I'm a walking contradiction.
Most of the time, my heart is filled with joy.
I want to give unto others as they have given unto me.
I want to do good deeds and let my presence exude peaceful air.
Yet, I find it so easy to engross myself in hateful thoughts.
I feel malice run deeply in my veins.
It scorches my insides and leaves permanent burn scars that can't be undone.
I'm always going against the grain.
I get the urge to stomp on the flowers I just stopped to smell.
It's a difficult feeling to put into words.
Trying to hard to be good, then, out of reflex lashing out at nothing.

What does one do, when they don't feel whole?
How does one cope with a loss worse than death?
At least death is a certain, uncompromising finale.
You leaving has left me wondering, thinking to myself
About what I could have done to make you stay,
Or words I could have said to change your mind.
But I think the worst of it all,
Is knowing that no amount of pretty poems,
Or whimsical wishes upon dead stars,
*will ever bring you back to me.

Being alone is strangely freeing.
Now that you're gone, I have no one to answer to.
No one texting me constantly to see what I'm doing
And where I am and who I'm with.

Being alone is a cage with no bars.
I have all the time in the world and no one to share it with.
I'll watch a beautiful sunset, and try to pass my cigarette
To the outline of a woman that isn't there anymore.
Though your shadow still casts next to mine on my roof.

Being alone is enlightening.
With no idle chit chat to fill the air
My thoughts can now smoke out a room.
Every situation is either dreadfully awful or benevolently warm.
There is certainly a struggle for balance.

Being alone is stupefying.
I become so engrossed in myself I forget the world around me exists.
My cell phone sits in my pocket, a fossil of wires and plastic.
I find it now just to be an over sized paperweight.
Most time now spent in isolated contemplation.
There's always sunshine behind my tag-a-long rain cloud.

There is strength to be gained from solitude.
I now fully bare the weight of my unobstructed conscience.
My once feeble legs carry on like the hooves of the ox.
Once cold, I am now warm and inviting.
I greet each day with open arms and humble spirit.

Life is okay.
Even if I have to experience it alone,
Sometimes, it's not a bad thing.
I feel the warmth.

I'm living in a paradox,
With rain clouds hanging over me
I'll lock my soul within a box,
Along with all my misery,
We just fell off, now all is lost
We couldn't live in synergy,
Simply left to shivering,
Because it's so **** cold without you.

It's hard to feel like you're special
When everyone who told you that you were,
Leaves.

I deserve better than this.

I'm pretty drunk right now,
But my thoughts are clear enough to say,
I believe in you.
I believe in your dreams.
I believe you can overcome your flaws.
I believe you could write the masterpiece of our generation.
You could cure cancer, bring world peace, and feed the hungry.
You can show love.
You can breathe your positive presence into the air.
I want you to go forth and shine like the beautiful star that you are.
Together we can demolish our egos.
Start on the path to purity.
They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step,
So hold my hand, and follow me,
As I take mine.

I want a headstone made for myself,
And I want to hang it in my home.
An ominous admonition that I am surely doomed to die someday,
Reminding me to fill my life with joy,
Before it's hanging over my head,
And not on my wall

I barely eat,
I rarely sleep,
But I'm so tired of things
Eating at me.

Forever in love with
Ideas,
And surreal, seemingly impossible dreams.

Expecting to wake up,
From this dream of nineteen years.

I want to be a travelling teacher.
I want my life to be a lesson.
Spread a psalm of love to those who remain ignorant
In the dark corners of the world.

I want to hug every decrepit old person
And kiss the forehead of every baby.
I want to relieve the stress of the working class
And show mothers that I understand their struggle.

It is only through love that we can change this place.
Compassion be the sword that cuts through bigotry.
Let us heal our wounded spirits.
Let us feed our young.
Let us forget, even for a moment, the law of the land
To reenact the basic laws of man.

Be gentle, and kind.
We only get one life.
Use it wisely, and maybe,
Our children will grow as the lotus,
And bloom above these murky waters
Of selfishness and ambition.

Come together.

Rushing water,
Heat behind my eyes,
I want to clench but I can't feel my body,
Images flash of spring time
And laughter
Of a young boy catching his first fish,
a father who's so very proud..

There's pressure in my head,
Memories clamoring individually for my attention,
I have to get out, this is too much for me..
The neuro squeezing ends..

