfied with that. There was never any real craving for more. Besides...you loved them, not their ****** anatomy. You thought it was mutual. You thought you were clear. You thought they were honest. Somehow now though, in their mind, they finally stomped you down. As if you were some terribly controlling brainwashing freak... they finally got away from your control and were proud to do so. The control they and their family and friends all made up for you in their heads. Just like how their mother told you that "you never did anything except **** with her head". You know you genuinely loved that girl. You know your promises were real when everyone told her you were full of ****. You remember in the last of the better days, pleading for that person to just be honest and be themselves amid so much ******* and chaos. Meanwhile people including the love of your life are completely moving on because they couldn't care less than to stop for your ****. Your life is whizzing by you. That person that hurt you, or lets say, you hurt, may never speak a word to you again, yet you continue to dwell on things you couldn't change. There are millions of fish in the sea, and you're determined to starve yourself dead before you let that one get away. Little do you know it was caught by someone else months ago and you'll never get it back. You'll just keep trying until you die because then you can pretend it isn't suicide.
Its 3 AM, ******. Sleep well. Enjoy your girlfriend. The one you obliterated me for.
I'd still do anything for you despite the fact that you're the big influence as to why I periodically have suicidal thoughts, the worst panic attacks of my life and began smoking.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I made some promises
That I'd love you forever
That never leave your side
That I'd never betray you
That you'd always be my best friend

I made some statements
That you were the love of my life (actually, you made that one first, you really pulled me in with that one)

...why should I even finish this poem
- I love you. I did leave your side though. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It opened a window for you to find someone better though. I'm glad.

I say I'm sorry too much. I've become you. Sad you. The sad you that I created. I'm sorry god ******, I'm sorry.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I am proud.
I'm proud of you.
While you've just recently hurt me more than anyone I've ever known,
I don't blame you for what you've done.
It was necessary for you.

I am proud.
I am proud of you.
I am proud of you for everything you put up with from me.
I am proud of you for sticking with me until the very end, at least, until you couldn't bear it anymore.
I am proud of you for doing now what you need to do ...to be happy.

I'm not proud.
I'm not proud of myself.
I'm not proud of where I am with you.
I'm not proud of what I've done to you.
I'm not proud that I've hurt the only person I can say I truly know I love.

But I'm here.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Put me together
Tear me apart
Put me together
Tear me apart
Put me together
Tear me apart

Just like you'd do a puzzle
Its okay
Seriously, its okay
I'm a puzzle okay
I'm a puzzle
Only you can solve me now
I know all my pieces
I know how I need to go
But I am only a puzzle
And I can't put myself together
So please do it for me

Put me together one last time
And then you can walk away

Please don't throw me at the wall
Like you did last time

Please don't kick the pieces under your bed
Someday its gonna get dusty under there and you'll see me again

Put me together
Tear me apart

I am only a puzzle.

Puzzles.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
What if we could reboot
Like
Reboot the love and the passion, the feelings and desires,
As if we were only a computer which crashed
Like we just need rebooted

What if we could kiss
Like, kiss each other alive again, mouth to mouth for the dead inside us to save us from dying
As if our lips would let us live again
Like we just need to kiss

What if we could cuddle
Like, cuddle each other warm inside, as if our body heat would warm our feelings to feel less cold
As if cuddling would let us feel again
Like we just need to cuddle

What if everything good we ever did, and I have no regrets
Like, everything would mean something, that we wouldn't just turn to it in a lust-fueled adrenaline rush
As if everything, slow and steady, would let us be us again
Like we just need to do everything

Reboot.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
When this all happened, you said you'd wait for me
Little did I know it was only a lie, you've found another, you've replaced me
I found something special in you, and I thought you'd found it too
When you looked into my eyes the world stopped spinning and time stopped moving
And all I could worry about
Was you

You see, I'm still this way
But you have a different look in your eyes today
I am foreign to you
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Tears run down
My despicable face
It's not ugly
It's worse
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sometimes I'm a river of words
Sometimes I flow with logic and wisdom and knowledge
Sometimes I flow with emotions both good bad, sad, happy, glad and mad (I'm sorry)
Sometimes

But sometimes

Sometimes I'm a drought
Sometimes I am all dried up and I don't flow
Sometimes I **** all the plants and all the life and any chance of living and happiness
Sometimes
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
She said too much.
She made me believe.
And I still want to believe.
But I keep falling and
falling and
falling and
falling into
this never ending abyss
she's created
for me.
It's getting really dark down here. The wind is swooshing through my ears. Getting used to this falling feeling. Still hoping something will catch me. If I die though, I won't even notice. I'm sure it will be instant. I've been accelerating for miles.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Serious
Everyone is too serious
Serious this, serious that,
I can't do this, I can't do that,

Stress
Everyone has stress,
Stress this, stress that,
I can't handle this, I can't handle that,

Peace
Nobody has peace,
No peace with this, no peace with that,
I can't get peace from this, I can't get peace with that...

