We hold onto things even when they’re long gone,
We hold onto the familiarity because we do not want to go through a grieving process,
We do not want to cry, alone,
So we will latch onto every hymn and memory possible just to feel nostalgic and sorry for ourselves, and we will cry, even long after the grieving process has passed

I carry crystals around my neck and in my pockets when I walk because often I talk to myself and often I talk to the dead,
Often I am so confused that I do not know the difference between the two,
But I like that,
It leaves a sense of mystery to everything my mind has already planned out for me

I want to know where we all were when the world ended,
Who were we with, what were we doing, and were our hearts as full as they could be,
I stay up late at night sometimes and I just sing as loud and as long as I can, hoping that maybe possibly whatever creator is awake will hear me and keep me company, and not care who’s side I’m on,
I just want to be able to feel something for free

I do not want to keep sacrificing myself for heartbreak, and I wish I was ignorant to everything, I just want to know what it feels like to not know any better, about anything

I write these because I am hurting and I have yet to find a solution, and I am too broke for therapy, but I promise you I would pay dearly

It’s 3:30am and I’m finally laying down to sleep,
After tucking in all of the words I’ve been saving up for you,
They’re pretty restless, and I am too,
But don’t worry, I have a night light plugged in for them, they’re scared of the dark just like you were,
It’s a shame that you won’t be here to hear them in the morning,
They’d probably go well with sunlight through the windows and scrambled eggs,
And nothing would beat them rolling out of my mouth through the steam of the coffee I’d brew for you, for us

And don’t you wish we were still as beautiful as we were when we were born wrapped in stars and bathed in sunlight?

Before the smoke got to us and the mirrors became cracked,
Way back before our mothers and fathers were worried about us,
Before we’d spend too much time trying to read between the lines of each other’s books,
Now we hardly have time to read the sparknotes

And don’t you miss it? When we were able to fall asleep every night without pills,
And waking up every morning without missing someone was easy

What kind of monsters we have become to deny ourselves

I know you will never be around again to hear any of this, and

I’ve written this poem a hundred times over but there is still no one around to tell me that it won’t help me, so I’ll keep writing it

Aren't they always so perfect?
In heartbreak I'm a broken juggernaut, she loves me, she loves me not,
She took my veins and tied them into knots,
My bloodstream is full of sadness,
And my bones are full of happiness,
See I'm so busy breaking my own bones and she's so busy filling my blood with sadness,
That when the blood finally bleeds through, it's colorless, I guess that's what I get for becoming so emotionless,
But they made me this way, it doesn't feel like that because I can't remember the last time someone stayed and when it comes down to it, it feels like there's nobody but myself to blame

You know ****'s really rough when even your therapist says he's never seen you so disheveled,
And now more than ever I wish I were deep in the ground somewhere with fresh dirt on top of me being looked down on by someone with a shovel,
Never again, never again will I let myself breathe, I feel it all weighing down so ******* top of me,
She weighed down so ******* top of me, the only relief either of us got, was when she was laying down on top of me,
But there's more to love than just lust and sometimes a simple **** just isn't enough, but that won't stop either of us from using either of us,
Neither of us have been happy in a long time and neither of us have felt loved in a long time,
But it isn't too late to start trying,
I keep telling myself that, but I know I can't try hard enough for the both of us

I can't stop breaking my own ******* heart over people who just don't give a **** and I'm so ******* sick of it but I write poetry for a living so I guess I'll have to live with it

You're so hot when you're cold,
I love it when you use me, I love it, being worthless, but don't worry, I'll act like there was some kind of value about me,
Just like there was something special about you, every single one of you,
You're all gone now but I can't stop thinking about you so I guess you'll live on forever, if not in my heart, then in my poetry,
I'm a ******* trainwreck right now and I'm surprised I still have empathy,
Please be nice to me, please show me sympathy,
I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel nothing but love for my enemies and I don't want to, I want them to hate me,
I want them to leave and never come back, I just want the thoughts in my head to get the **** away from me

I'm sorry

I can't figure out why I keep caring for things that don't care for me and I'm finally starting to realize that that's so unhealthy,
If I'm missing you I'm missing a part of me and I hate that, I can't keep saying sorry, but I never did I anything worth an apology, I just can't come to terms with any of it and it makes me feel better if I take myself away from it by being a recording played over and over and over

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

It's not my fault, it never was, but I make it that way

It's nights like these that I tend to think about you,
Don't get me wrong, I think about you all the time,
Just nights like these in particular seem to stand out,
It's like you're watching me,
Like you're leaning over my shoulder,
Like some kind of guardian angel,
Yeah, I know you weren't anywhere near an angel, I'd just like to think you were,
Like I've been through so much with so many people that it's just nice to think that there's something good chasing away the bad,
I know we all wish it really worked like that

She sat there on that same exact bench at the same exact time every single day,
And you watched her like clockwork,
Too afraid to introduce yourself or even look at her other than from the corner of your eye,
Her favorite trees were cherry blossoms,
Her favorite color, violet,
Her grandmother lived on the coast,
None of these are true, you're just imagining these things to give yourself some kind of grip here,
Some kind of confidence in the fact that you're lonely now,
So lonely to the point where you think the birds in your backyard enjoy your company more than your friends do,
And you record yourself singing into your phone because you always wanted to see what it would be like to hear something other than the thoughts that take your ears and tie them into knots,
Consistently,
Destruction from the inside out,
Everything is pretty,
No matter what

I remember specifically the night you told me that I was everything you needed,
It didn't matter how drunk you were or how vulnerable I was, I'll hold onto that idea forever,
I know I'm nowhere near you but that never stopped me from trying,

You know that feeling you get when you're home but you just don't feel at home?
That feeling of uneasiness that just swallows you up and spits out your bones,
It's hard here

I've been in the river for as long as I can remember,
I just can't remember when I started trying to swim against the current instead of going along with it,
I just keep getting cut to pieces, bleeding everything out, everything, I can feel it,
The winds are as sharp as sheep shears,
We are all suffering here

Not dead but dreaming,
Numb to the feeling,
Alone in the morning after being held through the night,
Around her in the evening, looking at the moon as if it's her radiating that light,
It's hard here

She kisses my lips every chance she gets but I can't wait to kiss her goodbye,
Walking through the flowers and feeling the sunshine in the sky,
The way she seeps into my veins and makes me warm, nothing but lies,
It's hard here

I am breaking my own heart trying to save myself from her,
Depression isn't beautiful, in fact she's a liar,
We are all suffering here

You made a home in my bones
You made a home in my bones*

You crawled into my bones and you made a home and now you won't leave,
You don't even pay rent,
All you're good for is picking me up and throwing off of my feet,
*******, I'm tired of it

I'm tired of being awake when I should be asleep,
I'm tired of covering up for you because we both know that you can't speak,
You're too weak to fend for yourself,
So you latch onto me and feed until I can't tell the difference between being free and wanting to feel free,
Until I can't tell the land from the seas,
My head, that is, drowning, because you tied this anchor to my feet,
And I'm getting tired of swimming,
I miss the trees and the sand of the beach

I miss waking up and actually wanting to do things,
I miss eating pancakes whenever I felt like it but now I don't feel like it at all,
I don't even want to eat,
I miss listening to music for the hell of it,
Now I can't even listen to music without feeling a tear roll down my cheek,
After the dirt got the best of me I'd climb onto my roof and pretend I was a bird,
I just wanted to feel something

