From lips to neck
Neck to shoulders
Your body my lips caress
Nails dug into my back
Trying to bring me closer
Legs bare and running
Up down wrapped around me
My hands only managing to tame them
Your sighs of yearning
Growing louder
With every motion my body makes
Every notion of *** in the air
But here we are still dressed
We're only teasing
Slip of tongue
Pants are gone
******* soon following
My shirt torn
Fighting cloth only making our desires
So much more real
Cradle my kisses
Theyll be the reason your back arches
The reason you lay half naked
Begging for my **** to stop licking your ****
And penetrate you with full intent
Of making you moan
You know the deeper I go
The more times over you lose your virginity
Faster I go the more you tear
This is love making at its finest
Are you sure
You really want to cradle these kisses
Bc they be the reason we never leave this bed

I've left pieces of it
Not sure if the vultures
Picked at it
Leaving me stranded
In this forest of heartache
All I can do is keep going
Follow sunsets
Run from sunrises
At the end of every day
All I seem to do is pray
This crumbled heart Trail
Will either lead me to you
Or feed me to the wolves

Ctrl+
The first button
The start of total annihalation
The beginning
Of the deleting process
Shutting down my body
Sealing up my heart
This game of love ends

Alt+
The second button
Is anyone going to stop me
Im so confused
So conflicted
Yet I could end it all
With the simply pressing
Of this next button

Delete
Its done
The end of my poetry
The end of my life
Nothing left to use
As a coping mechanism
What have I done again
I failed didnt I?

Ctrl+Alt+Delete
The three stage process
That prevented the world
From knowing me
Oh well
I wasnt good at anything was I
**** it, call it selfish
Im pressing the "OK" button

You shot me with an arrow
It hurt like hell
But no amount of pain
Could even come close in comparison
With the pain I would feel
For the next several months
As the wound from your arrow
Never could heal

The woman I fell for
After your arrow shot me in my chest
Couldn't reciprocate those emotions
And you wasted your last arrow on me
Cupid, you cruel *******
Why did you make me suffer?
Why did you shoot me with that arrow?

You see I wrote her
A total of 46 poems
Almost 100 love letters
Sent her 38 Valentines cards
And it wasn't even Valentines day
It was the middle of June

Cupid, you cruel *******
You put me through 8 months
Of pure undesirable hell
And every night
I contemplated your ******
But then something happened

I fell out of love with her
And fell in love with somebody else
I don't write to her as much
I haven't wrote her a single love letter
And the reason being
She doesn't love me anymore

Cupid, you cruel *******
I have cracks in the cracks of my heart
I have flaws in the way it beats
I hate you and what you symbolize
I hope you rot where I put you

See I realized this thanks to you
That I'm better off alone
No one to love
And no one to love me
Its better for me and other people
If they don't grasp my heart again

Shows over already?
Wasn't much of one to start
Bad comics cheap wine
Why the hell did I pay for this
Call the curtains
Let them fall
You wouldn't have survived me
So lets rewind
And let the events we witnessed
Be a path we never took

Tiny white pill
Extravagant relief after pain
Burning sensation down my throat
Like I swallowed lava
Foam erupting from the pores on my tongue
Heart slowing
Tiny white pill
I knew you were powerful
Great relief you have brought me
In this death

Writers block has struck once again, **** I hate this

Grab my hand
Go on take it
Let me take you away from this place
Step away from the edge
Together we can dance under the moon
Dancing in the moonlight
Might take your mind off things
Relieve your teary eyes
Please come with me
And let's go dancing
The way old couples do
Just with a bit more romance
Take my hand
Grab it and never let go
Dance with me in the moonlight
I love you

Cold, still, and stale air
Nothing in sight
Eyes are wide open
Suffocating in this darkness
An oblivion worst than death
Its a darkness
Hidden within your soul
Its a black hole
In your chest
When the person you love
Walks out the door
And it plays out like a movie
Slow motioned anime
Everything doesnt feel real
The cold tears frozen in place
From the eternal darkness
That is our missing pulse

When I go to sleep
Holding you in my arms
Kissing you
Dreaming of you

Waking up to your smile
Kissing you
Telling you good morning
I just want to lay here with you

Days I dont want to get out of bed
Because your in my arms
Laying with me
And we are safe and at peace

I love you baby
I dont ever want to get out of bed
Being with you
Is today and tomorrows excitement

I dont wanna wake up
If your not in my arms
I dont want to sleep
If I cant dream of you

Your the world to me
And I dont wanna let you go
So please dont leave
Dont ever leave this bed

Stay with me
Till we are old and crippled
Times like this with you
I dont want to get out of bed

I walked this road for so long
It's been 16 years
Since I have rested
Feels like I've been tested
For all these years
This highway I walk
Has many shadows
Too many twist and turns
Every car that passes by
Just zooms right on by
As vultures stalk above
I grow weary
Would it be easier to end my life
Or just see if this road
Is a dead end highway
Every step is impossible
Every second is unbearable
I walk carrying the tools
To finish what this highway started
I walk and walk
Passed graves
Homeless people begging for money
Passed lovers kissing
Passed newlyweds
Passed mattress stores
And I know I walk this highway alone
No one to hold my hand
No one to stop my feet
No one
Not a soul
Not a heart
Nothing to save me
Before I create the end
To this god forsaken highway
I will force myself
To meet the end

I know this might hurt your feelings
I know I'm the only hope to save this family
My success is just the beginning
Yet I can't hold every responsibility
I have feelings too
None of which are good
I've contemplated suicide
I've even attempted
Yet here I am
Writing you again
This time publically
To hope that you can understand
I hate this life
I hate being me
I hate being the only one of four
To actually see the 12th grade
To actually have colleges chanting my name
Because they know I'll be in a dorm sooner or later
Grandma I wish you could see the man
All my darkest dreams and thoughts have made me
I'm partially human
Yet I still wake up every morning
Plaster on a smile
And say I love you
Even if it is in a text
You're all I have left in this god forsaken world
Well unless you want to include Natalie
I haven't talked to her in a while
But I hope she's doing well
Grandma when do I get to say I'm home
You were always the one to give me advice
Help me now
I'm lost and only going down
I want something poetry can give me
A sense of freedom
I know I'll be 18 in February
But I'll just want my youth back
I'll want the world I once knew back in my reach
I want the *** the drugs the alcohol
The constant screams I'd wake up to
Even if they were my own
I want all the faces of every girl I've been with
Screaming at me how much they hate me
I want their hands around my throat
In and out of reality
Grandma I hope you can understand I'm no longer
Just the successful one
I'm the one that wants what nobody understands
Because they all want to embrace my success
As if it were their own
                                       Sincerely,
                                           Your Grandson,
                                               Robert L. Guerrero

