i thought about running into you. not you, but YOU. if i saw your face, i would fall to the ground and close my eyes until you weren't there. nothing different to when we were together. does everything compare to you? did i lose everything that i wanted? with a few words, with one night. it was so so long ago. too long ago to remember it correctly. but i still remember you were sunlit. and now i cant let anyone close enough.

curious if i cross your mind? we just started to get to know each other and i already feel like im trying too hard. you wanted me and then i felt it too. but now we haven't talked in a while and im afraid to write you first. maybe if we both ignore it, it never happened. if i brought it up, it never came up. if you say it first, it wasn't a waste of time. but only if you say it first.

say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name say my name

please

waited all day for a hard drive that didn't show.
took a moment to think about the fact that I'm not making any money.
feeling okay because i'm scared to write otherwise.
my computer screen is hurting my eyes.

but what if i can?
do this.
people have faith in me and i can't,
blow this.

never an option and that makes me excited.
i just have to figure things out with me.
maybe i have things down on one side
but the other side is a mirror that reflects something i dont like.  

after this i think i might need to get
balanced.

waking me up in the middle of the night
so i dont forget that you're there
but i roll over to my side
and ignore you

no one knows you
and im better off alone

seems like days get more spaced out or im falling in and out of consciousness and can only remember that the seconds change every hour and the minutes last a month. its been a few years, and judging by my timeline it feels like almost a decade. sometimes i still feel like it might of worked. sometimes i don't remember your name. sometimes i feel it all. it feels so distant its almost feels invalid. how dare the thought even cross my mind. whenever i hear it knocking on my window i slam it shut and the humidity makes me sweat out the sickness. i cant seem to move my arms, my legs, my hands, my head into a new space, into a new person. i can't even ******* sit up.

I WISH I COULD BE GOOD FOR YOU BUT IM NOT
AND I SIT BEHIND THIS SCREEN WAITING FOR YOU TO CATCH ME
BUT YOU WONT

I WANTED TO BE QUIET SO BAD BUT I ENDED UP BEING TOO LOUD
AND MAKING A MESS WITH THESE HANDS
PAINT ON ALL THE WALLS
DREW ON EVERY MOTION OF YOU

IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE THIS SERIOUS
IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE LIKE