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666 · Aug 2010
No More Sun
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
Why, oh why, are my eyes so dry?
As the nights go by I die inside, again and again
The world moves and the shadows fall
The clocks tick and the sun recalls
A face, a trace of a place I once held close
A place drowning in bottles, shooting up dope

Every second that you're not here is cold
The lack of sweat and essence of wet takes hold
Of my mind, my rhymes, dreams them wrong
Takes them all and makes a slow, blue song
The show is over, the court is perpetually adjourned
Until Saturday, when the struggle ends and your eyes are earned

I fall victim to my own sullen depression
The digestion of this endless transgression
Is drowned out simply by the power of suggestion
Serenading bats with the world's sonar aggression
And I have a say, a confession if you will
When you're not around, babe, my heart sits still.
665 · Jan 2013
Absolute.
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2013
Since we've been a thing working
In a field left lying
Under a sun we have yet to see
In the fog of the symmetry
I have known nothing of me
And you have seen nowhere of you
So why do we play?
When do we do?

Let's just remain
In a permanent state
Let's just complain
We'll just procrastinate
Each other.

Each other
We leave it in a memory
So let it be sweeter than us
Let it replace.

I have been in a restless place
Where I wished to be alone and free
But you came to me and you helped me see
That I was just too young to
Hate the world around

I wish to be with them
The world that screams
For another enlightening
Outside of them.

Let me see your face in sand
Default
Go to the ocean and
Drink in

This is just another phase
That I leave in place of my own truth
But I know that my soul will live past this dream
This is nothing but a blink in the true scale

Though you and I will fade
I don't need to be sad
Because we will meet
In the one large soul
That is God and energy.
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2010
Left behind
I don't care about you
I'll look at who I want to look at.

They're cute.
He/she/we are so ****** ****.
We are evil.
They are us.

Just stay home and do your work
Clean the dishes and take a hit
She's melting you.
She's torn you.

Herein lies proof that you're no longer on her agenda
*******.
You're not handsome.
You're shaggy. You're not exciting.
You're kind of an *******.

When someone looks at you they won't think,
"Wow, he has got something no one else has."
Unless of course you hold a guitar.
Or a microphone.
Or a *** of cash.

All they will think is
"Who the hell does he think he is?"

I don't, anymore, my love.
I don't.
652 · Oct 2013
nightmare made of you
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2013
Mostly kissing
Slam against walls
I try calling you so many times and you hang up
Then you're in my house
On my bed
I haven't seen you in years but you're real
So vivid, right here. I remember your face so well
I miss you.
I miss us.
It's true.

But I want you to be happy
Because I keep confirming to myself
That I just won't stop loving you

I hope one day I can be your anchor again.
640 · Apr 2015
Carter, Lynn
Ryan Bowdish Apr 2015
The night is the first thing I believed in. My life was surrounded by the desire for darkness, but it wasn't wrong. There was comfort in the simplicity of the stars, the glow of the crescent moon. There was something beautiful about the droning of the crickets keeping me tethered between dreams and the sheets.

There was a love in it, something that i lusted during the day. The still confines of a room, a buzzing light, a desk welded to a chair. I didn't appreciate the sick irony of florescent lights.

Cue the newest deliverance from something we dont understand. You branched into my life like the limbs of the sun, in a dark room, and surprisingly i wasn't upset by it. There was something inside the music you gave me that told me our lives were intertwined. I can't remember the first thing i said to you but i knew i didn't want it to be the last time.

When i wanted to rule the world i thought I'd be happiest if people would just leave me alone, and meeting you taught me that i wasn't ready for a life of loneliness. I think I'll save that for when I'm ninety.

I like to be a person of metaphor and extravagance. But there are occasions when I just don't have the capacity to be clever. You make me too honest. It's good, i rarely see this side of me.

You became the moon to me when we spoke together late nights some months ago. My stars became your words. My life has been stranger than fiction, because you ended up being my antagonist. Challenging me, reminding me who i am and why i exist on this earth.

You were a sonic boom in a cloud of feathers, a banshee in the middle of the bayou, a war horn from a still swamp. I couldn't ignore you. I never could. You always looked and sounded so good.

Even when i didn't earn you personally, I remember only wishing you by me. I remember because our names were the same, and it sounded so nice to hear or names spoken side by side, and so unnerving. Year after year i wished you were alone, I wished you needed me. I was a *******.

And yet there you were, like frozen sound waves during a winter sunlit morning, how your breath forms icicles on the roof. I saw you in a room full of rainbow music and yet you danced to a tune all your own. You knew exactly what i needed to see, what i was dying to hear. The way you laid down rules on me like i was going to be used, and i was happy.

The past is beautiful because we were such fun dumb little kids. This passion never needed to be so hidden. I love how you once told me never to say 'love' because now i can't go a single day without mashing into your head the sheer fact that i love you.

I'm afraid i may end up making some huge mistakes but i will do everything in my power as a human being to stay with you, to love you and be everything you need during the nights when you lack the shine of a crescent moon.

Goodnight, darling.
635 · Dec 2012
Sleep Rapture
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2012
The void erupts
We grip the lawn for dear life
So I squeeze the glass in my hand
To let the blades of grass inside.