I was so ******* scared of saying something about it but now I feel so powerful I can hardly speak,
All of this, it's not just a dream,
I am alive and I am proud of knowing that I made it this far,
All there is up to reach,
Because I've been at the very bottom for as long as I can remember and ******* I'm tired of it,
I think it's time for you to leave

What? Are you scared that I'm talking to you directly?
I'm telling you right now that you no longer have that power over me,
Just go pack all of those bags and do your best to stay the hell away from me

I'm sorry for screaming but I'm just so excited to finally be myself, the thought is crazy to me,
Like, I've gotten so far in the past few years to give it all up without battling,
I can hear the coffin door rattling,
I can see the sun through the clouds now, it feels like this sadness is shattering

I'm tired of it, I can say it over and over,
I'm tired of it,
I'm tired of it,
I'm tired of it,
I can feel my lungs again, I'm breathing,
I thought I'd never see the day where someone would ask me if anything was wrong and I'd reply with "hardly",

I can smell the flowers again,
I can see the vibrant colors of the petals like it's my first time on LSD,
I can look up without a care in the world again, I thought I'd never say that, it's always been so foreign to me,
But what's happening is beautiful, this sense of empowerment that seems to rip through the cloudiness of it all every now and then to show its face to me, how it's so lovely to realize that I am more than what my demons seem to be

This is beautiful,
I am beautiful

I am alive and I am proud of it

How easy it would be to be able to pick and choose who we suffer for

Draw a bath and tie the hair back, poor a glass of wine, and relax,
Go down a list and write check marks or exes next to the names of our skeletons, the places we hide away into at night,
How easy it would be

I’m not here to say that it isn’t easy, I’m just here to fantasize about not picking the gaps between your teeth until there’s enough space for everyone who’s wronged you to slide into, create a home and live

Sometimes I like to write symphonies using the tones of voicemails I’ve received because I just don’t have the guts to pick up the phone,
To be able to orchestrate absolute feeling on a whim,
How easy it would be

But instead, we’re here, teeter tottering between how many cigarettes we’ll have left by the end of all of this, or how happy we could be, or simply how bad a hangover we’re going to have in the morning,
But we’re soldiers like this

And the rations will last us— just long enough,
To pick the phone up when our friends call,
Tell them we love them, listen to that one paramore album over and over until we become 15 again,
Immerse ourselves into whatever nostalgia we refuse to let go of

How easy it would be,
To be able to pick and choose who we suffer for

I am the hummingbird now

I am the one with wings a million miles an hour and not enough nectar

I am too small to notice but when you do notice me I am the most beautiful thing you could ever see

However it is getting colder now,
Colder than it has ever been,
And my wings have forgotten how to move quicker than lightning,
And I will fall louder than thunder in this neighborhood,
I will die a martyr for your eyes and a sweet tooth for your candy

Salt shaker pepper jack dinner table,
I am a lonely man,
My family has since gone away but this house is still as full as ever,
I set the plates and silverware out with a candle for each

I have become my own apostle, disciple of my memory’s Christ, and when this dinner is over I will have realized that I was the one who betrayed myself

I still talk to the dead about them, and I am not scared of their reactions any longer

And when I ring the dinner bell, I will sit and eat and fellowship with everyone all at once

And we will break bread, like my wings when I am cold

And we will drink wine, red like nectar from the backyard

And when I finally go, there will be thunderstorms in this neighborhood

I'm so strung out by the thought of it,
Dug down into the dirt from it,
Pulled out from my comfort zone and thrown into the sun, getting more and more dried up by the minute, as if my body even has any tears left in it,
I can't run from it,
I can't hide from it,
I can't even fight it because how am I supposed to fight it if I can't even look it in its face

It looks like I haven't slept for days because I haven't slept for days,
Tumbling down the slippery ***** of being comfortable in the uncomfortable,
I've been so upset for so long that it feels weird to not be,
It feels weird to be okay,
I don't like it, so I stick to feeling blue instead of anything else because it's just what I know best

Yeah fine whatever I'll get the help I need when I need to, for now I'll just ****** **** myself one minute at a time, hopefully the clock will stop and let me breathe for a ******* second,
I told myself that if I stopped I would die so I just started spinning and spinning until everything became so blurry I could hardly tell what I was doing and it feels like now I can't stop,
If anything I've learned that if anyone is underground long enough that means that they're dead,
Please just ******* help me, grab a shovel and start digging,
I can't do this by myself,
Even though I know I'm suffering,
I'll cry every chance I get


The only reason I started drinking was because my ex girlfriend's therapist told her that it's bad to keep things bottled up,
I never stopped, not because I love the taste of it, just because it feels better on the way back up,
It lets me know I'm not alone,
My sour stomach or my rotting bones, it doesn't matter,
I love to feel like I'm alive even if I'll forget

I retrace my memories and soak them in the pool of veins from which they came,
One of these has to make sense now,
There's gotta be something here that warned us of this,
I've been looking for a while and I guess I was wrong the entire time

I should've known from the start that this was a bloodbath and there was nowhere to run from this,
That conflict was the point of it all and we would be absolutely nothing without it

If we keep making bad art in hopes that it turns good we will never be artists,
Art is ugly and so are we

I am god and so are you

Today we have just scratched the surface
Here lies your hopes and dreams
Mary Magdalene would merely laugh at me
Meadows of chloroform and chemical winds bypass my every thought but then again
Maybe I am not a disaster and maybe this is just a test

The strong willed and strong stomached gasp at the sight of this
What treachery is love and why is it not forbidden
What lovely tragedy, oh, what a comedy
You crave and thrive on drama and you are so two-faced
Even Jesus Christ is fooled

I am but a morsel lacking morals towards the monstrosities and the ill mannered
Flying high on the backs of the enemy
Laughing despicably
Uncontrollably

Gasping for every breath
Drowning in what seems to be nothing besides oxygen
I am a train wreck
I am a car crash

My fumes will spread near and far
Not as far as I'd like them to
But far enough to make the world know
That I am here and suffering

Please let me off easy
I'll do anything
Please let me off easy

Broken, beaten, battered, battled
Bestowed on top of the highest mountain
The clouds are my escape and I pray that I never have to return home

What is life without a little bit of adventure
What is a nightmare without a little bit of terror

Life is a thunderstorm and I am a chain-link fence
It was all very shocking at first
At least I am used to it by now

"Good morning sun, you are shining awfully bright today
Hello sunflower, you are looking breathtaking this morning
How are you, bonsai? You are looking so strong and sturdy!"

The sun sweeps over the hills and I sit for a moment and realize I have forgotten something

"Oh heavens, I have forgotten you"

"My dear rose, my sweet stone.
My muse and my flame.
I am so sorry I have forgotten you.
You are looking beautiful as ever this morning."

My eyes start to wash over with emotions I thought I had long forgotten

"My rose, my lovely blossom, you are shining like sequence on this lovely day."

I pace three or four times, I don't remember, maybe five

Hello sunset, you are so bright
Hello future, you are so light
Goodbye past, you are so hazy
Hello self, you are long gone

It has been three months, maybe four, I don't remember

"Father, happy birthday, we love you!
Mother is looking down on you and she is smiling so bright!"

"Hello, thank you.. Who are you?"

"Rose, there is someone here for us."

"Father, it's me, your son. I'm your son. I'm here to celebrate your birthday! D.. Don't you remember?"

"Rose, hurry, you don't want this young man to drink cold tea now, do you?"