Why are you broken
Gasping for air
Beating to a silent rhythm
Bruised from the constant pounding
My dear heart
Why are you at my feet
You belong in hands
Tender enough to care for you
Why is your speech so slurred
My dear heart
This letter is for you
I wish you had a better owner
I'm sorry doesn't cut it
But I'm sorry for the pain
I so blindly put you through
I'm sorry your lungs have failed
I wish we could of lived together
Peacefully and with one mind
My dear heart
Rest in Peace
I'll let your ghost read this
I'll place it in my chest
So you can haunt this body
And read this letter
I so know had to write you
To say I'm sorry

You see mom
Im not totally helpless
I have watched
For the last 16 years
How you have changed
How this family has changed
But what you dont see
Is that I bleed
That I cry inside
Thinking, hoping to escape
Escape the hell this home has come to be
Escape the constant reminder
We are not a family
You see mom
I have my talents
I have been observing everyone
Every little thing
Just to gain more knowledge
And I want you to see
I want you to know
Mom Im 17 now
Im not that little kid
Who called for you when dad wasnt home
When I had nightmares
Mom please realize this
I wish you would stop
Stop for a minute and look
Look and see the man I have become
Look at the man you helped raise
Sure Im not the greatest
But you were the inspiration
To make a better me
Mom let go
And let me wander off
See the world for what it is
Not the way you have described it
I know this world is hard
And that life will get harder
But how am I to face that challenge
When you are here
Holding me back
Holding me prisoner in a home
That has become almost unbearable
Mom I love you and dad
But face it
Ever since the others left
Got kicked out
They forgot me
They dont bother to call me
Just to say hi
Im not happy
And I know thats what you and pops what for me
But how can I obtain it
You see mom
Even at night
I hear you get up
I hear you at night
I know you have trouble sleeping
So do I
You think I dont know anything
That I dont know what goes on
But even when you hear the music blarring
I can still hear you and dad
Fighting over the little bit of money we have
Yeah I know this poem os a little personal
But hopefully you will wake up
Realize IM NOT A LITTLE KID ANYMORE
I have matured faster than any of the others
I know where Im going
Where it is I want to go
And thats all thanks to you
You were home when pops wasnt
You were there when I came home from school
Sure we have our differences
But thats because
Well its obvious
You dont let me do the things I want
The things that will better me
I want to make my own mistakes
Learn from them on my own
Im tired of observing
Im tired of learning from others
I want to lear on my own
Can you please find it within you
To give me a chance
Let me take a chance at falling
Picking myself up
And dusting myself off
I dont need you to clean my face
Every time I have a smudge on it
Im a young man now
17 not 4
Remember that please
I love you
Your the only mother I truly ever had
Thank you!
I do apprecate you for that

I wish I could go back in time
Tell you all the things I learned
At the time I wrote this
Remember that poem you wrote me
When we were just a young dumb
Teenage kid trying to figure life out
That never changed unfortunately
Just got older
Even more responsibilities
Remember how badly you wanted a family
All to yourself
Do all the things your mom and dad
Didn't do with you
Relive some of those memories
The pleasant ones you did have
You had the opportunity
But you chased that dream
With the wrong girl
The only victory reward you got
Was that beautiful little girl
We named before we even had her
The compliments of how beautiful
Her smile and energy is
Really baffles me
I know she didn't get it from her mom
Even though me and you tried
We still can't measure up
To how awesome she is
I wanted to thank you
That younger version of myself
For not taking your life
Even though it was a constant option
We fought nearly everyday
And now to the older version of me
I hope when you read this
If ever you get the opportunity
I'm sorry
For being so reckless
With the life younger me
Fought to save
7 car wrecks
Broken bones and titanium rods
A house you rent
With your closest friend
We might not have had anything then
But slowly we've moved up
I won't stop living
Even though the option is there
I still fight it from time to time
Just like being able to see
That precious little smile
Calling for her daddy
I can't promise you tomorrow
All I can do
Is hope by the time you read this
We've gotten more of what we wanted
What we really needed
And I know the me now
Doesn't want love
Yet I hope it found you
Pulling you further away
From the abyss
We found ourselves in today
That tattoo on your right hand
A tribute to younger us
A reminder for older us
We're just one memory away
From never existing
And hey Rob
Quick little side note
Even as much as I hate us
I still love us
For the friends we made along the way
Tell them a younger version of you
Said hello and thanks for sticking around
Through all the crazy dumb ****
We seem to have gotten away with

Remember when you were just a kid
How you would sit on the beach for hours
Waiting for the Sun to finally set
Sleep on the beach
Because you were tired from the day
Remember how you would get chased
By the girls at your Elementary school
Hahah you had good times
Till you found out and could really understand
That the woman who lived in your house
Who always sent you off to school
Who kissed you good night
Who told you she loved you
Remember how you felt
How you grew so angry
Because the truth was that this woman
Wasn't your real biological mother
Your real one abandoned you
She left you at 13 months old
Left in the middle of the day
In *****, soiled diapers
She would pass out from the alcohol
Crash from the high
That the drugs gave her
Leaving you hungry for hours
Waking up when your father came home
Or her drug dealer wanted something in return
Just because she didn't have the money
Remember all of those things
Remember when you met her for the first time
She asked your stepmom
"Who is that? Is that Jr?"
Yeah it was you
Grown up and matured
Remember the thought that passed through your mind
How can she not know who the ******* are
Remember how angry you were
See I know all of this because
Well simply put I am you
I am 17 years of age
I want you to remember the way you were
Because with age comes wisdom
And I have been privelaged enough
To have a good sense of observation
I have become very wise
Well we have become very wise
See I miss those times
When we would ride our skateboard
Or try to blow things up with a firecracker
Hahaha remember those times
Look I don't know if you remember all of this
But if you ever get a chance to read this
Know that I hate us
I hate all of the darkness
I hate every poem I write
I hate everything I think about
Simply because the darkness is towards her
The poems are written for nobody but somebody
And the things I think about
Keep me up well into the late hours of the day
Robert
I hope you get a chance to read this
Because this poem may be the last
You may never get a chance to read this
Because I hate the fact that I have so much pain
So much of useless emotions
And I am tired of dying within words
Written on a piece of paper
I want to embrace death
So hopefully one day you will read this
Even if you come back in a different life
As somebody or somehing else
Just read at least one line of this
So the past doesn't repeat itself
I hope you can forgive me
                                               Sincerly,
                                                     Robert Guerrero