Relax.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
She is a great friend to everyone around her.
She is going to be my best friend until the end of time, regardless of if I'll get to talk to her or be with her.
She is a great companion. I've never found anyone like her. I may never find someone like her again.
She is the kind of person who lends a hand to someone in need, and she cares about everybody.
She is not perfect. She doesn't have to be. We should love her good and her bad, both teach me lessons.
She is a great example of what people should be. Set examples for me, and I'm a better person now.
She is either undecided about her sexuality, or has given up on boys. I am a boy. But it's okay.
She is not very ****** in nature. I pushed her to do things she wasn't comfortable with.
She is the reason I am alive today. She saved me from some of the darkest times of my life.
She is so beautiful. She's human, practices proper hygiene, and is everything anyone could ask for.
She is outgoing. Despite her low self esteem, she tries to be happy and make others happy too.
She is glorious. When I am in her presence everything bad to ever occur in my world goes away.
She is hurt. I told her awful things. She's been through so much, and I used it against her.
She is historically lighthearted. I made her heart so heavy. She is getting back to herself, though.
She is a good Samaritan. The charity work she does in the lives of others? She deserves awards.
She is okay without me, though I'm not without her. I need someone like her in my life.
She is innocent. The hurt she was put through was undeserved. She didn't pick this life.
She is no longer someone I want to make out with. Have *** with. I don't feel that way anymore.
She is my bliss. I float above the clouds, when I am with her. She is my heaven.
She is my peace. Talking to her is the most graceful thing.
She is not mine to have, or mine to take. Nor should she be taken advantage of by everyone.
She is my heaven on Earth. I called her my soul mate for a reason. I just don't know how to explain this love.
She is killing me.
I love her with all of my heart.

I always will.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I sat awake all night thinking of her...
Much similar to many of the last 150 nights...
I have things to tell her and things to ask her.

I wonder to myself if we're ever meant to be...
She tells me no. She gives me no chance...
She has no plans to continue with me, or give me a second try.

She's falling in love with another girl. Yes, I am a boy...
That girl probably has me beat, in a multitude of ways...
That girl probably treats her sweeter than I ever did or ever would.

But I would die for this girl. She became the reason I lived.
I told her my heart beated to satisfy hers...
And it was true.

I've been in a lot of messes with her.
I've gotten myself in a lot of trouble.
I beat her down emotionally until she could barely breathe.

Much like I've been, lately.
There have been days where I want to die.
There have been days where I wish I'd never met her.

But I get past those days...and I still come to live for her.
I know she doesn't want me anymore.
I know things are awkward...that she wants to be friends, but

I can't get over her. It bothers her.
It hurts me to see her with someone else.
Every time I say something though, its a stab in her chest.

Nowadays, she stabs back.
For all of this pain, for all of these feelings, I still wish her the best.
She was my best friend. I know I'm not hers.

This journey's been tough...it has really been hard.
But I'm living for her. I'm living in hope.
Hope I shouldn't have.

I don't know what to do or say. Or how to move forward.
She knows how I feel. But I can't shake these feelings away.
I don't know if I ever will.

Lord, it bothers her so much. It bothers me.
All we do is hurt each other.
I want her to be happy, and she is now without me, but love is such a selfish thing.

I am only a young man. I am only human.
I want to experience the world with her...
And she just wishes I would leave hers alone.

I want to tell her to be okay. Not to worry a bit about me.
But here I am laying awake, until 7AM.
Here I am, life leaving me behind. Opportunities missed.

I miss her everyday. I miss her soft skin, her eyes and her warmth.
I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I know why she didn't stay.
There are better fish in the sea, than me.

But could she survive on me? Why do I even ask?
Why should I try to degrade her life, for my own sake?
I want to be around to make hers better. But someone else does a better job at that.

I've cried and puked for so long now, and did I for nothing.
It doesn't change the fact that she's in someone else's arms.
It doesn't help mine or hers cause.

But she means the world to me.
The giganticism of that statement...
Is the reason I am lonely without her.