With tears in my eyes I am viewing all of this through a kaleidoscope of forgetfulness I thought I would never have to remember

I remember hospital beds and sleepy eyelids just wishing to rest for a few minutes

A daughter lights a candle for her father and he immediately remembers the fire he saw

He screams and shouts as she is crying

"Father, father, please stop!
Everything is okay!
Everything will be okay!
We are okay!"*

If memory serves right, the sun is only as bright as I want it to be
I don't remember the last time I remembered
I am merely a helpless seed lost in the wind of this storm
and I cannot find my way back home

Now that I think about it, I don't even remember what home is

I have spent such a long time becoming familiar with fake gold that I do not know how to handle you
My fingertips have only grown to know the feeling of fool's gold

You sparkle and glisten at every crack and crease
I do not know how, but I do know the difference
My life has been spent digging and digging and I have finally struck gold
I am rich
I am rich with the feeling of empathy
I am rich with the feeling of guilt
I am the poorest rich man that you could ever meet

Here we are, our paths will always cross, no matter what
I have never been as thankful as I should be about the majority of things in my life, but in this moment
Right here
Right now
I have never been more thankful

I will come and go
You will always be on the move
But trust me when I say this
Not a single map on this Earth could do our journey justice

I wish for nothing more than to put on these gloves and so delicately hold you
Your atmosphere is heavy and enthralling
Being drawn in is the only feeling I will ever experience

I will never not be thankful
I will never not know the difference between now and forever

Today is where this starts
And forever is where this ends

Today I have struck gold

Starting today, I will never look back

It's all coming together now, one more time, I swear,
I'll get this,
I promise

I'm sorry for falling,
I never knew I'd be on your bedroom floor for this long,
It shouldn't bother you anyways, it never has before,
You probably don't even know I'm here

I ate your insides and threw up flowers all over the place,
It's too bad there's a garden inside of you that I'll never get to see grow,
I'm sick of you,
I'm sick with you,
I'm sick, and I will keep apologizing until you realize I am here,
I just want to have validation,
I just want your attention,
I'm sorry my pity party is a bust, but I have cake, and that should be enough

Your hair is burning with reckless intentions,
Your eyes are as blue as my sadness,
Your lips are a wall of graffiti that my spray paint could never cover,
I'm going over again, please never forget about me,

I wash up on the shore a few days later to find you wrapped in the arms of another,
I wish I would've fought harder,
I wish I knew when to stop,
I'm so selfish, I'll never stop being angry at myself,
I-- I'm sorry, I'm so, so, so, sorry

I'm writing about you and I know I shouldn't
The only reason I'm trying hard is because I can't decide if being with you or not being with you will save me the heartbreak
I don't know which one would break my heart more; being with you, or not being with you
You're here for a reason but I'm a ******* mess, so spell it out for me so I won't have to myself

I a m s o r r y

I am not sorry, I am a disaster
I am however sorry about this mess

I a m s o r r y

I know I shouldn't be writing about you
I know I shouldn't have held your hand
I know I shouldn't have kissed you
I know I shouldn't have made love to you
I know I shouldn't be writing about you
I know I shouldn't have told you all of that
I know I shouldn't have smoked so much
I know I shouldn't have drank too much

A madman will cope the best he knows how
I am the maddest man and I do not know how to cope
Maybe that's my problem
Maybe you're my problem
Maybe I'm insane
Maybe I'm perfectly okay and this is just my grieving process
We all die eventually but I'm dying sooner rather than later because of you but my god I would die for you a thousand times
I don't know what I'm rambling on about
I don't know what you're all about
I do know what I'm all about, you
What's driving me crazy, you
What's tearing me apart, you
You may not know this, and this is my fault
The only solution I'm looking for is innocence but I'm not innocent in the least and heaven knows you're not
I know we'll end up together eventually and that's what keeps me going
Or maybe that's just what I keep telling myself because I know I'm too fragile for you

I'm sorry

I’m not sure which hurts more, the way you left, or how you did it so easily

I drove to Cincinnati last week to write this at 2am because when I think about you for too long, I get too depressed to fall asleep, and I felt that even though I’d only be an hour closer to you down there, I’d feel better knowing that I was just a little bit closer,
No, I’m not lying when I say that I think about you the same way a semi driver thinks about changing lanes - for a long time, and almost constantly, you’re always in the back of my mind, I’m always wondering what move I should make next, and when I should make it

I fell for you the same way I learned how to ride my first bike, without elbow pads, and recklessly,
And it took me a couple tries, but I never got it, and I still don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m so sorry I could never be enough for you

I wanted to fill up a notebook’s lines with nothing but your name so I could jump into it and live out our best lives, in between the lines, a place where we could have the option to erase whatever we need to, but wouldn’t want to, because everything would already be so perfect

And when you smiled, when you smiled it felt like the sky was so jealous of you,
Like your beauty shined so bright that the sun herself breathed your skin in like oxygen

I wish you would’ve just lied to me, whatever it took to make me feel comfortable

And even beauty has her bad days,
Like roses have thorns,
It kind of just happens, without even being asked,
Kind of the way I fell in love with you, and even your bad,
It just happened, I didn’t even have to ask,
I wonder if I had the chance to, would it have changed anything?
Would you still be here and would I know where I went wrong?

The way you explained at breakfast that if you were an egg, on your bad days, you’d be scrambled,
But on your good days, you told me that you’d be sunny side up,
I always joked about wanting to take all of you and roll you up into an omelette, take the good and the bad, and see how far I could run with it

I thought this love came so easily and naturally, but I was so wrong,
The way I loved you made you feel untouchable and maybe that was part of the problem,
Too much of anything is bad for you, no matter how good you think it is

The way you packed your bags and left, it all felt like it was done so effortlessly, like this is exactly what you were made for, perfectly

I’m not sure which hurts more,
The way you left,
Or how you did it so easily

It’s 4am now in Cincinnati, I’m looking above the skyline, at the moon and the stars, and they aren’t even pretty anymore, they just remind me of your freckles, and I’m telling the river about you, she says she’s jealous,

I think I’m going to drive home now and sleep

When I killed myself to be someone who was wanted by everyone, I never imagined that I would end up right here

Next to you, asleep, at 1 o clock in the morning,
My arm around your back, feeling every crease that your body tries so desperately to hide away from the surface,
You, fast asleep, how beautiful your eyelids look when they’re closing the world off for you while you come to grips with living this way,
And yeah, It’s a beautiful feeling

I never knew I could love like this

Like you, you’re such a beautiful feeling,
Every word that comes out from your lips and your tongue, it all flows so naturally,
I was never convinced that naturally love should feel like this,
I taught myself to love hard and fast and never slow down, like everyone else that came before you,
But don’t get me wrong, your sunlight eyes and flower tipped nose look very nice in my garden, and I think I’ll keep you around for some seasons,
Which is to say, I hope this feeling never dies

When I told you that I wrote poetry, I hesitated to do so because I knew that no poem I could write could possibly do anything about you justice,
I mean just look at you,
Everything about you is a poem written from all of my favorite poets

I never knew I could love like this

My heart, a puzzle, missing all of the pieces,
I’m starting to think that maybe none of them were missing, they just needed someone with patience, someone who wants to look at the bigger picture,
I found you,
Just like a missing puzzle piece,
I’m not saying I need you to fix me,
You’re just doing a really wonderful job at showing me how beautiful my clouds look while they’re next to the blue pieces

Your kisses, small and sweat like Reese’s Pieces, this wouldn’t be a love poem if some of things I said weren’t cheesy,
I guess to top it all off I could say that living and loving with you is easy peazy, your flavor makes my heart clean and washes away the bitter, no lemon squeazy