The stars are falling!
Trees are uplifted into the widening sky.
Car alarms shriek a eulogy
For the fear ****** from our eyes.

Venus is gone!
Tie our broken arms together
I bite my lips in half
So my taste will last forever.

The stars are slowing!
Streetlights bleed slowly in the night:
Like traffic on the freeway,
The photons no longer move at the speed of light

So the line starts here (buildings uproot)
Your nails are in my veins (there's no wind)
Outrun the singularity (if you dare)
If you please, if you care.
Let this be all I know (Glowing)
Ion storms collide (It's colder somehow)
The sun slips far away (Where I'll be)
Moments becoming infinities

The clock stops!
This is our infinite second.
I just want to move to see you
But you were out of sight

When terror became night.
Nightmare: Black hole opens. Woke up terrified. The last second of the dream lasted for an hour, and I was a slave to my constant approach to the speed of light.
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
Our God has forgotten our world
But we would rather float alone
We would rather own this home

No renting from judgment
Hypocritical clockwork
Every six minutes
Another empty phrase

This isn't just a warning
About the empty globe
This is a promise

Truly an apocalyptic nostalgia
Nebulae will fill the skies
The clouds will dissolve into green madness
It will be the most beautiful night of our lives

Souls have vacated all mankind
Only a few remain in right mind
We're the last to drift alive
But it won't matter by the end of night

The final hour is upon us

It's 3 in the afternoon

Trees all bearing fruit laughing
Gassing animals with broken hulks
Rusted on the roadside

The grass goes on and splits the mountains
The temperature begins to build
My hand and your hand
My glass and your sand

A broken mirror in the rocks
A final breath before it stops
629 · Dec 2010
57:55
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2010
You threw my ashes into the walls
Prolonged my life by a few minutes
You genuinely care about me
My singsong introductions
My performances, my body
My aging.

You really care, you really invest, you truly impress.
So why can't this grow?  Relapse?
Come hither.
I trust you to use me responsibly, dear.
628 · Jan 2013
Shall
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2013
Last call
Last chance
No Guiness
No Pabst

Let's take a walk down Ballard
The barlights glisten within you
Your cheeks glow in streetlights

I knew you'd love this.
625 · Oct 2010
...And Thus Spoke The Core
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2010
if i push this branch
the earth
tips
up.

tie me to the trees.
remember me?
your
banner.

when i spin this disc
the room
breaks
up.

drop me to my knees
dismember me
loud
hammers.

a virus on the land
a mansion made of sand
wrap me up in hands
of fire.
she'll never understand
or meet your high demands,
rather hire a band and
conspire.

if i flip this piece back
the crust
opens
blue.

you see the undertow
introduce the
wheels
to spinning

if only i could reach that
your trust
bleeding
through.

what kind of silence glows?
who told the atoms
to start
splitting?

the nebula commands
put forth the final plans
abandoned firework stands
are hoarding.
my vision blurs and bends
our eyelids now descend
has everything you've said
been distorting?
624 · Jan 2011
"Yes."
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2011
I'm floating through clouds of color
Skies of creamy tan skin.
I have...
A backbone to direct,
Gaps between ribs in which to lay my fingers,
A stomach to caress,
To lay on a chest,
A beautiful mind in which to rest.

Your eyes are so wide open, it's almost frightening.
The contorted, twisted confusion in your cheeks,
I want to wipe this all away.

Come here. Hold me.
I am your anchor. You don't need me
But I am here for you.

This is a very simple poem,
But the point is,
I love you.
copyright Ryan Bowdish 2011
622 · Sep 2010
A Woman
Ryan Bowdish Sep 2010
One with eyes that burn me every time I move
A scowl which damns me the viral infection
Yet you hold her tightly
And it kills me.

I never could reach any amount of perfection that had been set as a goal for me. Never could keep anyone like you around. Never understood what she wants me dead for. Now you and her walk hand in hand.
After I spent so many euphoric nights with you
And so many restless nights now without...

She wants to hang me from telephone wires
She wants to impale me on trees
She wants my face stretched and contorted
To fit your needs! She will feed you!
She will have everything you want!
What will I have?

No heart, no smile, no happiness.
Just bitter, broken-hearted hatred
For her. Deserving you when I never can.
For her being able to be close to you.
For her being able to hold you.
For her being ALLOWED to love you.
Hatred for your acceptance of that
Hatred for the fact that you finally found
Someone as beautiful (if not more) as you.

You probably don't understand
How you can hurt me this much.
I don't know how to explain it.

Just, I miss you, I love you, I wish you the best of luck...

But sometimes I kind of want to hurt you.

Oh, yes, and just to be quite clear:


She doesn't deserve you.
614 · Mar 2014
May
Ryan Bowdish Mar 2014
May
There are pieces of me left behind on your floor
Where my heart still has eyes like a fly on the wall (or flowers)
Mesmerize me with the hair you're always hiding
Under product, colors, straight lines. Nature beats all.
The grace of a new being to enjoy wholly is like ice water in veins
A chilling, dark realization that I can never forget your name.
You've slammed into me like you were playing with planes
And yet the distance between us never seems to change.