My world is so cold, I don't want to live...
Sometimes I tell myself "Well I don't need her anyway!" but sometimes she just...
Means the world to me.

I jokingly told her that all I wanted for Christmas was her.
Unfortunately the statement was true...
And here I am sitting alone on Christmas morning in my bedroom crying over her.

I had things planned for her and I...
Events, road trips...
None of them would necessitate being a couple...but those plans were for us...us.

She wants to be friends, she told me, since I'm so upset...
She told me, "If she even loves me" she loves me like a brother...
Would she be okay spending 7 days hundreds of miles away, sharing a bed with a brother?

I really just want to show her a good time, after all.
She saved my life, became my partner, my life's meaning.
She built me back up and taught me how to love myself. She became my world...

But I really ****** up a lot of things. She inherited a broken me.
She never completely fixed me. There were cracks...
The glue fell apart under the intense heat of moments, under pressure and stress.

I need her though. If only she would come back...
But she's so happy now, as long as I'm not mentioned.
She gets horrid flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety. She feels broken...

And all I want to do is fix her.
But she has someone else to do that now...someone so much better.
Meanwhile I continue to come undone...

Each day I get a little worse...condemn myself a little more...
Decide to throw away another plan, because she knows my feelings...
And it just wouldn't work.

She means the world to me.
My world is dark now, without her.
I'll love her like this until God knows when...

And that probably means we can't be friends...because she can't enjoy my company...
And when I'm with her, I'm like a bird in a cage, screaming to be let free.
I just want to be able to love the love of my life again.
I am oh so sorry I exist to her...I'm not supposed to be here. I'm misplaced.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
She told me she would wait-
She told me she would wait for me.

I've been wondering this whole time-
I've been wondering this whole time, why she didn't wait?

Turns out,
She did wait.

She waited until my lowest of lows,
To take me even lower.

I've told myself over and over,
That if she would just come back, I'd forgive her.

But she wrecked me, after I was wrecked.
She waited until the perfect moment, to wreck me.

She threw buckets of thermite
On my already burning, mangled car.

I guess she just wanted to make sure
There was nothing left.

Nothing left to come back to.

And she's better now. She's happy where she's at.
She can't see me, anymore.
I'm so ******* dead.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I'm pretty weak.
Weak in body,
Weak in spirit.
Weak in places I never knew I could be.

Your mom screamed at me to grow a backbone.
You were my backbone.
I tried to grow you.
I tried to grow us.

She would have none of it.
Threats, promises, whatevers.
Name calling, screaming and shouting.
I didn't deserve it at all.
You would eventually have none of it, too.
I messed up.
Sam Conrad Feb 2014
Nobody
Sees
How
The
Tears
Weep
For
You
From
My
****
Brown
Eyes
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I'm very sick
Mentally sick
Physically sick
Emotionally sick
I'm suffering
Not sick of you
Though you're sick of me
I shouldn't care anymore
But I do
Make me sicker
I enjoy it
Before I know
This sickness will **** me
I'll be gone
Sip
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Sip
I sit and sip slowly
Hot chocolate and tea
To help warm myself inside
When I'm alone and sad.

I wish I could instead
Sip slowly on your love, beauty and grace,
It works so much better
When I'm alone and sad.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sometimes I wish I could sleep
Forever, so that I could dream
So I could dream the dreams I keep dreaming
So that I could dream of you

Reality has become a nightmare for me
And I just try to dream
Except when I have those dreams
I awake to a nightmare I forgot to expect
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
6:17 AM on a careless Saturday morning
I roll over in my bed to write about
Another sleepless night.
I spent thinking of you.

I thought we had a future, and
I can't help but fantasize because
You're everything I ever wanted
And all I'll ever need...

But you're gone now, and happy in the new place you're in...
And I'm sitting all alone...
You want to be friends...but
Sometimes sitting right across from you now

All I can do is realize how alone I really am...
Because the person there...she
Isn't going to cuddle and kiss my pain away like she used to.
She doesn't want to touch me anymore.

I wish I knew how to make you come back to me...
But only father time knows if you will.
I want you to know how I feel though...
These feelings are almost too great to bear.

But I'll spend these sleepless nights
Wondering if you'll be there.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
If I had it my way,
We'd be slow and steady.

