if you move forward, you impact more than you'll ever believe
just one shake makes the whole picture

and we fall in love
cherries in the groves
lime sugar love
unable to grow

can we take it back
forget what i said
blocked until the next time
left me on read
regret what you said
thought the best time

headache in my chest
text message in your breath
hiding til the next time
creeping on the rest
if you just press send
we’ll forget the flatline

replacing the words should, could, and want is at the top on my agenda. for now, for later, i'll feel better, if i do this. i feel literal. i feel analytical. i feel hard pressed. words come to me in a linear line with the beginning, middle and ending. is that why life feels a little confusing scrubbing through the timeline

connection is the easiest thing to achieve in the world. clarity is what gets to me. i cannot say a single word out loud. if i could just finish that sentence. the one that i wrote last week. I already talked about it with whoever lived in my head at the time. a day later, they vanish. we talk about unnecessary places, but i can't remember their name.
last year, that was important.
this year, this is important.

think before you speak might be the worst thing ever said.

side by side
perfectly in line
to make the circle
around my head
in outspace
with diamonds in my eyes
and a price on my tongue
my numbers too high
the dual tones
and my vision is unseen
right in between
there aren't even lines

as long as we keep
floating,
we're drifting
and spinning away

further apart and my hands hurt
if i let go soon
the trees will be bleak
and the sky will bleed the red that runs from my eyes

all forgiven
and we run through the color corrected forest
hoping that this will be over soon

opening to the good
closing to the past
not forgetting
but giving myself space

I have too many tabs open
for my soul to regulate

packing up my stuff, im leaving in days
i know its not goodbye
but its growth
a leap
a feeling
a new place with new experiences
and i could not be feeling better

this is all for a reason

it was freezing cold in my room when i looked out my window and saw you. standing in between trees covered in snow and leftover freeze. the seasons are ******* you when you can't go inside. completely numb i felt nothing outside. my room was a blue, your skin was covered in red. frost bite looks different when you're off your meds.

on here i tend to let it spill out, until i figure it out
but today i realized that if everything is too much
that i should listen instead of taking on something else

if you cannot commit your best, then whats the point
and if you cannot give yourself some love, then whats the point

better to work hard, than work busily
and better to give something love and watch it grow

feeling intense
and missing out
one let to the other
and your more practical than before
but you forgot what it is like to not make sense
reversed it when you could've just leaned to the left
and on the left to the right and gone full circle

the house you dreamed about, was just a memory, and its harder to find. its not even for sale, let alone on the market.

and i know its hard but its where you are.
maybe eventually, maybe one day, maybe a wednesday or a thursday, it will feel like a home again.

being wrong isnt always bad
its just a reminder that sometimes you make something
out of nothing
and nothing comes from nothing
so why try and make something that isnt there
when you can focus on whats in front of you

settling into a new place.
making it home

its not just being here
but being apart of here

it was harder than i thought,
but its all starting to come together
and to feel like home

the next part of my life is just around the corner.
we are staring each other in the face
and shes telling me its time

time to come see how good life can be

i like you with your clothes off and i like him with his on. i wish it didnt snow so hard in my room.

finishing up the past four years of my life
and i could not be prouder
because i went through so much, yet still came so far

and i can only think that this is what the rest of my life holds

she dreams in primarily colors
and listens to the same tune
i do
and i think about her
until i see the way she does  

flushed cheeks, loose sleeves
fourth of july is only for the lonely ones

everyone acting manic today
cause someone made it
and they gotta get on the team

looking for something
returning with nothing
ripped sleeves and ****** knees

i was hoping for a moment of your time, and it looks like instead I got the blue laced face that showed up in your head.

it all happened one night,
and you know who you are.

seems like days get more spaced out or im falling in and out of consciousness and can only remember that the seconds change every hour and the minutes last a month. its been a few years, and judging by my timeline it feels like almost a decade. sometimes i still feel like it might of worked. sometimes i don't remember your name. sometimes i feel it all. it feels so distant its almost feels invalid. how dare the thought even cross my mind. whenever i hear it knocking on my window i slam it shut and the humidity makes me sweat out the sickness. i cant seem to move my arms, my legs, my hands, my head into a new space, into a new person. i can't even ******* sit up.

thinking about you in a catch all
my hands keep moving but its still on
why are all these clothes still on
all i can think about while we get on

ive decided that if i write a self critical poem then it must be followed by something hopeful I've realized recently. its 2020 and i feel like ive finally watched a movie that can articulate how i think about things. its like ive been trying to find the words and someone finally said them the way i'm thinking about them. i can finally breathe out. in a good way. if i can use movies to make sense of things, thats a good thing. if i can use photos to make sense of things, thats a good thing. when i act on that i feel better. i can follow through.