You've been in two car wrecks since your 18th birthday
You've had 1 girlfriend and 6 flings
1 more girl in your life
That's driven you mad with love
Yet to far away to reach
What's happened to you
The I don't give a **** attitude
Not caring whether you lived or died
Yet here you are hoping you have a purpose in life
Just because you got into another wreck
Guess life goes on
But your life: Seriously needs to ******* end
The cracking and popping of joints
To old in this youthful body
Eyes never smiling yet your lips do
The only time you seem to be happy
Is when you have a blunt
Or a nice bottle of jacks
Maybe you should have listened to the first letter
Just let go and disappear
Nothing left to tie you down
Yet everything seems to hold you back
The curiosity of what tomorrow brings
What new pains can e felt
What new joys can be tested
As if we lived in a science lab
Dude just give it up
I'm the only voice of reason you have
The one voice screaming in a crowded area
You Have No Life To Live
It's only the frail fragments if sanity
You cling to thinking tomorrow will be better
Might as well have died in those wrecks
But you seem to hold on
Your body is falling apart
All those people told us
When your life feels like its falling apart
It might be falling into place
Yet do you see a place for us to fit
Your fat *** can barely get into the back of a mustang
You can't even wear a seatbelt
So at least you have some sense
**** yourself through somebody else's error right
Failed miserably the first few times we tried
We aren't gods yet it feels like it
Refusing to cave in
Rejecting the possibility that we will die
Hell man just ******* do it
You have a 12 gauge by your  bedside
You have enough extension cord to tie a noose
We both know the trees around here are sturdy
You have your life
I have mine inside your head
The evil little voice
Everyone warned you about
The one they say will haunt you
But take a quick look back in the past
I think you can determine the future
All alone no one to love you
Just me and the other guys up here chilling
We don't love you
We're the ones forced to be here by your every thought
Might as well quit while your sober
That way when your high
You'll regret not giving up sooner

I'm tired of this
Every open window
You peer through
Becomes doors swung open
Just to slam in your face
When you get to the threshold
No singular heart
Can possibly sustain
This much agony at once
Why is it trial and error
With every passing face
Heart too big
If you tried to ****
Somehow it would manage
Locating a rhythm
Deeper than any machine
Could hope to detect
It's always move on
She's around the corner
Be a gentleman
Do what they never had done
Managing never to be
More worthy than anyone
You stand beside me
I can't compare
To what she wants
Or what she desires
I'm not the happy middle
I'm the lost cause
Still trying to find
That one heart
That will cradle mine
Long into the silent hours
That taunt me with exhaustion
Plague me with insomnia
If this doesn't end
I might have to
Ceasing a human existence
Just to see how hard I'll be then
To either love or be loved
Admired for positivity
When I'll simply
Focus on only doing
No doing
Void of desire and need
I'll drop dead
From malnutrition in heart mind and body
But they won't care
They got what they chased
I got used without realizing
My dysfunction is a disorder
They'll never cure
It's fool
Hopeless dreamer in the art
Of giving thought a second chance
That for once
I'll be adequate finally
Dear Self
I hope you found her
The messiah to your idiocy
The blessing behind your faith
Maybe you didn't give up
Perhaps you did
Either outcome
Your bound to catch hell
I'm not the type to please
I'm the pleasing type

I'm your father
I want you to read this very carefully
I want you to understand something
I love you
I will always be proud of you
I'm 17 years old now
You are just a thought
You do not exist yet
But I want to tell you this now
Just in case I never come home again
I love you
I want you to know
I wish I could be there for your birthday
Wrap the presents on Christmas
Give you the keys to the car
When you're on your first date
I want to give you the money
So you can buy whatever you want
But if circumstances arise and conflict that
Know my dear son
I love you
I will be watching over you
You are a Guerrero
A warrior
So bear through the obstacles
Stay in school
Get good grades
Don't make the mistakes I have made
Love ever minute of your life
It's fragile and still young
I want to watch you get married
Become the man I never was
Son I love you
You have made me proud
And you haven't even been born yet
Nor have I even consummated with your mother
But I want you to know
I am a part of you
I want you know nothing of me
Just know I am your father
That I love you
That I am proud of you
Son you have a bright future
Just never let anybody say you are worthless
Don't fight with your mother
She loves you
She had to adjust to taking care of you
I wish you never have to read this
Because if you do
Then that means I am deceased and gone
But know I love you
I wish I could be there to give you the things
I was never blessed with
I want you to know
I have been through a lot
And my biggest mistake I will make
Is not being there for you
When you come out of your mother
I want to cry when I see you
I want to hold you
I want to tell you I love you
Look into your eyes
And say "You're a better man than I"
Son I  love you
Never stop moving
Go forward and turn the world upside down
You made me proud
Long before you were born
Because you are my son
And I know you will go farther than me
Because you know I love you
Son Ti amo
Ask your mom what that means
You're not alone
I'm in your veins
I'm every breath you take
I'm you because you are me
You're my son
So son, go far
When it feels like a dream
That's when it is real

                                                 Sincerely, Your Father,
                                                              Robert L. Guerrero

P.S. I love you
Good night
Sweet dreams
Tell your mom I love her
Tell her good night for me

I have been debating on a name
Worthy of your existence
A reflection on your sweet youth
But I fear every name that comes to mind
Would only degrade how beautiful you are
I may not ever be the father
Every child wishes they had
I might not even get the chance to be your father
But know that I loved you
Long before you were conceived
I loved you first
You will always be the angel
I wish I had the privilege of holding first
I wish I could watch as tears fell from your mothers eyes
I wish I could have been the father you deserved
But I wrote several letters to you
And not once have the words
Ever came out clear
To tell you in such a short message
That I love you
I still don't know your name
But one day I hope I get to know it
Watch you blossom from womb to woman
Every flower had it's beginning
I'm glad you started with a poem
Maybe one day I'll be the man
Walking you down the aisle
Taking you to your dance recitals
Or whatever it may be you're into when you're older
I just hope you don't become a poet like me
I'd like for you to make your mark on history
A hell of a lot more memorable than mine

