Atomic boys and girls play with their atomic toys and curls,
At 18 years old she was atom bombs,
Gloomy and angry, 16 years old, she used to draw mushroom clouds on her bedroom walls

She always thought to herself,
How strange it is to be anything at all,
21 years old, she realized how badly it hurts to become

She was in love with the sadness, and she wore it on her sleeve in place of her heart, already too broken to keep together all in one place,
She was always so afraid of the dark, so it never went well, always causing the power to go out, it would take days, sometimes weeks for the lights to come back on,
But even after, it seemed as if no one wanted to come close in fear of the radiation

We did drugs, we rolled our windows down, we drove too fast, we tuned the radio until we heard God start playing air raid sirens, and we sang until our bodies became bombs

Always until the light came on, he promised her,
Whether it be the sunrise,
The moonlight,
Headlights,
Night lights,
Lamp shades

It didn't matter, he would never leave her alone in the dark,
He would bring an umbrella every night, knowing she would rain on him, it didn't matter, he loved her, enough to wear a raincoat year around, he even built a raft for when it rained hard, when even she thought she would drown, for when things became too much

She loved the the way his mouth seemed like comfort to her,
The way his arms were always around her, and the way his phone calls seemed like get well cards,
She told herself that she wouldn't let it get like this, but she did,
He told her that he wasn't going to leave her, but he did,
I guess everyone's a little bit of a liar in the end, right?

We danced until our bodies spilt our souls and then we fell into the December cold, right into the snow,
Until there was nothing left,
Until everything seemed to be just a bright flash

Let's all go play Nagasaki, we can all get vaporized, hold my hand, let's turn to ash I'll see you on the other side

I swear it's better, over there, where we can finally see the birds flying all around the air, where the heartbreak actually sets you free, where it doesn't hurt to breathe

Let's all go and meet our maker, they won't care who's side you're own,
I was so afraid, I prayed and prayed,
Before I learned to love the bomb

Let's all go play Nagasaki, what a lovely way to die,
I was so afraid, I prayed and prayed

Until I fell in love with the bomb

Ice cold,
Heart's stole,
The feeling's dry on the riverbank

You're gone,
I'm worn,
There's only you to thank

Tired and dragged on,
Sleeping on the thought of you,
My body's cold,
It's missing you

Playing notes on a keyboard,
Singing loud,
Playing loud,
My eyes are sore

Can't eat,
Can't dream,
Having nightmares

Seeing you,
Feeling you,
It was all new to me

You hide,
I breathe,
And I count to three

It's perfectly okay, I'm afraid, too

I could start fires with what I feel for you

Reassembling the pieces shattered on inconvenience,
Smoking my lucky,
Trying to imagine what the taste of your lips would be like against a shattered nose,
Blacking out and bleeding profusely for my beliefs and opinions,

What a time to thrive,
What a time to thrive,
WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

Waking up on the floor with a black eye, holding on to the floor; the only solid thing left in my world,
To the progress made and to the progress I have left to make,
Sipping fine wine and then chugging what's left of the pack of PBR,
Getting wasted on my youth and everything involving it,

A drunken recipient of happiness and sadness all at the same time,
What a ******* mess we have made,
I just hope the cleanup doesn't take as long as the mess did to make,

Even if you don't look back, be sure to know who was there and where they've gone now,
******* white and pitch black,
My worst fears, my worst fears,

I am just learning,
I have given so much hell,
Don't stop talking to me, I haven't been listening

Does it ever cross your mind that what is, maybe never was supposed to be

That maybe what was supposed to be, isn't worth mentioning

Maybe we're supposed to settle for what we know we can have

I never seem to branch out

It kills me to realize what I want is so far out of reach

It's unfortunate that I feel the need to settle for what I know I can have, never opening up and going after what I should have,
because what I should have, I don't have the confidence to go after

My head keeps telling me that I deserve absolutely nothing, but I've never heard a story end like this

When you fight this hard for this long,
It's hard to think you don't deserve it

I've been in these battles and these wars for what seems like years, and what do I have to show for it

A dwindling sense of self-confidence and a smile so fake not even plastic can describe it

I play myself for a ******* fool

You see, my head and my heart are two very separate beings

My heart is constantly tugging and pulling at my head to drive just a little bit longer,
that this sense of peace is just a little bit further

My heart beats consistently only wanting to show just how far I have come,
but my head is content just where it is

My heart always talks to my head, but my head never listens

Cold sweats and shower heads leak into the seams of our worst fears and dreads,
Momma didn't raise no fool,
I'll be good as dead when they finally show

Relapse,
Relapse,
Relapse

I can feel it again,
The existential dread,
Crawling through my bones, out of my skin and into my head

My best friend is my wall,
I drink to numb the feeling,
She don't love me, but she loves my mom

Tonight we are leaving and we are never coming back the same way

Relapse,
Relapse,
Relapse

I've got a feeling,
A feeling of the cold and hazy blue,
I can feel you, I can feel you,
I've been thinking too much of you

Relax,
Relax,
Relax

I'll keep hitting it, I'll keep taking it in, willingly,
Because you asked me to

Your love of the yellow rose,
My cuts and the yellow thorns,
I'm torn and you don't feel it,
It's okay, I would never ask you to

If I could go back, if I could change anything,
I'd change the way you looked at me,
Only heaven knows the way I look at you

I've been dragging the lake for my friends,
I'll never find any because they're all dead

Relapse,
Relax,
Recompose,
Rot,
Decompose

I've been thinking too much of you

Every poem's about who I don't want to write about anymore,
The ones who got away,
The ones who chose to leave,
The ones I pushed out,
All of them

These poems are full of the skeletons from past friends and lovers, gone but not forgotten,
Never forgotten actually,
My mind could never get rid of any of them

I'm feeling it all,
All of them all over me,
Suffocating me,
Radiating a toxic hymn from the depths of everything wrong with this world,
Humming a toon that could only be heard through the ears of the broken,
An apocalyptic afterthought of an apocalyptic messiah

If I choose to die, who will live?
If I choose to live, who will die?

How long until I am forgotten,
How long until I am a skeleton,
How long until I am just an afterthought,
An unpopular opinion thrown onto a popular back burner,
Everywhere I go, I have my back turned,
Everywhere we went, she couldn't look me in the eye,
I can't even look myself in the eye

How long until I forget about you?
All of you,
All of you,
How long?

I don't want to become obsessed with you just when you become undressed,
Would you, fall in love with me as much as I fell in love with you,
I want to, gather up all the stars and put them in a bag for you,
I want to, fly you to the moon,
Would you, kiss me in the rain until all we see is sunshine,
Burn bright,
Our passion and our worst fears just seem to collide,
Every time I'm with you,
Every time I'm with you,
Everything else just seems to fade away

I can't usually see, but this, I can see clear as day,
Everywhere your mind goes, I follow, even if I won't want to, I'll go there anyway,
There are 12 months in a year and trust me when I tell you that I'll find 12 different ways to love you, if you just gave me a chance,
I don't like dancing, but may I have this dance?
Let me put it this way,
You fit me better than my favorite pair of pants

Told me you wish I wasn't so pretty so you didn't have to try so hard,
Hold you, in my arms, watch you fall asleep, I can only hope you dream of me and not someone else,

This isn't a love song, this isn't a love poem,
I don't want you to turn this up until you can't hear anything else,
I just want you to look at me like you look at everyone else

I've grasped onto every possible option available to me,
I've sang the hymns, I've had the drinks, I've prayed the prayers,

So close, yet so far,
An eclipse of emotions and actions, one taking turn over the other,
A sad messiah weeps on the alter of everyone and begs for chance after chance,
I love you so much, but do yourself a favor and don't give me one

Be someone I can rely on, it's all I'm asking, I guess that's a little too much,
I guess I'm just a little too much

You told me to text you whenever I got home safe,
Well I hope you're willing to wait,
Because I'm not really sure where home even is anymore,
Better yet you're better off thinking I passed away,
It's been a long time since I caught a buzz off of love,
All I've been knowing lately is heartbreak,
All I've been looking forward to lately is yesterday,
Nostalgia eating me up like my happiness is at stake

I never knew Sadness until Happiness decided it was time to part ways,
She was a drug over and over I was willing to take,
She made my whole body feel like a gun and She made the whole world look gray,
She convinced me that colors were only out to get me,
It's crazy how little it takes

I can still see the fear in Her eyes and I can still feel Her heartbeat,
She's scared,
She knows She won't last long so She's doing the best She can with what She's got,
She's got a tiger in Her spine and fire coming out of Her face but She won't last long here,
It never really lasts long here

She's the kind of girl you take pictures of when you're in a museum looking at pictures of what once was,
She's here and She knows it,
That's the sad part,
Nothing happy about this,
Not a lot,
Not even a little,
Riddle me with birds and bees and I still wouldn't be able to tell you who I've stung and,
Please,
When She enters the room, give all of your attention to Her feet,
If I don't get on my knees She'll make this way worse than it has to be

I'm not sure how or when it gets better,
Or if sadness (I mean she) goes away,
All I know is that to this day, I've been sitting here, waiting,
Maybe,
Just maybe,
Happiness, again
Will show Her face

