You will not just be living
But you will live
In our Father
Our daughter
And I
Will kiss you twice for every pill you have to swallow
And kiss you infinitely
When there's no more left
And I will kiss each aching bone
And I will kiss each straining muscle and
Dying nerve
And we will pray and pray
And she will say
"Daddy, you'll be okay"
And I will kiss you
And you'll know

A million fireflies
Clouds glowing
Growing eyes
Feet patter
Rain meets fire
I whisper as I go
Along I stride
In fear they hide
Yelling, smelling salts
Wake up
Shake up
Stand up
Rise
Beyond the gate lies
Lies
Goodbye
I make no sense
I write

She tries to write
But her efforts are in vain
But now that she's written,
She will never be the same
So she will keep writing
And making us blush
Because she tries, but she's failing
She's trying to be us

I was gone only a half an hour before a half an hour had passed.
I growled at the water, and all the things it carries away.
How I wanted to be carried away.

You told me once you got your first pay check this week, you were setting some of it aside for me.
For my ring.
When I kissed you it was soft and full of meaning. It poured through our lips into each other. When I pulled away, you didn't open your eyes.
"Don't" was all you could say. Unjustified, without explanation, it needed none. Your voice was quiet and passionate. It cracked a little.
I kissed you again and you were relieved.

"I am so in love with you" I whispered against your lips.
"I am so in love with you" you replied.
I kissed you again and you were relieved.

Occasionally I wonder
If He ever hears my cries
Then I begin to wonder
If I'll ever meet His eyes

Occasionally I wonder
If He ever hears my prayers
Did Jesus ever feel like
He was falling down the stairs?

Can you find the poet
In the sea of sunken faces?
Do you know where she would hide?
Can you think of any places?
She's the one who never speaks
Always worries, never paces
Can you find the poet?
Can you find her in yourself?

Can you find the faces
In the sea of flunking poets?
Do you know which ones are failing?
Do you think they even know it?
They're the ones who keep on trying
They are broken but they show it
Can you find the faces?
Can you find one for yourself?

About a thousand days from now
You and I can plan our vows
And until then I can wait
For my wanting to abate

I felt it when you slipped your hand into mine
You never wear rings
So I was off put by the silver chill on your fourth finger
I looked down
And cradled your hand in my lap
It was not yours, you were simply playing with it
But I lost all ability of thought or feeling as I stared
And saw the brown eyes of a little face peering back at me
She smiled and giggled wetly
Then turned and ran from me
Her curls bounced with each step

" what is it?" You asked
I stared at you
And saw your eyes and your curly hair
And saw my lottery, my gift, my prize
And I said "nothing" but no sound came from my lips

I placed my lips on the silver ring and inhaled the warmth of your hand

C     a     n     y     o     u     s     e     e     m     e     f
                                                               ­                     a
                                          ­                                               l
                                                               ­                              l
                                                                ­                                 i
                                                               ­                                       n
                        ­                                                                 ­                  g
                                                               ­                                                  ?
Can you hear me  CALLING?


Can              
                           ­                you
                                                                ­               see
                                                             ­                                         anything
               ­                                                                 ­ at
                                           all?
Just                                   find
                                                            ­                   your
                                                            ­                                              seat

             ­                                                                 ­ and
                                         watch

me f
          
             a
              
                      l

                               l

Tell me how to win you over
Tell me how to win at all
For now I shudder when I see you
And when you look, I see the wall

Tell me why the rest are taken
Tell me why I'm all alone
I was born to be your queen
But you're refusing me the throne

Ask me why I cradle pictures
Of your face, alone at night
Your too cold to hold me, kiss me
I'm too warm, I'm like sunlight

That little metal heaven
Where I felt you near me
That little metal heaven
Where I speak - no one can hear me

It's good to hear your blessings
You give when  others don't
It's good to know you love me
You speak when others won't

Sparks like jewels spinning towards the sky
With each kiss I felt myself saying goodbye
To sanity, to misery, to everything, to you
Not knowing if anything I'd ever said was true

This is the first time I've said goodbye
This is the first time I've left first
And let me be the first to tell you
It's the worst

If you read this
Let me know
If you're hurting
Let it show
If you read this
Let me know
If you're anxious
Let it go

There is no mountain
I cannot climb
With you beside me

Plucking flower petals
Never pleased me
They never loved me
They never do

If every flower petal
I've ever plucked
Could make a person
It might make you

Depression is - hopelessness. Sickening, dry, fat hopelessness that bores into you.