                                                 Sincerely,  Your "one day" Father,
                                                         ­            Robert Guerrero

Its a long list of things I'd like to say
But none can match up
To the fact that we no longer talk
For reasons I dont care for
I was the only one with feelings
And you misguided me
Held my hand and lied to me
Told me you felt the same
But when push came to shove
Light bulbs went out
Breakers were turned off
And every square mile
Lost power in your heart
My idiocy led me to believe
It could still work
Candles I lite
Just to find my way to you
But nothing was enough
We waged war against each other
I fought to show you
Feelings can travel any distance
Its the effort of reaching
That's too much for you
It doesn't matter anymore
This will be my last poem to you
You're a weight on my mind
Wondering if you're ok
If work has been any better
If you still think of me
I want to say I dont care
In reality I would be lying
You drove me crazy for 3 years
Even when I couldn't talk to you
Or when I failed to keep a promise
I have done nothing but love you
And that was my fault
You'll probably tell I'm not to blame
Dont worry, I still have conversations
With your voice in my head
And sure that makes me sound insane
But we both already knew
That's what made me a better writer
If I could change anything
It would be the distance
That kept us apart for so long
Yet when finality of words comes
So to does my last I love you
I've written you a total of 8 letters
Each I burned
Because the phrase up in smoke
Applied for 3 years worth of love
Of tears you shed that I couldn't wipe away
Of lonely nights I couldn't get you through
Of restless days when the weight
Of everything took its toll
Maybe it really is best for a final goodbye
For one last poem
One last sign
That my feelings were true
But with every passing second
I realize everything was just a lie
You never really loved me
You had to love the idea of me
There's not much to love in me
Its all violence and chaos
Desolation within twisted compulsions
That always seem to throw me back
Into the lions den of emotions
Tabitha, I still have your number
Its written on every wall in my head
I memorized it so I wouldn't forget
That on the other line of that number
Was a voice repeating simple
You're crazy
And the way you tried to go ghetto
When you're as white as mayo
I really hope everything is at its best
I'm sure it got better with me gone
And I didn't forget your birthday
I just didn't want to bother you
I figure me gone
Makes a happier you
So its time for me to go


Sincerely,
                  Robert L. Guerrero

I heard all your screams
I listened to your stories
I rolled with the struggles
Yet here you are
Refusing to acknowledge my existence
Depressed as I am
And you make my loneliness
Even stronger every minute of the day
So here is a letter
To mark my suicide
That your selfish actions led to
I called several people
But it's late in the night
Phones are off
Sound asleep
As I race through thoughts
Through memories
Hoping one of them could save me
But I just lie here
Blade sharp
Bottle half empty
Nuse tied tight
Pistol loaded
All I'm waiting for is a reply
A letter back
That someone will listen
But that could be ages from now
Time I don't have
Dreams I will never achieve
So I bid you farewell
As I try and end this hell
To live in a world where
I truly am loved and never ignored
Because I will be the only face
In the darkness of death
So good night
Sweet dreams
Live happily without me
          
           Sincerly,
               Robert Guerrero
               12-12-12

A forgotten ramification
Brutal yet honest
10000 volts
40cc
Ready, aim, fire
Fill my veins with death
Challenge any god
If ever your blood soaks my hands
I ask for all three
Living without you
Would only be a waste of oxygen
So kiss me goodnight
I’ll hide you in my drawer
My sweet surrender
My half ounce of Mary Jane

Remnants of how it used to
Fresh flowers still blooming
There couldn't have a been a better time
I smiled and forgot what it was like to be insane
I had love, joy, and peace
A worlds dream
Bundled in the gleam of your eyes
When cheesy lines
Carried countless passengers
Between cellular service
These scars bleed again
Because questions befell me
How does one explain
To ones many minds why you disappeared
I couldn't put a finger on it
So I called for a self destruction
Initiated after you couldn't talk to me
About how I felt
How you feel
Am I supposed to just lay on my back
Play puppy while my hearts being stomped on
By invisible feet
I don't want to play games
"I miss you"
You shouldn't miss me
I wasn't there
I was just another voice in the background
Waiting for my turn to talk to you
I titled this decaying
I'll tell you why
My loving, caring side is decomposing
You hung it out to rot
And still refuse to give it the life
It so desperately needs
That lays on your breath
Formed by your lips

You have tears of joy
Tears of sorrow
And tears of loss
Yet these snowflake shadow tears
Decay like rotting corpses
Age old victims
To tiresome eyes
Bags packed ready to board
Flights that will lift these burdens
Take away the heavy luggage
Lose it in transit
Forget it as decaying tears
Finally regain their life
As they crash into mountains
Of feathered pillows
Finally getting the rest they truly deserve

You know that feeling
Like life just aint worth it
Like love is just killing you
Well when your deceased
Write me a letter from the grave
Because Im already dead
Through and through
So I'm through
Don't bother marking my grave
Because I met it
Not long after my heart
Which died ages ago

I watched as roads slick
With the tears of angels
Catch fire to loved ones
Twisted metal and hollow eyes
Screams of drunken lips
Helpless to the chaos before them
I'll sip on my coke
My monster energy
Watch you all laugh and play
Drink to your hearts content
Shout with tears of the troubles you seen
Then stutter I love you's and I'm sorry's
Wasted before me
A helpless child caught in a torrent
Beer in each hand
Alcohol brewing in your torso
I'm that guy in the back
Hitting on all theses drunkards wives
Even the single ladies I find attractive
Only teasing to keep myself occupied
Afraid of what horrors may come
Driving off into the rain
A shadow looms
Your fate a sealed envelope
A written book before its published
A prelude to another tragedy
My friend I'm the designated driver
Come sit in my '91 Chevy S10
Leave your keys behind the counter
I'll take you where you need to go
If you prefer I'll drive your vehicle
Give me a ride back in the morning
I'll stay the night if I have to
Let me take you in my arms
Shake your hand and tell you your safe
I never again want to see the bodies
Holding tightly to a bumper
Wrapped around light poles
Strippers for deaths entertainment
Scattered remnants on a three year old child
I'll fight the temptation
Free beers and all the shots I can have
Just to see a stranger safe at home