To float in the deep end, frozen like the taste of salt
To glide across your tongue and change the symphony of sound
And heartache within you, to be swallowed by you
To rip to pieces the travesties inside you, would have me new.
Somehow I knew when our eyes first met, there was death
Of whoever I used to emulate, so for a time I was breathless
Chest heaving in exasperation to try and find the courage
To explain to you that the world can be easy if you let it.

This beach I lay before you can be glass or coals or clouds
It only matters how you step.
Don't think of fear, let it be known that I
Will always be a part of you.
Someone once told me there are millions in the world
With whom love can be shared.

Well I found one.

I stitch together broken promises and shattered stained glass
Melting the flavors into the conflagration of your laugh
And the oceans do scream your name during ***
And the clouds do cast themselves into darkness
So you can shine at the moon.

A whole galaxy stops for you. You are
Doves with undernurtured wings, aerosol paint spraying
Blue ribbons surrounding my headstone
You are right beside me in dreams, always I am itching to be closer
Subtly marking my inches and counting backwards from a billion
Hoping I hit zero with enough time left in my life
To see you on a rocking chair on my front porch
With a ring on your finger.

Sometimes, I feel like I could smile over at you when we're seventy.
And I could say "Hey you're coffee's getting cold."
And you would say "Fine, you can drink it."
And I gladly would get you more.

While meanwhile you shimmered in sunlight like the master of all rainbows
The queen of black rock, with dragon's blood, and eagle's cries
And I would walk inside and stare back out and hand you
All the pieces left of me from your garage floor,
Along with mended promises and unstained glass.
610 · Oct 2010
KOLBY
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2010
Lightshow battle for capsules of fame
DJ buckshot bass heavy blast beats
You are evil; do you now realize it?
When you come here, you are pacified.

No voices, no words, no useless games.
A constant pounding in your head
The frequencies rising and dropping
Speeding up and slowing down
Record hopping
Sample stopping
Echoes from squealing vocal boxes
A drink for the woman behind the mask.

Flash that peace sign. Smile gaps.
It's beautiful.
Tragedy, in essence.
Huge eyes glinting brightly
Raving spirals encasing them
A look of constant fear, or dread, or excitement
Or maybe it's all three.

This is the love of my life.
I feel like I can finally admit that to the world.
You are the love of my life.
She's better than that.
Numb brain.
Bunk in for years.
Never wake up.
But never really sleep.

Every night the bracelets glisten
Take it all off before you go.

Now pick what's truly important:
Your mind or your body.
You'll feel better with sleep.
But if you ride it out, your mind will thank you.

Blue hair.
Shine on.
607 · Nov 2010
Fifi's Anthem
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2010
Tonight my sheets are so cold
And my body is like ice
And angel, truth be told
To sleep with you'd be nice.
594 · Aug 2010
You Confuse Me.
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
Red, raw, raging regret
As far away as you can get
You make me want to hurt myself
To collapse into a shallow shelf
Shame is eating my head away
Pain is bleeding and here to stay
How can you say everything is okay?
That I am not killing you every day?

We need to talk. We need to walk.
We need to finalize what we feel.
We need to get all these feelings out
To remove our hands from our swollen mouths
This is all a nightmare.
My stomach churns and you don't care.
You said yourself you're numb to me.
Please, oh please, don't let that be.

I am so, so, so, so, so, so sorry
My aching eyes are closing hardly
There must be something left in you
For you keep writing about me.

Don't think I can't see it, it's so true.

Why won't you let me be in love with you?

Please, let's talk. Please.
See me soon.
594 · Aug 2013
blurb
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2013
Serrate your eyes with a saw tooth wave
Beads of sweat do not a woman make
Tie me to the swirling clouds
Watch it rain my pieces down

I'd love to see you in a beehive
Dying to breathe in a new light
The sky's the limit and I've got a minute
To drain myself into the infinite
583 · Jan 2011
Weyed Awake
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2011
Grinding teeth.
Wide eyes.
Quick speech.
The will to die.

Breathing walls
Diluted with luck.
I need sleep
Before I get stuck
This way.

Travel in circles all over squares
Bodies, water vapor
Some grind themselves
Some grind you.
***** looks?
Simply rolling?

Get in bed.
Close your eyes.
You need to lay down.
Just relax, now.
I can feel my heart
Breaking my ribs
Every beat.

Sleep!
Sleep!
Sleep!
Sleep!
Shower's buzzing!
Water drops are
Droid voice.

Sleep!
Sleep!
Sleep!
Sleep!
SLEEP!
574 · Aug 2010
I Will.
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
I know I've never had a heart 'til now

I know you never had so much shine in your eyes

I know you never intended to love me

But you will.



I know I've made so many mistakes

I know I caused all the tears you did spill

I know I've never been a good man

But I will.



Your eyes are the flames that push me along

Your love is the temple in which we belong

And I know we've never ruled this land

But we will, oh babe, we will.



I know my love isn't exactly a shrine

I know at one point you didn't care for my time

I know you never wanted to be mine

But you will.



I know my word isn't exactly foolproof

I know all my life I've avoided the truth

And I know I've never wanted to give it all up

But I will.



Your eyes are the flames that push me along

Your love is the temple in which we belong

And I know we've never ruled this land

But we will, oh babe, we will.



