I miss the old days
The days I spent not worrying
My happiness not walking on eggshells
Failure wasn't a concern
Now it's all I seem to do
Catastrophically failing at life
Slipping into a darkness
I've feared since the first grade
Knowing all too well my fate loomed
Eagerly awaiting the moment
I failed at all the right things
Eagle to my rathole heart
Insurmountably falling prey
To the demons I created
And failed to drown
Not realizing they learned to swim
I miss the old days
Reminiscing only for the sake of sanity
Reliving the happiness
Even for a second
Before reality slaps me cold
Hopes of living it in the moment
Growing desolate

Depression antagonizing anxiety
Questioning my position
Too far from Heaven
God can't reach me
Too lost in the dark
The devil can't find me
Hopes for happiness
An irrelevant fantasy
Dreams of love
Become phantasmal
Yet the yearning for the warmth
An addictive pain
Overly satisfying desire
Am I worth it
I know I'm not worth
The lead in the chamber
The price of the rope
The bleach or the shovel
Or the memory of a sidewalk stain
Not worth the sway of second hands
Or the hands I want to hold
I've become nothing
Worth nothing
Scrounging for attention and success
Hoping someone would see in me
What I can't see in myself
Growing ever so deeply in hatred
Towards myself
Knowing the tendencies I have
The habits I've formed
Trying to protect myself
From a world dead set
On destroying me
Only to realize it succeeded
In more ways
Than what I was prepared for
Questioning myself every hour
What am I worth
When all I have is the love
Of a little girl
Barely knowing who I am
Eating at myself
For allowing it to be like this
Knowing nothing I could have done
Would have stopped this from happening
In just another form it would have taken
What am I worth
Someone please tell me
Give me a straight answer
Show me I'm not wandering
Aimlessly into an abyss
Recklessly living just for nothing
Something has to add up
When will the things I desire in life
Come to fruition
Without having to struggle
To fight not only the world
But myself included

I feel it deeper than my soul
A void growing larger than an abyss
Ravaging constantly
A mindset I reject
Trying with all my essence
To grip to the hope
One little smile will be what will save me
What will keep my nails dug
Into canyon walls
I want to keep climbing
Chasing clouds
I want to fade into the blue
Yet gravity holds me
Pulling me at me harder
As muscles wear thin
Exhaustion setting in
Safety rope long ran out
Still I climb
Still I set my sights on the horizon
Just over the edge
The only constant
Is the faith others have in me
That keeps strength in a broken spirit

Ritual circles drawn
Sacrificing all I had
In talents long gone
Gave it all up
Inspiration fading
Who am I now
Without pen and paper
A pencil without lead
Blank canvases fill my head
Artistry I sacrificed
Just to find love
Only finding the devils smile
Smirking at the joy
Of watching me wither in pain
I have nothing left
Too much lost
And I feel it all over again
Losing what little I held on to
Falling on the knife
Slitting the throat of my creativity
Bleeding it dry in every moment
I stay stuck in this ritual
Of self destructive tendencies
Is there no escape
Can I find my inspiration
Without knowing who I am
Little by little
I lose more of what I knew
All that helped me cope
With everything around me
My world of fantasy
No longer an image I can draw
No longer the words I write
Too much lost
And nothing gained
Someone tell me how
How do I get it all back
When it's been lost for too long

I'm not the god I thought I was
Reckless beyond all hope
Dodging more bullets than *******
Expecting concrete to be soft
Laying my life on the line
Thinking it was a safe bet
Adrenaline pumping pushing myself
Over every ledge I climbed
I may be the master of my own creation
Yet nowhere did I master my own emotion
Gambling feelings like poker chips
Life's own currency
Wasted on one night stands
Sipping the cup of life
Toxic in all its flavor and aroma
Stressed when my heart pockets are empty
Checks bouncing as I dance from girl to girl
Dinner dates and movie tickets
I've wasted my own prescious resource
Mining for a gem
Fooled by gold's luster
I don't want to die this way
Collecting debt with my sanity
Worrying the wealth I have left
Will be stolen from me again
I'd rather invest in my own goals
Mine for the strength to see myself
Without smoke and mirrors
So here's the only safe bet
Guaranteed to win
One quick glance in the mirror
Straighten the tie
Smile
I know I'm going to win
As long as my faith remains in myself

Fragrance of a million angels
Fills my nose when I held you
Weight of a bluejay feather
Brushed my lips when ours met
It wasn't love I chased
It was knowing you would be there
In my arms and on my lips
It wasn't addiction that kept you
In my presence
I fell asleep tracing your body
When it wasn't my bed you filled
Late hours I forgot
Wondering if our lips would meet again
That human side I almost rejected
Lost when I showed you my intentions
Every hour that's passed
One less conversation we've had
Was it even real
Or did I fantasize
All those hugs and kisses
Feelings of butterflies
Like middle school crushes
I didn't want to wake from that dream
Yet here I am staring at a ceiling
Wishing I could fall asleep
And find that same dream
Holding on to you
Kissing as the sun danced on the river
High enough view
Where you could see the city
Where I saw you on a canvas
I'm sorry I miss it
Every moment I spent with you
Was every memory I wanted to have
You were the drug
Numbing my pain
I'm just an addict
Wanting to forget that I exist
Every hug another needle
Every kiss another high
Every whisp of your fragrance
Enticing me to indulge
I don't want to lose it
So why did you wake me up

Tires squealing
Rubber meets asphalt
Melting into each other
As the motor still revving
Steering wheel cuts
Blackout
Metal to metal
An explosion ensues
Parts flying body's like ragdolls
Bones break skin
Glass shatters splintering bodies
How did we survive this torrent of chaos
His ankle breaks
Her body whiplashed
My leg  snaps
Concussion to severe to even remember
Even one act that took place
EMT telling me emergency surgery
Then hospital lights dim
And I'm awake wondering
How the **** did I get here
Panic sets
Questions boiling
Telephone doesn't dial itself
Is everyone alright
Yeah you were the worst
Thank God
Glad everyone's safe and alive
But I don't see how I am
Car twisted driver side caved
Windshield barely there
And I walk away on one leg
Whatever reason I have to live
I better hurry and live up to it
Before I **** myself putting 80 on the dash