The color of your hair
So perfectly represented in the warmth of your calloused skin
Your heavy fingers
So briefly intertwined with mine
But at the glances of the herd
And the compaints that go unheard
You let me go
So what's to show?
Except the beating of my heart
And some of your warmth
Left over in my hands

Please forgive me
I'm failing
And I'm wasting
Away

He watches her
Sitting on the sofa
A Pepsi in her lap
Breaking pine needles in her fingers
And drinking in the smell
Her hair is pinned precariously
And her skin is warm and tight
He watches from the window
Then goes off into the night

I could see her eyes flitting all over the room, her petite frame ensnared in my mother's soft arms. I was so glad she was here, that she was with us. She'll be staying over for the third night in a row, she doesn't want to go home to an empty hospital bed yet. There's nothing there for her now except an angry father, a crying mother and several baskets of sour laundry.

He's mean to me in such a sweet way. How he manages to stare at me when he speaks, kiss my skin eeeeevvvvveeeeer so softly in the places I bruise, and still call me "bro", ignore me, flirt with every girl he comes across and then hug me so tight it's like we're lovers about to be separated forever, I've no idea. All my friends see the light in his eyes when he stares at me, hear the gentle joy in his voice when he says my name, see how he handles me in our hugs, his rare kisses and hand grabs, the way he slides his hands over my arm, my shoulders, plays with my hair, caresses my cheek; such wonder and caution in his work.

So why do I feel it means nothing?

We are all addictions
Impostions and
Inflictions
We are all we do and all we watch
And all we drink
We stand apart from other people
In their happy homes
And church steeples
We are all addicted
We are all addicted
We are all addicted
And we know
That there is hope

She is so hopeless
She is so lost
She cannot write
Because she does not know the cost
She strives to be
Like all of us
But our words sing
And her words rust
With swears and yells
And spelling errors
She thinks that we see beauty
She wants to be like one of us
But writing is our duty
We love her though she's failing
She's making us ashamed
For we all know her
We all read her
So I will not speak her name

I can't wait to get a toaster
My own toaster
I really enjoy toast, especially with the peanut butter that's bad for you
And sometimes with cinnamon
I usually make myself scrambled eggs and bacon
With a couple pieces of toast and chocolate milk
Toast and I have a special relationship
So I'm looking forward to the day when you and toast meet
When your step uncle in law twice removed buys us some cheap Wal-Mart toaster
Wrapped 20 minutes before the wedding with a card where my name is misspelled
And I use it a week or so later to cook you bacon and eggs the way YOU like them
With a side of apple juice and toast
I've loved toast all my life
When I marry you, you'll know I love you just as much
So, you and toast should probably meet

I would forget you right now
I would leave these feelings behind
If it wasn't for the way you looked at me

I would put this all in the past
I would abandon all hope that I have
If it wasn't for the things you said to me

I would rather miss The Train than mess this up
I would force the words back down my throat
If it wasn't for the way you stared at me

The way you hugged me


The surprise on your face when you'd seen how I've grown



I would forget I ever felt this way
If you hadn't acted like you didn't feel it too


So welcome home my friend
It's never been better to see you

I would forget you right now
I would leave these feelings behind
If it wasn't for the way you looked at me

I would put this all in the past
I would abandon all hope that I have
If it wasn't for the things you said to me

I would rather miss The Train than mess this up
I would force the words back down my throat
If it wasn't for the way you stared at me

The way you hugged me


The surprise on your face when you'd seen how I've grown



I would forget I ever felt this way
If you hadn't acted like you didn't feel it too


So welcome home my friend
It's never been better to see you

I can't wait to marry you
Except that I can
And I'm going to

I will struggle through anything
To hold you
To be with you

And we will mess up
We'll fail
We'll argue

But we're going to make it
We'll be fine
How I love you

A thousand days
A thousand lies
To keep you parting
From my eyes
Tonight when we
Were in the car
You made sure to park real far
Away, so we could have more time
So you could walk and kiss my cheek
Won't see you for another week
You said you'd kiss me
Wouldn't quit
So we climbed in to kiss and sit
But when we got in
Cold as the dead
All the I love yous you've ever said
Came pouring out your mouth instead

"I don't tend to use the phrase 'in love'" he said.

I sighed.

"Well, I do." I said sadly. "I'm not anymore, but I was. I really, really was."

He was silent.

"It's so weird to see all this." I gestured to the slideshow of pictures on the screen in front of me.
"This was all only a year ago, and my life is so different now. I thought that this-" I pointed to a picture of myself sitting very close to a chesnut haired boy "- would last forever."

More silence.

"I wonder if he thinks about this. I do. A lot. I don't think I have feelings for him anymore but I still always think about this. We were together from what. . . September 23rd-"

"That's oddly specific."

