My brain is
A mess
And sometimes I just pretend to be a hoarder
Like I'm okay living in a mess

Other times
I'm throwing up for how awful it is in here

I say hello to a new year,
One that I kicked off in glorious fashion,
Not even at home,
Not with you,
At a friend's house getting drunk
Off my ***
and
Forgetting about you by way of
5 mixed drinks
2 shots of crown, and some ***
6 oz of champagne
1 lonely beer to kick it off
If not only for a few hours and
I only remember half the night,
Though it was sobering to hear
That another one of my acquaintances
Left this Earth.
I wondered how I'd feel if
I'd ever lose you that way
Or how you'd feel if
You ever lost me that way
But quickly realized
I don't really have you to start out with
And
You pushed me away
I'm not something you "have" anymore.
I remember how many days I cried
As if you were dead
So cheers to this 2014 year
The year I lost four people
Is now past.
Three innocently brought
Into the gates of heaven...
If you believe that sort of thing.
A fourth lost in some interpersonal battles
Living in a world without me
Beginning a new year

*** was that last "poem"?
I can't move on
You hit me with your train
I'm just a pile of splatter
You can't stop anymore to clean up!

This isn't the way you wanted me to move on at all
And I'm not really moving on because if you'd stop all this madness
I'd be very happy and much satisfied
But it would hurt you and it would hurt her
Because you made a mistake
You know I didn't deserve this
But at the same time, you like it too
But when you're doing this
What do you expect from me
And why don't you understand what I expected from you?

I have cottonmouth and I'm choking
I miss your hands so I bring them close
I sit you down next to me again in my head
But your hands are full of cotton
You stuff my mouth with cotton
I'm gagging on the cotton
And you're still pretending to be compassionate
Ignoring all my gagging and choking
As you fill my mouth with cotton with a smile
Your new love sitting right on the other side
She is smiling too

I'm tired of writing things like this
But you're killing me
I needed you back
If not only for a bit
I needed you to take things slow
Instead you're head over heels for someone new
You replaced me in such a cruel way,

Last words to me were about our commitment
The next ones were directions for me to forget us ever being together again

What will happen to me?
I can not breathe,
I am not productive,
And I usually say that I don't want to live anymore.

What did it mean to you?
When I said you were the reason I lived?
When I told you I was committed?
When I told you I loved you more than anything on Earth?

Why was I not enough?
I made mistakes, but my hand was forced...
People placed thoughts in my head...
I grew them and blew everything up

Just like my love for you blew up
Just like now how I feel okay talking to you (because it comes naturally)
But when you talk about her I just want to die?

What will happen to me?
Will more pills will help let me pretend I don't have this problem?
Swallowing extra extra extra doses of pain killers for the wrong kind of pain?

I have lots to look forward to, but
Remember those times when I said you made the rest of the world disappear?
It works in the opposite too...

Earlier I wanted to die again
While 4 hours ago I felt fine to hang out with you.
Until I get to see how someone else has taken my place in what I used to be to you.

Panic panic everywhere
Everything is alright
Except my head

Smile
Because you're empty
But pretending to be full

Smile
Because you're supposed to
Even though you're all alone

Smile
Because you're not alone
You're really just alone

I have nothing to say anymore...
I just want to look you in the eyes one more time, smile, and cry.
You're not mine.
Maybe you're not supposed to be.
Maybe someday you'll come back to me.
You're special to me and dear to my heart.
You permanently scribed your place in it forever.
Little did I know you wouldn't be here forever.
I am fighting a horrible pain, I find it hard to get out of bed nowadays.
I hope you don't mind me loving you.
I hope you realize someday how much I need you. You brought such life to my world...
Like a mother cries as her daughter departs, I will cry for you.
I found true love in you.
You've not just become family to me, you became the reason I lived.
My door is always open, I will always take you in.
I will happily provide you shelter no matter what the situation. I will always be here for you.
I will always be here to love you, if you so wish to come back.
Please understand, I wish I could spend everyday with you.
I'm sorry I thought of every day I didn't spend with you "another wasted".
I should have thought of them as working toward another day closer until the next time I saw you.
I know that my words do not mean what they used to anymore, and while I miss you everyday,...
I hope she treats you well, like you deserve, like I couldn't.  But if she doesn't, I'm here.
If you don't come back anyway, I hope the next person treats you the way you should be.
You're a gem in this world.
I will try my best for you, to crack a smile, as I shed my tears for you.