I never knew I could love like this

Bad puns and “that was a good one”’s aside

We got a good thing going

Let’s keep it that way, dream girl

I saw you in my reflection once. You were yellow in the golden hour and you shined like you were baptized in glitter, and I could’ve sworn right then and there that time stood still. Every clock in the house stopped at once, and I knew that meant you were something born out of everything I find perfect in this world. I stuck my hand out and offered to pull you through, but let’s be honest, if something is perfect, we should keep it right where it is. But it never works like that. Someone gets selfish. Someone starts a fire that they can’t put out, lights a match that shouldn’t be lit, dowses every crack in the concrete with alcohol. We didn’t care how dangerous we were, we just wanted to say we felt something. We wanted to dance. So we danced, and danced, and danced until our sweat felt like rain clouds. Like rain clouds. Like rain clouds. Drip drop onto our hands and knees and pray all night like God was listening. Like it meant something. Like we’d both not care in the morning when the war was over, but we had to go and pick sides. We were so young then, when we thought that actions spoke louder than words and we took each other’s hands and looked into the mirror, that morning, and kissed each other on the cheek. How innocent. How sweet and beautiful. And innocent.

I'm drinking
I'm so sorry
I'm smoking a cigarette
I'm so sorry
I hate you
I'm so sorry
Everything is blurry and my heart is aching for you
I finished my last cigarette and I want another
I told myself I'd quit but I also told myself I'd forget about you and look how that's going

I'm sitting in my bathtub and
I'm scrubbing until you come off of my skin
This is the third day sitting in this tub thus far and I'm still showing no sign of getting rid of the thought of you
No amount of alcohol will get your taste out of my mouth and
No amount of smoke will get your air out of my lungs
You make me feel so *****
My skin will always crawl with yours still on it

They weren't wrong when they said you'd always be a part of me
What will be, will be, and I'm having a hard time realizing that
I don't want to just live with it
I don't want to just accept the fact that someone so disgusting broke me in two and I don't even have enough strength to glue myself back together

It's been three years since
I still remember your breath like it was my own
It smelled of smoke and bad decisions
Who knew you'd teach me to follow after your footsteps
I guess this is what growing up is supposed to be about
I never thought I'd grow up without you by my side
I guess I am still growing up with you, considering you'll never leave my head
I just never pictured it to be this way
Maybe it was for the better, or maybe the worse
Either way I can't imagine my life without you in it
I don't want you anymore, please get the **** away from me and let me breathe before the thought of you suffocates me
You are the devil

I want you to cover my feet with cement and beat me senseless until I can't remember you
Maybe until I can't even remember myself
I can't remember myself much after I gave it all to you anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter

It's early and bright out,
The sun swallowed me,
It ate me up and spit me out

Nowadays, all there is is remembering,
No more looking forward,
All there is is looking back,
The air is thin and it beats the air that I am standing on with a bat,
Her air is full of love and goodbyes,
There is no point in saying hellos

What about her?
Does she make you happy?
Her lips folded over yours and the smell of alcohol, a stench, dripping into every single one of your thoughts,
Intoxicating you until you cannot see straight,
Her hands, around your neck until you cannot breathe,
The smoke, filling your lungs until you cannot breathe

I cannot breathe, unless I am breathing her in,
I cannot see straight, unless I am seeing her,
All of this, everything, for her, never for me

It's not worth it,
It's not worth it,
It's not worth it

Beating my heart until it is broken,
Tripping on my shoe laces like they were never tied to begin with,
We were never tied to begin with, I promise

This will be hard, I promise,
You won't be able to stop the shaking, I promise,
I will never leave you, I promise,
Every promise I make, I will break, I promise

I cannot see you anymore, in other worlds, I cannot see straight anymore
I cannot breathe you in anymore, in other words, I cannot breathe anymore

Still, everything I do, I do it for you, even if I won't want to

I promise

I remember when you asked me if I had ever wanted to be someone else and all I could think about was wanting to be the person you thought about when you fall asleep,
I'm *****, a greedy, selfish, fool,
To think that I was everything you ever wanted out of anybody, I kissed you softly, and I could tell no one ever treated you, that nicely

You flinched at the sight of my hands and you never finished your dinners,
You're gone now and I'd like to think I'm still bitter, just to prove to everyone around me that you didn't mean a single thing, but honestly, as much as I want to call you a nobody, a nothing, you taught me absolutely everything

You always slept with a night light on because you were afraid of the dark and what it had to offer,
I was never scared of anything, maybe that was my problem,
We never worked things out and I was just angry that when it came to yours, I could never solve them,
I was under the impression that in time it would get easier but all it got was harder

Your father was an honest man, and maybe that's why he left your mother,
Maybe you can't sleep at night because the ones who are after you, just want another, like you do,
I see you're badly broken, me too,
Let me be your caretaker, I can fix you, I've done a lot to the world and I owe everyone in her a favor or two

I guess I'm just over compensating for something you made me feel like I was always missing,
And now it's all in my head,
I can't think of anything else besides you when it's raining,
I remember you grabbed me and pulled me into it, but you made me think we were just playing,
We let it go further than either of us wanted but I guess that's just what we get for thinking it would stop the hurting,
Over everything else I just wish you would've listened to a single word I was saying

We used to load our bodies up like guns and unload our clips into each other, using our bodies for target practice every night, but we never seemed to hit each other's mark,
The sparks fly and the room catches fire, but we stay where we are

I tried to dip the world in gold but it was still so ugly and valueless to me, I should've never let you make me think you were the only thing my eyes could see,
Maybe I should just walk around naked, finally feel vulnerable in front of someone else besides just you and me

I didn't mean to ruin this,
I never really mean to ruin anything,
But I guess everyone has their hobbies

Rally the horses,
Tally the corpses,
Go manic and shoot off your body like it's a gun,
The walls bleeding bright red, dripping into puddles on the bed,
I always tell myself that I wasted so much time, but time is irrelevant when everything feels dead,
60 seconds 60 minutes 60 ****** knives, we both lead such ****** ****** lives

And she said I know it's hard but this will get better
This will get better

I remember when you told me you were going to set the whole ******* world on fire, what happened?
I remember when you stopped and regretted it and I remember holding onto all of it as much as I could because I knew you couldn't handle any of it, not anymore

Go supernova and leave them all in your wake,
A no good do gooder drunk through the relapse with broken teeth,
You were always here but it never seemed like you were enjoying even a minute,
Emotional asphyxiation is such a heavenly way to die but you're the apple of my eye and as much as I don't want to,
I need to say it

And she said I know it's hard but this will get better
This will get better

I never stopped to ask you how you were feeling because every time I stopped you just told me to keep going and I'm
done with it,
You get the jist,
Tried eating and I just get sick,
Tried sleeping but the bad dreams never end,
Sipping yellow paint, filled with yellow haze,
In a craze I'm in a maze and my head won't rest,
Hate being happy, being sad is the ******* best,
I'm sorry

Broken poet, baptized and drenched in Sisyphus,
Beaten ****** pessimist,
I wanna fight it but I'm too much of a pacifist,
Brittle even with vitamins,
I never knew disaster could look like this,
I digress, I'm ****** twisted and you all can't get enough of it,
Keep em comin 'til I drown in my own spit,
The way you're talking makes you sound like a ****** lunatic but ******* I can't seem to get enough of it

I need you,
I shouldn't say this but I need to

Toxicity's filling my veins and the numbness is clogging my arteries,
You can't swim well in a dead sea