Where am I?
I don't remember standing,
I don't remember opening my eyes..
Where am I?

I turn round and see myself sitting
In full Lotus, palms up,
Connecting my forefinger and my thumb.

But... that's impossible
I am here, but I am also there
I feel so ethereal.
I should be terrified, but this feels...

Right.

It's warm.
Like smoke,
Shapeless,
Pushing my sins through my pores
To be cleansed by the crying sky.

This feeling,
This reality
Is crumbling down
Around my feet....

With arms wide,
and skyward eyes
I look for the answers..

This rain...

It dwells inside the cave of my Self.
Past the Guardians
Past the ego, the shadow,
The Anima, the Animus,
This truth I hold now

It comes to me as
Red and floating, weightless
Wrapping around my conscience,
Lifting me up, to the heights of
This existence
To the levels of a higher sentient.

I am safe here.
With chills in my spine,
And closed, but wandering eyes,
I peer inside,
The only place I can really call home.

I'll mold this world in my hands,
Pick apart the pieces of evil
Crush them between my fingers
And blow them away
Like powdered glass
Into the eyes of my shadow.
Press it down with my thumb,
With God-like strength
Erupting from my fragile human form.

Remember to breathe deeply,
Even though the air is poisonous,
It's good to remember your alive.

I would rather conquer myself,
than win a thousand battles.

All experience is preceded by mind,
Led by mind,
Made by mind.
Speak or act with a corrupted mind,
And suffering follows
As the wagon wheel follows the hoof of the ox.

All experience is preceded by mind,
Led by mind,
Made by mind.
Speak or act with a peaceful mind,
And happiness follows
Like a never-departing shadow.

I was ready to give up,
But then she found me
I was ready to let my demons possess me
But then she found me
I spent my days surrounded by **** smoke and monsters
But then she found me
She guided me out of the darkness.
She illuminated a cobblestone path to happiness
That was paved with my mistakes and broken bones.
I tried my best to hold her hand
Without cutting hers with my fractured nails.
She cleaned the blood from my fingertips
And wiped away the tears
That felt so heavy.
She gave me a place to rest when my legs couldn't carry on any further.
She stitched my wounds closed.
The places in me that were empty, she filled with love.
I owe her my life, but instead,
I'll give her my heart.

She holds me while I rest uncomfortably
She grabs my hand when I'm lost in dark places.
Her fiery spirit reignites the embers in my cold soul.
With a kiss on the cheek she gives me the wings
That I'll leave this dreadful mortal space with.
She makes smooth the splinters in my conscience.
When I kissed her again
The bed of nails I was doomed to fall on
Was transformed into a field of her favorite flowers.
She takes away my itch for the volatile substances I crave so badly.
She changed me.
She makes me who I am.

I see sunshine through the rain
I gain power from my pain
No more running delusionaly deranged

I'll put my hopes in faith,
And my head on straight,

Cause I got my baby back

I love her,
She loves me
We were always
Meant to be

I wish you could see
What I see
In you

As another long night ends,
I hear your voice
Lulling me into
Darkness

The only place I can still kiss you

One last kiss
Could send me happily
To the grave

You had a way of captivating me
Like an artist is struck by something beautiful
You made me feel inspired,
Like there were possibilities
Beyond this emptiness.

You were the axis my world spun on.
The pulse in my wrist
My Mona Lisa,
If I could id hang you in a gallery
With all of the other great works of man,
But I'm selfish,
And I want you all to myself.

I miss you more than I would like to admit.

My head is full of pretty women and stiff drinks

I have become strong,
Because I got tired of feeling weak.

It's all up to you.
You just kinda have to... decide.

Decide that you're not a victim.
To get off your *** and do something about it.
Instead of moping, and feeling sorry for yourself,
You can make the change.

You can do this.
I believe in you.