I know I'm a *******, a bleeding heart squirm

I know I'm a punk and I'll never learn

I know your love, I have not earned

But I will.
570 · Dec 2014
Rainbow
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2014
The lore recycles and continues
All things end
And many begin again
This is why tradition fades like sin
And centuries lose themselves within
Moments of unforgivable issues
And we assume ourselves with misuse
And limit ourselves with disbelief
And consume ourselves in fisheye lenses
Like we knew ourselves to be prey to predators
And lure ourselves into traps of pleasure
And confuse ourselves through various measures
We dilute our blood with foreign entries
And we speak til we're blue in face and ******
And rue our own birth and death cuz
We blew ourselves into this mess
We drew ourselves this reckless verse
And ***** ourselves on every turn
But there is a light beyond the stars we think we know
There is a distant life we knew upon infringing our own birth stone
And anguish may be what we think is answers wrapped in shrouded homes
But the truth is that our treasures live beyond time and distance and dismemberment
And though the angel cries that she's asleep, she's too awake to compensate
She's so alive her blood boils thin and she thinks she might die this very day.
568 · Jan 2011
Resistance
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2011
Never seen anything so
Clear, warm.
Couldn't see into suns so
Where is the truth?

I laugh.
And a revelation occurs.
Wishing to touch and be
There. Just to
Open my mouth
For you.

I wouldn't say anything.
But still you'd hear
My absolute cacophony of melancholy
Discographies from epiphanies
In quicker leaps from here to thee
This twisted psychology
Life getting in the way.

There are always more days.
But these last hours have been so stuck.
And I can not move.
I have broken myself today
And I should be with you, so you
Could outshine me.

And we could just shine.
Dedicated to Camille Frick and Orion Schwalm.
566 · Aug 2010
Violince
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
I left my mind on too long and now the image is burned onto my eyes
A bow driving by, pushing the universe out of its way, across the strings
The violin breathes and weeps in its sweet silent worship
It's all I see in my hands and my scars.

The beauty of the rain gently rides across the window, strutting smoothly
And everything blurs itself across a silver screen, speckled with red
And gold, etched with liquid-carved gray, as the lights hover and stare
The sun shows behind the fire, red like Japan.

Salt falls down my face, leaving a scar in itself down my bones
And the blood in my teeth just add to the chorus in the mirror
The splash on the floor below me, catastrophe, exploding in a cymbal crash
And the colors flood through my soul.

I have tried so hard not to think of the euphoria of being with you
Tried not to think of every drug we did to make things more beautiful
But I realize the delusion of smeared frost is the alcohol, and the tears...
They are the pills, they are the numb.

A silence in her voice, almost a whisper, echoing inside my spine
A bit of hair torn from my unresponsive scalp, reassuring the loss of my sanity
I've found true euphoria, true sanctuary from pain, and the coldness of life
It's all here in the fibers of this bow.
560 · Aug 2010
Portrait of an American Boy
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
I want to be a silhouetted against a white light on a podium 17 feet above the ground
I want to walk down 12 blood red steps onto a floor jutting out towards millions of hands
I want to be touched by all of them.

I want to say 3 glorious words and hear screams of anticipation in euphoric response
I want to pick up a brand new guitar and a steel microphone, and to feel the lyrics inside
I want to scream all of them.

I want to look down in every direction my head can turn and see faces looking back at me
I want to shout the devil's music and the mantras of a million hateful heartbeats to them
I want to see them shout it all right back at me.

I want to make a single move and be the point of all fixation no matter where I am
I want to glide across the stage and move with the sounds of the thumping crowd
I want to hear them call my name over and over.

The pulses of a million clashing steps will serve as my drums
The screams of a million hoarse voices will serve as my guitar
The explosions in the sky will serve as my technotix, my bass
The ranting of a madman will serve as my lyrics, my voice

The downfall of the nation will be my gain.

I want to be a big ******* rock star.
559 · Dec 2010
Cables
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2010
Your eyes dance like the last 3 men on stage at the end of a tragic play
Your legs grow from the earth and never falter like evergreen trees on a foggy day
we'd gallop down these empty cobblestone streets until we entered the veins
And on and on our twisted wires will conspire until we meet in the rain.

Darling, are you famous?
Is it for you I play this?
Why is it so hard to say it?
I want to loosen your teeth and your locked lips

Smile for me, the radiation in your mouth blinds the hateful fool inside me.
Laugh for me, I'll create a nation to bind you to the coils of my arteries
Hold me, your arms are oh, so cold, and they never relax my neck long enough
Open your mouth and leave your cries out to dry out and rot away in the sun snuffed

You're the one I bowed to, you gave me such a start
"Is it really her name that's been stuck inside my heart?"
And had I known that I really had a choice
My undying desire for you, long ago, I would have voiced
When you stroll by, all I can see are the music waves in your eyes
And sometimes, not knowing your name made me want to cry
So tonight, it will be known that I hate being on my own
And if I am lucky, maybe neither of us will have to stay alone.
554 · Aug 2010
Rose's Indian Temple Ocean
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
I remember when we would lie around all alone
Laughing about nothing at all.
Digging our faces into each others' collar bones
Now that's only leaves in the fall.

How I wish that I could see inside your talk bubbles
How I wish that we could rewrite them.
Tonight was beautiful, but it eventually became rubble
I hope you never fully get over him.