A sadistic sickened scatter brain is something I consider myself to be
Not in the over emotional attention seeking teenager kind of way, more in the overthinking pain seeker, seeking love and affection where I know I'll get hurt
It isn't much of wanting to get hurt, it's more like wanting to be with someone so badly that you don't care how badly you're getting hurt because of it, someone who over analyzes how to get someone else to fall in love with them, forgetting to care about themselves and only caring about the person they want so badly to be in love with

It really shouldn't be hard, it should be easy
I know I don't ever shut the **** up about you, but I can't help myself
As much as I hate this, I can't stop
You're everything I want
Really you aren't, I really don't know what it is about you
Maybe it's your recklessness and how badly I wish I didn't care about everything like you don't
You pull off danger in the most seductive way, always on some **** that I've never heard of, and I ache so badly to have you
You're a ******* car crash and let me be the first to tell you that I'd die for a rush like you

You live on the edge and I'm stuck in my safe place
I'm finally coming to the realization that being in my safe place is good for me
You're just so enticing, I'd do anything to get a taste
Maybe it's the lust that's trying to convince me that this isn't love
Maybe this is love and we're just too young
You keep coming into my life and I can't tell if I should appreciate it or hate it
Either way, I don't know what I'd do without it
I don't know what I'd do without you

It ***** to be so attached to someone that doesn't even really know you're in love with them
It's been five years and your face was and still is the only face that could make my heart flutter with a simple glance
I just wish I knew what was holding me back
I don't know if it's a sign, that I should keep away, that you're a mistake
Or if it's just my head holding me back because of the ones who came into my life and rocked my world so badly that I don't have the ability to trust anything or anyone anymore
I don't know if the ones who ruined me were there to make me realize that you're my diamond in the rough, or if they taught me to stay away from bad feelings like this one

I know I should talk to you, but instead, here's another poem documenting the breaking of my heart
Maybe that's why I'm so self loathing
If I hurt myself, no one else has the chance to

You don't even need to break my heart, I'm doing it myself

I feel like I am living inside of my worst nightmare’s fever dreams,
I’ve been dreaming for better days,
I’ve been hoping the feeling might stay

Or, go away, whatever is better,
I can’t make up my mind on what happiness could and should be,
I’ve been too busy hoping for something,
I’m not sure what, though

When my mother looked at me with tears in her eyes when the latest celebrity killed themselves, and asked me if that’s how I feel sometimes,
I didn’t really know what to say

I remember being 8 years old and telling my mother that I was afraid to go to the swimming pool because I did not know how to swim

I never learned how to swim and I do not know how to tell that to my mother

None of my friends ever learned how to swim either and I guess you could say that we just never learned how to hold our breaths long enough to notice any difference

Around here, where everything is so underwater, where everyone you talk to is so under the weather,
It’s hard to keep any of it under the radar,
We do not know how to swim and we do not know how to tell our mothers

So instead, we crowd into our cars, roll the windows down, crank up the radio, and enjoy the air that we have, hoping that if there is a God, they are enjoying the company with us

We just have to learn how to turn the wasps in our heads into bumblebees,
Pollinate the dead flowers regardless of if they have any life left,
Dance in the rain like everyone is watching,
And not care if our guardian angels get embarrassed for us,
I might be a little crazy, we all might be a little crazy,
I haven’t quite decided yet

None of us are going to make it out alive here, so let’s just drown our brains in antidepressants and good memories, we have to block out the bad ones somehow

I was raised a pacifist but I swear I'd fight my head until the cops come in,
Hope the demons come to get me, pray the Lord will come and take me,
Even my own friends hate me but I don't give a ****, I wish it'd end, I'll go out without a safety and I'll regret nothing

Up for what seems like three days,
I don't go to class like I'm supposed to on week days,
Mama, I promise I wanna learn but I can't remember anything for the life of me,
I'm too busy spending my time forgetting,
Throwing my head against the wall,
Face down in the dirt trying to figure it out,
Surrounded by fallout, drinking water from the rotten ground,
A smile from ear to ear but none of it's real, I'll drown in the creek before I tell you how I really feel

All I know how to do is breakup,
It's just so hard to make a makeup,
It's fake when I look up,
Look down, I'm hungry, eat the paper,
Recycle the words, been here for days, throw up the takeout,
You make my skin feel *****, enough to breakout,
It's all in a day's work, you know?
Being a wreck, but I can't complain too much because I'm the creator

Sundays are my sad days and Mondays are my bad days and Tuesdays are my mad days and Wednesdays are my glad days,
Another half week down the drain,
I give, you take, you're real, I'm fake,
You say I'm too much to handle but a little glue and some feathers, baby, I could be your angel,
I'll fight your demons faster than you can say Amen,
Hey man, it's me again, thought I'd stop by and let you know that I love you and you're a good friend and I hate seeing you so sad, so let's get some lunch soon,
But we both know I'll never see you again

I wanna feel it in my skin, be intoxicated, grow flowers from the roots of my veins and crush my bones into powder used to polish the statues I made of you, when I see them I just want to scream louder,
Louder until it's all over and the lights are off because I've lost power, see, there's a storm coming and it's raging harder than I ever have and the skies are getting darker than my heart ever has been

Loopholes in the soft sand,
Broke down but I still can,
Imagine a point in time when I never wanted any of this to end,
How childish of me to waste time giving a **** about the fakes and the loose ends,
Got good friends but I'm still down,
Got bad vibes but I still smile,
Got a lot to give but I'll only give a little,
Because I'm scared,
And that's natural

I just want to keep it coming until they have to stop me,
I just want to let them know that there's no hell without a heaven, I'm looking down the barrel, sniffing lead, wishing for poison, go ahead, let it be, I'm going a hundred miles an hour,
I may or may not be their guy and I do know I'm lying, but I've never told a lie

The moment we say enough is enough is the moment we die

Mental illness, put simply, is not knowing how to explain what it feels like, and feeling like it wouldn’t even matter, even if you did know

Mental illness, put simply, is not,
It isn’t simple,
I watched my best friends hurt themselves to feel things because their bodies did magic tricks to make them feel like everything felt like nothing,
Like everything, should feel like nothing,
Like nothing, is what everything feels like

Last week I talked to my mother about her anxiety, and the god she prays to for it hasn’t emailed her back, yet she keeps refreshing her inbox,
I wonder if that’s how you explain it

As a suicidal teenager, I used to sneak out of my bedroom window at night and take walks around my neighborhood, telling myself that maybe if I looked hard enough into the moon, God would meet me halfway,
This isn’t a poem about losing faith, but man, where’s the faith store and who can help me find some? I’m broke, don’t get me wrong, but that’s how faith works, right?

A few weeks ago, a mutual friend of mine dove head first back into drugs, claiming that her goal was to just simply, feel something, after taking such a long time to finally feel nothing

Breathe slow, take it easy, it’s gonna be a long ride,
Crack the window, you’ll be fine,
Set yourself on fire, just so you can say you’ve finally put yourself out,
Strap in if you want to, but only if you want to

A) I’ve met people who take it neck deep, feet first, fast, and relentlessly,
B) I’ve met people who keep the bandages on,
C) I’ve met people who don’t have any bandages, constantly drowning in the mess they think they’ve created,
D) I’ve met people who think that they would rather be dead,
E) I’ve met people who don’t want to think about it anymore

Hello, nice to meet you, I’m F) all of the above,
And I want to talk to you about the months and months I’ve spent in a row, wide awake in pools of sweat, shivering in my blankets, knowing that nothing could possibly be as ugly as this poem, but **** man, nothing is much prettier, everything is ugly, so nothing is pretty

Hello, nice to meet you, I’m nothing, none of us are everything,

We are all nothing,

Aren’t we all so pretty?

Sorry, I've just got a lot happening.
I'm no longer able to stand the bright lights, so I've been standing off to the side trying to think of something to say so everything will get off of my back and leave me alone because it's unbelievably hard to manage stress like this.

Of all things, consider these:

You are sitting in an airplane and the pilot comes over the speaker and explains that you are thirty thousand feet in the air and something horribly wrong is happening to the plane. You have roughly twenty minutes until the plane will be forced into the ocean.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

You are dying of lung cancer and you have roughly three months until your body has no choice but to stop working all together.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

Your father is lying on his death bed and he is confessing his sins and apologizing for never cheering you on when you were trying to get your act together.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

Of all things, consider what is really happening here.
Will you be the one to hide under your blanket when the wind picks up and knocks the tree branches onto your window on stormy nights, or will you be the one to embrace it all and accept it for what it really is?

I've been thinking a lot lately, almost too much, and I've reached a point where the end is almost as rational as the beginning. In other words, it isn't.
Nothing makes sense when you really think about it, so why even think about it?
All I want to think about is the number of roses I have left to see in my life, and I do not want to miss a single one.

I'm not sure when I'll be returned to the roses from which I came, but when I finally reach them again, I hope that I can smell them just one more time.
I always pass the roses in my life and rarely do I ever stop to smell them.
I make a lot of mistakes, but that's probably my biggest thus far.