Sitting cross-legged in a field of grass
Sun glimmers through the trees
Eyes closed, breathing with the flow of the wind
Hands planted on my thighs
A deer gazes from up on the hill, 1000 feet away
Continue to breathe with the flow of the wind
Three feet in front, a female mirror, my best friend
Doing all the same, breathing with the flow of the wind
No words, only the sound of our breaths and the leaves rustling in the trees
No lust, instead of one with each other we become once become one of the same
Separate people
Similar struggles
Finally found the calm

She is a great friend to everyone around her.
She is going to be my best friend until the end of time, regardless of if I'll get to talk to her or be with her.
She is a great companion. I've never found anyone like her. I may never find someone like her again.
She is the kind of person who lends a hand to someone in need, and she cares about everybody.
She is not perfect. She doesn't have to be. We should love her good and her bad, both teach me lessons.
She is a great example of what people should be. Set examples for me, and I'm a better person now.
She is either undecided about her sexuality, or has given up on boys. I am a boy. But it's okay.
She is not very ****** in nature. I pushed her to do things she wasn't comfortable with.
She is the reason I am alive today. She saved me from some of the darkest times of my life.
She is so beautiful. She's human, practices proper hygiene, and is everything anyone could ask for.
She is outgoing. Despite her low self esteem, she tries to be happy and make others happy too.
She is glorious. When I am in her presence everything bad to ever occur in my world goes away.
She is hurt. I told her awful things. She's been through so much, and I used it against her.
She is historically lighthearted. I made her heart so heavy. She is getting back to herself, though.
She is a good Samaritan. The charity work she does in the lives of others? She deserves awards.
She is okay without me, though I'm not without her. I need someone like her in my life.
She is innocent. The hurt she was put through was undeserved. She didn't pick this life.
She is no longer someone I want to make out with. Have *** with. I don't feel that way anymore.
She is my bliss. I float above the clouds, when I am with her. She is my heaven.
She is my peace. Talking to her is the most graceful thing.
She is not mine to have, or mine to take. Nor should she be taken advantage of by everyone.
She is my heaven on Earth. I called her my soul mate for a reason. I just don't know how to explain this love.
She is killing me.

How did you feel during those months?
Is it anything like I feel now?
Did you lay in bed, dead until the Sun went down?
Did you lay awake at night weeping tears (and maybe liquid crimson out of scarlet marks?)
Did you lose your desire to do what you love?
Did you forget who you were, what you stood for, and what you wanted to do?
Did you have post-traumatic stress, get anxiety and panic attacks when reminded of me?
Did you get angry, and then guilty afterwards, did you miss me, but hate me too?

Did you forget how you learned to love the simple things in life?
The shining sun, the green grass, the birds chirping?

This is really a poem about how I've been.

I'm very sick
Mentally sick
Physically sick
Emotionally sick
I'm suffering
Not sick of you
Though you're sick of me
I shouldn't care anymore
But I do
Make me sicker
I enjoy it
Before I know
This sickness will **** me
I'll be gone

I am hurt
I am hurt more than you know
Some of it is self inflicted
Some of it is not
I am hurt very badly
Not sure if I will recover
Not that it matters anyway
You care but
At the same time, don't

I am lost.
It is foreign and cold.
I am afraid of dying.

My doctor says I lost 8 pounds in 6 weeks.
Down to 120.
What 5 foot 9 inch tall man weighs 120 pounds?