I tried to fight through the fog of your feelings but it was too dense to see, anything,
I never knew you had such a lust for blood until I saw the fangs,
Inside of us are such broken pretty things

You were such a broken pretty thing and I need you,
I said it, I ****** need you

It's been soaking for a while now and I think it's best it finally bled through,
I'm finally realizing you were right when you said it was for the best that we were

through

I shouldn't have said this, but I needed to

It's been awhile, and if you were to ask me how I was doing right now, I wouldn't be able to say well

My walls came crashing down
only to be rebuilt so sturdy that not even Jesus himself could push through to me

My branches have been cut and my leaves have turned brown with selfloathing and greed

I am not doing well, do not even ask me

I know this is my fault, it always is
I push everyone out
I don't know a good thing when it's coming
I always sabotage everything in my life

Maybe it's me, maybe it isn't

I just know I am getting very, very tired
and I need to sleep soon

If you were here, would you even ask me

Would you stop me and ask me if I was doing well, or would you stay quiet and keep walking
like you have for the past three years

I don't even remember the last time you asked me

*I just know I am getting very, very tired
and I need to sleep soon

I can't stop thinking about you
Maybe that's why I can never get any sleep
I'm so busy trying to get you in my bed that I can't even get comfortable in it myself
My sheep are too busy running around the thought of you to jump over a fence
You're my favorite nursery rhyme
I could scream your chorus until my voice grew tired
I wish I could grow tired
I never have energy, but it seems like I have enough to never stop chasing you
You're the only thing I think about, I can't stop
You're like a drug
You make me feel on top of the world, but I know you won't last forever and I'll be laying back in my bed wishing for more of you when you're gone
Maybe I need to stop thinking like that and just stop thinking about it in general and go with what feels right
Maybe I need to shut the **** up and just grab you by your waist and kiss you
Maybe I need to stop being afraid to
When I pass out you're all I see
My dreams are nothing but your hand in mine, and it kills me a little more each time I wake up and realize my fingers aren't touching yours
Although I wish we were more, I'm too scared to regret meeting you
As much as you drive me absolutely crazy, you're the only solution I've ever found to any of my problems
It isn't even a bad kind of crazy
It's the kind of crazy that makes me want to set everything aside and drive across the country with you with nothing besides our love, loud music, and the moonlight that'll chase us the entire way there
Maybe when you read this you'll call me up and ask me to get some coffee with you
I don't know why I'm kidding myself, I'm running after a ghost
Maybe I'm just too stubborn to actually speak up
Maybe you've been thrown back in my face this many times so I'll gather up the courage and ******* do something about it instead of write ****** poems about you

Maybe one day I will, but until I get the courage to do so, I'll just sit in my shower and cry about why I'm too afraid to and why I feel like something is holding me back

Lackluster serenade
Pick me up and lay me into your abundance

I wish I may, I wish I might
For the moon to collapse and the stars to collide
Your hair is soft and silky
Like fresh cut grass in the summer of '97

11pm, sing me to sleep with your soft, sweet melodies

I am caught between a rock and a hard place
Yet I wish to be caught between your lips
Oh my, your soft, sweet lips

Do not mind me, I must have slipped
Do not remind me, give me no tips
This is a struggle, I do not fit

I am wrong and you are right
I wish I may, I wish I might

Cherries and wine, you are mine
Intoxicate me, you are so fine

Destroy me with your every grasp, take every one of my last breaths

"I never mattered, we never mattered
It all ends in death"

Said the wolf to the lamb
*"We all are next"

I used you,
I used you for the inspiration to write this and I'm not sorry,
I broke your heart over mine and your tears became the ink to this pen and I do not feel bad about it, any of it

You were close to the edge and I pushed you, I pushed all of you,
I knew you weren't ready but I pushed you so I could catch you and become the hero, besides, there's gotta be a hero in all of this, right?
A real ****** nice guy,
A miserable excuse for a lover,
Don't touch her, she's mine, all mine,
And I watched her knees bend until they hit the pavement,
Execution for drowning in heartbreak's debt, you asked for this, you know that, right?

I saw your breath and I breathed it in, it spoke to my head in twists and bends,
There's just something here that I need to get rid, of,
Mice and Men, I was Lennie and you were George, we all know how this ends,
You were always so smart but there were cracks in your skin and I was so stupid from your love but I felt strong enough to make all of your wounds mend

When I get to Heaven I wonder if I'll see any of my friends,
Or if Heaven in and of itself is a sin,
I'll never know because as long as you knew me, I made you my religion and I prayed every single night to you, it's only natural that you left, just like Jesus did,
But you never died for any of this,
You just kicked baggage into my chest like mud onto my shoes and now I'll never be able to walk clean again,

I can't seem to get enough of your love, and,
At this point I'm swallowing your pills by the dozen,
I can't wait to wrap this up in a big bag and nail it in a coffin,
I'm sorry if I was a mistake then, but you have my body rocking and it's going a million miles an hour in circles now, it's coming loose at it's ends

I have a lot of friends who lost a lot of friends to ******, Jesus Christ, what are you trying to prove? That I'm still not over you? I don't wanna think about you but thinking about you is just what I do and I can't stop myself, even if I wanted to

Somewhere between genuine ignorance and outright blissfulness, we're either getting there or we're suffering, so what's the point anyway?

This is a bad decision but I ******* love suffering more than anything so you really know I'm not going to stop any of this any time soon and I hope you feel the same because at this point I'd be absolutely nothing without you and I ******* hate myself for that more than any of you could ever understand

But I can't stop, so I won't

it’s amazing how far we can take ourselves,
especially when we stop trying to stop ourselves,
especially when we stop trying to apologize to ourselves for everything that we think we need to become, but haven’t yet,
yeah, I know sometimes it hurts to feel alone,
sometimes it hurts to feel alone,
feel alone,
but, hold on a second
please, would you just, hold on a minute,
wait for my cue

at the count of three we are going to convince ourselves that everything around us is on fire, even though it’s not,
pretend that the world revolves around everything besides us, even though it doesn’t,
it revolves around us,
because if it didn’t,
we wouldn’t be here,
everything wouldn’t spin all the time,
we wouldn’t have to have this talk,
everyone would just smile all the time

I just left my family’s Easter dinner without saying goodbye because I couldn’t help but smile the whole time,
even though it felt like my whole body was a bear trying to rip through my bones like they were some kind of bear trap,
didn’t tell my grandma I loved her,
didn’t tell my cousin congratulations,
didn’t tell my uncle I missed him,
didn’t take a breath in my niece’s direction,
didn’t say anything,
just sat there, quiet, waiting for the perfect opportunity to leave

and on the drive back home, I listened to even sadder music, and cried, loudly, I can’t wait for the day that crying goes out of style,
can’t wait for the day that we go back to normal,
whatever that means

but I promise I’m taking the steps accordingly, finally going to therapy, on Thursday

we have so much to talk about,
why do we make ourselves so quiet

Spill your coffee on me
My skin is exhausted and maybe the caffeine will soak in and wake up my tired bones
I could be your poetic trainwreck, baby
Don't ever worry about running out of cigarettes
Light up my fingers and smoke my soul,
I'm sure it's full of toxicity
Paint all of my journals black and rip the pages out, everything in them is about you and I don't have the ******* time to do what's right with myself
Stop whispering about me, I am so loud about you
I know you're disappointed, we all are, aren't we?
All I have the motivation to do is make up excuses about why I can't get better, but they're all *******
My pessimism stops my optimism from showing its face, but maybe that's a good thing, I know this will pass eventually