Rose, you juxtaposed me, I suppose we were in love once, though it had to end.
Grow, let us slowly, become wholly, and nothing less than the best of friends.

The world I used to know was enough to make me suicidal
But you have opened my eyes
I want to make a recording of your lovely voice on vinyl
Telling me the beauty outside.

You were an ocean and I was letting myself drown
Without breath, I know I'd find you.
To end it all and become part of your underground
So I would always live inside you.

Rose, you juxtaposed me, I suppose we were in love once, though it had to end.
Grow, let us slowly, become wholly, and nothing less than the best of friends.
551 · Nov 2010
Dear, E.
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2010
These buildings have fallen.
This earth is rotten.
Dust devils are really it,
Just a long, deserted highway...
Tumbling.

I miss everything we did, the way we held hands
And clasped legs
And lie there as if we had been married for years
(when I had known you for weeks)
Covered by our safe and stable concrete
Between deep breaths.
Biding our time before we go back out onto the grass
The only grass in the entire world.

We will make fireworks and nuclear explosions
For generations to come
No one will remember our faces after this.
It's perfect.

How I wish you and I could simply fall in love.
Could be pure, could be simple again.
Could love the skin, the subtlety,  the grace
Between stepping closer and closer
Trying to delay the touch, delay the kiss.
Then the dance, where our bodies become one.
Let these god forsaken people never, ever know
That these bombs fell for us.
Take these pleasures to the grave.
Curse the day the people know we set off these fireworks.

But if you ever need a lover, and if you are still
Out There...
in this Wasteland...
These searchlights in the sky are for you.
Love, R.
For a beautiful woman.
537 · Jan 2013
Lita
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2013
I'm awake and tired and it's 7am and I'm doing 25.
I try to sleep but it's no use since I've been thinking about you.
The rain outside is falling slower than the motion of my car.
And I can proudly say out loud that I've been waiting for you to come.

I know it's a bit too early to tell, but I think I may want you here.
The future's dark and storms are rolling in, so now I need you close.
I want to see you with nothing in the way, not even distance.
I want to see you walk into my room wearing nothing but my clothes.

When it's late, when it rains, when it snows, when it's cold
I want to pull you into me.
When you wake, when you dress, when you cry, when you stress
Well, I will pull you into me.
You surely are not looking
For something old again.
You surely are not thinking
About being alone again.

My window's frosted over and I can not seem to find my way back home.
Maybe if I had some direction, something to pull me there.
If you were waiting for me when I finished working, I would sing
And draw a bath for the two of us to share, the two of us to share.

I don't mean to make you feel obligated to be in my life.
You'd make me proud if I could see you succeed within my own walls.
I could find a place where we wouldn't be surrounded by the wastes.
And if you ever felt the need, I'd be behind you and I'd let you fall.

When it's late, when it rains, when it snows, when it's cold
I want to pull you into me.
When you wake, when you dress, when you cry, when you stress
Well, I will pull you into me.
You surely are not looking
For something old again.
You surely are not thinking
About being alone again.

It's too cold to wake up
Let's stay under covers.
It's far too cold to get up
So let's stay under the covers.
For Lita.
534 · Nov 2010
Vegas
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2010
There's lead in my teeth.
When I smiled, the bounty on my head
It increased.
My twisted snarl is a symptom of disease
Soon I'll be
Deceased.

Leave me no option,
Save, to buckle
Under this leaf.

A man with antennae.
I can taste the tension
In the air. I love this part...
We release.
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2012
Snow makes holes in her house.
"Let me out, now."
The longest arms that reach out
Are not tree branches.
There's too much fog on the ground,
She's lost here.
No books, no cameras.

Black bags and tree branches
There's red everywhere.
The grass is grabbing me.

She can't believe it's so tall...
Well, come on and see.
Don't just stand there, do something!
Flee, don't scream.
Forget everything that you've seen.
Don't try and save me.
No one ever believes me.

I'm not who I once was!
There's red everywhere.
I can't stop these headaches,
Why are you following me?

Just leave it alone, whatever it is!
Stay away from that place, that's all I can say.
If I see you again, I'll **** you right then.
You broke into my house again.
I keep feeling like I can't see,
Like I never want to feel the sun.
Like I can just curl up and die now,
Because I know he'll hold me down.
Let me ride the carousel!
Take off your suit and tie!
I'm choking on static and sleep
Reassured by his lies.
He's got me down on my knees!
I can't see I can't breathe!
The bees are in my bloodstream!
He has no face to be seen!

I'm not who I once was!
There's red everywhere!
I can't stop these headaches!
His faceless head gapes at me.
creepy pasta :)
524 · Mar 2015
MacArthur
Ryan Bowdish Mar 2015
I have aspired to become someone better over the years.

I used to think depression was beauty and the lowest I could sink would be the best place to start.

My last real effort to get this close to anyone ended in broken memories and a restraining order but I may finally be ready to open back up.

Because you came along like a broken bell composed of the cacophonous melody of the frequency it sang in the forgotten years and exploded into the scene with your first fresh notes in centuries.

Our collision was like a car crash that killed off the worst parts of me.