I'll be jealous of the people with green thumbs I'll meet in heaven, they spent their lives taking care of beauty, and all I did was spend too much time thinking about it.
Of all things I've considered, life is a garden and I just cannot find a place to start digging. Maybe one of these days my mind will stop racing and I will comfortably find a place that I want to plant my roses in.

Until then, you'll find me in the shadows of it all, just thinking of something to get myself by.

Everything seems to be pitch black and quiet
I'm alright with this, considering I've grown tired of being in the spotlight
I don't remember how I got here or how long I've been here, but everything looks and smells so vibrant
I'm laying in what looks to be an endless meadow of roses
Everything is so beautiful over here

The last few things I can remember involve a couple of pill bottles, a couple glasses of water, and falling asleep with my TV on
I hope I haven't been sleeping long, I don't want to worry anyone
Maybe this is a dream
Something so wonderful like this couldn't possibly exist in the real world

I see people walking around way over there, but to be honest, I don't even want to bother them
I'm having the best time in the world just resting here in the roses, it feels like home
The people looked like flowers at last
I want to cut myself open and let my entire body pour out around me here
I wonder if the vines will wrap around me and turn me into something beautiful
The weird part is that I'm not even jealous anymore
I don't even need to plant my roses anywhere, I'm completely surrounded by them and they look to be all mine

I suddenly felt a shock and my chest lit up in the pitch black of what felt like the promised land
I woke up but I couldn't open my eyes because the lights were brighter than they had ever been
I saw my mother quickly reach for me but another woman immediately stopped her

"Your son is in shock, please don't touch him, it could make things worse"

Where in the hell am I?
Is this a hospital?
Where's my meadow?
Where are the roses?
Why is everything so bright?
Everything is so loud!

The doctors repeatedly shock my chest while my mother grows hysterical next to me
I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear
I only wanted to take a nap, honest


--

A few years have passed
My therapist made me start my own garden
I'm embarrassed I couldn't do it on my own, but I'm glad he made me do it, or else I probably wouldn't have
I still write in the same journal I got from my grandmother when I was a small child in hopes that she sees me, wherever she is, and that she knows I'm still fighting for myself
My garden is growing like a wildfire and some days it's the only thing that makes me smile
At least I can still smile

It's been a very long time, but I can still remember my adventure like it happened yesterday
If this is what death is, I'm upset that everyone fears it so badly

*Everything was so beautiful over there and the people finally looked like flowers at last

And we will feel sorry for ourselves because our bodies do not know where to go now,
We are just ghosts without a set of bones to haunt,
And when the sirens sound and everyone is boarding the emergency boats, we will not move,
And we will sink with the ship,
And we will float to the bottom of everything

Weren’t we so beautiful then, when our eyes could burn holes into the sun,
When our tears could grow gardens,
And weren’t we so indifferent to sadness then,
I can still see the look on your father’s face, a decade ago, when he was holding you in that photograph,
Everything around you was like a wildfire,
And I would still welcome the burns with open arms because I know heartbreak gives way to success regardless, I just wish success meant a way to not be forgotten

We are so busy mending our brokenness that we forget to love one another,
And we are guilty by association to the circumstances we create for ourselves,
Strangers,
I never thought I’d feel this much for a stranger,
I never thought that we’d be strangers,
I’m just glad we had plenty of time to eat our hearts out

And I’m sure there are wine bottles in my kitchen for every letter in your name and I am sure that I could drink all of them and still remember your name,
And I will bury your memories inside of someone else and I am sure they will be just like you

He looked like her father when he hit her
But this time, the bruises didn't stick around long enough for her friends to realize
It was all just one big misunderstanding
However love is not tough when tough involves fists
And fists are not tough when you love someone like this

I remember the first time I met you
You were so angry
You were crying
I walked up to you and I didn't even have to ask what was wrong
You just gave me a big hug and said to me "Cherish those around you before they are stolen out from under your feet"

The bones that break are the same bones that rebuild themselves ten times stronger
Your bones could build a bridge
And it would be so beautiful

"I am a work in progress and you will just have to deal with me" is one of the things I remember you saying to me
Those lips are the same lips that kissed mine when I told you that you were getting more and more beautiful by the day

Although your paint is still drying
Your colors are so vibrant and they blend so well together
You are going to turn out so beautiful
And everyone is going to admire you
Everyone on this planet
Everyone in this universe
You are a work of art

God bless the angel who protects you
God bless the angel who sent you

I can't help these tendencies to push people away from me,
I can't sleep, I'm too busy awake dreaming,
We all go to sleep in the same place, I just wish I didn't wake up feeling the same way,
Last night they said the fire had spread but I didn't even move my feet, I knew I couldn't change a thing, I let the fire consume me and from the ashes I was reborn, an angel drunk off Jesus' wine, I tried to look at the clock but the arms were broken, I guess we're all broken, even time

No care in the world,
A numb ******* hypocrite,
Dumb, ******* ridiculous,
I'm sick of it,
I want your body so badly, I'll do anything, I'll even rip my own wings off, I never deserved them anyway,
You never deserved me anyway, and I'll say it,
When it came to our love we were spastic, We were made out of glass but we acted like we were plastic,
We knew it was fake, but we acted like we would've lasted,
It just ended with you laughing in my face, I thought I saw right through you, like nothing was going to go wrong, but I guess you broke my glasses,
I can never seem to see straight

I wanna be pure, I wanna go back in time before I was hurt,
I want what I deserve,
And I don't deserve this,
Or maybe I do, and I'm just having a hard time getting up the nerve to notice

My body is a disaster, I haven't cleaned it in months,
I've been waiting for you to visit so I decorated my walls,
But my insides are a wasteland, especially my lungs,
I just couldn't kick your habits after you kicked me in the heart,
But I can't say that I'm sorry, because I'm not

It's not like it used to be,
I got so used to you, but it felt like you were never used to me,
It felt like you were using me,
And I was so used to being used that I got used to feeling like no one was ever going to use me but you showed up and I gave you a crown made out of roses, you sat on everything I owned,
You will look for me in everyone new that you meet but you will never find me because I treated you like a queen,
And you got used to it, just like I get used to everything,
And now that you're gone, I'm getting used to being alone

At this point it doesn't even hurt anymore, I'm used to being alone

I imagine god’s fingertips to be the size of every broken bone I haven’t tried to fix,
When he died he took all of it with him,
and when he came back three days later,
he became heartbreak,
a martyr of sorts, if you will,
And every time I try to talk to him, he is too tired to respond,
but I do not blame him,
he is doing his best

My grandmother’s lungs gave up on her and collapsed into dust like they once were before all of this,
like all of ours will do some day on a hill of a million sunsets,
where every broken bone will no longer need surgery,
and every bursted vein will bleed into a thousand different eternities

I promise myself that one day I will walk this world over and not stop until everything is on fire, and everyone is crying over someone else,
and I will slip into every crack and crease that my toes feel,
and I will love it and I will die for it,
Just  like how I have loved them and I have died for them,
for as far back as I can remember

the sun always reminds me of someone else,
and the problem with it is that I’ve never looked at the sun and thought about myself,
I have been too busy writing my own obituary onto every inch of my body,
so when they find me suffocated under a pile of my own traffic jams,
they will know how I ended up here,
because god knows that I won’t

I have been too busy filling my bones with gasoline,
so that when they break, you will be able to set them on fire,
I don’t want to be cremated, I just wanna burn out of here,
I don’t want to be put into the ground because cemeteries seem like our way of never ever being able to let go of what is able to **** us

We are all made of iron in some way,
I have bad days some days,
On good days I am sleepy in a lustful way,
And on bad days I am tired in a jealous way,
I’m not saying I’m unstoppable,
but if you catch me under the right light,
I might just seem that way

I’m not sure where I came from,
or where I’m going,
but all of us, you, me, everyone here,
we are all going,
and we won’t stop,
never stop, never stop,
We will go on forever and ever,
even after we think we can’t anymore

Until the angels hang us up by our shoulders and personally read us all of the sins we’ve committed over our lifetimes,
And our grandpas tell us the last stories they can remember from the great war,
And our skin shrinks itself until the only thing we have left to feel is absolutely everything,
all at once,
all the time

So while we continue to walk this wide world over,
until we grow so exhausted that every breath we take seems like fire coming out of the mouth of every honest person that has ever told us a lie,
We need to realize that our jobs consist of nothing besides simply breathing,
Simply breathing,
Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Deep breath in, deep breath out

Take it slow,
Become comfortable, whatever comfortable means to you,
Take a warm shower,
Make yourself clean,
Wash away all of the ugly you think you have left in your skin,
Deep breath out,
Deep breath in

Breathe

Live freely
Love wildly
Be lawless
Spit in the face of your enemies
Light a match and swallow the flame
Believe in yourself
Believe in a god
Forget the difference
Relive the war
Ride with all of the windows down
Embrace your identity
Become one with sincerity
Befriend strangers
Party until you drop
Wake up in the morning and regret nothing
Live fast
Die young
Die fast
Live forever
This is real
It always has been
Inevitable
Inexcusable
Unbearable
Free
Clap your hands
Applaud those around you for making it this far
You are beautiful
You are worth it
You are living
You are perfect
Stay awake to see the sunrise
Smoke a cigarette for the moon
Take a shot to see the stars
Forgive
Do not forget
You have made it this far
This is not the end
But a wonderful beginning
Watch as the lights go out
Watch as the crowd all shouts

