I laid beside you,
listening to your voice so sweet,
believing all your promises that you never ment to keep.
staring into your eyes,
seeing into your soul,
holding back from saying,
what i need you to know.
i want to lean closer,
fall asleep in your arms,
have you kiss me goodnight and hold me till dawn.
even though it'll never happen, i need you so bad.
your my sweeet my addiction, the angel i never had.

I am not a dog,
a domesticated animal you can keep on a leash
i wont cower at your hand,
i wont jump at your command,
your ways to me you will not teach,
you do not own me
i am free.
I will no longer pretend to be someone im not
you are not a man
just because you have a ****
i will speak my mind
i wont censor my thoughts
an i will live my life how i like
be it sober or not.
I will never again grovel at a mans feet
i will not see someone as better then me
you will not be the master of my destiny.
never again will i cry over you
an if you start to miss me
ill laugh when you do
That was the last time ill run at your beckon call
you will not be the person
for whom i continue to fall.
Im done caring what you think of me
an never again will i give my love so easily.
I will not let another person talk to me with such disrespect
you destroyed all my confidence
an made me feel nothing but reject.
Ill be the bigger person
as hard as that might be
ill try to stay strong
i dont need you in order to be happy
ill do fine on my own
an stay the **** out of my life
ill block out your memories
to keep you out of my dreams at night.
so like a chapter in a book
that is now complete
your a part of my past
your dead to me.

It wont happen to me,
Ill only do it once,
just to see what its like,
i didn't think id like it.
It took hold quickly tightening its grasp,
its taken ownership of my soul,
there's no turning back.
the high is so good,
it only makes the sickness worse,
days when im without it id rather be in a hearse.

And then when you least expect it
you have a life altering epiphany
time stops
you realise you know nothing of what you thought you knew
and everythihng is how it wasnt
nothings the same
everythings changed
your world is thrown upside down
and your mind is screaming
" WHAT THE **** ?!?! "
your hearts racing a million miles a minuite
and in that split second you realise
youve made the biggest mistake of your life
but you dont have the stregnth to fix it
not in a
" i give up on life " sense
but in
"its scary to think of my life as anything but how it was, i hate change. " kind of way
in your mindset you believe that everything depends on fate
and you dont try to change or alter that in anyway, shape or form
and then when something does change
its like you see your life flash before your eyes
you see all your mistakes
all your regrets
and in that moment you know you have to change
you ache for the past too much
happiness is an arms reach away
but you cant grab it
your clinging to days gone by
keeping your faith in memories
everything you've ever dreamed of waits for you
with open arms
caring eyes
and a loving smile
yet you push it away
you convince yourself that its a mistake
that your life now is how its sussposed to be
no matter how scripted and insistent it is
despite how miserable an how much of an act you are
your convinced that if you keep living as you are
that things will eventually return to how they were,
your living in the past
holding your future in somthing that didnt last.

I'm a prisoner,
a convict of the worst kind,
a slave kept in restraints,
confined to the four walls of my mind.
   I'm tortured,
I'm punished,
abused in the worst way,
I'm held hostage by my demons,
who always want to come out to play.
   I'm a *******,
trying to win at a sadists game,
there's no hope in screaming,
all escape plans are vain.
   I'm a liar,
truth tastes bitter in my mouth,
my only friends await me,
to drag me farther into hell.
   I'm a thief,
all aspects of me are stolen,
like hundred year old glass,
begging to be broken.
   I'm a puzzle,
that's missing the final piece,
I just want to silence the voices,
and embrace eternal sleep.

Lacking the ability to peform everyday tasks,
the mirror your enemy ,
makeup a mask.

