The ego inside me is slowly but surely dying. Soon my eyes will awaken to their full, all knowing capacity. I will see the world exactly as it is, and that thought is comforting, yet terrifying. Being wise is a long, scary journey. But the light of wisdom outshines the darkness of ignorance. I will glow brightly, and illuminate this darkened space we live in and take for granted.

Every tree is sacred
Lending their shade,
No thanks required

I'm too drunk to write poetry
And I'm lost in my thoughts
and the noise
that are surrounding me

Alcohol is flowing
Everyone is having a good time
Me, included
But I still think of you
No matter how drunk I get
Even more so, I'd say

I wanna jump off
A diving board
Into a galaxy
And float away
To discover
Myself

I want to hear your voice,
I want you to be mine
I've got only one choice,
The waiver has been signed

I'll tell you how I feel,
When I build up the strength
But I'm afraid,
My world will come crashing down
Around me

**** and beer
Are much cheaper
Than a ****** therapist

You had me is what she said
All that's on my mind
Laying all alone, in my bed
Is when I wish you were mine

I want to feel your arms,
Wrapped tightly around my waist
I want to feel your heart
And talk until the break of day

I've lost my chance,
This I have come to accept
I know I've lost my chance,
To speak all the words we've left unsaid

Trapped in flesh and bone,
Encased in anxiety and insomnia.
God help me.

I hate you
I hate me
I hate everything that my eyes can see
My emotions could part the sea
I can't seem to find the peace
In which I once believed

I wonder if the moon ever tries to talk back.
I wonder if the sky is bothered by the smell of my cigarettes.
Does the sun squint back at me?
Do the clouds watch me pass by?
Who knows.

Happy days, lonely nights,
Burdens weigh, upon my mind
People come, then they leave
But these memories stay with me,
Stare out into a crystal sea
And your secrets, I will keep

I may start, begin anew
But my heart still says with you
But please know, though it's the end
I will always be your friend
It's been years, and you've moved on
At least I still have you on my songs

I think that the moon
Reached down and
Placed his finger
To your cornia
and that's why I find
Myself
Swimming in Lunar blessings
When we dance

And I think that
The Sun
Plunged his hand inside your chest
And lit the fire in your heart
That I fell in love with
And I feel the heat
Of his
Influence
As I place this ring upon your finger

Walking with your head down
Doesn't leave much to see

I feel like my outlet of the pen
Isn't as prevalent as it was then
The world quelled the poets mind
Silenced the verses I sing inside
An affliction of nothingness
My brain has wrought
I once had something,
A train of thought ?
Have the verses come back?
Do they dance in their alignment,
As I pour these words onto a page?
I think not..

When the poet cannot write
He sits awake in thought at night
Because the thoughts have no place to go
How to share himself he does no know
I've always been an introvert
Talk about myself? Absurd
Instead I observe
And the words begin to churn
Begin to spiral
Poetry laced in piety
These thoughts are viral
Often suicidal
Of intricate insight and false idols
Yet, I feel so alone
When the words don't churn
Can't reflect on what I've observed
But I have to try,
So to the pen I do return

I'm living in a paradox,
With rain clouds hanging over me
I'll lock my soul within a box,
Along with all my misery,
We just fell off, now all is lost
We couldn't live in synergy,
Simply left to shivering,
Because it's so **** cold without you.

Sitting in my computer room,
Staring at a monitor that laughs in my face,
My words spilling faster than my hands can will them
To be carved into my retina,

My thoughts return to her,
She's wonderful, assured
A person far away,
Maybe on foreign shores
And I will find her before,
I die

Forever in love with
Ideas,
And surreal, seemingly impossible dreams.

I wonder how you feel tonight,
Cradled in the arms,
Of someone that will leave you at morning light
Before you awaken, for you set no alarm
When you rise, I'll be far gone out of sight,
Down the next highway,
Passing rows of corn and countless farms

I have to run from memories of you,
From all the things we used to do,
Who you are and how we were,
And all the comfort of your words,
I won't even remember your name,
I left my heart with you and yesterday,
So much tension between us,
So someone had to pay

No matter what I say,
Or the things I do,
I will always
Love you

Through infidelity,
Through sharp tongue,
Through all our stress,
And being high strung
I will always love you

You're still the wind in my sail
On this sea of oil and blood
The sun to the petals
Of a lotus still blooming

You were the colors in the visions of kaleidoscope trips
The euphoria in all my drugs of choice,
And no amount of cut
Could degrade your purity
You still enter my system like water rushing inside a tunnel,
Unobstructed, and powerful

I miss the way you used to look at me
How I used to be the center of your universe
Because I saw the world swimming around your pupil in my reflection

You were my world too, ya know

I wish you could see
What I see
In you

Don't regret your past,
A stream does not flow backwards,
Move on, and be great

She passes me by,
A scent of flowers and perfume
She flashes those eyes,
As she struts across the room
And she still wonders why,
When I say,
I can't get over you

It's all the little reminders
That tear me down,
Again...