Not like baby steps,
More like jump into everything --
Everything we'd done before
Full of feeling
No regrets
To appreciate wholly
Slow and steady

We would kiss each other gently on the forehead, cheek, lips, hands, to slow down time,
Slow and steady

We would hug each other like we'd never hug again and take more time,
Slow and steady

We would hold our hands together but do it gently and our thumbs would stroke our skins,
Slow and steady

We would look into our eyes and read each others minds again, but this time,
Slow and steady

We would cherish what we thought as "bad and risky", but with more love and deeper this time,
Slow and steady

We would never get doomed or upset afterwards because we'd do it all,
Slow and steady
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Smile
Because you're empty
But pretending to be full

Smile
Because you're supposed to
Even though you're all alone

Smile
Because you're not alone
You're really just alone
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
What do you know
I had to row
Through the snow?
The snows blow
To and fro
It lets me know
It's cold out; but so
Is my heart in tow
Of a love that it will never know
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I know what I'm going to do
About two and a half years from now
I'm going to order a case of Soju

Maybe two cases
One Jinro and one Lotte
Just to switch things up

Tastes similar to Purell
Strong stuff, burns your nose
Two bottles will knock you out

Same stuff my mom drank
When she locked my brother
In the ******* bathroom

Same stuff my aunts drank
When they kicked me as
I hid under a blanket

Same stuff I sneaked shots of
A few years ago, when my mom
Was depressed and decided to drink again
Cheers to --
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Quit saying sorry
And just fix it
God ******
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I'm spending all of my days in bed
I'm spending all of my time trying way too hard for nothing
I'm spending my energy worrying about something that doesn't matter anymore
I'm spending
I'm spending
I'll soon be spent
All gone
Done.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Our spleens exploded
And I think it killed us.
Funny bones
Body parts
Memories
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please
o­KAY
I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Maybe I just like any word
That comes from
Ben Gibbard's mouth
Or maybe it was the simple effects
You had on me
By doing the very simplest things
Such as sharing some songs

May 24th
"Can't Stand It" - Never Shout Never
..."Baby I love you, I never want to let you go..."

June 9th
"Thank You" - Dido
..."And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
And, oh, just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life"

September 23rd
"Bloom" - The Paper Kites
..."In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you."

I have to admit, the song came over the radio on my way to class one night and I had to pull over the car to cry...

September 30th
"The Heart Of Life" - John Mayer
You told me: "No matter what happens, you will always mean the world to me. I will always think good of you. I will always love you."
...song goes
"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

I cry just thinking about this song. I sent it to you when you were upset. I tried to help you. I weep every time now, I'm such a wreck, because I doubt I mean a fraction of what I ever meant to you, anymore...

After you sent that to me, I replied to you:
"I didn't see my inbox until tonight. My poor heart is so broken. It just dropped to the floor. I'm so afraid of losing you. Otherwise I'm okay..." ...

Sent you this song  
October 3rd
"Suddenly" - The Sheepdogs
..."My world at night
Is as quiet as can be
A self imposed solitude
Isn’t half as bad as it seems
But lord I sit tonight, and I dream of somebody
Who in the world could it be?"

You sent me back
October 7th
"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service (Cover by Iron and Wine)
..."I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God Himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away"

I cried so hysterically.
I cried so hysterically.
I cried and cried and cried.

I now cry and cry and cry and cry
Because you had taken me
To such great heights
I can't let go.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Words still ring in my head
*****
What do you want
*****...*****...*****...******...*****...
dead line

So many threats
Don't go into her work
Don't see her at school, and don't ******* talk to her
Stay the **** away from my daughter
*****

Went to see a concert
Walked past her
Had to ignore her
To avoid jail time
When I would have loved to ...nevermind

Walked out
Into the parking lot
Half way there
I'm tackled with such a loving hug
From behind

I am stricken
Words ringing in my head
*****, *****, *****, he called me
It took a minute for me to muster
The courage to say a word to her

I turn around and speak
With such pain in my voice
She tried to calm my fears
She tried to cheer me up but
I just wouldn't budge

Little would I know
It would be the last time
She would ever want
To hug me from behind ...like
Like that ever again

As I sit alone every night, I jump, in surprise,
I'm still surrounded in warmth
As I'm forced to relive this ****,
Her last good surprise to me,
That memory forever

I get these flashbacks,
Like a VHS tape...play, rewind,
Pause, fast forward, but no stop... I still... I still...
I feel her wrap her arms around me
Over and over and over and over

I don't ******* know
How I'll ever get better
When the only thing that
Makes me feel any better
Is the same thing that hurts me

I've speculated upon
Destroying these tapes
Or at least destroying the player
But I can't push myself,
Because suicide is not...

Suicide
Is not the way out
And I don't know what is
But there's a long life ahead
Maybe I'll figure it out
I'm okay.
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