If the highs have me soaring, but the lows feel like a nose dive into rock, is it even worth it?

To the boy I fell in love with,

When I came up with the idea to write you this I didn't realize how hard it could be to begin, as I have so many thoughts and as we both know I'm not very organized in my thinking.

I guess I should probably start with the obvious, I miss you. If I didn't I wouldn't keep writing about you like this. I miss stupid little things, like goofy overtired conversations and the way sitting too close made my arms itch if I was wearing short sleeves. I even miss the things I often hated like League of Legends, and you screaming at your friend when I was trying to sleep, and the way your room was always too warm to actually be comfortable.

I guess the second thing would probably be that I'm sorry... For everything. I'm sorry I hurt you and that I never realized how hard it was on you to constantly have to worry about me. I'm sorry I never left my comfort zone enough to keep you interested, and most importantly I'm sorry I was never able to find a way to convince you not to go.

And the third would be thank you. You showed me what it is like to feel love and loss and everything in between. You made me finally feel happy enough to want to live my life to the fullest. You showed me parts of myself I didn't even know existed. You changed my life for the better and even though you are gone and moving on from me, I will always be grateful that we crossed paths.

To my first love,

I hope that you are doing okay. I know you've had some ups and downs in the past few months, and please remember that I am just a phone call away and always will be. I know its really hard for you to ask for help, but if you ever just want someone to sit with you in silence, or take out as a distraction or anything else please don't hesitate to call on me because I won't hesitate to come.  

I also hope you are eating, watching you shrink before my eyes kind of says otherwise, but still I hope you are staying healthy(ish).

Equally importantly, I hope you are happy, and I mean truly happy in your life. I hope you fall in love with someone who deserves the love you are capable of giving, love that not even I was worthy of receiving.

To the boy my family also ended up falling in love with,

My mom still asks about you. She still tells me "I always liked that boy, and I know you don't go backwards but he may be worthy of an exception to the rule." That is pretty much her way of telling me she misses you.

To the boy I thought I could replace,

I couldn't.

To the boy I wish I could move past,

I can't.

To the boy who has moved past me,

I'm happy for you, I wish you the best, and I'm glad we are at the very least friends still.

So, to the boy I fell in love with,

Know that despite my best efforts I never fell back out of love with you, and am starting to doubt that I ever truly will.

Of the last 24 months I've known you these past 9 have been the longest and hardest of them all

In elementary school
we had
cubbies

We were small children then.

Now we put stuff
in our
cupboards

We pronounce that as cubberds

Now think of how many times
you have added  "ies" to a word
when speaking to a small child

Do you have your sockies?

Where did you put you stuffies?

...

Put your backpack in your *cubbies

Trying to forget
someone you loved
is like remembering someone you never met.

Losing you was like losing a part of me I will never get back.

It felt like someone had died and taken me with them, but instead of eternal sleep I was constantly awake. After I lost you I went days with out sleeping, I lost count after a while of how many hours I spent wishing you would come back to me.

Seeing you in the hallway, in class, in my dreams was like seeing a ghost haunting me day and night.

Watching as you slowly drifted further and further out to sea made me feel like I was the one drowning.

Hearing your name made my heart pound, no longer with excitement, but with longing. My heartstrings no longer played a peaceful melody but a poor arrangement of dissonant notes played on a broken harp.

Telling myself I didn't love you anymore burned like the cheap ***** I tried to erase you with.

I tried so hard to forget or replace you. I found someone who told me all the things you used to say, but it wasn't the same.

I still think I see your ghost sometimes, laughing with our friends or playing your guitar, and each time my heart skips a beat thinking maybe you've come back but I know that isn't how this works, and I know your ghost is really just the smoke of a bridge I never meant to burn.