I COULDN'T WRITE THESE POEMS WITHOUT FEELING HORRIBLE
I WOULDN'T BE ALIVE WITHOUT FEELING HORRIBLE
LIFE IS ALL ABOUT FEELING
AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU I'M FEELING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

These pages keep getting coffee and paint dripped on them
Everything seems sluggish, but with coffee, even the most exhausting situations will become awake with astonishment
Everything seems dull, but with paint, even the ugliest situations become beautiful

I want to be the man with the hat
I want to be able to pull doves out from under my hat, anywhere anytime
That way I'd be able to let my problems fly away instead of letting my problems settle and make a home in my head
Trust me, this is magic
All of this is magic
These few tricks have been tucked away in my sleeves and it's about time I let them go
Heaven is no place for the wicked, especially not magicians
What can I say? Life is better with a little bit of magic
For my final act, I'll make all of my sadness disappear

Self deprecation helps keep my head in check
It makes me realize I'm not the best, but I'm trying, and that's all that really matters
Even the summer thaws out from under the winter
I know my beauty will thaw out from all of these problems
I just have to be willing to see the brighter side of things and give them the permission to melt the ice that holds all of my problems in place

I hope it rains today so I can watch your tears fall like melted candlewax
No, you're not the only person I write about
Just one of my favorites
Good god all mighty ****** Mary
Bless the Saint you are so heavenly

Lilacs and daffodils are all that come out of your mouth
You are the purest of the purest and the best of them all
You are a dime a dozen
No one touch them
Call the cops if the secret ever gets out

Wrap me like a blanket in your warmth
Because it's a cold cruel world
And my breath is freezing over like Hell would if you ever were to fall in love with me

A puny tiny wimp full of nothing, here it is
Don't you dare forget about me
Claw and climb and free yourself from your cage
And give me a call when you feel it's necessary
Until then I will be here
Awaiting the knock on my door
With a mind full of fear and a heart that feels too full

Sunny side up is where I'll never be
Choose to be, you chose between
Perfect craftsmanship and rotting fingertips
Take me for a spin and see just how far I'll take you

You never know with me
Of course, not even I do
But that's the point, right

If we were given the option to cut ourselves open and put back all of the guts we’ve spilled out for other people, I wonder how many of us would actually do it

How many of us must be content with waking up inside of someone else’s skin and claiming it to be our own

I never really learned how to sleep easily, for as long as I can remember I’ve been kept awake every night by whatever skeletons show up in my closet,
And that’s why I threw away my night light,
Smashed it

I was seven years old when I first saw the fire

I remember vividly hearing my mother’s preacher tell me that I should keep my heavens tilted towards the ceiling,
I knew then that church was no place for an honest and forgiving man

There will always be something that could fall through the floorboards at any minute

And when it all came crashing down I could feel my hair start to shed itself into shards of glass,
The pieces eclipsing mirrors through the smoke in my basement

The spark was born in flames and there is no doubt in my mind that it will go out the same way

I’ve gotten off to people telling me they’re in love with me and I became so obsessed with the feeling that I would grow my wings out and claim myself to be a guardian angel

And I am realizing now that there is no heaven in the ceiling and my guardian angels are nymphomaniacs only out to devour what little is left of me

Think hard, think often
Don't make me sad, just make me try
Don't make me cry, just make me catch my breath
A sorry sinner is nothing but a disappointment to a praying priest, regardless of how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise

The dog days of summer draw heat from the burning sunflowers putting forth freakishly light fragments of a long gone but not forgotten dark alley way in the back of a decomposing poet's mind
Thought of a thousand times, but not remembered nearly as often as it should be
From whiskey saturated journal pages in the back of a city bus to a bouquet of roses delivered from lovers to their others, heartbreak is a beautifully tragic masterpiece that deserves the utmost respect even when being respectful is the last thing you want to be

Trust me, living is truly not believing until you've lived to tell about your beliefs without a crack in your voice
If I put this pen down, I will never get the strength to pick it back up again
If there is beauty in floating up, there is beauty in crashing back down
I just hope my forgetfulness never reminds me of the time I felt whole, I may never get the chance to write again
But my god, what I would give to not feel everything crumbling down all at once

I would die a thousand times if I were promised that emotions and feelings were never ending, I wish to feel everything all at once all the time; it gives me reassurance that I am alive
I wish to live forever
I wish to suffer
I do not love it, however I do need it
I want to feel until I no longer can feel at all
Let it be known that I will live forever in these writings
I have said all that I need to say
And when I am laying in my death bed, I will shout, "Last words are for fools who haven't said enough"

Every time I look into the mirror, I see someone different
I've been trying to find myself in other people for as long as I can remember
My body belongs to those who have shaped me
To the ones who have taken me by the hand and have taken me apart one by one, I present before you the one who was rebuilt by his surroundings and the ones who cared enough (or not so much) about their work

The forgetfulness in my bones stems from the girl I met in elementary school
She was so lackadaisical, you couldn't find a care in her world even if you tried your hardest
She taught me that it isn't always in your favor to care so much
That sometimes it isn't worth it to worry about everything or everyone else, especially if the situations or people are toxic to you

The boy I met in my 7th grade math class
He smoked cigarettes and liked to skateboard
I'd like to thank him for giving me the push I needed to stop caring so much about the way I looked and also for showing me that the words people say to me don't matter as much as I think they do
I don't talk to him much anymore, but I know he'd be disappointed by the fact that I've let such sadness and pessimism slip into my veins
Things were never simpler than when listening to loud punk music and skateboarding were the only things that mattered to me
I'd give anything to take myself back

I met a boy when I was 14 years old
He listened to cool music and played call of duty with me
He was my best friend
The more we grew up, the more we grew apart
His opinions started to differ from mine
His personality changed for the worse
He taught me that "depression is a sin" and I need to "find God" to rid myself of my sadness
He taught me that sometimes even the ones you love can slip away from you in the blink of an eye, but it isn't always a bad  thing

The girl I met my freshman year of highschool
She was short and full of steam that never seemed to come to an end
If rebellion had a face, it was definitely hers
She taught me that people can lie about anything as long as the ones listening to them care enough about them

But trust me, those were the least of my trust issues
The girl I met my junior year of highschool gave me such a different point of view about everything
She was older, so I thought she knew better
I thought things were different this time, better than they had ever been before her
Now my most vibrant memory of her is sitting in her driveway while she bawled her eyes out and cursed me for hours
Even though I wasn't in the wrong, I put myself in it and I stayed in it until I was forced out
She taught me that lust wears a costume
Sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's pretty
Sometimes it looks like love

I met a girl my senior year of highschool
The sunshine shimmered through her hair and the words she spoke were softer than a pillow after a long day of work
She had a lot of problems, but so did I
She taught me that it's not right for me to carry someone else's weight without being strong enough to lift my own
She taught me that love is a struggle and it can get extremely ugly if it isn't kept up with

I met a guy a few years ago
Through thick and thin, I know we have each other's back, no matter what
There are some people that you meet that you just know will be in your life for as long as you want them to be
They'll love you regardless of what you've been through, regardless of your opinions, and regardless of if you think badly about yourself
They will be here for you until the end, and he taught me to cherish real friendship; it isn't easy to come by

I met a girl when I was 15 years old
I didn't know it then, and I'm having a hard time contemplating it now, but I know she's something special
Through everything we have both been through, we always end up back together
It seems that we pop up in each other's lives when we need each other the most
She taught me that people who are meant to be in your life, will never leave it for good
They will always find a way back to you