I'm borderline anorexic.
He is very concerned.
800 calories a day is probably not enough.

I am lost.
I am withering away.
Soon I'll be gone.

I would have loved more than anything
For you to tell me you loved me
On Christmas
But you don't love me anymore
You just want to make sure I don't die
So you don't have to blame yourself

I sat awake all night thinking of her...
Much similar to many of the last 150 nights...
I have things to tell her and things to ask her.

I wonder to myself if we're ever meant to be...
She tells me no. She gives me no chance...
She has no plans to continue with me, or give me a second try.

She's falling in love with another girl. Yes, I am a boy...
That girl probably has me beat, in a multitude of ways...
That girl probably treats her sweeter than I ever did or ever would.

But I would die for this girl. She became the reason I lived.
I told her my heart beated to satisfy hers...
And it was true.

I've been in a lot of messes with her.
I've gotten myself in a lot of trouble.
I beat her down emotionally until she could barely breathe.

Much like I've been, lately.
There have been days where I want to die.
There have been days where I wish I'd never met her.

But I get past those days...and I still come to live for her.
I know she doesn't want me anymore.
I know things are awkward...that she wants to be friends, but

I can't get over her. It bothers her.
It hurts me to see her with someone else.
Every time I say something though, its a stab in her chest.

Nowadays, she stabs back.
For all of this pain, for all of these feelings, I still wish her the best.
She was my best friend. I know I'm not hers.

This journey's been tough...it has really been hard.
But I'm living for her. I'm living in hope.
Hope I shouldn't have.

I don't know what to do or say. Or how to move forward.
She knows how I feel. But I can't shake these feelings away.
I don't know if I ever will.

Lord, it bothers her so much. It bothers me.
All we do is hurt each other.
I want her to be happy, and she is now without me, but love is such a selfish thing.

I am only a young man. I am only human.
I want to experience the world with her...
And she just wishes I would leave hers alone.

I want to tell her to be okay. Not to worry a bit about me.
But here I am laying awake, until 7AM.
Here I am, life leaving me behind. Opportunities missed.

I miss her everyday. I miss her soft skin, her eyes and her warmth.
I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I know why she didn't stay.
There are better fish in the sea, than me.

But could she survive on me? Why do I even ask?
Why should I try to degrade her life, for my own sake?
I want to be around to make hers better. But someone else does a better job at that.

I've cried and puked for so long now, and did I for nothing.
It doesn't change the fact that she's in someone else's arms.
It doesn't help mine or hers cause.

But she means the world to me.
The giganticism of that statement...
Is the reason I am lonely without her.

My world is so cold, I don't want to live...
Sometimes I tell myself "Well I don't need her anyway!" but sometimes she just...
Means the world to me.

I jokingly told her that all I wanted for Christmas was her.
Unfortunately the statement was true...
And here I am sitting alone on Christmas morning in my bedroom crying over her.

I had things planned for her and I...
Events, road trips...
None of them would necessitate being a couple...but those plans were for us...us.

She wants to be friends, she told me, since I'm so upset...
She told me, "If she even loves me" she loves me like a brother...
Would she be okay spending 7 days hundreds of miles away, sharing a bed with a brother?

I really just want to show her a good time, after all.
She saved my life, became my partner, my life's meaning.
She built me back up and taught me how to love myself. She became my world...

But I really ****** up a lot of things. She inherited a broken me.
She never completely fixed me. There were cracks...
The glue fell apart under the intense heat of moments, under pressure and stress.

I need her though. If only she would come back...
But she's so happy now, as long as I'm not mentioned.
She gets horrid flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety. She feels broken...

And all I want to do is fix her.
But she has someone else to do that now...someone so much better.
Meanwhile I continue to come undone...

Each day I get a little worse...condemn myself a little more...
Decide to throw away another plan, because she knows my feelings...
And it just wouldn't work.

