❤****

Like you
Iike me
Like everything that we wanted to be
Like love
Like us
Like our souls as they turn to dust

Love you
Love me
Love everything that we wanted to be
Love love
Love us
Love our souls as they turn to dust

Lost you
Lost me
Lost everything that we wanted to be
Lost love
Lost us
Lost our souls as they turn to dust

Hate you
Hate me
Hate everything that we wanted to be
Hate love
Hate us
Hate our souls as they turn to dust

**** you
**** me
Kil everything that we wanted to be
**** love
**** us
**** our souls as they turn to dust

*******
**** me
**** everything that we wanted to be
**** love
**** us
**** our souls as they turn to dust

what are you afraid of?
what shakes you with fright?
are you scared of the monsters?
who go bump in the night?
are you scared of tight spaces?
scared of not going places?
do you ever fear you'll lose someone?
you'll wake up one day and they'll just be gone?
i want to know what scares you
so i know when to hold your hand
i've told you what scares me
what fills my heart with fear
something like bumble bee
like not having a clue on what I want to make as a career
you know that writing scares me
you know that i can't stop
but you don't know a couple things
like how it scares me that you make my stomach flop
i never used to be so scared of feeling this way
i promise you that once i was really rather brave
it scares me that you might leave
that you might not even care
that maybe one day you'll get bored
and i'll search but you won't be there.

Mamma don't you love me
the thought goes through my mind
over and over without a clear path or destination
like a tumbleweed in a desolate ghost town
it rolls around unseen
unlike on the movie screen

her tongue was a battalion
it fired through my soul
with metal shards of hateful love

her words were like a leather belt
that licked me time and time again
hit straight through tissue blood and veins
and hit my heart , my lonesome bitter heart

my house is painted in tiny black lines
the shadows from the bars
that surround the now empty and cold chambers of my heart

last night you ruined a lot more than just a tiny little crush
your ruined an opportunity for love
one for smile
one for tears
one for memories
one for some more fears
you ruined the chance for me to love again
one for me to be loved back
you ruined a chance for me to fall
to hurt myself and cry over the pain
you see...
you didn't ruin my night
or my crush
or my dignity
you ruined my chance at another chapter in life

I can't write a story
if you edit out the chapters mother...
the story would end and seem unfit
to ever be published
I can't write a story, If you take out all the chapters
I'd rather just stop writing
and leave it all unfinished

because you loved me to death
and the contradiction killed me

I am paralysed by the fear...
it grips my heart and holds
,in a firm grasp,
either by that or the pain
that travels between my body
and my heart

I sit in the darkness of the new moon
gaze set on the evening star
blazing brightly on my cold
clammy skin

my eyelids are heavy
every second is a fluttering battle
to keep them locked on
to the destination

my muscles are tense
pulling tighter in the complete lack of control
they give in
I fall

my hand shoots to my side
and is not met with the usual
damp feel of
crimson moist
but they cup the places
where my body swells
caressing the skin
as if trying to gently locate this
searing dagger lodged in my insides

I saw a vision
depicting my thread
and where the fates
abruptly cut it
short
falling short from the goals I've set out to complete

I fear for leaving
this empty world
with
empty hands
and an
empty heart

I fear the black beyond,
unknown to this heart...
and all that lies within it's never
ending reach!!
I fear the ghost behind the veil
which is soon set out to be
me...

lay my stone in emerald
and write my name in diamond
but never let it fall upon me
never let it break my wings...

instead

let me swim the ocean blue
or soar through the sky
so that through the black beyond I know
my legacy, this empty shell I leave
will forever be free

A man screams in his sleep.
Her features all aligned into a perfect order
Just because I'm hungry doesn't mean I have to eat.
A low hum
Burring  into my mind
Drives me into vicious fits of obsession
She stirs me

I look at her but cannot see her.
I try so hard to drink her in.
Every feature I want to drown in.
The vision is only a drop to a dying thirst

I stare so uncomfortably at her soft skin.
Guilty I lust for her.
She exemplified feminine strength

She stings me with her beauty
And Instills in me a sadness I can't understand

Consciously torn between being a dog and a man.
Stuffed my shame into my belly and moved on.

Loneliness has the coldest hands
I've ever felt but it's alright because
dead bodies aren't warm either.
Dead bodies are cold but the
ever-lasting touch of loneliness is
incisively and annihilatingly colder.
You were the best teacher I had and
I have mastered to accept loneliness
arms around my waist like the leaves
have mastered their ephemeral
dance among the majestic wind.

Sadness is dwelling in my mind
Anger is swelling in my heart
The thought of suicide sounds like a fantasy
Almost close enough to touch
But yet too dangerous to hold

As my heart melts into nothingness
and my desire to communicate diminishes
My walls of safety have been stripped from my soul
As my happiness begins to swiftly deteriorate

With every ******* blow of rejection bruises me more
screaming I punch the brick wall till my knuckles bleed
angry at myself
how could I be so **** stupid
My innocence and yearn for safety completely obliterates those thoughts of logical thinking
I am becoming this monster with open wounds that he keeps lashing at with his steel whip
As I whimper crawling towards him
But he keeps hitting harder
My body shaking, trembling
The wound deepens and gushes out blood at an intense rate
but I still am crawling as fast as I can to his arms
in hopes that he will hold me when I reach him

hoping he is satisfied that I took each intense beating and still crawled to him
hoping to be wrapped in his warm arms against his stone cold heart
Praying as hard as I possibly can that he does not drop me as he has done numerous times before. If he drops me that recurring painful crawl to him will begin once again.