As time went on and I thought things couldn't get any worse, I met my future
I met friends who cared about me
I met a newfound hope that I thought was extinguished years ago
I met happiness and I shook hands with it

From start to end, my life is a puzzle that I sometimes have a hard time finding the pieces to
I've found a few pieces so far, and others pieces haven't fit perfectly, but trial and error will get you through anything if you try hard enough

I've held up to this point, and I don't really see myself collapsing anytime soon

As much as life and I have a love-hate relationship, I don't think I'd change anything

When your momma tells you she loves you, say it back

Stay distanced from your family as much as you feel you need to, but don't cut yourself out completely

Your grades are not as important as they're all making them out to be, don't be afraid to care for yourself as much as you need to

Listen to your music loud and be forgiving, but not forgetful

Believe in yourself even though you can't believe in a god

Stop forcing yourself to go to your parent's church just to make your parents happy, being around a group of people so toxic is a lot to handle and you deserve better

When you start going to parties,
Don't let go of them so easily,  no matter how many drugs they are on, they will be some of the best people you will ever meet, do not take them for granted

When you walk by flowers, smell them, you have no idea how much they will mean to you one day

Eat your favorite meal as often as you want to,
Eat chocolate at any time of the day,
Just ******* eat something, anything

When she tells you she loves you, do not listen to her,
Do not listen to her friends,
Do not listen to a word she says,
Listen to yourself, you will be stronger than this one day

And

When this new girl talks about Brand New for the first time, just start crying, you'll need a good head start,
And when she takes you to see them live, hold her tight, even though you don't know this will be one of the last times you'll be able to look her in the eyes,
And when she chooses to go, don't run after her, as much as you want to, it's better this way, for the both of you

Recognize when you're getting bad again, it's dangerous when you don't, and you'll find that out soon

You will find people to kiss the scars, I promise you,
In the mean time just don't stop loving,
I know it's hard to love anything and I know it's hard to not hate it all and I know it's hard to stop your fast heart beat and I know anxiety is becoming a storm but listen to me carefully

Romanticize yourself,
You haven't felt loved in a long time and I can tell,
That there's more to this than those sleepless nights,
That there's more to this than the look of fear in your family's eyes

And when the time comes,
Do not try to **** yourself, even though I know at this point you've thought about it so many times

You are perfect,
There is more to this,
You are perfect,
There is more to this

And you are the strongest person I've ever met in my entire life, and you've seen a lot, but don't let any of that **** you

You're more than that,
And when you read this, take it to heart,
It'll help you out a lot

I love you so much
Do me a favor, baby, don't reply
I can dish it out, but I can't take it
I've been trained to love and love and love, but never allow myself to take love back in return
I've been so used to loving and hating at the same time that I can't imagine a world where loving someone else and myself at the same time is possible
I'm so used to carrying everything and everyone on my shoulders, even if I'm not trying to and they don't want me to
It's all I'm used to, what else could you expect me to do
Hot or cold, rain or snow, I am not a seasonal soul
I love you so much, I can dish it out, but I can't take it
Slow, fast, all at once, I find myself on the edge of your seat, and without a second thought, I am dying for you so you won't have to
I give myself the power to carry you, so much that I don't even want to plug myself in
My batteries could run out and I would still run to the ends of the earth for you
This is dangerous and I am reckless, you don't need to tell me twice, I'm an absolute lunatic
However when it comes to you, everything makes sense
I want to change and I want to be different for you
I'll do anything, just give me the go ahead
I can dish it out, but I want to take it

You only tell me you love me when your words are slurred and your breath smells like liquor
I could really use it though, I haven't been loved in forever
I need one more taste and one more flame to spark the iron in my bones

Even with my eyes open, fever dreams will find their way
I can feel you with my eyes closed, laying in your tangles
This isn't what I meant when I told you I wanted more
I was asking for novocaine; something to numb everything around me
What I got were feelings that tore me apart, those feelings never even laid a finger on you
I wish I never laid a finger on you

You're never around unless it's convenient
I'm never around because I can't seem to find my confidence
I just want some kind of closure, some kind of answer
You come and go and I can't tell if I want to tie a rope around you and go into the storm with you or if I'm better off cutting the strings

I know you're everything that's bad for me but
I've been so good recently, maybe I need to decay a little
A little sip or a small puff, all in the name of love
Because love is disgusting and twisted and drunk and misleading and--
No, this isn't love

This is a broken person trying to mend by finding comfort in discomfort
A broken person hoping to find somewhere else that's more uncomfortable than their skin, somewhere that they feel they would fit in well enough to convince themselves that their soul isn't too ***** to be cleansed

I sold myself to you and now there's no going back
You destroyed the receipt with good intentions but bad situations
I know we both want this but I really don't think we're doing this right, or at least I'm not
Maybe you don't really want this, I mean, you say you do, but I always had a bad feeling about honesty this deep
I laid it all out for you with a heart you could keep
But you're hiding it away from everyone else and not letting anyone see
I just don't know about you
No, I know everything about you, my mind just has a way of putting things that makes everything seem ugly

I'm sorry about this
I'm sorry about me
I don't want you to feel this feeling
You need what's best for you and I can't help but tell myself I'm not what you're looking for
I can't help but tell myself I don't need help

Please help me
I want you but not myself
I'll try my best I swear, as long as you let me kiss your neck and play with your hair

*TO THE ONE I ADORE, FOREVER AND EVERMORE

If you can't find anything to live for then it's best you find something to die for,
When your best friend dies and your next friend dies and your best friend's friend takes his own life, what the **** do you have left? Who the **** are you supposed to turn to?

I feel alone no matter what all the time and I know I have some of the best friends in the world, but my mind has a certain way of telling me otherwise,
It backs me into a corner and looks me dead in the eyes,
It says I have no one, that I'm a nothing, surrounded by nobodies, ****** ****** Sabbath day, rip my head off and tell me everything will be okay, the blood will clean me, like it cleans everyone,
I am pouring myself out constantly and in return I am getting no one

I am alive because I am alive because I am afraid of it all,
I am not not afraid of dying, I am afraid of what comes after,
I met god and all she wanted to do was **** me to my favorite songs,
A puppet like me has to have strings attached, but I guess even when it comes to god I can't get a call back

5 cigarettes left, 4 bottles of jack, 3 secrets kept,
2 eyes,
1 mouth,
0 hearts,
Not mine, not anyone else's,
No room for myself, no room for anyone else

Bones made out of water wishing for nothing more than to be made of iron,
Daydream dying,
At the drop of a dime,
I feel like killing myself all the time,
I'll never understand or I won't understand until I'm older or somewhere in between

The idea was to drink until the pain had passed over, but all I got in the end was a bad headache and a hangover,
I push everyone away from me, especially the ones who seem to care the most, the ones who don't have a problem letting me breathe, see,
I give myself to the dangerous ones because they put me on the edge and the edge is the only place I'm used to anymore, the only place I feel free, and it's so ****** up,
To think that I'll never allow myself the experience of beauty, I'm too busy, letting the demons have their way me, yet still praying for the angels to save me,
I'm a fine tuned hypocrite,
Don't give a ****,
I'll cry about it even though I know I'm the one who did it

I can't help but run from consistency when it finds a home in me but it doesn't make any sense because change scares the absolutely **** out of me,
When I get this way, everything is so ******* scary,
Even I'm getting sick of saying I'm sorry, trust me