Pain is an emotion,
It torments me nightly
I have the slightest notion
Of happy days that will never be

Drag me through the waters,
Into a shallow grave
Hang me from the rafters,
There's nothing left to save,
The way I have paved,
Is to sadness and sorrowful days
Pain, is here to stay

Silence befalls the ears with too much noise
when you're silent, people forget you're there
In my mind a thought sounds like a drop of water
Splashing against a puddle of its previously fallen predecessors
Followed by a high pitched ring of a tuning fork
As the muddled waves find their way back to a glassy flatness

Then all is silent again..

She loves me,
She loves me not
Could it be,
the love I've sought
Wasn't meant to be
Anything,
But a stomach tied in knots

Humming,
In my mind,
An empty blank space
Binaural noise
Tune out,

Breathe in,
Contemplate my existence,
Wonder about the afterlife,
Breathe out

A circuit between thumb and forefinger,
Feel energy flowing through me
Wrists resting on the knees,
Palms up,
Back straight

Endorphins flowing,
Peace creeps over the body
The world blacked out,
Behind colorful, closed lids

In silence, I meditate

I'm about due
For a smoke and a back rub

The coffee machine was dripping a little louder than usual. Sitting in my kitchen waiting for the blinking red light to stop was the last place I had wanted to be. All of my friends are out and my girlfriend is asleep. What else is there to do?

I hear the ding and pour myself a small amount of coffee. I still wanted to sleep tonight so a full mug wouldn't be wise. There was some lame horror movie about snakes on the tube when I made my way back to the living room. A woman was struggling with her leg thigh deep in the mouth of an oversized Anaconda. Pass.

I finish my coffee and take the cup back to the sink. I stare into the night that looks like it was smeared with mottled grey ink that had been sitting out for too long. The tree was waving it's weird branch-hand at me in the wind again. I don't like that tree. Never have.

I start to wander back to my bedroom. My bare feet cold against the old hickory floor. This old house squeaks, but it's what I can afford right now. If you didn't know me, you'd think I was squatting. But no matter. I started to walk up the stairs, careful to avoid the spot where water drips from the ceiling and runs down the banister.

Once reaching the top of the stairs I turn right to go to my bedroom. I turn the **** and get in bed when I shut it, thinking nothing of what I was doing. I reach over. Where's my girl at? She was just sleeping here not even an hour ago. Did she leave and I didn't notice?

I get out of bed again and put my house shoes on again, wondering exactly what the hell was going on. I shuffle out to the hall, just ready to sleep. I stick my head out the door and look both ways. "Babe? You there?" I say to the emptiness, hearing my echo.

The emptiness responded back.

I heard footsteps, and a small laugh.

Now I'm starting to get scared. I step out into the hall and call again. "Hello? Who's there?" Nothing. I wait about five seconds and there were three knocks coming from downstairs. Who could be at the door at this hour? Maybe it's Cheyenne coming home.

I make my way down the stairs, a little scared and slightly *******. I open the door- "Did you forget your... oh" There was no one there. Just the sounds of the wind. "Where the hell did she go?" She was nowhere to be found. I searched the whole house. But the car is still here. This is weird.

I shut the door and turn around. I'm so confused. I can't make up or down out of this entire situation. Maybe I'll wake up suddenly and this will all just be some crazy dream.

I move to my couch and turn the channel from the snake movie. Chick flick, chick flick, talk show, news, news, news, more news. I give up.
I turn on the tv and something in the reflection of the glass. It appears to be Cheyenne. I jump, almost out of my skin and turn around suddenly. Nothing. I feel the sweat beading up on my forehead and the back of my neck. My first instinct is to run. Far, far away. No. I can't do that, my girlfriend is mysteriously gone. If I don't find her soon, I'm calling the police. Bottom line.

I go to the kitchen and I'm utterly horrified. Dripping down the wall in blood, was a message. A message meant for me. "Find Me!" was slashed on the wallpaper in that sentence as if by a first grader. I scream. I run upstairs and into my bedroom as fast as I can. I cower under my bed, fearing for my life more than I ever have before. All is quiet for a few minutes, and then I hear it. The footsteps. Coming up the stairs slowly, but with purpose. They reach my bedroom door and stop. It creaks open. I see two bare feet. Hers. She says "Why are you hiding under there, silly? Come out and kiss me." I'm so relieved. I crawl out from under and go to tell her what's transpires, and then I see it. Her nightgown. Covered in blood from top to bottom. She holds up her arms and I see the slices. I'm in utter shock as I see this, unable to even scream. She holds her arms out, as if for a hug, and whispers "Didn't you miss me, darling?"