Anxiety is - being frozen to your chair, physically unable to stand, even if you wanted to.

Depression tells you to stop taking your pills, to stop eating healthy, to stop going to therapy, because none of it matters anyway and you should just quietly curl up into a ball and let yourself fall asleep forever.

Anxiety tells you to stop taking your pills, or maybe take all of them at once. To eat heathy, but eventually to stop eating altogether. To go to therapy and admit that you're just a lying **** - you're not sick, you just want attention. It tells you that you have no control and that it knows your heart better than you do.

is this the only way to make you better?
to build this wall of medication between us
frustrating you, infuriating you
you say you want to scream at everything
that includes me i suppose
i'd prefer screaming
it'd be better than this wall of silence
you can't talk to me
you can't be happy around me
you say it's the meds but i worry it's me
no matter what
i'd prefer screaming
at least you'd be saying something

Evil has left it's seed
I beat myself until I bleed
You still let me cry on your shoulder
Something inside you still tells you to
Hold her
Standing out in the cold
Feeling a thousand years old
Still feeling a lot like a child
I'm out of control -
I'm feeling wild
Evil has left it's seed
I beat myself until I bleed

Buried in sand
Inhaling, shaking
Tense embrace lulls me
You hold me
And forever
I feel Held.

If I am your home now -
Come home.

I've tripped in the middle of a race
And there's blood streaming down my face

**** among the grain
Let it grow
Let it go

In that darkness
Perfect darkness
You will be my little light
I can't see you
As we lay there
But I will hold you through the night

The second before your taillights disappeared around the bend of my road -
My voice escaped in the smallest sob of
"No."
Because it never hurt me more to watch you go

My life feels like a funeral without you here
He and I wander from place to place
Forever in black
When will you come back?
Everything is slow

New Year's is coming
And I hope you'll be there
Though you have to reason to
How will it be just us two?
It's been 9 years

You were my best friend then
Our best friend
And now you're gone
Has it really been that long?
How much more?

I realize now
You are a tree
That stands there quietly watching me
You're tall and green
And you can sing
Like a flock of birds
But do you trees know, how much this hurts?
How do you think I feel, my dear?
Among the weeds, just standing here
I water every root each day
I sing you songs along the way
I stroke your branches and don't whine
I tell you tales to pass the time
The time until you realize
Of the whole forest, but I am wise
Until you find that you love me
I'll just sit here singing
To my tree

Anxiety is - being afraid of the stranger in your therapist's waiting room, for no other reason than that he's a man.

The more I make you hate me
The more I hate myself

No matter what they believe
I have done what I can, what You've asked of me
And with your mercy
I can finally know peace

I am so in love with you that I'm drowning in it. It's filling my lungs and mouth and I can't say anything but I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

The bad thing about a poetry
IS THAT I CAN'T SCREAM IT
And the worst thing about poetry
Is that you won't see it

Red is the proof of life
No matter how pale our skin may be
No matter how black and empty our eyes
We know that when we bleed
There flows the proof of life

I used to think there were healthy people and sick people.
Turns out there are no healthy people at all.
Everybody's got something.
My husband sometimes can't walk. And he sometimes can't breathe. And he sometimes can't eat. And he sometimes can't speak.
What about yours?
Sometimes I can't think.
And I can't get up.
And I can't stop thinking.
And I can't sit still.
And I can't start.
And I can't stop.
And I can't hope.
And I can't forget.
And I can never remember.
And I can't live.
And I can't die.
And I can't remember why.
Sometimes I want to just blip out of existence, like I never took up space to begin with.
Sometimes.

What about you?

What about you?

Perfect wind
The perfect sin is nothing like the perfect crime
The perfect time
Is when I get to be with you - alone

Drowning, sputtering
Stuttering happiness
Clapping small hands
Handling chaos
Chaotic surroundings
But I feel like I'm drowning
In gratefulness
Thankfulness
Feels like I can't deserve
Any of this
I am happy
Finally

I am never rid of you and I never wish to be.

Temporary, yes.
But also forever.
Forever voices in my head.
Forever arguments.

Temporary relief, yes.
But never forever.