Advert your eyes
in them the lack of truth,
vulnerability inevitable
as fleeting as your youth.

find comfort in normalcy
repetitive and bland,
every breath mundane,
dead and dejected.

the delusion of happiness
apocryphal lovers
in pursuit of nonsensical dreams,
is everything as it was
or is nothing as it seems.

i crush up the pills
place them in 2 nice little white lines
darling im sorry
i promise this is the last time.
my face is burning
i feel so alive
i love you
but im feeding you lies.
for try as i might
and try as i will
my love for you
dosnt comapre to the love i receive from the pills
so ill leave the warmth of your arms
to the comfort of my drug enduced bliss
replace your lips
with a empty kiss
and ill forget everything we had
pretend we never were
i told you to begin with
i am far from anyones dream girl
for my grasp on reality is deluded
tainted by self enduced hate
please dont think its your fault
this is just my fate.
and ill leave you a letter
apolgising for all the lies
then give into my obbession
pill bottles at side
and an array of colors is all ill see
as i swallow them all
i create my destiny.

I listen to your every word
then i,

repeat.
repeat.
repeat.
repeat.
repeat.

i analayze.

each paragraph,
each sentence,
each word,
each letter,
each syllable.

until i know the depths of its meaning.

when i sit there and stare off into the nothingness,
realization is the meaning of my silence.
my blank expression
shows your words are sinking in.

I have you figured out
every single ******* one of you.

I know what all your intentions are,
I see the hatred in your eyes
i hear the discust in your voice.

You think im stupid,
but i know.

i hear your wispers

i see you watching

i feel you following

and i cant escape.

Bend your knees
his sins run down your face
open that sweet mouth
the vulguarity of your innocence
repugnant in your mouth
the ever familiar taste.

laying there naked in a river of deceit,
spread eagle waiting,
for what makes your soul weak
eyes closed in denial
you can no longer look at what you've lost

  The closest you feel
skin on skin,
in those moments you lose the fear
that your losing him.

and you pray for those moments just before bed
when your under the covers
and on his chest rests your head,
for then a few hours when you become slave to sleep
you hold hands with an angel
who keeps you company in your dreams

If i asked,
would you run away with me?
Pack up and leave everything behind,
Hitch Hike to freedom,
Start over with nothing but a gutair and each other.

Would you embrace the unknown,
and travel down roads with no destanation in mind?

Does the thought of waking up every morning
not knowing where youll end up
captaviate you as much as I ?

Could you become that fearless,
spontantious and care free?
Or would you turn back,
Remember all the things you've left
And miss your past?

Darling if i asked,
Would you run away with me?
Escape everything we hate
And with one decision
Change our fate?

i refuse to believe in this reality anymore
im going to lay here in the dark,
until i go back to before,
close my eyes and listen to the shadows play
im going to lay here until i slip into yesterdays.

She watches as he pulls the pills from his pocket
and places them upon the table
he handles them as if he was holding gold.

He crushes it up and places the powder upon a spoon
She see's what she fears
yet what she longs for
the sharp point glistens in the light.

Now he adds the water
and sparks a flame
Its almost ready
she looks for a vein.

He hands her a belt
she knows exzactly what to do
gotta get the blood flowing
"you dont want me to miss, do you? "

Now pull it tight
hold the end in your mouth
dont move
dont flinch
dont even say ouch.

So she pulls the belt tighter
and holds onto his arm
she feels the pinch
and knows it wont be long.

She removes the belt
and the room starts to spin
pure ephoria
she cant help but give in.

Her body so weightless
the high comes in one big wave
she lays back on the bed
from her pain she is saved.

and darling i miss you
i just thought you should know
ive been lying to myself since the night i watched you go
i wish you were here
in replace of his arms at night
staring into his blue eyes
i imagne them as yours when i close mine tight.

i wish you knew me now
i wish it wasnt to late
i had my chance with you
but i cant change fate.

so ill carry on an empty converstaion
the entire time biting my toung
i cant let it slip that with you im still in love
and ill cling to your memories
while i sleep in his arms at night
for in my dreams im with you
in my dreams i got it right.

i find refuage in my basement
behind a closed door
screaming out to metal music
broken razor blades litter the floor
and upon the table youll find
pills crushed into powder
like magic it numbs my mind.
in times of anger
i smash my fists agaisnt the wall
knuckles meet cement
i watch a bruise form
while i let the tears fall.
the blade so easy
i caress its shattered edge
the metal to my skin
i dont even flinch
i hate you so much
a **** for every sin.
so i plaster on the makeup
around my emotionless eyes
i dont know if youve noticed
but the love has recently died.
i find my face boring
so plain and mundane
so i shove a needle threw my lip
a maschoist addicted to pain.
and baby you might think youve saved me
but youve only dragged me down
i hate you so much
like a drug
you leave me strungout and hell bound.