i need you so much closer
and i scream your name
and i think about you every night
and i wonder how ill make it
without the sun in the sky
the green in the grass
the blue in the eyes
the yellow in the rays
that hit your face
and the last time I saw you
you were covered in grey

but i know
that it'll come when its meant to
no matter how far we climb and
how far we come
i need you so much closer

i will continue to line my playlists one by one
until the list is too long
and i can't tell the year
up from down
your tongue to my throat
cut me in half
and i spill out spotify playlists that will never last

its been a while since i felt that way

i guess when i check socials it feels like i need someone to tell me im doing something right, well, correct, even if it comes in the form of a like, share, comment. what im really craving is someone to give me real advice, real compliments, real talks. its easy to cover one up with the other, but it is not easy to confuse. i know i can see the difference clearly.

you know?
that little voice inside your head leading you to believe that her work has depth and his work has insight and their work has character.
but what does your work have? can't its function be bigger than just a comparison to his, hers, theirs work. Is the work an extension of someone else- or is it a creation. A creation that was built from limb and slaved over for months until it was perfect. And perfect could not even describe it perfectly.

If its a comparison it cannot be anything more than a comparison.
Lets not get stuck there anymore.

thought about you
thought about him
im just so curious
i cant stay the same

if we are talking about poems
ill break your heart
but if we are talking about power moves
ill break your neck

and if we are being honest
if you stay in my way
ill make you switch lanes

IF FROSTBITE REALLY LOOKS SO DIFFERENT
THEN I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE IN THE SUN

I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE SHOWN
NEVER MEANT TO MEAN ENOUGH

SIDEWAYS THOUGHTS WERE ALL IT EVER WAS

the bed is colder than i remember
but i only remember the summer

only meant to be left to the side
perfect for the times you're not busy
and this trip might be the last one for me

if i cut the cord will you still call?
you know we have cell phones now
and i keep my air pods in just in case i catch your stare

can you?
will you?
trust you?
love you?
hurt you?
support you?
feel you?
relieve you?
be everything to you?

i like you and it feels like
i don't know how to form the shape of a letter
and the word forms took too long to sound out
so i nodded in your direction
and looked at you so intensely  
only hoping you'd get the message

waited all day for a hard drive that didn't show.
took a moment to think about the fact that I'm not making any money.
feeling okay because i'm scared to write otherwise.
my computer screen is hurting my eyes.

but what if i can?
do this.
people have faith in me and i can't,
blow this.

never an option and that makes me excited.
i just have to figure things out with me.
maybe i have things down on one side
but the other side is a mirror that reflects something i dont like.  

after this i think i might need to get
balanced.

if you listen
and feel the energy
the world gives you signs
and helps you know
you're doing this right

writing the pain away
until my soul wont ache

and my sense of humor comes back
and I start seeing color in my day

because this black and white is hurting my eyes
and the lack of energy you're giving me is deceiving

big head
bigger moves

can't forget that i did this and you did that

but either way we stay golden

if you watched through a window of my life
youd see me trying so hard to figure out what is real and fake
that i missed the point completely
that all that really matters is what i make
and what i like
and what i feel

because i feel so deeply people think its a joke
its too hard to even speak of because whenever i try my facetime freezes

and this poor connection is upsetting

touch my toes
lick my wrist
smell the salt
sick in the sand

wait for me next time

i write all at once. with little edits. no going back.

only one half baked idea after another.

it's because of my parents

the intensity just comes off so so so annoying
i hate trying too hard
can i not try at all

everything you do seems effortless im trying to get back to that

dont text dont text
words never came out of my mouth correctly
but you came on my back and never left
id rather have come on my fingers

i can do anything
and if i dont quit
then i am about to see
something bigger than before

a whole another level
its not even the same game
and the more i try
the harder it comes
but the more i see it through

the glass is foggy
but getting clearer everyday

and i didn't even want it
throw it in the trash just to flaunt it

point it out and run it out
talking so loud, turn it down

i used to have a pack
traded it in for a band and then some

no use for all that when your something great

am i afraid to get to close because of what id lose or because of what you'd see

where did my insides go???

so passive
deleting the words

the circle became a triangle
three sides to me  

can't breathe
i love when you choke me

if its not there it never will be
and not everything works out like your favorite song
the melodies so precise they take time
and time is of the essence and never for the weak
only the strong
and the stronger
can take the chance on someone
and give it the energy to make it work

the disappointment is never the other person
but rather
that you could've tried harder yourself

and today is rough so i'll leave this here.

would love to talk about it, if i felt you were near.

I wanted to be smooth, and soft around the edges.

instead i sliced through every moment we had together.

is this how i feel or is it how im supposed to feel. i hope to understand the difference fully. it takes time. im supposed to use my senses to feel things to calm the nonstop talking in my head. its working. i feel the ridges of my two front teeth. the keys im pressing feel smooth. i think i smell the lemon from my dinner and i hear the ac, my show, a small hum, room tone.