I may not know how to hold
my liquor or change a flat tire.
I don't know how to throw
a spiral, so I'll just chalk it up
to magic laces.

I have no idea how jet planes
work or how to solve equations.
I'm not so strong, and I know I'd
lose in a fight against
any one of your exes.

I'm afraid of spiders, bees
and grizzly bears, thrill rides,
ocean tides, and one day
dying alone. Hell, I'm scared
for next week.

I do know how to sew the holes
in your favorite pair of jeans.
I can make you some hot cocoa
because you can't stand coffee's
taste.

I know how AV cables work
and how to play Donkey Kong.
I'd rather fight with words
than fists but still, I'd prefer
to avoid conflict.

I'm not afraid of going broke,
disease or dying young,
holding hands on your grandma's
couch, or staying up too late.
I've got this life figured out

on a napkin in my car.
You don't have to be jacked,
high, popular, cool or rebellious,
angry, tough, or accepted
to live.

I bent my toes over the tub
like talons on a sunbaked branch
and clenched the curtain
in my gloved hands.

I sprayed Tilex on a scouring
pad and scrubbed the black mold
riddling the ceiling and caulked
edges of the shower like leprosy.

My lungs filled with nitrogen,
oxygen, and argon as well as
sodium hypochlorite and hydroxide,
spores, and mycotoxins.

I staggered backwards, trying
to find solid ground but found
only a dazed, curtain-wrapped
fall to the cold linoleum below.

A man stumbled over to Catherine’s car
and pounded on her window. She cracked it.
“W-welcome to New York. Want to buy a map?”
A cigarette filled in the large gap of missing teeth
in his smile, and the stench of alcohol ran over it.
The light changed, and Catherine sped off.
The man stepped backwards out of his sandals
and tripped on the curb. He landed in a pile
of garbage bags as Catherine readjusted
her mirror.
**Welcome to New York.

A woman watched her daughter
cry through the bottom of a shot
glass. As the last few drops of whiskey
passed her lips and tongue stud,
she closed her eyes tight and inhaled
the scent of cigarettes and Pledge.
Her daughter's spill tray was spotted
with tears, Cheerios, and formula
running down her chin like sweat.
The woman picked a giraffe baby
blanket up from the twisted carpet
fibers and swaddled her head, trying
to find silence. The baby screamed
louder, her face turning cranberry
red. The woman pressed her palms
hard against her covered ears
while sliding back on the couch, causing
her to kick the coffee table before her.
The shot glass rolled off and bounced
on the floor at her feet.

I'm studying my surroundings
because I don't want to throw a white
sheet over reality and lie about
what's underneath.

I'm fighting the urge to rhyme
because I don't want to have to mix
and wrench words to speak my mind.

I'm suppressing fits of profound speech
because I don't want to shift diction
to sound older or wiser than I am.

I set a table up outside
because I don't want to write inside
my head.

I'm tracing leaves, watching cars pass,
and sipping tea because I don't want
to guess.

High on Cateye and Ghost Sight,
I stumbled through the streets
of Salida del Sol beneath
the watchful eye of Father Elijah.

The roulette spinner cobblestones
clicked as my feet dragged
past the courtyard.

Like an effigy, the homemade martini
between my fingers burned
my gin-soaked lungs.

Sweat and vermouth settled
in the circuits of my collar
as I gasped for relief.

Hologram gamblers tossed golden
casino chips in dried fountains
as they strolled past me and through
the Sierra Madre's gates.

She intertwined her thick fingers
behind both shelves of the medicine
cabinet and embraced them clamorously
into the sink.

I.

Maybelline, Rimmel, and Revlon
now spotted with flakes of dried toothpaste
and ****** hair.

Just.

Her hands dove wrist deep into the pool
of glamor and acceptance before her
and emerged with scarlet lipstick.

Want.

She uncapped and carefully ran it across
her stiffened lips, accidentally coloring
her skin and the corners of her open mouth.

To.

She mashed a makeup brush into a jar
of powdered blush and swept it over
her cheekbones like a blood red sunset
overtaking a mountain.

Be.

With black tears running down her face
and staining her white shirt,
she reapplied her mascara.


**Beautiful.

She and I exchanged disdainful glances
across the parking lot. The verbally brash
invitation she gave me at 10:30 two nights
earlier from a low-riding car resounded
in my brain. She wanted our graduating class
to get together and sit awkwardly around
a campfire while a few reminisced
of homeroom and half days back in high
school. And as the last few embers glowed
like residence halls, she would clear
her throat and bash college. She’d denounce
the curriculum, professors, and parking spaces
then praise the days of hurrying through carpeted
hallways and freshmen traffic. To see our classmates
laughing with hands outstretched to the flames
would bring a smile to her summer-chapped lips.
But we’re no longer classmates.
We’re just seventeen people trying to live our lives
outside the confines of Galeton High School. Sure,
we’ll bite our tongues and fake smiles every now
and then, but we’ll never be more than superficial.

I’ve always wanted the artist lifestyle
even though I paint with words.
I’ve always wanted unfinished paintings
taking up space in an East Village apartment
with acrylic stains on a futon. I want those late
nights awake creating, making sure every idea
is brushed against a canvas’ grain before it’s swept
beneath my worries of utility bills and eviction
notices. I want to see possibility in everything,
and I want to push everything to its limits.
*I want to be so ******* close to the edge
that I could misstep and die at any moment.

I promised Nick I'd take him out
of Pennsylvania, away from evergreen
trees and our troubles. My car leaked carbon
monoxide, but never enough to ****
us. Where we lived, things never changed.
Two out of three stores open on Main Street,
two gas stations where people paid $3.64
a gallon just to leave, a grocery store
that never settled on a name, and a police
force with histories no cleaner
than their patrol cars. If you've taken Route 6
through, you've seen too much. We dreamt
of Lady Liberty raising her torch to the sunset
in defense of the Empire State, or simply to pluck
it like a musician playing for pennies
near Strawberry Fields from the sky.
The Big Apple, where people make art instead
of excuses and the brightest lights aren't fixed
atop police cars.

Years have passed since our dreams died in '13.
We're stationed at desks in different hemispheres
for different reasons. All he has left are his lonesome
thoughts and all I have are mine. It won't be long
before my pen becomes a serpent and strangles
me in my sleep or my butterscotch disks turn
to cyanide. I'll always hold steadfastly
to our dreams underground.

Nick, I promise you that one day, we'll make
it to New York.