And I know this is just poetry,
but honey, I think there may be more to this whole game than I planned.

You know how they say you always meet someone when you are trying not to? I had no intention of breaking my ribs open and forcing the world to see whats underneath again. But I have a feeling...

I have a feeling you will see what's inside and you will form the new bones beneath the confines of the veins that pump hope into me.

That's where you'll sleep.

I would say I love you, but I don't think those words really fit. It's more like you are the part of me I lost when I was a child. The part that is supposed to remind me that I'm worth something.
517 · Oct 2010
FORCE-OUT
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2010
I hate your eyes.
They're so big. They stare.
They mock me so.
They laugh.

You're so scared of being a good person.
It's so much easier for you to manipulate
Why feel when they give so freely?

Because they want your body. Your perfect curves.
That smile, those perfect crescent moons just below
The beautiful frequency notated collar bone
Etched and perfectly carved below your neck
Proportionally exact to the beauty we envision
During fantasies and action flicks and tabloids
Your face, the face of a star
A star-******.

Force you out. You are no longer what I desire.
Hilariously enough, I am no longer saying it for you
It's for me. It always was, in a way. But now...
There can only be one.

This town isn't big enough for the two of us.
So hurry up and do what you swore to do
For so long.

Run. Leave.
Go.
We're forcing you out.

Command.
516 · Sep 2010
Orinda
Ryan Bowdish Sep 2010
Tears run soft down our cheeks
Your scent's in the ocean breeze
Loneliness and cracked CD's
O Solo Mio, hold me please

It's all okay now. Lay your head on me.
Gaze into my eyes. What are you thinking?

Lose my sight. On my knees
In the rain at night. Rescue me.
Light me on fire, put your arms around me
Sometimes I'm so tired. Please save me.
And don't forget me when you rise.
I'm sorry it's so late, but I must write
My eyes sting, burning red;
All alone freezing in my bed tonight.

It's all okay now. Rest your head on me.
Gaze into my eyes. What are you thinking?
Ryan Bowdish Jul 2013
I have felt pain.
Therefore I can assume to know everything about anyone's situations.
I am alone.
I don't recognize cliches.

A good poem is a statement that no one had heard but everyone has felt. Not the other way around.
504 · Dec 2010
Post-Script: E
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2010
I think, if we continue to go on like this
There will be a moment when we realize
That we must end it.

The new beginning can be golden, but you're scared
The abuse is shining through you
Your eyes are blackening like pigment ensnared
Like underneath, the shadows glow through

Please say it again, please say it again.
Every time you do I just can't help but crumble and melt
And yes, darling, it is true.
Just like an ocean blue, the curtains make me wet for you
The morning fog is peeking through
Like a [seven-ten AM] full moon.

We can't keep meeting like this.
I hope you see these words
Because I want to throw them in your face.

You are my one true wish. A desire I could never endure.
A person I could never approach to be sure
Yet when you're near, it feels so pure
To look in your eyes and wash the cure
Out of my bloodstream, with your venomous teeth
Attacking my chest like boysenberry leaves.
The subtlety of clumsiness becoming its own grace
Everything pinned down with your breath next to my face.

You know who you are. You woke me up.
With your hands on my shoulders.
Our arms locked.
Legs interlaced like a progressive scan.
Nails digging into the palms of my hand

The kiss that I see in your eyes, tongues tied like phantasmagoria
Get on my back once more; Your hands are food to my euphoria.
491 · Mar 2013
Declining Review
Ryan Bowdish Mar 2013
Our world has changed quickly
We used to write each other letters.
Now we just like stuff.
478 · Nov 2012
Rewrite
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2012
Forgiveness is divine.
We certainly are not.

They find it so hard to do right.
Prove it, you.

You.

No, you.

I have nothing but remorse for this
Rather be dead.
Leave me alone.
But tell me first.
450 · Jan 2011
Like Eyes Don't Just Feel
Ryan Bowdish Jan 2011
Our words are synchronizing up.
The shower is just the right temperature.
We are so close to simultaneous release.
Mornings are warmer.

Freezing legs.
Warming up your thighs.
My fingers are a hot bath.

Steam from the curtains
Dripping down the wall;
Wells.

The drain clogs from all the
Fear falling off us
From all the
Tears falling off; (Lust).

No more separation.
Resistance isn't.
Downward...

When I look in the mirror
Your hands are still on my chest
Your head on my shoulder.

These days, I feel older...
But like I have lived valiantly.

Like eyes don't just feel.
Like eyes don't love hands.
I laugh.
449 · Dec 2012
Untitled
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2012
Fingers blowing wind on keys,
I'm outside letting snow fall on me
Watching her with leather eyes and knees.
She's studying her periphery
And I can see that she's been waiting
For me to finish smoking.

Tearing the universe open
Her black skin and nails shaking me.
The chord sits gaping like coffins
In open casket last time seeing your
Identity embodied in somebody else who never misses beats.

The pool was closing up
And you were a stranger.
I never listened to my instincts
And that made us perfect.

The steam rises from the water til
Vision escapes me and it
Closes around her soft body.
She dives down and lets the
Chlorine leave her hidden
And my legs were gone again.

She peaks the momentum
Her dark hair and eyes both agree:
I need someone else around me,
Some sound to come down and let out
The lesser parts of all the things I could have been.