I run. I run past her as far and fast as I can. Down the stairs, out the door, crying out to the night. I flag down a car and they stop and I tell them what happened. The police and ambulance arrive, check me out, and clear the house. She wasn't there. The blood wasn't there. Nothing was there. The only blood found was what got on my shirt when I ran past her.

Months after this incident, I'm still in this asylum. I'm not crazy. I'm not delusional. This diary my only outlet. But I know she wasn't finished. I was supposed to die too. But she was never found. They just assumed she left me and I went insane from grief. But that's not even close to the case. There's something unholy out for me now. You can't cheat death.

As I was writing this entry, I heard her whisper in my ear.. "Miss me, darling?"

I feel like in these verses
I pour my pain into poetry
Endless piety and sadness
Wretched yet filling
I feel like the pain is what keeps me writing
All that keeps me occupied
If I can't show you my heart with words
I am lost
Simply cast adrift on a sea of loneliness
With no outlet, swallowing myself.
Consumed by my head
Drowning in my own tears
Tearing myself apart at the seams
So that's why I write
So I don't simply become
Another suicide.

I'll sing to the mountains
And I'll sing to the sea,
And I'll sing to the winds
And the adventure in me,

I'll sing to the clouds,
And I'll sing to the sky,
I'll sing to the sun,
When it shines too bright

I'm wandering, searching,
for knowledge, profound
From whence I came,
Were the foolish grounds,

So I sing, and I play,
And wander, far and wide
Gradually opening
The Mystic Eye

Rushing water,
Heat behind my eyes,
I want to clench but I can't feel my body,
Images flash of spring time
And laughter
Of a young boy catching his first fish,
a father who's so very proud..

There's pressure in my head,
Memories clamoring individually for my attention,
I have to get out, this is too much for me..
The neuro squeezing ends..

Where am I?
I don't remember standing,
I don't remember opening my eyes..
Where am I?

I turn round and see myself sitting
In full Lotus, palms up,
Connecting my forefinger and my thumb.

But... that's impossible
I am here, but I am also there
I feel so ethereal.
I should be terrified, but this feels...

Right.

Tears dropping in blue
In loving memory of you
Pictures and memories are the last to go
It seems I'm always the last to know
I wont just throw everything away

With this gun upon my head,
I'll meet you in the end, my friend.
I swear upon every tear
I've spent crying these past few years.
I'm no longer overcome with fear

Wake up in the same old bed.
The same old sheets, and torn threads.
Remembering all the words you ever said
Replaying over and over,
Inside my head.

With this gun upon my head,
I'll meet you in the end, my friend.
I swear upon every tear
I've spent crying these past few years.
I'm no longer overcome with fear

I said I would return for you, and I did.

Sitting in my garden
I feel the life of these
Plants
These things
These living, breathing specamins
Of mother natures handy work
And I'm simply amazed

Fire, smoke, scorched to dust
The fire we tended with care,
Has burned out with us

Sing songs that lull your demons

Loving girls with broken pieces,
Leaves no patience for puzzles

You are the most
Beautifully destructive force I've ever seen

I thought I was going to
Lose you
I thought your depression
Was to much for me
that I had enough of my own
That it was hard enough for me
to wake up and fight
My own demons
But any demons of yours
Are demons of mine
And I'd happily go through hell
With you by my side
We'll walk hand in hand through the fire
and collect the money that the Devil owes me

I thought we were over
I thought you were to much to handle
Since we split, I made it four hours
Until I realized how inseparable we really are
And I called you with tears in my eyes
Only saying
I want you back
Because looking at stars doesn't quite reflect
The light in your eye
That I fell in love with

I just wish I could've been there for you
And told you how worn down I really felt
I just can't approach you
I've never been able to talk about my feelings...
So I scribe them all here
Because I know you read these
Just know that I love you baby,
And that I'll never, ever leave

Your tongue said you were leaving
My eyes cried *stay

Crush
Break
Snap
Unleash
Reform
Corrupt
Smash
Destroy
Revenge

I wish I could push these thoughts away

I love her,
She loves me
We were always
Meant to be

Do flowers cry when
Their petals begin to fall?
Or become weightless?

The wind sings my name between these trees
and I'm reminded why the greats spent so much time alone.

That awkward moment
When your pistol looks
Pretty ******* friendly

It's hard to feel like you're special
When everyone who told you that you were,
Leaves.

I deserve better than this.

Love songs keep me going
but the worst part is knowing
That after everything we’ve been through
It’s him and not me now lying next to you

Another bottle down, another lonely night
Drown the feeling I try so hard to keep inside
I can’t help that you’re always on my mind
I should have seen it coming, I should have seen the signs
I should’ve seen through the lies you told me each and every time

I can’t smoke you out,
I can’t drink you away
I still feel the pain
You left me with every day

You carry around my heart,
But I wear it on my sleeve
I loved you from the start,
But you don’t remember me

Serenity found,
In a place of tall grasses,
Happily alive