For a kid with the name Aledro things get difficult
I'm a bully at my high school
I don't play any sports
Even though the coaches want me
I'm 6'3" and 246 lbs
I lift 500lbs with no problem
But instead I pick on kids like grape vines
I don't mean to be mean
I'm just trying to take out my own emotions
Show somebody that I have feelings too
Yet when nobody listens I turn violent
I've gave some kid a wedgey so bad
His ******* ripped
I almost drowned some kid in the toilet
Broke a kids nose
I wish I could take it all back
Tell them I'm sorry
But they ended up killing themselves

17 years old I could go to jail
Honestly I wish the cops would take me now
I'm a murderer not just a bully
I made somebody else's life worst
When I tried making mine better
Guess I'm a failure
Needing more than pills and a counselor
I wonder how long my name will last in these pages
I doubt it everyday a murderer writes his name in here

Not much else to say
I wrote a letter to my mom, my dad, the principle, and the parents
Of all those kids I bullied
The very ones that died
Even wrote letters to all the kids I still bullied
It wasn't long
Just an apology and saying what I've done
Also where they could find my body
When it drifts back to shore
After these pills, this blade, and this gun
Drift me off to that special place in hell
I know the devil kept warm for me

I'm 23 as of today
It was suppose to be special
Because the father I never knew
Was suppose to come today
He said he wouldn't miss it for the world
And come to find out
He traded me in for a six pack
Some 26 year old *****
Out for only the money he stockpiles
In every pocket he can find

I lived a poor life
With my mom working two jobs
Barely able to pay the bills
Me quitting school
Even though she hated the idea
Me getting a job as a landscaper
At the age of only 13
Here I am working plants now
Crying because he promised

I had to raise my three siblings
Watch my baby brother die
Because his little heart wasn't strong enough
5 years old and he faded
Disappeared like our father
He says he left for that reason
But he was out the door
4 years before we even knew

How am I suppose to be the man
Of this already vacant house
When there was never a man to teach me
That being a man was sticking it out
Through thick and thin
No crutches and no lies
Just a god we pray to on Sundays
And a lie we live through the week
I can never say I'm strong
I still break down and cry
When I see my brothers footprints
Tattooed on my mothers chest
When I see his name on my arm

They say lessons are learned
Through the mistakes we make
Yet I'm learning more from everybody else's
Rather than stumbling and catching myself
I've watched my younger sister
Sell herself for $50
My younger brother go off to high school
My baby sister crying because nobody can help her
I'm lost and beaten down
I've tried protecting her
Yet I'm too weak to protect myself

My mom says she named me angel
Because I was her gift from god
Yet I know I'm the spawn of Satan
Always working
Always being the role model
I'm the most damaged one
On every possible edge known to man
Only centimeters from the cliffs
When does enough become enough
When do I get to rest
And engulf myself in throw away girls
You know the ones who you ****
Then watch walk out the next morning
Kind of like my younger sister
But she has her own life
Her own special "medication"
Her ritual to relieve her pain
While I'm stuck working 12 hour days
6 days a ******* week
Where church comes first on the 7th day
I want to disappear
But how would my mother feel
My brother my little sister
All those depending on me
Maybe this is the feeling of a man
The feeling a father gets
When things get too rough
Backs in the corner
No left hooks or right jabs to escape
Just alcohol and the flight plan
Where nothing else matters when you go
Leave everything at the door

I haven't had a girlfriend
Yet I've had *** twice
I don't know how I managed that
I've pulled my mother out of debt
Saved us from getting evicted
Even started a fund for my brother to go to college
I'm just hoping I can be as good as a father
As I am a brother and a son
I just wish I could tell every one
Through all the struggles
All the abandonment and self hate
I can still smile for those I love
Their what matter the most
Even when we get mad at each other

Dear diary...
Scratch that.
I'm a grown man
Lived by the cross
Saw only sins
On this hooded streets
Bat caves of corpses
Under every bridge
Leading out of this joint
How do you get out
When your a prisoner
Serving 50 years on the streets
You become institutionalized
Watching young bloods
Becoming trees lush with potential
Get cut down by lumberjack uzis
Lost my wife and son
Drive by in the night sky
Shooting stars piercing her belly
Never even got to see his face
Didn't get the chance
To show him how to be a real man
Ten times better then his pops
Couldnt watch him grow up
How is that fair
Refused to marry again
What's the use
When bloodlines go extinct
Dinosaurs like me
Are a rare breed
Makes you wonder
What an old man rocking in his chair
Did to earn his freedom
I sold lies
Buried secrets in skulls
Then let them sink
So the fish can taste the filth of humanity
My name was Jesus.
No Christ but never was close
Confessed only once
But that was to a bottle
Popped so many pills
Almost saw hell
You learn something along the way
Death ain't the answer
Violence and warfare
Become the only thing we know
I wish I would have stayed in school
Thought I was cool
Smoking herbs and chasing tail
Reality caught up
When my homie took sail
Drug deal gone wrong
Still pour a shot for him
Everytime I play our favorite song
All I have left is a reflection
Too broken to understand
Why the good lord hasn't taken me

I've noticed most kids date their entries
I'm not
I refuse to keep tract of which day
******* hits the fan
Like freight trains on a one way collision course
With biochemical waste
By the way the names Joshua

Just yesterday my dad called me queer
That I'm no longer his son
Just because I'm gay
He doesn't understand
I was born this way
And listening to Lady Gaga's song doesn't really help
It just ****** him off
And leaves me in the corner of my room
Crying because nobody understands me
Every gay person at school is in the closet
Afraid of the criticism
Afraid of run ins with the jocks

Diary I kissed a guy today
We were alone in the gym bathroom
He eyeballed me down
It was after P.E
We were taking showers and he kissed me
I wanted so much more
But we knew that was unlikely
We scheduled a date later on in the week
I think things might be turning around for me

I was wrong
I WAS SO ******* WRONG
HE PLAYED ME
I WAS JUST A PAWN IN HIS STUPID GAME
HIM AND HIS FRIENDS
HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND A BABY
THEY BET HIM $40 JUST TO DO IT
That ******* ******* will get it

