I want to feel myself get younger
I want to laugh and play with hot wheels
Make siren noises while riding shotgun
Sit in a car seat and laugh in your face
When I grow up I want to be a kid
Kindly reliving my adolescencE
Smoking **** by the ounce
When I grow up I want to be a stoner
More ****** than I already am
Tripping in and out of reality
Thinking I'm the ****
Hat to the side like a g
Big baller chains
Just acting stupid for the age of 50
When I grow up I don't want to forget
All the good times I've had
While making greater moments to never forget
When I grow up I hope you'll see
I'm still the same old me
Wishing you could have seen
How high on life we could've been together

I guess you wouldn't see this everyday
A 43 year old man writing in a diary
But hell what other choice do I have
See a shrink
Talk my problems out

So I'll give you the details
My names Karl 43 yrs old
Divorced 5 times
7 children I barely get to see
Kids mothers think I have manic depression
Judges took my supervised visitation rights away
Because I had a mental breakdown
Ended up in the psych-ward for a month
I'm working three jobs
Little Ceasers, Raising Canes, and a handyman
I'm living in my moms basement
Paying rent out the ***
Even though I'm barely here
You tell me if I've had it rough
My dad drank himself to death
Beating my mother and me
My older brother died during service
My younger sister is a crack fiend
And I've spent more money on her
To stay in rehab than I have on clothes
For both me and my kids
I've been recently cutting
I saw my oldest do it
When I confronted him
He said it relieved the pain
He was right
Still feels wrong
I just wonder when enough is enough
When you finally give up
I've been a devoted Christian
Yet I've never seen the end of it
The constant pain
The endless torture of reality
Hell would be my heaven right now
I have no friends
I don't have a single clue
Where my life went to
But I'm sure it's heading nowhere fast
Thought about ending it
But the picture of me and my kids
Always seems to stop me cold
I just wish I could say I'm sorry
That I wish I could be a better father
A more devoted husband
But how can I do any of that
When the woman I've been with
Only wanted my wallet more than my heart
I don't even remember the smell of cologne
I guess I'm just rambling
But how old do you need to be
To die from a broken heart

My lies would spew
Through every tooth each wall will bear
The games I played with death
Would only send my parents into cardiac arrest
Woman's names would dance of its tongue
As they echo each moan
I made louder with each ******
How the hell would any one know
That I'm not crazy but ludicrous
Idiotic in the definition
If these walls could talk
It would be a crime to live anymore
Jailhouses would open every cell
Every hound whispering the secrets
I once buried under three coats of white
He's a murderer
He's an addict
He's obsessed with his scars
They should have given him the chair
But these walls hold their tongues
Because I'm the only friend they have
Till the new owners come to town
Which might be never
Because no woman seems to want
This hearty home everyone deems
A fixer upper

Leave your shoes in the car
Together we'll walk for hours
As you try to see
What is all wrong with me
You've asked me twice
Not even bothering to think thrice
What kind of man am I
Always wanting to die
Chasing butterflies that never existed
Thinking too long till my life twisted
This is who you see today
Going every which way
Just to find the heart
I thought I couldn't tear apart
But even tears leave tattoos
While loving someone seems taboo
Walk with me
Along side the salty sea
And realize that it's not us here
It's only me looking queer
Talking to myself like I'm insane
Calling out your name
Knowing all too well
Your going to see me to hell
I know your not around
But judging from what I found
Your walking with me
Even if its only one set of footprints
Going back to the peer

Your body slowly fading away
Watching time slip by
Wrinkles and sorrow
Staining each line on your face
Its hell to watch
Everything you've once known and love
Get devoured in the sands of time
Every penny you earn
Get sold for a dollar
While your heads under the blanket
Afraid to peek out from underneath
Scared to witness life once again
I just wish I could live in my imagination
Where Rainbow Unicorns dance on pots of gold
Leprechauns smoke bowls of the best ****
Santa just throwing parties
Zombies break dancing
Maybe I'm just living in a high
But **** reality is hell to watch

How many doors must I walk through
How many people must I call mom
How many brothers and sister do I have
It's endless
I couldn't count on one hand or even two
Yet here I am making another couch
My living arrangements
For only who know how long
How many hearts do I have to break
Till I can finally say I love you
Without worrying if she'll leave me
How many goodbyes must I make known
How many homes must I go through
Till I'm able to call these places home
They weren't built for me
They weren't made to house me
To allow me to have ***
To allow me the freedom of walking
Down every hallway into every room
Stark *** naked with my *****
Dragging behind me
How many homes
Tell me how many
So I can just curl up now and die
It would be a waste of time
To lay here another minute
Trying to find a job
Trying to find a girlfriend
Trying to find home