It all comes down to loneliness
constant loneliness
when no one ever understands
how I feel
or
what's going on
and God I'm so scared
it's like my lungs might explode
from the screams that threaten to
escape from my mouth
but are too afraid to jump
and all anyone ever hears is
silence
long periods of
excruciatingly painful
silence
but there are no words
to describe the horror story
I have created in my mind
it is gruesome
it is senseless
there will be no happy ending this time
I am sorry
but I tried and tried
until I couldn't try anymore
and even then I wonder if I ever even tried at all
happy is just not in the books for me
it never was
so
goodbye happy
I know you won't be knocking on my door
anytime soon
instead I welcome sadness
full blown sadness
there is no cure
for this insanity
there is no bandage
big enough
to cover the scars
and put myself
back together again
I am torn
breaking
falling apart at the seams
and it seems to me that
no one even notices
God why can't you notice
is it because I stopped praying
is it because I stopped believing
is it because I am the
filthy
rotting
ugly creature that I am
oh
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
please just be there for my friends is all I ask
please keep my family safe is all I ask
tell them that I love them
tell them that I care
tell them that I'm sorry
oh God I am sorry
please don't look at me that way
I have too much hate in my heart
and no matter what I do
it never goes away
it never goes away
I am not the human I thought I was
I am not the person you thought you created
mom and dad
I am not like my sister
or the good people
you see outside
I am not normal
I am different
trust me
I know what I am
I see it
every day
I have never seen God
but I have seen the Devil
trust me
I have seen the Devil
it is me

See, I am just a canvas
and my favourite colour's red.

i.

Here's to you, pretty girl.

It's been quite a while since I've seen you smile but every single time that you do, just know that it brightens my day in a way that you could never understand. And I know that the hand you've been dealt with has at times made you felt like the whole world was against you, but darling, that's not true.

If only you knew the way the rest of us saw you; if only you realized that your very existence is a true blessing to each and every person you come into contact with – that your crazy laugh and witty personality are in fact the centrality of my whole world.

It seems as though God has hurled a curve ball at you which is so unfair when everyone else has merely dodged their bullets. But you caught it straight in the heart and I know that its nearly torn you apart with the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it hurts to continue standing when the pain is branding scars into your skin. But pretty girl – please – do not let these demons win. You are more than this, and trust me when I say that if I could wave a magic wand and bond your heart back together then you know I'd do it time and time again.

Of course, life isn't like that though. But despite what that monster has told you before, if you can hold on just a little more then I promise that after you grow old you're gonna look back to this day and be grateful of the fact that you had the courage to say "if I can ignore this urge then maybe I'll be okay."

ii.

Here's to you, beautiful boy.

All you ever wanted was love from your mother but only received it from your two year old brother who has not yet perceived the truth about all the pain that will arise from a mom who doesn't care enough to leave her room and a dad who does nothing but lie.

And surprise surprise, your mouth speaks of wisdom but your eyes are blind to the beauty of yourself and the wealth hidden deep inside a poor man's mind because if there's one thing that I'll ever know, it's that the richest person in this whole **** world holds nothing to your heart of gold.

Unfold your wings and learn how to fly. Rise up from the floor where you were kicked to the ground without even making a sound because you think you deserve this. But I'm telling you right now that your nerves have been shot by the place you were brought up in. A home is not a home when daddy steals all your money just to pay off a loan and mommy's already thinking about where to put her tombstone.

Get out of this place that has caused so much hate; break free from this trap you're in and make your escape. Take my hand and I'll help you land safely on a ground that's free from the mound of shattered glass you've been trying to surpass your whole life. Leave the knife behind and push the bad thoughts from your mind because it's time to get away.

iii.

Here's to you, my two warriors. My carriers of on. My musketeers.

Rest your weary eyes, I say, forget your demise and keep your eyes on the prize: life. Just keep breathing, and even at the times when your heart won't stop bleeding and your lungs start heaving and you crumple to the floor – remember this:

No matter how deep that blade slices into your soft smooth skin, no matter how much you hate yourself and long for release, no matter how much that bottle of pills tempts you into thinking it's the only thing that will ease your tired body to sleep tonight, hold onto these five words and never let them go:

*I will love you more.

Today, I will be brave.
I will admit to the fact that I still haven't found that happiness I've been searching for.
It could be the fact that I haven't looked hard enough, or maybe I've just been looking too hard.
It could be the fact that there's a hormone in our bodies called serotonin, but my therapist says that I don't produce enough and that's why I have this thing that she calls depression.

So I take pills to make me feel better and that might be weird, you can think that if you want because the truth is that I think I'm weird too. Sometimes I think my weirdness is good, I can make people laugh if I really want to and I think that's pretty cool but there's also a bad weirdness to me that makes me feel really sad even though my life truly isn't all that bad but I can't help it. I can't just tell myself that everything's going to be okay because sometimes I don't even think I believe that anymore.

But today, I will be brave.
I will admit to the fact that yes, I have scars. But you know what? I have a birth mark on my right leg. I have freckles on my arms, I have ten fingers and a heart that pumps blood into my lungs and my lungs help me breathe. I have brown eyes and approximately one hundred and fifty hairs growing out of my eyelids that protect them from dust.