Tears soaking my body and his black t shirt.
And when I look up his face, it is hard and emotionless, I push myself as close as I can into my creator. The one that turned me into something so vulnerable. Something so monstrous. But at this point there is no turning back he has every part of my mind controlled. With the snap of his fingers he can have me down on the floor begging for his attention.

My grip around his torso tightens as I feel his muscles twitch. As I look up to his eyes they begin to show the soul of the devil. As his head tilts down to mine and kisses my lips hard. With every part of my body coming alive for those brief moments, screaming with short lived happiness. He releases and looks into my eyes. For a moment, I see hope but then his eyes turn to hate, and he shoves me back to the floor, bruising not only my body but my soul, but the pain only makes me need him more. He runs towards me and at this point I think he is going to help me and hold me. No more crawling to him with open, ****** wounds. But just as he gets to me, he throws the steel whip into the darkness, and starts to batter my body with his fists. Breaking my bones and cracking my skull, blood gushing from places all over my body, but the pain is pushed away by my need for him.... but now he is leaving me ****** and broken and when he Is finished... I just crave him more.

I’ve been reading too many fairytales
Where the princess always finds her prince
And happily ever after.

But in reality
There are no princes swooping princesses off their horses
And happily ever after is just a late night wish.

Instead the princess chases after the prince
Only to find a masked man
To reveal a villain.

Instead there’s little hope for a good day
Where a genuine smile warms my face
Never less a happily ever after.

I’ve been reading too many fairytales
That do not exist
Anymore.

I listen to the silence as its slowly creeping in,
I welcome all of the darkness as it forms beneath my skin,
I have caused many tears and I have caused so much pain,
My message was sent, only a name will remain
An infrangible storm forms in my chest
I couldn't save myself, but it was for the best.
I have a feeling of inseparable pain
It is my ego to be taken in vain
I am a monster; I have let the world down,
In a sea of my own fears is where I will drown
A hypocrite, a villain is how I am named
Spit on and despised, it was me who is now shamed.
I am no longer welcome above or below,
A soul like mine now has nowhere to go.
I will fade away like dust in the wind,
A forgotten lie, a cold hard sin
I lie down frozen, unable to feel
A plethora of scars never to heal
The darkness has overcome me; I have nowhere to go,
Dead nerves and feelings away from the show
My eyes slowly flutter it is starting to kick in,
An aggregation of powder from a rusty old tin
I know I am leaving this God for saken world
Every lie, every sin will lead to be unfurled
My final goodbye, I see the black glow
I will die less of a hero than anyone will know.

I've never stood on this side of "unforgiveness" before.


A whole different kind of pain that I've known nothing about, ever, in my lifetime.


A place, I never dreamed I'd end up.
I'd never done anything unforgivable before, to anyone.
But here I am in this.. Place, time, diminsion...


A place so sad and Harsh, uncaring and cruel that it  rips apart my very worth, a day at a time.
Leaving all of me mangled, on memory's cold, dusty floor.


I see myself through your eyes and even I despise myself.
I'm locked inside inaccurate details that somehow become hard lined truth and fact without reason or exception.

Only worthy of the harshest punishment.


Truth doesn't live here in this tortured place of long halls of funhouse-like mirrors created by your mind.. imaginary demons distort even the purest memory of who I really am, and what I was to you.


I should simply no longer exist like this, in my Un-pardonable grave of disgrace.  
Non-deserving of even the smallest shred of mercy.


Through your eyes I am a worthless *****, a liar and manipulator and heartless...
Or worse...


A faceless, nobody that you never knew.


I hardly recognize myself in this distorted view.
But who am I to defend my own worth to one who once saw me worthy to love?


I'm not worth fixing now or worthy of defending.
I'm  just a unforgiven act that can never be redeemed.


You can't hear my screams or my telling you that this isn't ME!
It truly isn't ME!


I whisper "I'm sorry's" into the dark, until even I'm tired of hearing it.
Helplessly and hopelessly I fell into places I've never been before.  
The darkest side of hate and disgust.


I'm not worth your words anymore or worth hearing.
Scarcely worth a thought.
Cast out and banned far away from you.
Nothing more than garbage beside the roadway.


I am no more, my feelings are muted.
I'm out of sight and mind, therefore I don't exist.


I am in fact.. Nothing.


Your thoughts of hate so sharp that it penetrates my shattered heart.
I can't even feel myself breathe anymore.
Not dead, but not alive.


I wish that I could bleed or die, but that would give relief that I don't deserve.


Untrusted, unloved and carefully judged and sentenced to a silent hell of hatred and death, that no human should ever see or feel.


I used to love seeing myself through your eyes and now I have to close my eyes because I'm too scary and disgusting to look at.


Doomed,  better off dead, am I, than to live unforgiven in this dark, silent torture..
Hated by the same heart that once loved me before my fall from grace.
Unable to plead my case before the judge who charged my sins.


So cold and unfamiliar that I don't even recognize the heart that I once knew as the extension of my own.


Now banished to a
literal hell without a door.


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