"To New Year's exactly. And I was still in love with him for four months after that."

"I don't tend to use the phrase 'in love'" he said.

I sighed.

"Well, I do." I said sadly.

No matter what they believe
I have done what I can, what You've asked of me
And with your mercy
I can finally know peace

A recorder?
Or a flute?
A lover?
Or a lute?
A phantom?
Or a trick?
It could be anything
*I created it

If I were to write a poem
To you
About what would it be?
Your eyes, your laugh, your smile
Your lips?
Or how drastically you've changed me?

~

If you were here
I'd cradle your head
And whisper sweet songs in your ear
I'd stroke your dark hair
You wouldn't go anywhere
Cause all you'd want to be is
Right here

~

If Fear was a man
He would cloak himself in Arrogance
It may keep him warm but
It is not a pleasant sight
If Thought was a woman
She'd cloak herself in Action
Peeling away each layer of Arrogance
From the Heart of Fear
She so desperately wished
To claim

~

I don't smoke
I don't drink
My parents are married
They're happy, I think
I have no diseases
No wounds on my skin
We believe in a God
That shelters within
We are loving and caring
I've all that I need
I am not a delinquent
I take most rules in heed
But when asked if I'm happy
What to say, I don't know
Most often I lie
Since my answer is no

A million thoughts inside my head
And none of them are kind
A pretty head atop my shoulders
But not a pretty mind
~
How pretty your eyes are
How pretty your nose
How pretty your legs'd be
If they remained closed
~
He may love me
But he doesn't know me
He may love me
But he doesn't show me
~
How can God be bigger than this?
A throttled cry
A bitter kiss
How can God be bigger than pain?
God doesn't speak
But here speaks pain again
~
I want to go to Africa
But why?
But why?
Because I've no right to cry
While they die
They die

I cannot explain how much pain I am in. I curse myself for thinking I had made a clean break, let alone a break at all. I don't know if that had anything to do with this immense pain, not that it could be any worse. I am not angry with you, but I still crave making you feel guilty, even though you've done nothing to me. This was no ones fault, I think. Natural consequences at the most. But not even that. Again, I cannot really express how much pain I am in. Everything I do exhausts me beyond belief, every thought that enters my head just tortures me in inchorehence. I don't even understand my own thoughts anymore. Though I've yet to make any action to harm myself or anyone else, my thoughts feel morbid and violent. I feel disgusted with myself and my actions, everything I do. I thought I'd finally gotten over you, maybe even found someone else until last night.
I still can't believe how one infinitesimal hug could have effed me up so badly. Well, I doubt it was the hug itself. That was probably just the cherry on top of the feelings I can't seem to escape no matter who much I want to. Life would be so much simpler if I could just let this go. I don't know why I can't. Everything that's happening around me is confusing and infuriating and I feel like I can't control any of it. The things I want are getting mixed up with the things I detest and now everything disgusts me. There are two adorable toddlers downstairs in my house and I can bring myself to go play with them because I find no happiness in in anymore, let alone anything else. I love those girls with all my heart, I can hear them right now watching Cinderella, but I just can't.

I'm scared. Of everything. I pride myself on being smart, on being aware of myself and my faults and of others. Everything that's happening to me angers me so greatly I guess because I don't understand it. Just when I think I've escaped you, and just when I think I've found someone else, I have to go and get so effing hormonal and fickle about it. **** being a teenager, I hate it more and more each day. I'm pretty smart, I know I'm capable of so much but I feel trapped inside this adolescent, growing body that I cannot WAIT to leave behind. This is hell for me. And all my feelings for you, and for this other guy . . . Only makes everything more confusing and infuriating. This is not anger, this is fury. I am furious at everything and everyone and I don't know why. I am so hurt, and I am so miserable. I've sought help and council and none of it has helped.
What am I to do? With you? With him? With myself? Everything feels like more weight, more burden, I want to serve, I want to help, I just want to be like before. I miss being happy all the time, now everything feels like work. I pretend to be happy at school and church so much that I don't know when I'm actually happy or when I'm faking it. I come home and just collapse with a plate of food in front of the TV and wait until my headache returns so I have an excuse to keep myself from crying. I'm always thinking horrible, violent thoughts that scare the **** out of me. I hardly sleep anymore. I'm terrified at night. I've been struggling with my faith recently and I'm convinced one of these nights something will come for me in my doubt. I lie to the people who could help me, I tell them I'm fine because the thought of having to explain all of this to someone, having to answer more questions I don't know the answers to just makes me feel worse. I lie to my parents because I know that when I start answering "I don't know" to all their questions that they will be angry with me.
I don't know where to turn. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know if it will go away, when or how. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what to do. I don't now whats wrong with me. I just hope to God it ends soon.