*If we live forever, we will suffer
If we live forever, we will suffer

The streets are running rampant with loneliness and exhaustion
The kids are breaking bottles just so their hearts aren't the only things being broken

Your lips are the only lips a lost boy like me needs
It's a shame that your lipstick is all over my neck
The others are going to be fooled into thinking I'm the only one you're hooking up with

Kick the **** out of me so I know I'm still alive, I'll be sure to put up a fight
It just really ***** to hear you say "I love you" and then watch you turn around and fall into the arms of another like I never even mattered to you
I wish you'd just say it
I wish you'd tell me that I never mattered
That way I won't stay up all night thinking about you
I'll most likely think about you regardless,
I'm just not sure what would hurt more
Thinking that I never mattered to you, or knowing that I never mattered to you

I just hope you think about me when you're in a bedroom with another
I hope my name is in your head when you moan his and I hope you can feel my hands wrapped around your throat when you're choking on the lust you're giving into

The worst part is the fact that I can see and feel the blood coming out from where you stabbed me
I just hope I can manage to pull the knife out fast enough to pour completely out for you because I know you love it fast and you love it everywhere

It's a small world but an even smaller place in my heart for you
Maybe someday the place will finally shrink enough to not exist
Unfortunately until then, you're always welcome here, whether I like it or not

We are all in one way or another, bugs on a windshield,
Some of us are the bugs, some of us are the windshield, some of us are the car, some of us are all of these

We tattoo each other’s names in Braille on our chests to see how bumpy the roads are going to look, and how painful it’s actually all going to be,
We keep them there forever, or, long enough for our mothers to see

How much beauty and life comes to an abrupt end when we are flying fast and relentless, hitting a windshield,
I wonder how long the driver of the car will even bother to worry about it,
Just turn on the wipers and get the guts off of the view of the sunrises and sunsets

We are all in one way or another just, bugs on a windshield,
I am the windshield,
When I get ***** from someone else, I like to imagine that I can just turn my wipers on and wipe away everything they carried around with them for all of that time,
On my body, you can find stains left from all of the bugs that have killed themselves on my skin,
Their blood and juices, permanently a home in my creases, I stay awake trying to paint a better picture of the sunrises and sunsets for the people driving me

We are all in one way or another just, bugs on a windshield,
Other times, I am the car,
A soulless machine built to carry luggage from one point to another,
A hard shell built to protect everyone who finds solace in me,
Do not worry,
The bugs mean nothing,
That is what my windshield is for

Just keep listening to the radio,
I can turn my wipers on

You might as well just burn me with that magnifying glass
I'm better off dead than being searched for, or at least that's what my skeletons have told me
What do they know though, they're just piles of ash
However, everything that was once made of fire and brimstone is now ash, so it does make me wonder

The sun rays cascade into a quiet valley, not a soul in sight
I am a house built between two hills, or for lack of a better term, between a rock and a hard place
The lights are on but no one is home
If someone were to go looking, they'd find me inside the caves of my mind
Bar fights, fist fights, blood all along the lines
My head is a rather filthy place to stop by
I'd stay away if I were you

However, you aren't the first, and you most definitely won't be the last
I may be a wreck, but this is only a little bump in the road
Once it's my turn to go, I'll never stop again
The gasoline I've been filled with will drive me for years
You left and I've been a little twisted ever since
What else can a broken man do besides cope the best he knows how

I wish you'd come back so I could beat the **** out of you for what you've done to me
Let's be honest here though
We both know I wouldn't touch you
Not because I would be scared to
Mostly because acid rots flesh and your skin is more acidic than your personality ever could be

I wish I could bury you and dig you back up again
Maybe that way you'd know what it feels like to be covered in dirt that you can't get out of
If history repeats itself then I guess I'll learn to roll in my grave
Nothing's funny, I just want you to know how it feels to have someone turn their back on you

A hundred years from now I'll be nothing but a pile of ashes
You know what they say though
Everything that was once made of fire and brimstone is now ash
My youth was a raging wildfire that didn't stop for anyone
You weren't the first and most definitely won't be the last

Hello, 4am, it's me again,
Hello, grandmother, I'm sorry I never called you again,
Hello, mother, father, I wish it was me speaking

How many times do I have to say it, Son? It's just your emotions,
Father, it feels like my emotions are waves, and I'm at war with the ocean,
Momma, I was kinda hoping that you'd listen while I still had the chance to say something

I guess this is all for boasting,
Maybe if I share it online, my name will get a couple of postings,
My twitter feed will grow famous,
My pretty and depressed Tumblr blog will attract the ones like them, the ones who use sadness as an accessory,
The ones who don't take it seriously, but really just "hate themselves more than anything",
I can't ******* take any of you seriously,
Seriously, there's a monster in my head and it's burrowing itself out to cover for me

I'm not even here anymore,
I might as well not even pretend to be,
It's hard to be bright when the dark is all that you see,
She, is all that I see,
He, is all that I see,
Them, they, are all that I see,
I don't want to ******* see anything,
I just want to melt the ice and see the roses in the spring

But don't mind me,
It's not like I'll make any of this apparent for others to see,
It's kind of hard to do something like that when the blue you see is black to me and the grass is grey, not even a little green

Trust me, I've tried the drinking,
And yes, I've tried the smoking,
But none of it is helping, not even a little bit, I still feel it, I still see it,
I still feel hollow
I don't want to be alone,
I just want to feel at home,
But I don't

I'm tired,
I'm tired

I called God to ask him if I could still get into Heaven if I killed myself,
The operator told me that God called in sick today,
Take this as a plea for help, yes,
Take this back to your home, yes,
Take this into consideration, yes,
Take my life,
I just want someone to take it before something else does

It feels like I was born in Cassadaga Florida on June 1st 1997,
at 10 o clock at night during a full blood moon,
immediately baptized in fire and forgiveness up to my neck and down to my toes,
see all my life it feels like I’ve been flying,
whether it be in or out, between or through, either way, in some way,
I kinda feel unstoppable, kinda feel immeasurable,

The way the walls look at me inside of every room I walk into,
It makes me feel like I know too much,
like I talk too much,
or maybe I let everyone else talk too much for me,
I can’t tell the difference anymore

My great grandpa used to talk to the dead,
or maybe he was just having dinner with his angels

Every time my best friend takes acid, all he can think about is nuclear war,
maybe it’s some kind of sign for us,
like every time I look at a clock, all I can see is my life flashing back and forth projected onto a screen behind me,
covering my entire body

I take medication now, we all take some kind of medication now,
I call mine “better”,
but only until now have I not realized that it’s possible to overdose on “better”,
so I take “better” and “better” until it feels like if happiness were an ocean and I chained “better” to my ankle like it were an anchor,
and threw myself into happiness without any oxygen tanks

The way the ghosts blow through my bones, like they’re trying to weave miracles in my skin, so that when I talk, I still get a chance to feel like I mean something

I’m not saying that I think I’m made of magic, I’m just saying that I’m trying to be

there’s enough significance in the fire to feel like the burns your skin have suffered will heal into beauty one day, if you try to believe hard enough

the ground doesn’t have room for all of our bodies, so we can’t help but wonder sometimes,

just how far the dead can walk

We can be as sick as clocks some days,
Our arms and legs ticking, and our frames sweating to break the fever down into something better understandable,
Each eye drifting back and forth,
Our mouths singing out sad songs every hour on the hour,
At what point does it become too much, I wonder

What are we made of? Are we wooden,
crafted out of beautiful trees from somewhere,
Or are we plastic, made in an assembly line,
and if so, who’s sweat was put into us?

Which room of the house are we put into?
In the living room, where everyone spends their time looking at us?
Or in the bathroom, where it’s just one set of eyes watching us at a time?
Or maybe we’re moved around a lot, with a million different eyes on us, never content with our placement

And are our batteries changed? Are we kept up with?
When will we need to depend on others to tell us what time it is?
Or will we all one day become ruined with battery acid?

And when we one day are no longer able to muster up the gears to make ourselves the sons and daughters of the eyes that watch us, where will we go?

