I haven't left my house or showered or been outside or opened my blinds in a week and a half. I feel like a limp noodle, I have no motivation to do anything. I haven't been to work and I have canceled counseling twice. I feel ill if my mother tries to make me eat more than once a day. I wonder if anyone notices what's happening to me. I wonder if anyone knows the pain gnawing at my heart and causing this lump in my throat. I wonder if they care.

Every little thing is hurting me. The way that others think of me, the way they speak of me, the way they ignore me, the way they treat me. Everything is just there in my head, swirling around over and over. How needy I am, how annoying I am, how I can't control my drinking, how over-emotional and dramatic I am.

I wonder if anyone knows why the things that they say and think and feel about me effect me so much. Because it's me that they don't like. It's me that they're insulting. You can ask me to change and I can act different, but it's still me. I deal with it every day. I feel every emotion to the very bottom of me. There's no reaction that I act out that doesn't express exactly how I am feeling. My emotions run deep to the core of me. If they say that I am too much, I simply am. That is me, exactly. I can't bare myself at times; Imagine being me every day.

So why not just love me and accept me for being so entirely honest and so real. I'm something hard to fathom, I understand, but all I am is all I ever were and all that I can be. I have masked myself for everyone "I'm fine. I'm always fine." Don't let me deceive you, it's my favorite line. Inside I am crying, inside I am dying and on the outside I'm lying. Understand this; My tears are all dried up and I have ****** back into myself to please you. I am trying so hard to provide the silence that you have requested; so don't ask me why I've disappeared. Don't ask me why I am wasting my life away in a 'cave'. Don't ask me why I won't come out. Don't ask me why I won't speak or smile or cry or yell. Don't ask me why I am lacking emotion. Notice, but don't ask.

I will tell you once again. There is nothing that I feel that does not entirely devour me. Nothing that I feel that doesn't consume my every thought and every second of my existence. You told me to be silent. You asked me to stop feeling the way that I do. So I have emptied myself, to the bottom of me, just to please all of you.

k.d.

The problem does not lie within the fact that I do bad things. The issue is that nobody wants to be bad alone. If nobody is willing to be bad with you, it is no longer fun. It becomes sad, you become self loathing and empty. You realize the pain that you have the potential to cause and you understand that you are only hurting yourself. You bottle it up and store it in the back of your head forever, but every time you look at the person - or even yourself - the thought lingers… ‘they didn't want to be bad with you, you have corrupted them’. You feel pathetic and you slip back into your old depression. You are numb again. You waste your life sleeping until they send you away. Always hospitalized and treated, sent back into the world. Nothing has changed. You are still full of corruption and mistakes, still just as empty and neglected. You are damaged for the world to see. And you continue this pattern until you rot in the ground, leaving just as you came. Imperfect and alone. Meaningless and molded by Man.
*kd

How silly of me
to think that I'd see
a day of happy.

I don't know love
because there's no love
that's sent from above
just for me.

Does he see me?
Does he hear me?
No, that can't be.
For there's no we.

No one's grabbed me.
No one has me.
Forever to them
I belong.

But no one's listening,
so when I'm missing,
just know I'm wrapped
in no one's arms.

**k.d.