i find myself restless this time of year
resolutions made months ago still seem so unclear
and the unapologetic rays of the springtime sun
will soon shine light
on the scars so carefully hidden
under winter's thick blanket

You hated how I never listened to your music
and now I listen to it every day

I could never say the words
"I love you"
but you always said it to me anyway

I remember that copper ring you made
that was too large for my finger
so you tied it to a string and
put it around my neck

I was a wreck that day at the airport
when I had to go home
and you had to stay
and I bought you those
two stuffed animals
to keep you company
while I was away
and I should've known
I should've known
things would never be the same

You never tell me
that you miss me anymore
but I still miss you anyway

I remember those months
that we lived together
in room twelve
with the ***** dishes
and the duct taped windows
and the sour candy container
filled with your
partly smoked cigarettes

And now the silence between us
roars at me like thunder
and I'm suffocating from
that copper ring necklace
and your songs are a playlist
forever stuck on repeat
forever stuck on repeat

And I try to cover my ears
but I can't push the sound away

And I know that I can't blame you for it
but I will anyway

There are two types
of punches
in this world
and I'll take them
both.
Maybe one
right in the face
before I become
the punch line
to your insensitive
little jokes
(sorry I forgot
to laugh this time.)

And even then
I'll take them gladly
as the blood
makes its acquaintance
with my tears
and my fears
become entangled
with fury.

Hurry up.

Tell me
that no one
will ever love me
and that I'm just
another ugly girl
in a ****** up world
that will do nothing
but swallow me whole
and purge me
once it tastes my
bitterness.
I'm sorry
I wasn't
sweet enough
for you.

You.
Craver of life's
toxic temptations.
Infatuations
with the
nicotine filled paper
you place
between your lips
and the horror stories
you read at three
in the morning
as you wish to become
another doomed character
created by your favourite authors.

But you didn't even bother
to realize that
our lives are the horror stories
and as much as I wanted
to put the book down
I kept screaming for more.

Always craving
but never satisfied.

And all I can hear is
daddy crying out
"You could have died!"
"You could have died!"

You
could
have
died.

I don't care,
god ******.
I thought the
tears in his eyes
would have
stopped me
but the
spilled blood
on the floor
was so taunting
and I knew
right then
that I'd
always
want
more.

I guess I really am
a *******,
because you know
for a fact that I
would kiss
the hands
that punched me
in the face

one
     too
          many
                   times

Sometimes

the cure
is more deadly
than
the disease.

This isn't poetic.



I just don't want to be here anymore

I'm not the kind of girl
who writes love poems
and I'm far from romantic
my two moods fall between
depressed and manic
I'm not charismatic
I'm far too sarcastic
and just from one ****
I can snap like elastic.

But no one has ever
been strong enough to
pull apart the barriers
that cover my heart
quite like you do,
and I know you
hate your smile
but my god
I have never seen
a face light up so much
with just the movement
of a muscle.
Tousled hair
of black and blonde
I am so fond of the way
you say my name
like it isn't something to
be ashamed of.
Like somehow,
I'm more than the sum
of my parts.
Like somehow,
I'm not just a canvas
but art.

I'm not the kind of girl
who writes love poems
but there's something about
your eyes of blue
and the way you flew
into my life
like a falling star,
slowly
then crashing
all at once
finding its way into the
dark crevice of my heart
that was nearly torn apart
but you picked up the pieces
and bandaged me together again.

And this might sound zany
but even just one night alone
makes me miss you like crazy
because when I'm with you
my mind goes all hazy
and I'm convinced
in that moment
that everything will be okay
because you are not just
a boy to me
you lessen my depression
you calm my anxiety
I'd throw away my variety
of pills just to be in your
arms forever
Elavil, Cipralex, Zoloft
are just names
and they hold nothing to you
because you are my
perfect dose of serotonin.

You said,
"I like you more than poetry"
but my words are broken vocal chords
that never should be spoken
yet when I'm with you,
the poet is awoken.
Ballads and rhymes
will fill my mind
but no matter how hard I try,
nothing I write
is worthy of you.
The most beautiful
man I know,
the most beautiful
man I ever knew.

And I say,
cut off the strings,
you marionette.
Free yourself from the
binding chains
that control your every move,
fly. Sing me a song,
you gorgeous violin.
Tear away the
thoughts from your mind
that are constantly
telling you that
you are not good enough
because my darling,
you will always be
good enough for me.

You said,
"I like you more than poetry"
and I'm not the kind of girl
who writes love poems
but I will say that poetry
is nothing without the poet.
And my god,
I ******* love the poet.

You promised
and I believed


and for that,
it was my fault.