The moon is on fire,
The earth is on fire,
Her hair is on fire,
Her body, is on fire,
I wanna put it all out, but I can't touch her,
I can't kiss her anymore, I can't feel her anymore, I can't look at her anymore, because it hurts,
It all hurts,
We gave and we took and we loved and we broke

A quick bump up the nose, straight to hell and never looking back,
I wonder what it was that made her never look back,
Was it the ring slipped off her finger or was it the abuse that still lingered,
I leaned in quick to kiss her and I swear not a single force on earth could stop the trembling in her fingers

Eyes like a hawk,
Eyes blood shot,
Eyes with tears in the dark,
Eyes with locks,
Eyes that'll tear you apart,
She's seen some ****,
I just wanna know who it was that played the part,
Who shot the arrow, who turned the lights off,
Who didn't give a **** when a single **** was all she could've ever needed,
Who cut the circulation, who choked her enough to never let another breathe near her,
Who stole her

I've lived so uncomfortably, darling comfort me,
Comfort me,
Look at it in its face,
Stare at its eyes,
Smell it,
Taste it,
Love it,
Hate it,
Become everything it's afraid of,
Become everything it loves,
Be weary of it,
Embrace it,
Think about it,
Think less of it,
Trust it,
Never trust it,
Never **** it,
Never,
**** it

I'm exhausted,
My head is cloudier than the thunderstorms you made,
My teeth are yellow from pack after pack of cigarettes,
I'm exhausted,
My liver hates me more than my grandfather hated running out of alcohol,
I can't tell anyone that I love them,
Heaven forbid I trust anyone,
I can't stop apologizing,
I'm exhausted,
I can't keep my bandages on,
I can't clean my blood up,
I'm exhausted,
I'm never satisfied, I don't know how to be, and I so badly want to be tough


Come back to bed, you're thinking too much

I remember the first time I saw the glare of a sunrise on your eyes,
Everything was beautiful, even the cracks of the sidewalk

We stayed up all night digging to lay cement, everything was so perfect,
Little did either of us know that we left space in the cracks for weeds to grow

You shined into me and out from my joints sprouted flowers,
They were lavender and lilac; it was always hard to tell the difference between them because of their color

As time went on, not everything stayed as beautiful as it once was,
My flowers wilted and frowned, and so did I,
Weeds took over and wrapped my body in vines, suffocating me with my own breath,
Not being able to catch a glimpse of what's eating you up inside is like watching a flower get trampled on without being able to do anything about it

A year and a day later and I am lying on the sidewalk by my house with lilacs in my hands, finally realizing the difference between lavender and lilac

I am the most comfortable when I am surrounded by flowers,
They are beautiful and I am not, so they are doing me a favor,

One day I will be laid to rest with an entire meadow watching over me,
and I will be the most content I could ever be,

I want to be surrounded by a crown of thorns, roses in every joint of my body,
I used to be so beautiful, I used to be so careless,

I am crucified without consent,
I am a twisted messiah stumbling over broken poetry and broken women,
Broken hearts and broken feelings,
I am living it up, do not try to ever convince me otherwise, it is **** near impossible,

I try so hard to convince myself that this is okay, and that everything is okay; that I am beautiful and that this is all happening for reasons I have yet to understand,
But it is ***** near impossible

Over a lifetime, I never loved her,
Empty gas tanks,
Empty cigarette packs,
Empty paint bottles,
Empty minds,
Empty hearts

I keep carrying the dead with me,
Burying them in the back of my mind to form some kind of understanding of why things are the way that they are,
Why people don't finish what they started,
Why hearts continuously ache and break at the smaller things,
Why her father never loved her mother enough to stay around to see her grow up,
At least he isn't around to see her laying in the hospital bed,
At least he isn't around to see her struggle with the thought of why her father never loved her enough

Over a lifetime, I never loved her,
This absence is dizzying,
Pitch black,
Pitch black,
Swallowed by the memories of agony,
Every moment awake is a moment my God should've never breathed into me,
My god, I never should've let your breath fill my lungs

I keep carrying the dead with me,
Burry them all, burry them all,
Give me some sense of dignity,
Don't let me slip on the souls of the broken,
Don't let me become one,

Over a lifetime, I never loved her

Welcome to the parade
Don't get it twisted
This is a sick sad establishment

I greeted Death with a smile and all I got in return was wishful thinking and eternal life
At least that's what he wanted me to believe
In reality, realism never looked so ugly
I've watched all of those around me die
And this is all taking so long, I'd rather watch paint dry

My contract is irreversible
My body stopped growing
A solar eclipse is the last thing I want to see
Satisfaction has become dissatisfaction
The flowers on my porch stopped blooming
All of this has only made me see

The big man in charge is a ******* and not even a forest fire could burn my hopes and dreams
I am eternal
I will live forever
I will makes the most of this
Whether you want me to or not
I will be here forever and there is nothing that can stop me

I will drink soda before going to bed
I will sleep with the lights on
I will have the craziest dreams

I will wake up thankful
I will be kind
I will be thoughtful
I will make sure no one ever knows
I will be the most beautiful

Don't get me wrong, death is beautiful
But everything beautiful must die eventually

Think about those around you
Think about what God was thinking about when he made this world

Did he intend on creating a utopia,
or did he know that his creation would spend their entire lives dealing with all of this

I wonder if he took a second glance when that woman lost her husband of 54 years to the same cancer that took her daughter away,

That man who overdosed yesterday had a grandma that made him cookies and milk when he was a young child,
That same grandma also took him to church last Sunday morning,
And when the pastor ended that service, the man walked up to the pastor with tears in his eyes and asked if there would still be room in his heart for Jesus, even if he didn't have his life completely together yet

When we were young, we dealt with everything in such a nonchalant way
We looked at our mothers and fathers without judgement,
We didn't even question what made our fathers yell at our mothers,
We just went with it

When we grew up, everything became reality
We began to see our problems as what they actually are
We no longer see them as mild inconveniences, because they're more than that now,
The problems make themselves known
We have no choice but to feel it, even when we don't want to

It isn't now that we give up, it isn't ever
**** this, we are better than this
We will live on, and on, and on, and never let up
We will give it hell and we will show them just what we are made of

It isn't the mild inconveniences that define us,
We are more than that

It is the 5:30am cold nights drenched in hard liquor and broken hearts,
It is the song that comes blaring on the radio while driving 75 in a 55,
It is the second pack of cigarettes that are blown out of your window as you drip paint onto the new canvases you just spent your entire paycheck on,

It is real life,
It is the air you breath,
And it is the way you walk

This is not me, this is not my life, these are not me, these are not my life

Dripping in adolescence,
Breaking ourselves to get a gist of what putting ourselves back together has the power to feel like,
Late nights spent making horrible decisions to wake up in the morning and recover what little energy we have left,

It is not me, it is you
It is not we, it is us

Surrounded by hot sweaty bodies collecting cold sweat in jars so we have something to hydrate our obsession with confidence with,
Feeding off positive energy to form some sort of understanding of what pessimism takes to the battlefield every day,
In every way, this is everything we tell ourselves not to get into, yet do anyway,

Giving ourselves to the wrongdoers to see how much of a tolerance we have built up,
Searching the cracks of innocent bodies trying to find the answer to all of the promises broken on us,
Coming up with excuses so we don't have to apologize for being the lesser man,
Ruining our shoes by walking on the mud of teenage heartbreak,
Driving as far away as possible and hoping that our problems won't catch up to us,

We are dangerous, but we wouldn't change a ******* thing
We are always late, but we wouldn't miss any of this for the world
Broken, but not recovering because we love the feeling of knowing we still have the strength to help ourselves if we have to,

We are finding space where there is none,
We are loud when it is all silent,
We are never ending where the ends meet,
Lost in the static of this electrifying atmosphere we call our youth,

Look how high we're jumping from

Not dying, but getting there,
We wouldn't change a thing,
We are loving every minute of it

19.
You cut it open and let it fill the gaps with your blood,
You're exhausted,
The clouds in your head do everything they can to stick around, you wish people would do the same,
You are not surprised anymore,
You destroy yourself to get a taste of the bad because you've had the good and it just doesn't give you the high you crave anymore and you hate it but you can't stop,
You can't stop,
You're lighting fires, starting riots, you even take as many pills as you possibly can but none of this will make you feel anything and you're left feeling as empty as you did when you came into this,
Have you ever looked at yourself? I suggest you don't

18.
There are cigarettes on your breath,
Your eyes have bags under them that could hold the world and then some,
People come and go now, and you care a little bit, but not enough to do anything about it,
You got your license over the summer, the highways around here know you better than your family does at this point and you think you like that,
You think if you run away far enough from all of this that it'll go away,
You make yourself as busy as you possibly can in hopes that it will take your mind off of all of this,
You still think about her every day, but she doesn't think about you anymore, you don't do anything about this,
It's getting cloudy again,
You don't sleep as much anymore

17.
You get upset because you care more than they do, but you don't say anything,
You start to wear colors again because black just doesn't make you feel as pretty,
You want to feel pretty because they're  pretty and they deserve someone just as pretty,
Your demons aren't as ugly as hers, and you fight hers off to make it look like yours are as weak as your grandfather's spine, she doesn't buy it

16.
You lose your virginity,
You feel powerful,
You feel broken, but you feel powerful,
Everything hurts all of the time but you don't want to realize it because you're in love and being in love is powerful,
You watch her smoke cigarettes,
You smoke her cigarettes,
You break yourself on her because it is the first and last time you will ever feel like you're able to pick yourself back up when heartbreak pushes you down,
Your parents don't believe you're depressed,
You don't eat as much,
You can't sleep like you used to be able to, it hurts you,
Your best friend tells you that the only reason you're so sad all of the time is because you don't believe in God