Yes, maybe I have purposely tried to hurt myself but so what? People say that whatever doesn't **** you only makes you stronger. Well I must be pretty **** powerful because every day is a war between life and death and I may not think that I'm beautiful, or smart, or worthy, but I have a broken heart that's still beating and a terrifying mind that is still able to think about the children in Africa and the people suffering from cancer and the lonely girl in my class that I wish I had the courage to talk to and tell her that we are all human. We may not feel that we deserve to be alive but we have blood coursing through our veins and purity in our souls and mouths that are capable of speaking every single language in the world and brains that hold an infinite amount of knowledge and bones that allow us to move and hearts that can love.

So please, be brave.
Put the gun down. Step away from the bridge, throw the pills away, untie the knot and stay with us. Use your bones to lift your hand and place it to the left of your chest and feel the vibration of the most important ***** in your body pulsing, keeping you alive. And that, my friend, is called purpose. You are still here despite everything that's ever happened to you. You survived the day when your best friend stopped calling and the day you waited two hours for that person who never showed up and the day you got picked up early from school to have your parents watch you get beat up on the playground and that's the day when they realized that their daughter is a loser but it's okay because you survived. You ignored the monster in your mind that is constantly knocking on doors but never being let in because you had the courage to say "stop. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel good about myself."

You are not a freak. You are not a loser. You are not fat, you are not ugly, you are not stupid. You are sixty percent water, sixty-five percent oxygen, eighteen percent carbon and one hundred percent human. Do not hate your body, you're beautiful. Do not hate your scars. Love them. Learn from them. Be the person who can say "yes, life was a battle and I didn’t come out untouched. I was beaten down and torn apart and bleeding from the skin and the heart. But I won." You conquered the bloodiest war, and you are so brave.

Yes, life is full of grief, and tragedy, and so much pain. Life is full of evil people and sickness and days where all you want to do is just get out of this place with so much hatred and cruelty and unfairness. But I have seen someone helping a stranger on the sidewalk, children holding doors open for the elderly, and love. So much love. And that's gotta be enough. We have to find a reason. We have to discover that one thing that will save us; that one good thing in this world that will give us hope. Hope that some day, things will be better.

But today, we will be brave.
Braver than yesterday, yet not as brave as we will be tomorrow. We will wake up with a smile on our face, and we will look in the mirror and say to ourselves:

"We are not our parents, we are not our siblings, or our teachers, or our friends, or our enemies. We are only ourselves. But one day, we will become doctors, we will become writers and lawyers and activists and dancers and rock stars. We will be mothers and fathers and lovers. We will not be perfect. But one day, our bruises will heal and our scars will fade and our pain will lessen and our smiles will become genuine. We will admit to the fact that bad days happen, but we will have so many good days and those are the ones that matter. We will not be our past, we will not be our mistakes, we will not be our fallen tears or our heart aches. We will be human, and one day, we will change the world."

Every minute,
twitter receives ninety eight
thousand tweets
and facebook just got
six hundred ninety five
thousand status updates
and in the time that it took for
someone to type out
"today *****"
a heart was broken
a peanut butter jar was emptied
someone just got caught in the storm
while another girl dances in the rain
a newborn took their first breath
and someone took their last
but a caterpillar turned into a
beautiful butterfly
just as an earthworm
shrivelled up on the sidewalk.

A mathematician's son
forces himself to write down
equations out of pure fear
that his father would get angry
if he told him he'd rather be an
artist and paint a picture
of daffodils and sunsets
and maybe even the
pretty girl who sits behind him
in class but the truth is that
she could never ever like someone
who wears rounded glasses
and attends all his classes
because hey, that's not cool.
Cool is skipping school
and taking your first drag
on a cigarette and
maybe even having ***
at a stranger's house with
a strange boy who never
even cared to ask you for
your name because
it's all just a game anyway
so stop asking so much
you're losing you're losing
stop.

At this moment in time,
a father came home drunk
because his life is another word
for something that comes out of
your **** and that's when he hit
his daughter for the very first time
but it certainly won't be the last
and no one else knows but that night
she set fire to her dream catcher
because she thought
it wasn't doing its job right.
It never ever ever kept the
nightmares at bay
because they stayed with her
every night and every day
and that's when she realized that
the nightmares were coming
from inside of her head
but it's okay it's okay
daddy said tears are for
weak people and she
must be strong
because how can you not be
when everyday you endure
three punches
two smacks
and a kiss
on the lips
for good luck.

At this moment,
a girl fell down while
walking to school
while another girl
watched and laughed
and a penniless lady
is stripped of her clothing
and dancing in a way that
no one should dance
just so she could feed her infant son
who can no longer breastfeed due to
his mother's alcohol addiction
but somewhere somehow
there's a rainbow coming up
after a day of grey skies
and a constant raincloud that
drooped over everyone
but it's okay because
a dying wildflower
just had the most
amazing drink
and you might think
that this life has no meaning
since we're all going to die
eventually and I know
that your cheeks hurt
from smiling and your
mouth can't tell
anymore lies
I'm happy I'm happy
don't look me in the eye.

Just remember that we
all feel pain and we all
have those days where
we just can't win
but let me tell you:
at this moment in time,
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
and you'll be
okay.