So when I calmed down yesterday
I thought of all the ways I could get back at them
ALL OF THEM
The jocks, the cheerleaders, the whole school body
And I figured it out
There is a farm by my house
Maybe a mile down the road
I can **** a goat
Take the blood and write each and every one of their names
On the gym floor
They all think I'm satanic already
So I figured I throw in some Latin
Make a pentagram and slit my wrist
That should scare the hell out of them
I'll watch from my special place in hell for this

So I'm almost done with all my work
I don't know how I'll get rid of you diary
You have a gothic look to you
So if they see you
They'll think its some satanic book
Well goodbye diary
You're the only one thing that understood and listened to me
I wonder why that is
I guess I'll never know

I guess you wouldn't see this everyday
A 43 year old man writing in a diary
But hell what other choice do I have
See a shrink
Talk my problems out

So I'll give you the details
My names Karl 43 yrs old
Divorced 5 times
7 children I barely get to see
Kids mothers think I have manic depression
Judges took my supervised visitation rights away
Because I had a mental breakdown
Ended up in the psych-ward for a month
I'm working three jobs
Little Ceasers, Raising Canes, and a handyman
I'm living in my moms basement
Paying rent out the ***
Even though I'm barely here
You tell me if I've had it rough
My dad drank himself to death
Beating my mother and me
My older brother died during service
My younger sister is a crack fiend
And I've spent more money on her
To stay in rehab than I have on clothes
For both me and my kids
I've been recently cutting
I saw my oldest do it
When I confronted him
He said it relieved the pain
He was right
Still feels wrong
I just wonder when enough is enough
When you finally give up
I've been a devoted Christian
Yet I've never seen the end of it
The constant pain
The endless torture of reality
Hell would be my heaven right now
I have no friends
I don't have a single clue
Where my life went to
But I'm sure it's heading nowhere fast
Thought about ending it
But the picture of me and my kids
Always seems to stop me cold
I just wish I could say I'm sorry
That I wish I could be a better father
A more devoted husband
But how can I do any of that
When the woman I've been with
Only wanted my wallet more than my heart
I don't even remember the smell of cologne
I guess I'm just rambling
But how old do you need to be
To die from a broken heart

March 10, 2009
This is my first entry in this diary
My name is Landon
I have one brother
He is the idol of the family
I have to be exactly like him
But I'm nothing in his shadow

March 15, 2009
Story of my life
My girlfriend dumped me
For her best friend
She really broke my heart
I have scars to prove it

March 23, 2009
My dad just beat me again
He said I should of been aborted
He says I'm the reason for his alcoholism
He blames me for my moms death
She died in a car wreck
I was crying in the back

April 5, 2009
I have really nothing left to fight for
My teachers try to help me
They just don't understand my life
Even when I try to explain it
But every body thinks I'm exaggerating

April 7, 2009
Just found out my grandma died
She was the only person I honestly loved
She would bake me cookies
They were the best
She knew how to make me smile
And now she's gone

April 14, 2009
My dad just tried killing me
He choked me half to death
I hate my life
Bet nobody will miss me if I ended it
Maybe I should

April 15, 2009
Best friend talked me off a ledge
I love his crazy ***
He is always there for me
I'm glad he is there for me
Dude is my brother

April 20, 2009
My ex just came to talk to me
She wants me back
Her best friend cheated on her
I told her yes
Maybe that was a mistake

April 24, 2009
Relationship...FAIL
Life...WASTE
FML
Best friend isn't around to help me
I just cut myself again
Whoops got blood on the paper

December 16, 2009
Sorry I haven't written in a while Diary
People probably would think this is gay
For a guy to be writing in a diary
But your the only thing that can listen
To everything I have to say
Quick update though
Nothing has gotten better
Everything has gotten worse

January 1, 2010
I fell in love with a goddess!
She is the best thing that could happen in my life
She is a poet and wrote the most beautiful poem I have ever read
She called me her perfect, beautiful demonic curse
She loves me too
I'm...happy...this is what it feels like huh?

February 14, 2010
I just went on a date with my girlfriend
Came home to my dads fist
It was suppose to be a good day
And an even better evening
She doesn't even know what goes on in my life
I don't want to bring her into this hell

February 20, 2010
She said I was being distant
She asked for an explanation
I told her I couldn't tell her
For her I wasn't going to tell her
She asked if there was another girl
I told her I was loyal like a ******* puppy dog
She still ended up breaking up with me

I just can't do anything right

April 2, 2010
I almost killed myself yesterday
I know it was April Fool's day
But I'm not joking
I'm planning my death I'll keep you posted when I decide
Diary...I love you.

June 14, 2010
I think in about two days I will be prepared
To end my life
Best friend is gone and I can't get a hold of him
Mother is dead and it's my fault according to my father
Father is an alcoholic
Brother doesn't want to listen to me
Nobody cares anymore

June 16, 2010
This will be my final entry
Diary, I'm sorry but I can't take it anymore
I already have 47 different pills ready to take
A 45 locked and loaded
Ready to scatter these unbearable thoughts across prison walls
I already slit my wrist again
Goodbye my friend
I love you

This is Landon's story
A kid that committed suicide
He was 16 years old
He died June 16, 2010
Time unknown
Don't let this be you
I don't want to write your name
Into the Diary of Broken Souls

I was never one for diaries
Just the average kid trying to survive
Even though I really didn't want to
My names Porsche
I'm 17 and I guess it's time I told my story

My dad is an abusive drug dealing alcoholic
Surprised he hasn't got shot on the streets
My brother is a crack head
He decides to beat me behind everybody's back
I used to get locked in closets for hours on end
Mom would always take me out and clean me up
Just before the drunk got home

I used to be fat and staid to myself
I didn't have friends growing up
I was fine with it
That's how I wanted it
Girls at school would pick on me
They'd call me fat and ugly
Just like my parents would do

I tried shrinks and counselors
They diagnosed me as PTSD
Pills started becoming my best friends
I didn't want to be apart of reality
After all reality was me never being happy
Being beaten for being me
Having emotions was almost illegal

My parents divorced
Wish I could of divorced this life
But I was told I was beautiful
Something I never heard before
And *** became the way I thought showed love
Another thing I was never apart of

Kids starting calling me "Whorsche"
When they did I just pulled down my sleeves
So they didn't see the scars they were leaving
Mom said it was a release
So I figured I would try it
Suicide was always an option
Just to opt out of another painful session of life