The pool was closing up
And you were a stranger.
I never listened to my instincts
And that made us perfect.
446 · Nov 2017
Butchery
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
Brutality been building up
Cutting through the marrow
Feels like pork, penny flavored
High tension cord, aroma savored
Laced with liquid hydrocodone
World fades to black as the cleaver falls
(As the cleaver falls)
As the cleaver falls!

Spoken like a true warrior, you scheme
Despise it, revised it like a million times, it
Hurts to think that if it were tangible
I would probably just **** it to death
Scared to let myself get a handle
On the last human feelings I have left

She was a no one, a ghost
Her family left her in her glory days
Tell me, would you even have known
If I chose to keep it hidden away?

White lines on roadsides
Up my ******* nose again
I could **** it twice
This feeling I feel in the end

Every **** time I feel the cleaver fall
It's the whole night over again
A twisted groundhog day forever
Been runnin' since the very first ******
It's been building up
The brutality
And I can finally feel the release
Of the fatality
I'm balancing
Between the oncoming
Traffic
They'll say it was tragic
But not for me
Because I wanted to ******* end it

A shallow grave beckoning
Her bones like excellency
The eel in the cold pit
Slippery like new cement
Slow descent
No incentive
To respect the dead
Feeling the bile rise
Letting it coat her insides
The smell like hospitals
After a travesty

If I could put it in to words
I would just **** it red
Or beat it until my knuckles bled
And I know that if I find some help
I would satisfy
The sickest parts of me
So who the **** is next?

Don't ask me for my number, kid.
Kiss your mama goodbye
433 · Aug 2010
GAZESMAZES
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
All I think when you look away
Is that one day,
You're going to make me want to stop.

My skin's warmth will not keep you happy.
You have it all taken care of.

And when you don't,
Words I've pulled out of my head
..For real, though...
They can't do anything for you.

Some day,
When the clouds are only white,
You'll crush me.

And as with the other August Decembers,
You won't empathize.
Ryan Bowdish Aug 2010
When the car pulled around the corner, I lay face down in the snow
Eating my burning tears, letting my fear grow.
The headlights stung my eyes and my hair was way too long
Dark in the freezing white, everything was wrong.

Hand in the back of my hair, you dragged me up to the curb,
Told me to open my mouth, and gave me what I deserved.
As all my memories sprayed all over the concrete
I thank my lucky stars that you haven't shot me!

It never stays in! After I finally swallowed it all!
It just comes right back up! We're so ******* small!
Justice will swallow everything!
And everyone!
If I have anything to say about it!

My head devoured all of my friends, but it's okay
I may never come back, but at least I'm never away.
My wrists will always be slit, figuratively
But in the end I will have no enemies.

It's so strange the way we can't just get past this
It seems there will always be tears in our last kiss
Everyone wants to go back to the way that it started
Before the swollen eyes and the truth, departed.

It never stays in! After I finally swallowed it all!
It just comes right back up! We're so ******* small!
Justice will swallow everything!
And everyone!
If I have anything to say about it!

Everyone wants to go back to the way that it started
Before the swollen eyes and the truth, departed!
404 · Dec 2010
Solitude is False
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2010
Frozen in shock
Frozen in sleep
Opening wounds
While I weep.

Lonely, left behind
They laugh and walk on by
And she's never quite as high
As she is when I try to die.
391 · Dec 2012
Life in the Slow Lane
Ryan Bowdish Dec 2012
Like a web was spun
Just for the purpose of this
Me feeling to death

Capturing a source
Waiting for the interview
Life rides on moments

Better time it right
Or else you can sleep outside
Thanks dad. Thanks a lot.
379 · Sep 2013
timeline
Ryan Bowdish Sep 2013
I have been one to eye a best friend
For reaching to the back of your neck
I did once want to **** a man
For looking at you dress
But I also wonder
Why did you let him watch?
I will no longer submit
To someone who treats me like this
348 · Nov 2021
Bother
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2021
It's clear
After all this time
That talking to you
Is
Never finished this, checked my drafts and found it. I love it as is.
339 · Nov 2017
Neighbor
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
My daughter won't sleep
Because racism makes her anxious
And you really showed your true colors
Time for me to stop being complacent
It's amazing that you think you got a case
Bet you one time told you to get your **** straight
Can't tell if you just shut up or got taken away
But it's good to know I didn't have to smash your face
C U Next Tuesday
267 · Nov 2017
Red
Ryan Bowdish Nov 2017
Red
I'm from the side of the tracks where you won't come back
Sometimes fade to white, sometimes to black
Secreting the pus of another failed lust
My intentions only bending on a whim or a ****
So break the glass over my face and watch me go hard
If I got no other outlet you better hope you'll go far
Because sickles and hammers aren't only symbolic
They can be used to intrude on your systems metabolic

Contortionists form a fist and slick the road for communists
A bottomless populace heavy handed and cacophonous
Desolate like postulates from existentialists, mop your ****
And follow it with sawed-off ****, shotguns for columnists
So open up these ******* veins, I got no reason to try and change
Scatter-brained, like blood insane in dark fantasies untamed
Unchained and ******* and horse-laced with your taste
My way is the highway so don't **** with my **** deranged