She means the world to me.
My world is dark now, without her.
I'll love her like this until God knows when...

And that probably means we can't be friends...because she can't enjoy my company...
And when I'm with her, I'm like a bird in a cage, screaming to be let free.
I just want to be able to love the love of my life again.

I check my inbox every 10 minutes
For your replies
And when I see the notification
I have a heart attack

But I loved you
I still do love you
But I'm not allowed
And frankly, I'm scared shitless by you.

She told me she would wait-
She told me she would wait for me.

I've been wondering this whole time-
I've been wondering this whole time, why she didn't wait?

Turns out,
She did wait.

She waited until my lowest of lows,
To take me even lower.

I've told myself over and over,
That if she would just come back, I'd forgive her.

But she wrecked me, after I was wrecked.
She waited until the perfect moment, to wreck me.

She threw buckets of thermite
On my already burning, mangled car.

I guess she just wanted to make sure
There was nothing left.

Nothing left to come back to.

And she's better now. She's happy where she's at.
She can't see me, anymore.

I once tried to get drunk off of hand sanitizer
On a bad night when I yelled at you
After you seemed to fall asleep
But I think it was the night you relapsed

How else would I know
How Purell tastes?

Merry Christmas to all of those who roam this Earth
Merry Christmas to those who tell me I shouldn't be forcing a holiday upon someone
Merry Christmas to all of those people who realize it's the thought of something good that counts
Christmas is a special holiday for many,
Most certainly for the children,
I hope those adults out there don't have to spend it alone,
And I hope those kids have all kinds of marvelous gifts.
I'll surely be sipping on my favorite drink and reminiscing of a dream lost in vain,
But I just like the calm.
Once again, Merry Christmas.

I have such a debilitating pain
You helped me deal with it so well
Where are you?
I miss you.
I'm so lonely with out you.

But, I have a debilitating Central Nervous System Disorder, and

My arms, I just want to make them disappear
My legs, they feel like I need to cut them off, they ache so badly
Want to sever my limbs by any means necessary because they hurt me so badly...
My chest, I get rather short of breath, like I just ran a marathon
My back aches like I've been hit with a baseball bat

It is actually quite like you'd feel, after running a marathon, except I don't get better;

Then now,
You're not here to be the pills that ease my pain
You're not here to be the relief when I just want to cry
You're not here to cuddle and comfort me anymore-
Oh wait, I'll have to finish this later

I have a brother screaming at me
I have parents calling me lazy
They don't understand my awful, awful pain
I have new medication to take your place
But sometimes I take too much

They say time heals all wounds
If so
Then
Why are my wounds getting worse

Why is it becoming harder
Everyday you get better
Everyday I get worse
Soon I'll be...

Hug me
Comfort me
Take away my pain
I need you

Hug me
Comfort me
Take away my pain
Do me one more favor, please

Hug her
Comfort her
She takes away your pain
I'm a lost soul, misplaced in a world without you.

Hug her
Comfort her
She loves away your pain
Replaced me, she's an upgraded model, she's your "Significant Other: 2.0"

Breathing is hard.
Every gasp is like I'm barely treading water
Each second is another under the waves
I am gasping for air
My throat is closing
Somebody help me!?!?!

Seeing is hard.
The salt water is burning my eyes and the skies are dark
I barely know which way is up
I'm wiping my eyes in between the lightning strikes
I'm giving up, screaming, crying pretentiously
The sea will have none of it...

I'm giving up.
I just filled my lungs with salt water, intentionally
This is my last goodbye
I sink like a rock
I close my eyes and think a prayer
This is the end.

I'm spending all of my days in bed
I'm spending all of my time trying way too hard for nothing
I'm spending my energy worrying about something that doesn't matter anymore
I'm spending
I'm spending
I'll soon be spent
All gone
Done.

I don't want to see her anymore

I don't want to hug her or talk to her

I don't want to see her point of view anymore

Because all she does is condemn mine, blame me

...