16.
You start to believe in a god and you start to believe in yourself but you forget the difference

16.
You get high for the first time and you realize why addicts choose to live in their worlds instead of ours

16.
You wake up and you feel nothing

16.
You wake up and you feel nothing

15.
You try homeschool this year because your private Christian elementary school never prepared you for public high school and they force you so far into the ground that being a corpse sounds better than being a flower in the soil, you believe every word they tell you,
You isolate yourself,
You listen to extremely depressing music and you like it,
You start to wear all black,
You feel alone no matter how many people are around you,
You throw yourself into the snow on a cold December morning because at this point you just want to feel something, anything,
Your parents don't agree with you,
Your mother tells you to pray and your father doesn't even listen to you,
Your mother gets breast cancer this year,
You ask yourself how the anxiety is still letting you think for yourself since you realize something so deadly can spread so rapidly

14.
Your uncle takes his own life,
This is the first time you really think about death,
You wonder what it would be like to be like them,
To wake up and never feel anything ever again, and you kind of like it,
That cute girl you really like smiles at you in the hallway now, you've been at her for months,
It's funny how young love starts to take roots,
Everything is fine now

13.
Moving schools is hard, this is the first experience you have with losing friendships,
It's crazy how often they come and go now

12.
You can't even remember the last time you didn't get more than 8 hours of sleep,
Your dog is your best friend,
You don't even think about the color black, your favorite color is red like fire

11.
Your best friend's father kills her mother and then himself,
You wonder what it's like,
How wonderful it would be to make someone stay forever and never be able to leave  

10.
Your grandmother is alive,
She has a funny smell around her whenever you visit her,
There's this weird stick in her mouth that looks like it's on fire,
You don't like it

9.

8.

7.

6.
You can name every single kind of dinosaur that ever existed and you love hot wheels,
Your favorite food is peanut butter and jelly, but you only eat it if your mother makes it

5.

4.
Your grandmother loves to buy you toys,
She tells you that the memories are worth more than the money,
You remember this specifically

3.

2.
Your second birthday party includes a ball pit, hundreds of balloons, and all of your family members,
I wonder if this is what my funeral will be like

1.


0.
Your mother and father meet with the doctor again,
You're on your way and they've never felt more excited in their lives


I wonder if they ever wondered about how their little boy would grow up,
I wonder if they ever thought about how I would turn out,
I wonder if they ever wondered about everything that would happen to me

It's funny how everything someone experiences in their lives molds them into what they become,
Out of everything, I wonder what it was that made me so numb

Sometimes life feels slow,
Other times it feels like it's going a million miles an hour

Sometimes it feels like I'm living in dog years because I've seen too much to be this young

To the children who only find solace in ****** knuckles and broken toes
The pill is a hard one to swallow, especially if you're swallowing an entire bottle of them
It takes the earth 365 days to orbit the sun but it only takes you one second to love yourself if you try hard enough

Your friends and your family love you more than this, trust me
Your problems are insignificant above everything else and I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching as I'm saying all of this
Just take it from another who had the same mindset
You will find peace in suffering just like you have found peace in past happiness
Be grateful that you have a heart to feel everything that happens to you, just please don't convince yourself that you would take being dead over trying to make something of your ruins
With disaster comes beauty and we are all disasters doing our best to become beautiful once more, we will get there one day if we work hard enough

To the ashes of half smoked cigarettes and to the ashes of broken relationships
Fire will burn down anything if you let it consume you enough
I am so sorry you are suffering
I am so sorry you are feeling this way
But the end of the rope or the tip of a bullet has not a ******* thing on what your life will give you
It may seem like hell now but heaven is just over the hill and if the view of rainbows and the sound of chirping birds won't convince you that there is a calm after the storm, you will never experience the calm before it

No, it isn't easy
But it isn't hard
Give yourself to your angels and let go of your demons, this is not their battle to fight

DO NOT LET YOURSELF SLIP
YOU ARE RESISTANT AND YOU ARE EVERLASTING
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN STOPPED YET, THEREFORE YOU WILL NOT BE STOPPED AT ALL

Therapy isn't pretty and neither is sadness, but the dirt must be dug up before the flowers can be planted
You aren't crazy for thinking about what you think about, please never forget that
It isn't about maintaining normal thoughts, it's about letting it all out
If we never let anything out, we'd explode, and it's better to bleed than to ignore being hurt
It's best to let your wounds bleed and heal than to let your bandaids become ***** and infected

I'd rather send a get well card than a funeral invitation
I'd rather see you in a hospital bed than a casket
I'd rather say, "We will get through this together. I love you so much. This fight isn't over." than say, "He was such a strong person. I'll never forget him."

What I'm trying to make you understand is that life will throw you into vines and thorns and leave you out of breath and cut to shreds, but the sunlight isn't just a dream and happiness isn't just a figment of your imagination
Things will become problematic and ugly, but muscles must be torn apart and bruised to grow back stronger

Build a bridge between your sadness and your happiness, and as you cross it, admire it all
It's all here for a reason, just like you are

Do whatever it takes, but whatever you do, just do not give up

I feel like a homebody,
I feel homesick, and my home is your body,
I can't find my way through your cracks, only feel alive when I feel scratches on my back, stuck in an empty lover's bed sheets, only feel lonely when I'm not laying next to a warm body, mind muddy, cloudy hellish sense of relevance only when I'm being kissed on the neck, now tell me, where can I find any ******* sense

In my head everywhere in every bed I lay in, I'm a misfit, just wanna be missed,
Happiness is fake and love is like the internet

Click, click, error 404, cannot find page, deep breath, refresh, error 404,
4:04pm, alone again, thinking about skipping dinner to think about you again,
4:04am, alone again, thinking about skipping sleep to watch the sunrise because heaven knows it's the only warmth this body still knows how to feel,
4:04 someone, somewhere,
404 empty bottles,
404 long car rides lighting up the highway with either a lighter or headlights,
I gotta ****** go,
I gotta run away as far as possible,
I don't know what I'm running from, but I'm running still

I have grown to actively avoid absolutely everything,
Don't look at me,
Don't talk to me,
The only words I know how to listen to are **** and hate,
I've given away everything, even the smile on my face,
Gifted pieces of my heart with ribbons and flowers and tried to cover the holes with duct tape,
I've tried everything besides personal space because I'm scared of being alone for too long and I don't wanna look at myself in the face

I feel homesick, and my home is your body,
I don't wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna do this anymore,
You're not my home anymore,
But I don't know how to run away from you

Click, click, error 404, cannot find page,
Deep breath, refresh, error, ****-

My homepage is always frozen

I'm still so ******* bitter about it and I can't relax, not even a little,
I wonder if this is what a toy feels like when its batteries run dry,
Getting pushed into fight or flight without any warning, without even having any wings to fly,
So anxious I'm throwing up the flowers you grew from your chest,
I picked every one of them with my mouth but maybe I should've just left them alone because everything will die in the end and now I know who's fault it is

I got hurt and I'm just trying to fix myself, please stay away from me, I'm no good and you're no better, I don't have a single grudge to take,
I'm going ******* manic, I'm setting my body on fire and eating the ashes,
I'm pulling my stomach apart and digging my own grave,
I'm hungry for blood and I'm vicious,
I'm sick and getting worse, even though my friends and family pray for the better, I don't wanna say too much, it's better that way

We have nothing better to do than break our hearts on each other,
We're lonely and hurt and this is all we need,
Mr. Hangman, go get your rope,
Protect your lovers, we are nothing but slippery slopes,
We can hug and lust and kiss and **** but once we love, it's all downhill from there,
I can feel this disease flowing through our hair and it feels like there's something in our mouths, like we're breathing it in through the air,
I can feel myself breathing you in and I'll keep doing it until my lungs collapse, nothing's fair

They say in heaven there's no husbands or wives,
And the day I show up to the gates I wonder how many of them will be surprised,
Just know I won't have a phone to call you but I'll do everything an angel possibly can to stop the hurting in your minds,
None of us deserve to die but then again not all of us really feel alive

So if I die before I wake, I pray my poetry says the things I can no longer say

I spend my nights bleeding out intoxicated poetry written under candlelight and screaming vinyl, spinning a web of loose ends trying my hardest to tie them together
I couldn't stop loving you even if I hated everything about you
I couldn't stop hating you even if I loved everything about you
I am picked up by my feet and dangled over an open fire that blacks out all of the thoughts in my exhausted head
The thoughts that are too heavy to handle even on my best days
Bright highway signs welcome me as I look for an escape, if I drive far enough to get away, maybe it will be written in my blood
My canvases painted ferociously to imagine a world more vivid than this one, maybe if I keep painting what I'm feeling, I'll be able to feel something instead of trying to accept the fact that I've grown numb to everyone and everything around me
I spend a lot of my time writing all of this out on my bedroom floor
Sometimes it's better to lay on the floor because a lot of the time nothing is as solid as the ground, it adds stability when nothing else is as stable as I'd like it to be