I'm sick like
***, it's exciting
To know you're dying
From the first breath
You're primed for death
And there's nothing left
Like 21 grams
And ***** sexts
It's a blank slate
And my blood's paint
For the walls of
The Satanic Saints
To **** my brain
And **** myself
Because it's easier
Than killing everyone else

No ******* effort, no giving a ****
Surely I am broken like a Muslim's ****
So you're right to be scared
Sure you're checking my history
To make sure that no one
Is trying to **** me
I'm ugly, my soul is black
And I'm happily taking nothing back

I told you I needed an outlet
But don't assume I'm finished yet
I'm just playing baby, you know I love you.
219 · Oct 2021
During Takeoff and Landing
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2021
Historically speaking, I am evil.
I used, I hated, I hurt, I cheated.
I lied, I drank, I wanted to die
But history is history.

I can't sit still while my world crumbles.
I can't stop trying to facilitate health.
You would that I made no mistakes
You would that I crucified myself.

My foundation is frozen in purgatory now
But humanity insists that I'll make it somehow
And when your record is littered with lies
The truth will always be clouded with doubt

I don't want to give up, but I want to give in
To the conceptual bliss of not having to be
I don't want to die, but I want the pain to end
I wonder what world waits for spirits set free.

Sometimes I wish that I never chose fatherhood
So I didn't have anyone to hurt, left behind
But I have to believe that this life will get better
Even when suicide strangles my mind.
"Speaking words of wisdom...
Let it be."
194 · Oct 2023
Henry (this is review)
Ryan Bowdish Oct 2023
When i was young i regarded you as the man my parents told me not to be and i loved that.

I smoked with you, laughed with you.
You were my childhood eyeroll
Turned into adult head shake
And into fatherhood, an understanding
Of how stupidly corny your repeated jokes were.

This is review.
Nobody laughed the way you do.
167 · May 2024
However i can
Ryan Bowdish May 2024
Every time that I sleep
I pray that I'm reaped
Because I don't wanna keep
Going on, I hate me
I don't wanna live
And I don't wanna give
Any more attention to
This world of *******
And every time I wake up
I hate my own ******* guts
And I hope that I choke
Or just die or get ******
Cuz I've tried way too ******* hard
To keep pulling the last card
And looking for glass shards
So I can finally give up
And you tell me that I'm ******* lazy
But I'm so depressed that I feel like I'm crazy
I can't get off of this couch
And I can't even be seen with my kids or go out
And I'm glad that my dad didn't
Give my the shotgun
Because you'd find me with
My head undone
And somehow I just keep going
Probably just because of Clem and of Rowan

You disregard all the loyalty
That I've put in to this
Business that you
Blindly ignore, see
I've been here before and
I know that I'm going
Through way too much *******
For you and for yours
But I'm still working hard
And I'm not gonna start
Getting into the **** that
You only exacerbate
You could make my life easier
But all you do is make me wanna see you
In an alley way so I can say
What I've always been thinking
And then ******* in all the
Holes in your face
So do me a favor and give me a reason
To end my whole life in this beautiful season
Cuz I'm ready to ******* up,
I'm ready to spill my guts
I'm ready to die because
I don't give a ****

I am
Not the person that you think I am
If I was
Then I would still be in the can
In the paper, the news,
That's up to you, my man
I'll defend myself any way I can

The only reason you haven't
Found me in a tavern
****** up on my *******
And my habits
Is because I know that
If my kids wake up
And find me in a tub
With my wrists all slit up
Then they'll be just like me
Which is going to be immediately
A trauma for them to face
Another CPS case
And then they'll be left
With their mom who's a basketcase
And I'm done acting like this isn't a tribute
To the only person who understands too
Shout out to Em for giving me the guts
To get so ******* that I stand the **** up
And tell God to leave me alone
Because I can't even sleep in my own ******* home
And I'm tired of courtrooms
I'm tired of jail cells
I'm tired of living
In this eternal hell
So one day I'm just gonna stop being me
And hopefully it'll be in my sleep
So I can have a nice funeral
And leave a good policy
Because is not what I wanted my life to be

I am
Not the person that you think I am
If I was, I'd still be in the can
In the paper, the news, that's up to you my man
I'll defend myself however I can

I'm so sick and tired
Of knowing I'll never retire
That sometime I wish
I would die in a fire
And I'm not spinning fables
And I'm about to flip tables
No I'm not gonna be able to
Make myself disabled
But I'm already there
In my head, I don't care
The only reason
That I'm still not impaired
Is that I haven't been ready
To finally end my own story
Because in my mind
Suicide ******* bores me
But if you get in my ******* way
Just know that I'm done
And it'll be your last day
On this earth that you've taken for granted
I won't even plan it
I'll just run into you
And your *** will be branded
With the very last name that you'll hear
And it'll be the name of a non binary queer
And I hope that this ****** you off
Because I'm done keeping my mouth shut, yeah it's on

I am
Not the person you think I am
If I was, I'd still be in the can
In the paper, the news, that's up to you my man
I'll defend myself in any way I can

(I'm just playing Slim, you know I love you)
The beat and a lot of inspiration is from Shady. I won't be making any money from this, but I really had to get this **** out my system.
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