Or maybe I'm trying really hard

Maybe I'm trying to find closure in the way she cut me off

Maybe I'm trying to make things up

Maybe I'm trying to say, "Hey, I'm sorry. No hard feelings. I know it's hard for you too."

...

But I'm starting to realize

It's becoming all my fault

I'm starting to

Give up

Hate lurks in the shadows
As the *** calls the kettle black
It is getting much darker
My flashlight is going dim
I am finding it harder
To cast light to brighten the days

I just apologized for something that really wasn't even my fault
I apologized because I know you felt bad
I apologized because I'm just trying really hard to be understanding

But don't you understand I was upset too...
I'm upset every day over you, because of what you did too
I swear I just told you

But all you could say back was

"I forgive you."

Here goes another panic attack, I'll surely sleep well tonight.
Don't apologize. You're right.
I ******* ****

Okay.
Three words and a period.
I'll disappear now.

This morning, I was miserable.
My body is wretched, with unbearable pain.

Well I wonder
What does she think of me?
Well it's clear
She doesn't think of me

In all of the great ways I used to know

Well I ponder
What all she thinks of me?
But my fears
Are that she sips her tea

While burning all my pictures in a row

Why am I here
If I'm supposed to leave?
Why is she not
Standing next to me?

Well I guess I'll never know

And that I'll never get to show
How I would love her, All my ducks in row
Though I never was a crop to sow
But I guess I'll never get to show

My love to that girl
That I used to know

You are so sweet
We're all addicted to sweet
As people...
But maybe it's time
I go on a diet
That I learn to cut back
But my sweet tooth
It yearns for you

You've been a roller-coaster
So much fun
But so many ups and downs
But so many downs
You've gotten off
But I'm still on
Reliving the drop
Over and over

I'm not sweet
Like you
I don't know how sometimes
To be sweet
But maybe it's time I learn
I just hope I don't
Make everyone sick
Overdoing it

Full and empty, is what I am.
Full of feelings, but empty space
You occupied my heart...gave it new life
Then tore the wallpaper right off the walls

Full of anxiety
I can not breathe
The room is spinning, and I didn't do anything this evening
It's going to be long night

Maybe I should check into a hospital

It's like I'm breathing all the smoke
When the house is on fire

Do you remember when I called you
The best medicine for my headaches?
The cure for my pain?

I almost forgot myself

Why do you describe it as
Only being in love
Or not being in love
What is "in love" anyway
It took you a while to fall in love before
Why would I expect you to ever
Fall in love with me again
But after the stories, trust, and promises we shared
And after what I did to you, I only expected you
To let a newly planted seed grow

I'm not in love with you
I love you
There's a difference when I told you
I was in love with you
And that I'll always love you
They aren't the same thing
And the reason I said
I could spend my life with you
Is not because of the things
Only a ****** could offer
But what's up in your head

Falling in love
Is something kids do
Before they understand
Why grandparents put up with each other
For 50 long years
And why married couples
Talk about their spouse
As their best friend, because they vowed to love forever
You were that kind of a companion to me
Your company was what mattered, your existence on earth
I wish I could have gotten it through your head

You didn't have to change a thing

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my heart is doing right now

Thump
Thump
Thump
Goes the headache I have

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is the rhythm of my life

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my head did into the wall way too many times

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is the definition of my life

Thump
Thump
Thump
Defined by The Free Dictionary
              "The muffled sound produced by or as if by a blow with a blunt object"

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my soul did when you dumped it by the wayside

Thump
Thump
Thump
I am the blunt object that hit you
Like kicks in the shins
Over and
Over and
Over until
You couldn't
Stand up