I tried having friends
But they were just sell outs
They told everybody my darkest secrets
The very ones I didn't want to be told
I guess it's my own stupid fault
Trying always leads to failure

I soon found other drugs in my life
Freshman year I was the sick looking kid
Pale skin with a corpse smile barely glued together
Sophomore year the pill popping stopped
I got kicked out of my dads
I told him I was pansexual
He thought I meant lesbian
So when I tried explaining it
He grabbed me by my neck
Which he caused some permanent nerve damage
I punched him
It was a great feeling

I moved into my moms
Not much better
But I'm not getting physically abused
Verbally isn't much better
I guess I'd still prefer the belt
The drugs are stopping
The cutting stopped
9 months cut free

I'm finally moving on with my life
I have some great friends
Even though I still want to cut
I made a promise to another girl
Who was also cutting that we would stop together
Thanks to all of that
I'm no longer the emo *****
Or even the pill popping *****
I'm just Porsch
Completely without the "e"
I finally learned how to smile
Guess not all stories in this diary end

August 12, 1993

This is the third diary I have written in
This diary must be famous
So maybe oneday
Someone will hear or at least read my story
By the way my name is Sarrah
Weird spelling right?

August 13, 1993

Just heard some bad news...
I'm pregnant
I can't believe it
16 years old and pregnant!
The "father" is a dead beat
Ran after I said I might be
I can't keep the child
I don't know what to do

August 15, 1993

I wrote my first poem
One of my friends said it would help
Didn't really
I just wrote and wrote
I almost wrote a book
I wonder what I'm going to do with this child
Aborting it would be painful
Giving it up is almost impossible
Having it is unlikely
I have so much going for me

April 20, 1993

Found out one of my friends loves me
He knows I'm pregnant
He said he would help me
He always has a plan
Maybe I can be happy with him
I don't know
I don't want to bring him down
Diary...what should I do?

April 23, 1993

Still no reply?
I forgot I'm asking an inanimate object
To answer a question
I was forced to ask because of my stupidity
I have poor taste in men
I'm now called distastefully
Sarah the 16 year old pregnant *****
My boyfriend is really annoyed with it
I hope I can love him as much as he loves me

April 30, 1993

I cut myself
The girls at school keep harrassing me
I can't take this
I forgot how many weeks I am now
I just want this baby out
I don't want it
It's causing to much stress
Diary...help me please

September 18, 1993

I lost you for a while
Can't believe you were right here
Underneath my bed covered by my favorite shirt
That now I can't wear anymore
I look like a cow
School is horrid
I almost beat one of my teachers with a textbook
He called me "Sahcow"

September 21, 1993

I just got dumped by the man I love
He said I didn't love him enough
That I was wieghing him down
I can't believe this
I haven't stopped crying since 12 last night
Why does everything have to go wrong with me?
Am I that broken?
That big of a **** up?

September 29, 1993

I have just successfully planned my suicide
The title of this diary says "Diary Of Broken Souls"
It should say "Diary Of Suicidal Souls"
I just read the other 402 other entries
That many people...dead...murdered...by cruelty
Might as well join them
My ******* is just about the same

October 8, 1993

Halloween is just around the corner
And with it comes my death
No more baby
No more mother *******
No more father crying at the sight of me
Well the tears will be for a different reason now
I'll write my last entry on Halloween

October 31, 1993

Today is the day
Finally coming to an end
I'll **** this baby first
Swallow a **** load of pain killers
Throw in a couple anti-depressants
Noose is tied just perfectly
I have it hanging over the school entry way
A little memorial for the girls at school
All the students actually
Who have called me names
Criticized me for this ****
Well good bye *******
Sorry Diary you didn't get to know me
I'll be memorialized in these pages
Somebody will know what it's like
To be 16, pregnant, and depressed from all of it

Lonely nights and empty chest
This Valentines day is just like another day
Valentine less since 2009
Each chocolate whispering I love you I love you not
Every rose pedal wilting
I know I dont want temporary
I want something meaningful and almost permanent
Never know he might die before me or me before him
Oh I forgot to introduce myself
I'm Tabitha, I'm 18, 19 eventually
I have a cute little white girl *****
***** just big enough for me
I'm a simple poet
Look at me being creepy
Trying to sell myself to somebody
I think this chocolate was laced
I'm rambling
God why does love always get confusing
I like guys too far away
Or people eventually leaving behind closed doors
Maybe I'm destined to be some old cat lady person
Anyways I'm going back to work
Maybe I'll get a valentine tonight
Even though he's cute and a poet too
He's so weird but that perfect weird
But again he's too far away
At least I get to hear his voice
When I get off work
I guess we can call it a date

Whispers on moonlight kisses
Shadows crossing bridges
Silhouettes of this life
Forgetting I'm existing

I guess instead of writing poems
I'll tell you the story
Behind the name my mother gave me
I'm Tommy
Father in jail for ******
Mother single and struggling
3 eviction notices in past 8 months
How does one survive turmoil
With a world so violent
16 years I've watched my mother deteriorate
Lost 9 when she drove down the road
Filled with needles and spoons burning
Candlelight now scares me
One bedroom apartment
Sleeping with your mom
You realize her fears follow her into her dreams
I can't protect her
I can't do anything for her
I'm a useless nuisance
Only bleeding her pockets drier
But I'll write till I'm famous
Write till she sees I know her pain
I can't tell you I'll be any good
I'll only try to give her the life she deserves

Your there when I want to be alone
Your just laying there
Drunk and bleeding
Do you even feel pain
You are somewhat of a marvel
Your pulse still evident
Your smile so grand
But I can see your cracks
The missing pieces
How I feel pity for you
But empathy as well as sympathy
How can you live life
So broken and bruised
And not feel pain
Maybe you can hide it
But I have this strange feeling I know you
So I ask you as you lay at my feet
Drunk and bleeding
Do I know you?
Wait now I see
As a sudden pain in my chest erupts
And caves in leaving a whole
Wide like the vacant sea
You are my heart