How aware are you that [he's] totally scoping you out?

You do realize that he's totally gunning for you, right?

You guys would make a really cute couple. I think he likes you.

He DOES stare at you, oh my gosh, I saw it. He stares at you all the time.

Thomas thinks [he] likes you, too.

Yeah, it's really obvious.

Fearing God will leave her again
She wakes to an empty house
And screams in the living room
Because you are so, so beautiful
And she was so, so alone

I write my secrets in Sharpie on the soles of my shoes
So where ever I tread, I'll see pictures of you

In my footprints are poems I always keep with me
So where ever I walk, I'll have pieces of history

Its too late for me and I want you to know
That I think of you always, where ever I go

I am from the battered cymbal and
Dolce and Gabbana perfume and
Adam's peanut butter
I am from the honeysuckle vines
Creeping up the pillars and twirl around my ankles
It tasted like exotic spices and smelled like pond water
I am from the blueberry bush
The lavender rushes
Curling softly around my rusted heart shaped wind chime
I am from Christmas Eve birthday cakes and
Writing my name in charcoal on cliff faces
From Tom, and Phillip and Gerard Butler
I am from the judges and
The singers
From marshmallow farms and
Watermelon seeds
I am from the Kool Aid Communion and
Stolen animal crackers
I am from Providence and ancient watchtowers
Bangers and Mash and ginger beer
From the crickets, wickens and picket fences
The bright red porcupine
I am from heron beaks and the green shuttered house
With the bow and arrow creek
The plum cherry trees
Young ****** noses
And the note I keep in my pocket to remind me who I am

I am from the battered symbol and
Dolce and Gabbana perfume and
Adam's peanut butter
I am from the honeysuckle vines
Creeping up the pillars and twirl around my ankles
It tasted like exotic spices and smelled like pond water
I am from the blueberry bush
The lavander rushes
Curling softly around my rusted heart shaped wind chime
I am from Christman Eve birthday cakes and
Writing my name in charcoal on cliff faces
From Tom, and Phillip and Gerard Butler
I am from the judges and
The singers
From marshmallow farms and
Watermelon seeds
I am from the Kool Aid Communion and
Stolen animal crackers
I am from Providence and ancient watchtowers
Bangers and Mash and ginger beer
From the crickets, wickens and picket fences
The bright red porcupine
I am from heron beaks and the green shuttered house
With the bow and arrow creek
The plum cherry trees
Young ****** noses
And the note I keep in my pocket to remind me who I am

I keep thinking you're lying in the adjoining bed.
That you're sprawled out, tangled in blankets, your hair a wild mess.
I have the desperate urge to crawl over towards you.
To stroke your errant curls from your forehead and kiss your face.
Whisper your name in your ear until you wake up.
To place my head on your chest and listen to your funny little heart, beating just a bit too quickly.
Your eyes would open and you'd be frustrated at it.
But you would hear your funny little heart and know I was there and we'd be okay.

Will you still be my sister when you wear a white dress?
When the man in the suit becomes my brother?
Will you still be my sister when you make your first promise?
Will you see me make my promise to another?
Will you still be my sister when your name isn't mine?
Will you still listen when I'm alone?
Will you still be my sister when you're someone's loving wife?
Will you still love me when this isn't your home?
Will you still be my sister when your room slowly empties?
Will you still pick me up when Mom and Dad fight?
Will you still be my sister when he's down on one knee?
Will you still be my sister tonight?

I used to think there were healthy people and sick people.
Turns out there are no healthy people at all.
Everybody's got something.
My husband sometimes can't walk. And he sometimes can't breathe. And he sometimes can't eat. And he sometimes can't speak.
What about yours?
Sometimes I can't think.
And I can't get up.
And I can't stop thinking.
And I can't sit still.
And I can't start.
And I can't stop.
And I can't hope.
And I can't forget.
And I can never remember.
And I can't live.
And I can't die.
And I can't remember why.
Sometimes I want to just blip out of existence, like I never took up space to begin with.
Sometimes.

What about you?

What about you?

Don't make me go back inside
Please don't make me go
I think I might throw up
They all say "just grow up"
Don't make me go inside, I beg
Don't make go inside

This is the first time I've said goodbye
This is the first time I've left first
And let me be the first to tell you
It's the worst