If one word
Could describe me
It would be
Thump

Sent you some messages
Hope you read them
Slowly and thoughtfully

I was okay for a bit
Ate my dinner,
A nice light salad

Thought I was okay
Until a horrible pain
Came over my chest

The anxiety unbearable
My heart it trembles
I can't even breathe

I don't know why I love you
But I can't stop
Though I pretend to

I'm tired of pretending
I'm living a lie
You don't love me

You never will love me
I don't know what
I'm good for, anymore

Why is it that
When I puked it up a minute ago
All I could think of

Are people less fortunate
Than me that deserved
That meal instead of me

I know what I'm going to do
About two and a half years from now
I'm going to order a case of Soju

Maybe two cases
One Jinro and one Lotte
Just to switch things up

Tastes similar to Purell
Strong stuff, burns your nose
Two bottles will knock you out

Same stuff my mom drank
When she locked my brother
In the ******* bathroom

Same stuff my aunts drank
When they kicked me as
I hid under a blanket

Same stuff I sneaked shots of
A few years ago, when my mom
Was depressed and decided to drink again

Words still ring in my head
*****
What do you want
*****...*****...*****...******...*****...
dead line

So many threats
Don't go into her work
Don't see her at school, and don't ******* talk to her
Stay the **** away from my daughter
*****

Went to see a concert
Walked past her
Had to ignore her
To avoid jail time
When I would have loved to ...nevermind

Walked out
Into the parking lot
Half way there
I'm tackled with such a loving hug
From behind

I am stricken
Words ringing in my head
*****, *****, *****, he called me
It took a minute for me to muster
The courage to say a word to her

I turn around and speak
With such pain in my voice
She tried to calm my fears
She tried to cheer me up but
I just wouldn't budge

Little would I know
It would be the last time
She would ever want
To hug me from behind ...like
Like that ever again

As I sit alone every night, I jump, in surprise,
I'm still surrounded in warmth
As I'm forced to relive this ****,
Her last good surprise to me,
That memory forever

I get these flashbacks,
Like a VHS tape...play, rewind,
Pause, fast forward, but no stop... I still... I still...
I feel her wrap her arms around me
Over and over and over and over

I don't ******* know
How I'll ever get better
When the only thing that
Makes me feel any better
Is the same thing that hurts me

I've speculated upon
Destroying these tapes
Or at least destroying the player
But I can't push myself,
Because suicide is not...

Suicide
Is not the way out
And I don't know what is
But there's a long life ahead
Maybe I'll figure it out

Dear pills
Please take away my pain
I swallow you in angst like
I try to swallow my pride
Too much at once
Too much to handle

Dear sleep
Please take away my restlessness
I ask for good dreams, but
I only dream of her and
When I wake up reality
Is a nightmare

Dear alcohol
Please take away my yearning
I downed a lot of bottles but
I didn't stop thinking of her
I just pretended to be okay but
Only my face got numb

Dear death
Please end my play, for
I'm living a life best suited
As a modern theatrical tragedy,
A spin on Shakespeare's Romeo
Where Juliet isn't real

It's Sunday
I won't go to church today
I haven't gone to church in a while
Because I miss the feeling of your body
In the seat next to mine

It's Sunday
I don't think I believe in God
I believed when I was with you
But you just kind of had that effect on me
From the seat next to mine

It's Sunday
I'll probably say some prayers
That you'd be like God and forgive me
I miss the person that warmed me
And the cold seat next to mine

It's Sunday
I shooed off the angel sent from heaven
She became the reason I lived and
That angel was a lovely companion
In the seat next to mine

I don't know why I got caught up
In the ideas of this world
Where we think happiness can be bought

I don't know why I thought
You needed to prove things to me
I'm perplexed by myself I don't know what got into me

I don't know why I thought
You weren't perfect the way you were
I did sometimes and other times didn't, but I know which side I'll stick on

You're the kind of person
That can't be bought by petty words
You're the prize I can't touch
That sits on the wall in the back
Of my life's carnival game
I'm the kid, and I played until I broke it and
Then I'd never be able to take you home
I was told to go home and I fought until
Escorted off the property