The blade centimeters deep
Kissing the veins I tried to hold together
Don't ask me how I knew
But I know the thoughts are there
Please run from them
Run towards me
Hide in my arms
Bury your fears in my chest
Suffocate the tears with my cologne
I'm here never far
The pillows and blankets
Fortress in your room
Lay down on my back
Let me carry you through the night
Legs can grow weak
As the tyranny of the voices
Burdens them with screams
Never will they collapse
I'll drag us both
I won't let you fall
I'll love you
Even when you think nobody does
Don't ask me how I knew
But I know you think you're alone
I'm in the corner of your closet
Exactly where you threw me
The last time we fought
I'm made of stuffing
But I still bleed
Look at the stains I wear
Dressed for a funeral
Hoping it's not yours
Don't ask me how I knew
I'll just reply
It was the few times we did speak
That told me
You think you're alone

When I say I have the potential for something
And you decide to question it
It makes me very anger
And like the Hulk
You won't like me when I'm angry
I have the shortest fuse
I'm a hair trigger 45 to your temple
That can send you to your oblivion
Or send you to the depths of a never ending pool of misery
To drown in your hopeless endeavors
In trying to reach the top
Everything is fair game
From this point on
And if I have to slit some throat
Let the puddles of blood grow to lakes then oceans
I'll grab my pen now
Start slashing at the nuisance vine you have become

If so how much?
Would you die for me?
Would you put down the drugs?
Would you answer my questions?
Would you answer them truthfully?
Do you love me?

I dont know why I ask
You cant hear me
Your dead to me
You died when you walked away
Leaving me in soiled diapers
Hungry and crying

How else am I suppose to feel?
Why did you do it?
Was it easy?
When were you goiong to comeback?
Do you love me?
Or are you just bullshiting me?

Whats the point of this?
Always feeling ander and hate
Pain is the reasons for them
Because Im still that lost kid
Still looking for his mother
But she's passed out on the couch

Did you try to quit?
Did you really want me?
Was I even important?
Do you know anything about me?
What were you thinking?
Were you thinking at all?

Your nothing to me now
Just the woman who gave me life
I dont have to love you
Or waste my time with you
You dont know me
And I dont care to learn anymore about you

Do you love me?
Did you ever?
Is my father my real father?
Did you decieve him as well?
What did I ever do to you?
Is my life worth living as your son?

You lied to me
You decieved my siblings
You tainted my world
And ruined my heart
Im sick of you
So for once tell me the truth

No more questions
Because I know you wont answer them
Your pathetic you know that
You dont love and never did
So why bother
Thinking about you everyday?

Silent whispers
Tortured screams
An existence far off into the unknown
Pictures played silhouette motions
3D pixelations of distorted memories
Taunting my eyes to rain
Haunting the child still in me
Petrified of putrid symphonies
Harmonized by the laughing decedance
Decaying ever so rapidly
Within these dreams

Its the world I go to
When all my love is rejected
When everything fails
When my best friends fail to guide me
Out of this dark place Im in
So I just grab a bottle
Drink till the pain is gone
Jumping straight into a drunken wastland

I called each of them six times
Trying to get this off my chest
But each and everyone of them rejected my call
So here I am
Bottle in hand
Trying to find the path
To a drunken wasteland
That I missed for so long

I attempted suicide nine times today
Failed each time
So Ill just drown my pain and sorrows
Till the world itself becomes nonexistant
This drunken wasteland is a peaceful place
Really there are no worries and no more pain
Just people who have ruined lives as well
People who truely understand what Im going through

I just wish when I leave this place
That I could breath
Stick my head in the clouds
And find peace for once
Dont I deserve some kind of heaven
In this **** hell
When everything is the same
I just run and hide in a drunken wasteland

This bathtub heart
Filled from years of filthy emotions
Finally drained when a poem
Pulled the plug
Now I'm emotionally drained
From loving and hating
Always ****** at the world
For dealing me ******* hands
I'm going on vacation
I look forward to reading your works

Grab a pen
The best pen you can find
Draw a heart with a cross in the middle of it
On your hand
Where your thumb and index finger meet
Empezar una revolución

Honor the fallen victims
Of everyday nothingness
Revolt against the ways of society
Burn crosses at the feet of prosperity
Burn pentagrams at the feet of poverty
Set fire to the Declaration of Independence
Because this is ******* WAR

Empezar una revolución
This is the beginning
The only end
Is when poor people aren't spit on
When prosperity is like a contagious disease
And everybody has it
Set fire to the principal of injustice
This war is a revolución

We are the body
The heart and soul
The reason we need this revolution
Is because this chaos must end
Empezar una revolución
Start a revolution

Empty rooms
Empty halls
Everything is empty
Including me
But I'm complete
When I'm at your side

Before me they all lay
Calling me to jump in between the lines
These pages call for me to **** them with emotions
Forbidden by my heart to express
Empty pages beckon to be filled
With the love I show her
Only when her parents aren't around

The endless sky seems so dead
A fortress abandoned by wondering eyes
Haunted by the cataclysmic fears
Of asteroids and meteors
Supernovas too close to home
Black holes slowly eating away at the heavens
It all seems so endless
The possibilities of reaching extraterrestrials
Learning what the face of neptune really looks like
Even something so endless doesn't have many secrets
The sky is the sky
The stars are stars
The moon and sun dance together in eternal rotation
Maybe one day I'll get to see
Just what it is out there for me
Why I'm able to survive an endless life of despair
When all it would have taken
Was the 3.2 seconds it took to destroy a car

I'm calling out
I'm crying tears of acid
I'm going horse
By breath escaping
I...I'm scared
I can't take it anymore
Some one please I'm begging
I even resorted to praying
End my pain
Take it away
Numb my existance
Strip the memories
I am forced to endure
Away from thier stitching under my eyelids
End the pain
I am forced to bear
Due to the weight of these burdens I carry
I'm screaming
I've lost my voice
My breath gone
I'm too exhausted to continue this
End the pain
Please
I'm tired of the paper cuts
The sharp point of pens
I just want the pain to disappear

We were once close
Laughing at subtle jokes
Always on the inside of our humor
Then something changed
We stopped talking little by little
When we did it was always fights
Super smash bros ultimate edition
I'd try to cave in your chest
While you cracked my skull
It was ****** when we spoke
Insults no one heard
Just saw on the skin
No one knew what was wrong
Then we became estranged
Two different paths
We played rock paper scissors
To see who went down which
Now your in the mirror
Having a hard time
Looking at me
Knowing all too well now
We could have controlled the thoughts
We just couldn't save our heart
From the decisions it made
All on it's own