Hey pineapple
Its only been a few hours since you left
My chapstick fell over on the nightstand
Was that you?
Did you bump that on the way out of our room?
The tiny ***** popped out of my glasses
Did you do that too?

Hey pineapple
I walked past the empty middle room that was going to be yours just now
And grief hit me like a brick in the chest
I hurried past
I don’t like looking in there right now

Hey pineapple
I made my tea this morning like a drinking bird
Just dipping the steeper into the water mechanically
Staring intently at nothing
Like you had your tiny hands over my eyes
I have caught myself doing that a lot this morning

Hey pineapple
The house feels a lot stiller now
But there is no peace here
I can already feel my despair turning into rage
At everything and nothing

Hey pineapple
Sorry I keep reaching out to you
Your mom keeps saying “I feel dead inside”
We have to keep walking in on each other crying
And numbly holding each other
Everything is numb

Hey pineapple
I know I already said it
But I’m sorry

Hey pineapple
I’m sorry I loved you so much
Before I even got a chance to meet you
And now your mom and I are here
And my diaphragm keeps locking up
My face slick with tears

Hey pineapple
I feel like I’m on a little tin row boat
With no oars but the water is calm
Still, I keep getting pulled away from you
And you’re waving to me from the dock
Not sad
Just there

“Bye dad”
“Bye buddy. You know how much I love you?”
“Yeah dad”

And the water isn’t moving but the dock keeps getting further away

Hey pineapple
I’m so sorry
I’ve been buying video games to play with you
And books to read you
Your mom and I had already started arguing about what to do with you when
The best time to take you target shooting
What to tell you about god (and my lack of it)
We got ahead of ourselves
Can you blame us?

Hey pineapple
I really hope that
Even though I don’t believe in a lot of things
I believed in how much I loved you
How great my life would have been with you in it
How happy you would have made your mom and I
How smart and funny you would have been

Hey pineapple
Did you know
Your aunt Sarah named you
It was the picture of you as an embryo
“I don’t know what I’m looking at, it looks like a pineapple”

Hey pineapple
I’m sorry buddy
I’ll just have to meet you elsewhere
Instead of where we should have met
In a stare while you lay swaddled in my arms
A small smile or belly laugh
Feeling you breath against my chest


Hey pineapple
I’m sorry

Morning bumblebees
Laze in sunflower pollen
Orange petals sway

Oh!
Why must all lessons worth learning
Begin with pain?

Fallen rain on vines
Tomatoes perched over wet dirt
Bird song in the mist

I talk to the Sycamores-
the eight sentinels
ones I planted as seed

Ten or more years-
I touch their trunks
tell them they are doing well

They in turn shelter
and much more
love me as their own.

And when you turned around
disdain in your eyes
and said “what’s the matter with you?”
I knew.

And when, during an argument,
you said “if that’s the way you want to twist things”
you reminded me of my father
and I knew then too.

And then, when the elevator opened, when you turned and walked away
because I answered your question honestly,
I knew
that what was once beautiful was merely the situation
and the joy, pleasure, delight
was mine alone
and nothing
to do
with you.