Please pretend
I'm not the one
Who wrote this
That a stranger
Dropped it off to
Make your day

You're beautiful.
You're wonderful.
You're the kind of girl,
That both the boys and girls fall for.
You're insert positive adjective here.
Not because you're a cute face.
Not because your body is the perfect shape.
Not because long sleeves might hide your pain.
Because you're someone they look up to
You're someone a lot of people look up to
Even though most people wouldn't admit it
I'd rather be open about it
You're a bright mind.
You're an open mind.
You're a caring mind.
You're a mind full of optimism.
You're a cute mind.
You're a witty mind.
You're more clever than you know.
A genius trapped
Under the eyes of the world
Or at least, the overbearing souls
Of those who surround you.
You're amazing,
Because you actually amaze.
You've surprised a lot of people
With your persona because
You have a voice in it
That people can't see or hear
But they feel it
Oh, I know they feel it
They love you for it
Like the expression on a face
Carries a universal language
You carry another kind,
One much more rare.
You're the kind of person who
Doesn't come around often
The kind of person
That everyone desires
I should have known
I'd lose the rat race to your heart
I'm not capable
Of the necessary actions
To satisfy something so pure
You're a diamond
And I'm the dirt
I just hope I don't bury you
As you're trying to shine

The tears in my eyes fall
Like raindrops on concrete
In the middle of a thunderstorm
On a muggy summer's day
To make myself feel better
I imagine I'm out there
Becoming drenched in the rain
To be able to feel again

The tears in my eyes fell
In the second week of August
I was up until 4
There was a bad thunderstorm
I almost went outside
To lay in the field across the street
In the pouring rain, amid the thunder
That I would be refreshed
That would be reborn
But also wishing
The lightning would strike
And end the pain
I put you through

Maybe I just like any word
That comes from
Ben Gibbard's mouth
Or maybe it was the simple effects
You had on me
By doing the very simplest things
Such as sharing some songs

May 24th
"Can't Stand It" - Never Shout Never
..."Baby I love you, I never want to let you go..."

June 9th
"Thank You" - Dido
..."And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
And, oh, just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life"

September 23rd
"Bloom" - The Paper Kites
..."In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you."

I have to admit, the song came over the radio on my way to class one night and I had to pull over the car to cry...

September 30th
"The Heart Of Life" - John Mayer
You told me: "No matter what happens, you will always mean the world to me. I will always think good of you. I will always love you."
...song goes
"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

I cry just thinking about this song. I sent it to you when you were upset. I tried to help you. I weep every time now, I'm such a wreck, because I doubt I mean a fraction of what I ever meant to you, anymore...

After you sent that to me, I replied to you:
"I didn't see my inbox until tonight. My poor heart is so broken. It just dropped to the floor. I'm so afraid of losing you. Otherwise I'm okay..." ...

Sent you this song  
October 3rd
"Suddenly" - The Sheepdogs
..."My world at night
Is as quiet as can be
A self imposed solitude
Isn’t half as bad as it seems
But lord I sit tonight, and I dream of somebody
Who in the world could it be?"

You sent me back
October 7th
"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service (Cover by Iron and Wine)
..."I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God Himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away"

I cried so hysterically.
I cried so hysterically.
I cried and cried and cried.

I now cry and cry and cry and cry
Because you had taken me
To such great heights

It's 4 PM
I close my eyes
And I breathe
I turn off the music and the TV
I put down my book
And I breathe
Telling myself I need you
But I force myself to stop
And I breathe
I wish I could make you believe
You didn't make me happy, because

You were my happy

And I breathe
It's up to you to decide
I know that and you have
And I breathe
I just have to hope
You may change your mind
And I breathe

Lately
I don't do very much
Except sing
Love songs

But I've thrown up
So many times
My voice is raspy
And it's hard to sing

I like to sing
Which just reminds me
How stupid I've been
In the past to you