I miss the look on your face when you saw me
I miss the smell on of the smoke on your skin
I miss the small, silver camera you held in your hand
I missed you the moment you'd taken me in
I miss the long drives past rolling corn feilds
I miss the tissue crumpled in my hand
I miss the trailer sat 10 feet from your porch light
I missed you the moment that I knew I can
I miss the family that I'd never known there
I miss my neices blue eyes, curly hair
I miss when Aunt Nikkie painted my nails green
It started chipping, but I didn't care
I miss the fireflies that I couldn't catch
I miss the movies you forced me to watch
I miss the ashtrays all over the house
I missed the jokes I continue to botch
I miss the grapes that you stuck by my bedside
I miss the feel of my neice on my lap
I miss my cousins attempting to drown me
I even miss Tristan, whom I wanted to slap
I miss the day that they took me out shopping
I miss watching movies with them late at night
I miss winning money on Grampa's 10 slot machines
I miss how hard those mosquitos would bite
I miss the day that you bought me a pizza
I miss the way that smoked everyday
I miss the drive to the airport that morning
I miss your face, as you drove away

you have laughed
And you have cried
While You were always watching
And You had lived
And You had died
Before we were but hatchlings
And You were here
While you were there
Always fiercely protecting
And You by you
I learn the love
That keeps me from defecting

I inhaled deeply, feeling the air rush into every curve of my lungs, strengthened from my cardio and breathing exercises. I pushed the air out of me, tightening my diaphragm. The little puffy dandelion seeds zoomed into the wind, little broom shaped pips spinning through the sky. I could you feel you watching me.

"What'd you wish for?" you asked softly.
I looked at you and leaned in to kiss your cheek. Your thin beard tickled my lips. I pulled away and wiped your cheek off with my thumb. In that moment, every moment of the last year rushed through my mind, every kiss, every poem, every laugh, every movie night, every time I caught you staring, every time I've stared, every time we've started at each other without anything to say besides "I love you", every present, every second, every prayer, every sickness, every thing you've every said.
"I think I need you."
"I love these places. Where I can kiss you without opening my eyes. Where I can see you with my lips."
"I am so infinitely, wonderfully in love with you."

Every tear, every smile, every thing. You were all there was.
You.

"You." I replied.

We stepped out of the theater and I squealed
The three Africans seemed in varied states of distress over the snow
The father, grumpy as always, plowing his way through the flurry to the car
The mother, giddy but exhausted, thankful she didn't have to run a marathon this year
And you, cold as ever, clinging to my hand like a branch jutting over a freezing cold river
I laughed and smiled and I saw the snow pile up in your hair and on your broad shoulders and you shivered and tried to stop me from sliding across the icy ground
We all slipped into the car, trying not to let the fat snowflakes sneak in
I practically fell in the door, icy crystals forming settlements on my head
You took one look at me, stroked a lock of my hair between your finger and thumb and gazed, wide eyed for a brief moment
"You have snow in your hair." You whispered, giggling. You gently tugged my face towards yours by my damp curl
And you kissed me

If you read this
Let me know
If you're hurting
Let it show
If you read this
Let me know
If you're anxious
Let it go

It's always the same
The way I whisper your name
And I can hardly believe it
That you cannot conceive this
I've fallen again
Tried so hard to win you with sin
It's not a matter of money
When my honeytrap is missing its honey
I'm a person kinda person
And I know I'm a prison
My arms hang like shackles
You're no good to me now
I can't believe the lie
That I'm going to die
When I hug you
You ought to say ow

You (perfect) wrapped me (shivering and ridiculous) up in a blanket (warm).
You (wonderful) sat next to me (falling asleep) and ate the sandwich I bought (pretty good).
You (perfect) are perfect. I (loves you) love you.

I realize now
You are a tree
That stands there quietly watching me
You're tall and green
And you can sing
Like a flock of birds
But do you trees know, how much this hurts?
How do you think I feel, my dear?
Among the weeds, just standing here
I water every root each day
I sing you songs along the way
I stroke your branches and don't whine
I tell you tales to pass the time
The time until you realize
Of the whole forest, but I am wise
Until you find that you love me
I'll just sit here singing
To my tree

I'm staring at the open wardrobe door
From my bed, across the room
Begging God to let me go back
And listen to you tell me about the clay ball and rubber ball and the open door

The thought of your psychics sends me crying into bed

you and your weak fingers
shattered the glass in your hand
you had ahold of it
then let go of it
you let me go
you and your weak fingers
shattered the heart in my chest
you had ahold of me
then let go of me
you let go of me
you and your weak fingers

Did you ever really love me?
Did you love me when you asked?
Did you love me when you promised?
Did you love me when you held my hand?
Did you love me when you promised to marry me?
Did you love me when you left?
Did you love me when you came back?
Did you love me when you promised?
Did you love me when you held my hand?
Did you love me when you promised we'd be together forever?
Did you love me when you left?
Did you love me when you kissed her?
Did you love me when you came back?
Did you love me when you promised?
Did you love me when you stared at me?
Did you love me when you said I was precious?
Did you love me when you left?
Did you love me when you held her?
Did you love me when you promised her?
Did you love me when I left?

I'm starting to think you didn't love me at all