The bitterness taints my lips
Liquid hatred shows no love
Forget all my insecurities
I’ll be here to hold your hand when you’re all alone
I’ll be here to tell your secrets to
so hand me the bottle
this shot is mine
after five more
everything is fine.
ill forget that you left me
ill forget all the abuse
and for a few hours out of my life
i no longer love you.

I need a new job in a new city,
with a new name and new home,
i need to pack up my bags and run,
i'd be far from here before it was noticed i was gone.

   I would pay money for a lobotomy
i need a new perspective on life,
is there a paper with boxes
where i get to place a check mark for the personality id like?

   And no im not happy
so id prefer not to smile,
yes im a ***** with the mentality of a child.

   I dont belong here
with you or with them,
but i wont tell anyone,
ill just pretend.

Its sad,
how everyday is a reflection of how ignorant of a race we've become.
Humans are discusting beings,
respect is a thing of the past
and chilvalry is dead.
What happened to days when men would kiss your hand
or open doors for you?
women were more respected when they had no rights
now their considered equal yet they still groval at mens feet
and are refered to as ******* and ******.
Then again,
whats equality
it lost its meaning long ago,
for a free country theres not much freedom here.
If an atheist speaks of their beliefs their said to be mocking chrisanity
beacuse chrisanity is the norm.
Its going to **** us
the demise of this world is going to be caused by what its built upon.
Organized relgion is nothing more then power hungry people
trying to steer the young,naive, lonely and afraid
into doing " whats right " by inflicting the fear of the unknown upon them.
There is no " right and wrong "
nothing but centuries of branwashing by bible pushers and jesus freaks.
Were not thankful for anything,
were slaves to the economy,
never content with what we have
always glutton for more.
People who say money can't buy happiness are full of *******
and have never gone without food or cloths because they can't afford them
The main cause of misery is lack of money
ask anyone going without what would make them happy
i bet you all the money in the world i know the answer.
We dont even appricate the fact that were alive
it takes a death or some drastic event for us to even take a second and be thankful for life.
We judge everyone without reason
when in reality were all the same
everyone of us are fighting demons
hiding a part of our past
and running from something.
People sicken me,
were going to be at fault for the sucide of our world
were all born monsters
we all die the same

The nightly ritual
starts with just one drink
as he ingests liquid hatred
that resides in the fridge by the sink.

She sits there in solace
and watches the transformation
as his eyes change
shes witness to his degeneration.

She's learnt when to speak
as well as when to keep quiet
her bodys become to familiar
with black and with violet.

The house is a battle field
every night is world war three
there will never be a winner
and there will never be peace.

i will make you smile
and shatter it like ancient stained glass.
i will fill your heart with laughter
then replace it with a thousand silent screams
i will be the monster in your nightmares
i will haunt you in your dreams.
i am a master mind an a madman
you will regret letting me into your life
i will constantly criticize you
and bring you joy
just to replace it with strife.
i am a liar
i will **** with your head
i will manipulate your words
until their something besides what you said
i will praise you for what you did
though you can do nothing right
I will hold you close
keep you safe at night.
i will give you my hand
and hold yours closely to my heart
i will share with you everything
so you'll be left with nothing when i part.
i am everything you've ever wanted
i will give you everything from your wildest dreams
my name is love
and im never what i seem.

like sanity fading to the back of my mind
a mind of which i no longer hold claim to
controlled and medicated
for false reasons
a misguided diease
i stare in horror at figures you dont see
dileauded grasp on reality
objects resemble those from a dream
i try to hide the tears
but they guide their way down my cheeks
fall softly upon my lips
i taste their salty kiss.
sense of sweet nothingness
and everything all at once
shhhhhhhh
if you listen you can hear them calling my name
like their screaming out to me
in vain attempts to help me stay sane.
so baby hold my hand
i promise i wont cry
ill tell you all im better
ill tell you all a lie.