I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be mi--

Tears won't get me where I need to be
Bandages won't stop the bleeding
My skin is itching with broken promises and unfinished words
As hard as I am on myself for the things I have no control over, you'd think that I would be used to this by now, yet here I am, lit cigarette in hand, the shaking getting worse when I try to speak
My sleepless nights are finally catching up to me
My mother notices on a daily basis and all she knows how to do is pray for me, I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry that I don't know how to cope with this, or anything for that matter
I'm having dreams that seem more real than real life, I'm becoming more and more disassociated by the minute, I can't help myself, I'm a ******* trainwreck

Everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

It's the doubt in my mind that creates a silhouette of confidence to portray to those around me, this kid's got his **** together
I am not a writer because I want to be
It's the thoughts that crowd my head, all I know how to do with them is write them down because if I don't find the time to drain myself of the negativity, the demons it brings will build a home in my head and they'd never leave
I promised myself I'd stop, but I've never kept a promise, I don't know how

I don't know much

All I know is that everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

3.
If I blink hard enough, all of this will go away,
I wish you would just go away,
I have lived in your shadow for way too long, I need to get away,
Why can't I get away, I would do anything to get away,
You do anything to get your way,
You drink from the bottle while staring at me and the only words I have the guts to say to you are, "I love you", regardless of how badly I can feel the sting in my chest

2.
It's working, but I'm still in love with you,
I stopped dreaming in circles because my mind has grown so tired of the thought of you that the only thing that pops into my head when your name is mentioned is, "****, this hurts, a lot",
I still smile on rainy days and I still laugh at my friends jokes, but neither of those things make me smile as hard as the first time I held your hand, or the first time you joked about how your cat had a thing where he'd lay on your head when you were trying to fall asleep,
You're always in my head when I'm trying to fall asleep,
I just wish you weren't

1.
****, this hurts, a lot,
But I'm trying,
I can do this,
Your mother always told you not to stay out passed your bedtime, but no fun ever happens before midnight,
I hope you think of me in your drunken stupor,
When you were drunk, you used to call me and tell me that you thought I was the best thing in the world, that you loved me, that I was everything right for you,

I'm blinking continuously now, but none of it is helping,
****, this hurts, a lot,

If I was everything right for you, why did you only talk to me when everything bad was happening to you

Dear Family Man,
I used to want to follow in your footsteps until I realized doing so would mean that I'd have to believe that the list of human rights in our country should be as short as the cooker cutter length of the grass on our front lawn

Family Man,
Why are you so scared of diversity

Family Man, why do you believe in religious freedom until any other religion besides Christianity is mentioned

Family Man, why do you believe that Jesus was white and that he preferred guns and judgement instead of love and acceptance

Family Man, why do you not understand the difference

Family Man,
You'd rather see a perfectly polished white picket fence than see the future of this country pickup signs and picket to try and finish the job you never started, create a future for generations, because they realize the **** that's happening doesn't make any sense

Family Man,
**** those illegal immigrants who are hopping our border to work the jobs that YOU'RE too lazy to WORK

Family Man,
**** those refugees that want to run away from the war that WE created, right?

Family Man,
We love equally but above all else we love money, and we'll do anything we can to get it,
We don't give a **** about anyone else,
Your family is needy, but I guess you're just a little too greedy,
You keep feeding them but they're always hungry because the only food you believe is important is oil,
How could your children be hungry for anything else?

Family Man,
Oppression is for people who won't grow up and face the world for themselves, it's their fault,
I don't know why your children even care though, right, just keep on lying, telling them that nothing Donald Trump is doing right now is going to affect their lives personally

Family Man,
Capitalism has you ******* your own ****, but you've grown to love it,
You'll give power to anyone that promises to bring this country back to when it was great, when we had slaves, when we neglected everyone who wasn't like us

Now you've got what you wanted, but there's a hell of a lot more problems, but don't you worry,
Family Man, it's the new normal

It's a great day at the White House

I no longer watch sunsets through my rear view mirror because I realize that I don’t have anything to run from anymore,
In fact, some nights I work it out in a way to make it seem like I’m driving away into the sunset because everyone deserves their own happy endings

My bones aren’t made of paper anymore so please stop writing on them with your curse words and forced apologies,
My skin doesn’t need to feel bad anymore,
My skin is the new sun, haven’t you heard?
It’s warm and shiny and when it dies it isn’t going to go into a trash can,
it’s going to burst into the biggest fire imaginable,
and it’s going to burn out of here,
it’s all I’ve ever wanted

My blood is sweet tea that you have no business drinking anymore,
My body is a kitchen full of pots and pans that I finally get the chance to cook with,
and they don’t rattle inside of me and keep me up at night anymore,
And I’m full of spices that I’ve been too afraid to try,
until now,
My arms and legs are windows and the clouds and birds love seeing them most days,
they love it too

My words are natural again,
It feels good to let them out, like I actually mean to say the things I say,
I’ve forgotten what that’s like

I still get angry sometimes,
The difference now is that I don’t feel the need to be angry at you anymore

We need to stop making ourselves homes for other people,
We need to tuck ourselves in instead,
We’ll dream much more vividly that way and the first cup of coffee of the next morning will taste so much better

It’s been two decades and I’m still sweating out this fever

My eyes haven’t stopped watering since my family tree fell over,
branch by branch we collapsed into the river,
rushing faster and faster to mutually assured destruction,
no one is getting out alive here

No one is getting out alive here in this world,
so we might as well get it while the going is going because one day the going is going to stop and we’ll be left holding on to as much as we can,
We’ll feel so sorry for ourselves then

I’ve walked with snakes on my shoulders for as long as I can remember,
All my hearing has amounted to hisses,
and all of my bones have broken to bend and expand to hold all of the feelings I’ve eaten

Made love with the ****** and prayed to every angel I’ve seen in my paralysis,
In my dreams I see flowers,
Red like blood,
but clean like a mended heart,
Slowly but surely I’ll likely tear myself apart

But I like it like this,
It gives me a reason to wonder,
and wander,
So I’ll continue to wonder,
and wander

We all just drink to get drunk,
We’re all just ghosts without a house to haunt,
I’ve been feeling this sickness creep up into my throat,
and it’s been drying to get out, and I think I’ll let it

I’m still learning what falling in love feels like,
Still coming to grips with realities that don’t involve bruised eyelids and unforgivable I told you so’s,
Sometimes it feels like I’m coming to the end of my rope but then it frays all over again and I’m stuck trying to wind it back up,
How selfish to think I can fix something that’s too broken

Cut to my grandmother getting dolled up for her closeup because the church taught her how to become her own messiah, now she doesn’t know how to love the right way,
I’m starting to think that none of us do

I’m starting to run with the wolves,
The moon speaks in tongues to me,
I keep asking her to take me back where I belong,
Every painting hanging in my room is blank,
Blank and powerful,
but afraid,
I’m starting to think we all are

I’ve been sweating everything out,
It’s taking longer than I want it to

I just hope that by the time I’m laying on my deathbed,
I’ll be as dry as this all bled me

I don't wanna ******* hear about it,
Stop trying to get your **** wet,
She doesn't want you, I figured you'd realize that when she told you to stop; that she was uncomfortable,
What made you think she was just being stubborn,
What made you think the only thing in the world she wanted was to have *** with you,
Why are you like this

Women are not just toys,
Women do not want your **** as much as you think they do,
Women especially do not want your **** when all you can say when you're around them is jokes implying that you want to **** them,
Why the **** do you think you're entitled to their bodies,
They are angels and you are the devil,
Please, for the love of God, give it up

It makes me sick to think that you're sick enough to think you have a right as a man to act this way,
That because you have a ******* for a woman, that it's completely okay to force yourself,
That it's completely okay to act filthy,
That it's completely okay to joke about,
That it's completely okay to be the biggest ******* on this planet

Our sisters are being taken by our brothers and we are not doing anything to stop it,
Our diamonds are being stolen by thieves, and all we are doing is slapping their wrists,
Why can't we stand up and stop this


Why does a woman have to feel afraid to stand up for herself,
Why does a woman have to fight what seems like an endless battle for a right to her own ******* body,
Why do we stick up for rapists,
Why do we call women *****,
Why do we congratulate men for using women,
Why do we stand for this

We are doing this to ourselves,
We will learn eventually,
Or maybe not,
We reap what we sow

I can't stop talking about heartbreak,
I guess I'm just too sentimental about it,
Then again we all know that we can't stop talking about things that we love,
I just can't realize why I love it so much,
I guess I'll never really know,
I just know that I have to keep writing about it or else it'll write me instead and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if something like that happened,
Then again, I can't ever sleep at night regardless

There's just something about it,
I can't really put my finger on it,
I just love being sad

Sadness does that thing with its tongue that we love so much,
It's always taking cherry stems and tying them into knots,
It never stops to think if it's hurting us,
It never stops to ask us if what it's doing is alright,
Then again it knows that we'll never ask it to stop because it knows that we love it too ******* much

I don't have anyone to talk this through with,
I need help but I don't want it because this is all that I've ever known,
See, not knowing what's going on, that's what scares me the most,
But why would you turn down happiness? Why would you not want both?
I'm sorry I'm coming off a little crazy,
I swear I'm not a ******,
I just love,
Too much