Misty eyes,
Aching soul,
I'm so young,
Yet feel old

**** and beer
Are much cheaper
Than a ****** therapist

They all say that a white boy can't rap,
So I gotta fire back,
I gotta bat and two straps in my back pack,
Did you get all that?
I'm coming in your battle swingin for your ball caps,
You better fall back, you better fall back,
Spit a verse at a camel and I broke his straw back
Cause he can't hack it, he won't have it
Run from the truth, like a pale face from a savage
I'm above average, Gimme a track to ravage
I can make a holy day black,
You might call me sabbath,
Imma take a car and imma crash it
Dying as I feel alive surrounded by these glass bits
I read a passage,
About not giving into sadness,
So I'll tear it up like some fabric,
Destroying rappers' become a bad habit

Kinda craving drugs,
Kinda craving ***,
Kinda craving food,
Just kinda craving.

When I see you I want to *****,
When I'm without you I simply cry
I can't solve these issues in a sonnet,
You've moved on... why can't I?

Living, dying, it's all relative
You can summarize my life with a metallic click.
I don't want to be alive anymore.
I don't even care to make these words sound beautiful.

I'm just being brutally honest.

*******,
**** me,
**** the world,
I'm out,
Peace

We all cry the same whiny tune
While we look up to idolized teenage figures
Well guess what?
The real worlds tough, and Holden Caulfield was a spoiled brat

You're so psychedelic,
You burst into vivid colors
In the style of a kaleidoscope,
Because only something so beautiful
Could represent
Your light

You're my favorite hallucination
I imagine your hand reaching out,
I try to grab it,
then suddenly you disappear
Like the smoke from my cigarette
Into the thin air
I am clamoring to breathe

Today I saw you
For the first time
In months
Oh, how familiar..

The wobbling knees
the shaky breath,
and clammy hands
That all come from being stricken
with love
and lust
And being lost in a feeling of lonely morose
As I watched you walk away.

Soon I'll leave this all behind
I'm California bound

I watched the sky bleed red last night,
It was a beautiful sight,
Maybe God cut the sunset with a knife,
Left it to die, or maybe
Bleeding is a new way of life?
Under a guise that maybe
Daytime isn't what I'm supposed to like,
And the devil's filled with spite
So he takes away the light, like,
"My shadow... touches"

Darkness, creeps, over, me,
Why, am I, scared?
Darkness, creeps, over, me,
God told me, to be-ware
I, didn't, listen
Devil pulls me, by the, hair

He said

You know your idolized reality?
It's a lie, my disciple
Can't hide your broken mentality,
You can write these peace cyphers
But what does it change, in actuality ?
Not a **** thing, young writer
Let's skip the formalities and say that
At night, I creep up in ya head like,
"I'm here, start running"


Darkness, creeps, over, me,
Why, am I, scared?
Turning, to the, word, but
God, wasn't, there,
I, should've, listened, but I
didn't, really, care,

Last night, the devil crawled in my bed like,
"Make space, we're sharing."

To quote your favorite movie,
"Don't you forget about me.."

I could change your world
With a touch of my lips
And a brush of your hair
I would once again
Be your center of gravity

You're the smoke I can't catch in my glass
The sand I tried to mold that ran between my fingers
I couldn't make you stay,
So you slipped away
With a grit beneath my nail
And the smell of stale smoke
Still lining my nose

I am Vader,
Reminiscing as he delves into the dark

I miss you,
Let's forget about everything
And let me wrap you up in
The warmest kiss we've shared together
I think I'd cry, a little.
I think you'd cry a little.
We'd be saying so much without a word being uttered.
I miss those moments.
Those blips on the radar of history
Where nothing mattered except
Your lips and how they tasted like sweetwater
and *** appeal.

I don't remember where I was going with this anymore
I get to thinking about you and suddenly
I'm L
           O
        S
              T
Again.

You remind my why it is,
That I like being alive

Your voice is still soft
And the only pitch that can
Soothe my aching soul

You are the most
Beautifully destructive force I've ever seen

No matter what I say,
Or the things I do,
I will always
Love you

Through infidelity,
Through sharp tongue,
Through all our stress,
And being high strung
I will always love you

You're still the wind in my sail
On this sea of oil and blood
The sun to the petals
Of a lotus still blooming

You were the colors in the visions of kaleidoscope trips
The euphoria in all my drugs of choice,
And no amount of cut
Could degrade your purity
You still enter my system like water rushing inside a tunnel,
Unobstructed, and powerful

I miss the way you used to look at me
How I used to be the center of your universe
Because I saw the world swimming around your pupil in my reflection

You were my world too, ya know

Your blue grey eyes
Were smooth, beautiful,
So softly somniferous