I am not here
my existance is merly an illusion
im nothing but a body
who died worlds ago
im a walking corpse
who feeds off your pain
i breath nicotene
your melencoly is gasoline to my fire.
Ever so gently i run the scaple along my face
in stragatic places
i peel back my skin
like a mime i change faces
i am not me
all that remains to be seen
is the rementants of a former self.
With a needle and thread
i stitch on a smile
a lie i always wear
as the pile of lies keeps growing.
I hear his voice taunting me
i see his manapialive eyes in mine
everytime i look into a mirror
darling come closer
and tell me who you see.

This is how it always begins,
It sneaks up like house flys in the fall.
Waking up in the morning feeling worse then the night before,
Garbage can full of ***** still beside the bed on the floor.
   Runny nose, sneezing, body drenched in sweat and freezing cold,
In the past 12 months ive started to look old.
   This is what i can't stand,
A self inflicted flu that makes me feel like a slave.
Its not that i wasnt warned,
Not as if i didnt understand,
I saw first hand the grip it takes, foolish me was just to naive to listen,
Im diffrent, i have self contorl,
Tables turned im now controled,
Dancing with deamons is always risky,
When you let your guard down the devil creeps in quickly.
   My body no longer belongs to me,
It becomes that of the walking dead.
Back, legs, arms, shoulders all ache.
I feel like ive run a marathon though i barley have energy to move.
My mind wanders to places full of fear,
Arms give away my secrets, showing the scars of my vice.
Everything is freezing and the blankets no longer supply the comfort i need.
   A spoon, a lighter, cotton and water,
relif so close my body starts to shudder.
Im handed the belt, ive long since lernt what to do,
Gotta get the veins up, missing is the last thing someone like me wants a thing like that to happen to.
Muscles all tense from sickness and desperate antipication,
deep breath, needle in, a patient to my own form of cancer awaiting my medication.
Like a child on christmas eve full of excitement for whats to come,
from my veins to the syringe a stream of blood does run.
One final push, now release the belt,
Im finally holding hands with euphoria,
While falling a little farther into hell.

you haven't felt happiness
or the pure feeling of bliss
until you've experienced my intoxicating kiss.
my lips on your flesh
i have you hooked at the sight
after one time
you crave my arms every night
your wrapped around my fingers
an im tightening my grasp
everyone warned you there'd be no turning back.
you should have listened
but your not the kind to take advice
im your master now
im in control of your life.
you cant deny it
try as you might
you love me
an you know it
ill become your demise.
you dream of my sweet taste
you hear my voice whispering your name
your attempts at comfort
will drive you insane.
don't tell anyone
an ill continue to be your mistress
ill steal you from everyone
an continue to shower you in kisses.
so give me your hand
i promise i wont lie
ill wipe away all your tears
an keep you company until you die.

Its another night of misplaced affection
as your words reverberate in my mind
you question my hatred
yet you see the answer every time you look in a mirror.

Cold arms and icy glances
skin on skin
animalistic with no emotion
our eyes meet and i see my downfall
i see whats ruining me.

I find peace in my dreams
for they show me what my subconscious yearns for
I loath reality.

To be honost
would be to deem myself a liar
and i refuse to accept truth.

The only truth i am willing to accept
is the hatred i have for you.

theres ****
and then theres me and you.

you embody everything i hate,
future plans for two,
i now see as one,
theres no turning back
actions can't be undone.

Theres to many secrets
that would break our hearts,
sorry's just a word
and words arnt enough.

I love you's are empty
and kisses are cold,
if im lucky enough to hold you,
its like trying to cuddle with stone.

Im constantly reminded
of mistakes from my past,
i used to drown in your eyes
now im drowning in regret.

Nothing can change
final chances have been givin,
im afraid of life without you,
but this isnt how i can keep living.

Baby i tried
just not hard enough,
i promised you i wouldnt,
but its time to give up.

Love is something you give
and i cant make you feel

just answer me this..

will you miss me when you see me leaving is real?