I'm not one for tying knots but,
If nowhere else, you can find me at the bottom of some rope,
I love to hate love and I love the cigarettes that I smoke,
I love the feeling of being alone,
Even though I just love to talk,
******* I ****** hate this,
But honestly it's all that I've got,
So for the rest of forever I'll take it and run,
But for you I'll make it seem like I'm just going for a walk

I was told to find what I love and let it **** me,
*I think I found it

I wish our eyes lit up every time we saw each other again, like those street lamps did so bright into the late 2am in the morning Ohio summer sky, like those headlights onto those Cincinnati exit highway signs, like those I told you sos, like the laughters of those old ghosts in your backyard, I could’ve sworn we were going to break through into forever

Until it all came crashing through the ceiling, until it all came bursting through the floorboards, until we learned how to set fire to our own heads to finally see something go up in smoke, breathe it in, breathe it in, this is where it ends now, the period of every sentence, the exclamation point that paired so well with every I love you finally danced out of our throats and left a space that could not be filled without confrontation

How much longer are we going to pretend every word we ever said to each other was meant to fix whatever was broken

What was broken

Why were we trying to fix it

Why did we make each other god
We both know that eventually we stop believing in whatever doesn’t show us proof

I was like a hummingbird, you were like nectar, I ate you up until there was none of you left, but I kept some of the nectar in my mouth, and fear, and when there was no nectar left in my mouth, it got cold, I flew south for the winter, I was scared

When it warms up out here we might see each other again

How cold will it be, how much of you will be left, how much of us will be left, if any

My wings will be dripping with nectar, I’ll be so ready to make you whole again

I’ll write until I fall asleep,
Sleepy words under tongue and flicked from the tip, rolled off when needed,
Every car in my neighborhood has its lights on, and every neighbor does this on purpose so they’ll have an excuse to be able to bring something back from the dead every morning

Caffeine lungs, they’re so wired to crave exhaustion yet do not know how to get there,
I do not know how we got here, but I know we are going to fly into the evening sky to write love letters and put them inside of sunsets,
Evening commuters need something to keep their wheels moving on seemingly unmovable concrete

Endless loops of nicotine and Stevie Nicks’s voice could scream lullabies into the open mouths of yawns for hours and still never learn how to grow tired

Kerosene speed, call to the void, what a mess we’ve all made here

Learning to love yourself is like learning to put the fire out but keeping the matches in your pocket for when you need them again

A gut wrenching unforgiving livid catastrophe is making a home in my bones and will eventually burrow itself out of my skin to make my mouth a puppet to my worst fears and insecurities,
I am bleeding, crumbling, don't you dare utter a single ******* word to me, I don't want to hear any of it,
Nothing on this earth could rot my bones faster than the feeling of failure when I try my hardest to be successful,
A pathetic poet putting on the facade of feeling mediocre at best, I am at my lowest, I just don't want to show it,
My breaths are being stolen one by one by the devil and he knows it,
The steam rising from the streets of my anxiety are making my vision foggy and all I want right now is to lay in the embrace of bad intentions in hopes that it'll let me rest my weary eyes and make me feel right in the mean time, because nothing good ever feels right,

No matter how tall I build myself, you could easily come crash all of my walls down without even trying that hard
Maybe that's a good thing,
Maybe my walls are hurtful,
Maybe that's a bad thing,
Maybe I'm just too exhausted to deal with any of it, so I don't,

I'm so sorry
I am so sorry

I don't want to breakdown, but now seems like a good a time as any,
I feel like I am sinking and sinking, and the lower I get, the easier it is to just let it happen,
Maybe I need to shut the **** up and just let it happen,

I am constantly torn between trying to create a home and trying to escape one,
Oh lovely helplessness, I've come looking for help again,
Wrap your arms around me and tell me I'm okay again,
Isn't this everything I need,
Isn't this everything right for me,
I can barely breathe, but isn't this good for me,
Better to lose my breath than to get choked out of it,
You always made me lose my breath, I wish you would've just choked me out of it,

How unfortunate, picking flowers to fill my head with anything other than ugly thoughts, I wish it worked,
I wish all of this just worked,
I've lost motivation, I need to help myself, I just don't want to work,

I couldn't be better for you,
I couldn't help you,
I didn't know how,
I was trying so hard, but you just left

*I'm sorry

I don't want to slip back into it

I want to wake up early,
I want to eat fruit for breakfast,
I want to turn on the Beatles and run until I feel my legs burn

I don't want to tell my doctor that I smoke cigarettes

I want to pick flowers without being jealous of their beauty,
I want to smile and mean it,
I want to socialize,
I want to tell my crush that I think she's cute and finally take her out on that coffee date

I don't want to tell my mother that her God is not my God

I want to have lunch with my grandparents,
I want to stop my mother's crying,
I want to be familiar with happiness, my god, I want to be familiar with happiness

I don't want to run into my old friends and have them realize that I never grew up,
I don't want feel uncomfortable,
I don't want to beat myself up,

I want to make amends with existence,
I want to befriend Jesus,
I want to walk the field and feel accepted by every flower,
I want to walk by and no longer try to rob them of their beauty

I want to have good habits

Goodnight moonlight,

Sweet dreams, moonlight,

I am away now,

Driving under your blanket, your bright stars lighting everywhere dark,

It is a late hot summer night, however I have turned the heat on, on this long summer road,

It reminds me of you,

Warm, open, and free,

I like it this way,

Windows down, hot air blowing, there is no room for cold here,

I like to play the radio soft,

It reminds me of you,

Stevie, you feel like the 80s,

And your voice reminds me of hers too,

My headlights illuminating the street signs just enough for them to dance, like everything has just a little bit of magic in it,

The first time I met you, you shook my hand, moonlight, and you were embarrassed about it, I thought it was kind of cute,

I might just keep you in my chest pocket on this ride home,

I will see you tomorrow night,

Same time, same place,

Goodnight moonlight

I'm dripping with anticipation as you're melting in desperation
Let the commotion of new age religion stir up a revival in all of the children's souls
The priest and priestess smoke cigarettes while listening to Brand New and yearn for a gospel that preaches about anything other than dipping our fingers in gold and making our bodies shimmer with yellow and orange love
We are doing this for ourselves and no one else, not our mothers and fathers, not our sisters or brothers, and definitely not for a holy control freak
Here, the angels wear cut offs and spread the word of sin
Here, we rip the pages out of books and use them to roll our drugs in
Here, sunglasses cover the homicidal looks shared between ex lovers as well as the holy matrimony we are all too scared about to act on

The coastline is quiet while the citizens quietly lose control
Bricks shattering windowpanes
And moonlit dances on the riverbank
If we weren't too far gone yet, we most definitely are now
But it's okay, misery finds company wherever the wind chooses to blow it

If the devil himself ever had to chose between what's wrong and right,
Nothing would ever make sense in our eyes
If the devil himself ever smiled,
Would we portray it as something good or as something bad?
If our hearts continuously broke,
Would we question what we did, or would we question what we will do about it?

I want to be a martyr
I want to be a ***** poet
I want to dig deep into the depths of every crack and crevice this life has to offer and start fist fights with everyone I come in contact with
I want to spill my blood in the name of literature
I want to listen to the hymns of the ****** whilst running my fingers through my greasy hair and finishing off my third pack of cigarettes
I want to drink yellow paint
I want to eat every flower I see
I want to be as ******* as possible when I die, that way my blaze of glory will be everlasting

This is my hallelujah to the ones that got away
My veins constantly ache for a savior
Fill my lungs with cement and fill my head with water, that way I can feel the weight of every breath and feel every problem swimming around in my head

When you get done reading this gospel, set it on fire and inhale the smoke, you will get higher than the sky
Feel the charcoal burn your eyes and clear your vision
It has all come down to this and this only
Do not let those around you discourage you
This is what we have all been waiting for

Take this into the streets and preach until you can't anymore, and when the sun goes down, don't let the ghosts take you

Wishing for sleep but realizing there is no other place I would rather be,
An anchor tied to the feet of a man who only knows how to embrace everything when it is thrown at him,
Exhausted, I guess you could say that,
But it is this lack of knowing how to deal with surviving, repeating the words, "I'm trying, I'm trying" over and over until is the last thing he knows how to say to himself without self hatred,

I am alive, yes, I am alive

This ship is a sinking ******* but my god I'll tie the ropes to the cliffs and pull myself ashore,
When it comes to being happy, really, I'm not sure,
I guess I need to stop making it seem like being happy is a chore,

For the last seven months and three weeks, I have been beaten down and choked out of what I have every right to see,
I have every right to be

Happy

I have every right to
Breathe,
****,
Fight,
Light,
This cigarette and smoke away the stress I am incapable of getting rid of myself

I am handicapped

No, not in the sense of being broken,
No, not in the sense of being unable,

Stable: not likely to change or fail,
My attitude will change and my ambitions will change,
But I will not fail,

Being frail is something I am used to,
Being weak is something I am used to,
If I keep telling myself I am not used to being happy, I will never be happy

I want to be happy,
I want to sleep without nightmares,
I want to wake up and want to,

I want to be happy

If I keep telling myself I am sad, I will never be..

*Happy