The visions clearer,
Unstoppable with nothing to lose like Julies Caesar,
She has all of her clothes off and all I know how to do is feel her, I've never learned anything else

I'm so ******* sick of writing poems about getting my heart broken,
I'm so ******* sick of writing poems about love at all,
But what the **** am I supposed to write about, if being broken is the only real thing I can feel,
It's such a viscous cycle, I'm such a viscous ******,
I keep dying for everyone but I'm no messiah, I have my own sins and I can't even save myself,
But you could beat me into a ****** pulp and I'd still worship you like the sun

I don't know what to live or die for, I just know that I'm dying

I can't be the only one

I want to be your sentient being,
Wrap me up in cold air,
Breathe a breath and blow out your hot air,
You melodramatic superstar,
Whisper me into song,
There, you lie alone in your gray hair,
Old enough to know better but young enough to not care

Drown me in whatever you call all of that,
It’s hard to see through and it’s warm to the touch,
Bruised up and blue black,
Filthy dripping, tongues wrapped,
I want to suffocate, ******* kisses that make my lungs black,
Cigarettes at the dinner table,
Fork and knife both like cheek bones,
One of us is going to lose here

Tell me those nothings that make me feel better,
Keep me tethered,
Keep me floating around you like a feather,
Slick as leather,
Less is more and more is better

Keep me feeling like a ******* monster,
Let me into your guts and I’ll let you into mine,
I get this strange feeling every night where it feels like nothing’s ever going to get better

I want so badly to be vulnerable,
Untouchable yet envious of touch,
I have learned how badly it hurts to become,
And after I *** I will leave you immediately,
I know so much of everything and I get so sick to beat of the drums,
I want to rip our chests open and use our ribs like xylophones to the tune of rock n roll suicide,
I have become all or nothing,
Do or die

I have learned the Death Dance,
I call it Human,
I have never learned to love,
I’ve never known Cupid,
Yeah, I love the taste of blood,
Especially when it’s humid,
Always beating myself up,
I always ******* do this

Now it’s 1am, I’m drunk again, listening to Andrew Jackson Jihad, blacking out on my floor again, again, again, and again,
There are stars above my head

To the heavens, we are going home,
To the hells, we are burning everything that hurt us and after that we will burn ourselves too

We will grow to become so beautiful

Everything is cold and everyone is desperate
I am not crying, I am being honest
It's been a long time here and I'm tired
How do the nameless go about making a name for themselves
If the only joy to be found is buried six feet into the ground

We built a home that was so easily turned
We walked through the fire together but I was the only one burned
With eyes weak and no hope to be found
I turned on myself to pick out the flaws
There is no place in the world for people like me

I looked through the window
And I could just barely see
A woman, laced with happiness and a dress down to her knees
With an umbrella, a purse, and a pair of glasses to see

Everything is bright and everyone is shining
It's been a while, I am not crying
We have made a name for ourselves, her and me
It's Mr. and Mrs. Lovely, we have grown a tree
On Sunday's and Monday's, I count every leaf
One smile, two smiles, three smiles, indeed

What a lovely change of events
One would agree
It isn't very long until you are able to see
That with every wrong, comes a right
I sure hope you believe
That not a flicker in sight
is dull enough to cease

Even though we are lonely, even though we are weak
We will stand up strong
and be filled up with peace

Everything that made sense to me ended up hurting me
Maybe it's time I stopped making sense
A fourth, a fifth, a sixth
Whatever it takes to make me feel worth it

Yellow love, eat me up inside
Grow your vines and wrap around my heart and squeeze it until it pops like a balloon
I want to feel alive and full of air
I want confetti to explode out of my mouth when you kiss it because you a party and you deserve to be celebrated

Hold my hand and squeeze it so I know you'll never let go on accident
That way when I feel your hand unwrap around mine, I'll know you did it on purpose
It'll be a lot less hurtful, trust me

I will no longer be a lighthouse for your rough waters and I have grown to accept it
I will still see your ships and sails
And they will always be in the back of my mind
You will always be in the back of my mind

It's about time I say goodbye to what I thought would be forever
Blowing kisses and hugging the skeletons in your closet has never sounded so comfortable
But here I am, suitcase in hand
I just wish this goodbye could last forever

I can't complain
My coffee is getting cold and my flight is booked for an hour from now
Take a look at what's beneath your feet
Flowers that once bloomed at your every step are now wilting and crying onto your dress
Just wait for the clarity, this will all make sense
Where we're going, we are no longer safe
The stone walls you've built will crush us from the inside out

I have no choice but to burn what's left and start all over
Maybe then everything will finally feel fresh again
It's been so long since I've woken from a dream and felt confident
I never meant for any this to happen, believe me
I have wanted everything for us but I have spent all of my money buying you rings
and every one of them end up tossed into the creek

I always end up lost in the street
Begging and pleading
This is no place for a man that cares this much
I guess there is no place for a man that cares this much
Not on these streets and most definitely not in your arms

I want your head to shake and shatter like an earthquake when you read this
I want your gut to fill with panic and your sense of all understanding completely wiped out

Maybe I should stop wishing the worst for my enemies
But then again, maybe I should stop making sense

Everything at once,
Now nothing at all,
A cycle recycled over and over until it is the last thing my mind can get a grasp on, the only thing I can rely on,

Friends, enemies, on, off, stuck

Stuck

Between the wall of abundance and the wall of isolation,
Finding love in the rubble,
Forming friendships from the dirt of the garden, picking flowers to give to hopelessness,
A toast risen to the collapse of the modern poet,
Surrounded by wreckless abandon and driven out by the fear of living,
The fear of not being enough,
The fear of being too much,
The fear of a little bit of everything,

Taken by the hand and shown true beauty, wiping tears away from the face that's too far exhausted to even make out in broad daylight,
A disaster,
A broken messiah picking gospels out of the hairs of broken hearts trying to mend,

I,
The soldier,
The commander,
We, they, us,
A figment of a wild imagination trying to thread the string of suicide together with the string of optimism, getting stuck on the pessimism catching the needle at every vice,

I will suffice,
I,
The soldier,
The commander,
Fighting a war with no winner,
Stopping to rest my head on the headstones of the forgotten,
Please do not forget about me when I am gone,
Paint my flowers golden and light a cigarette while doing so,
Lay them together on my grave, and, instead of a moment of silence, raise your lighter to my name and read to yourself quietly,

I,
The romantic,
The saddened,
The disaster,
The punk playing music so loud it vibrates your thoughts,
I, the remembered,
I will go out in flames just like how I showed up in flames,

You, try your best for me
I am not much, but trust me, I am worth it

Spiraling drastically in a kamikaze daydream,
Beatles crawling up my neck,
The needle crawling across a Beatles record,
They were your favorite,
For the record, I've never felt so hollow

I just need to let it go,
I just need to let it snow,
******* white, ghostly shadow,
Trust me, you'd never want to know,

Nothing without a struggle,
Everything with a broken backbone,
Hearing your voice for the first time in months was more comforting than anything,
You were so powerful, you could do anything

Good evening,
Miss Misery,
I've come knocking on your door again,
You were and always will be the only thing most comforting,

Like a broken record,
I miss you,
I miss you,
I miss you,

Cracks and creases hold no scars,
Foggy windows on cold winter nights hold no bars,
But what do I know?
All I am is chasing cars

You never ran me over,
You went right through me

You can't **** what's already dead,
In other words,
We didn't lasted long

Sleepy eyelids,
Fall into slumber,
Fall into the dark,
Fall into my arms,
Fall into my heart

You were so wonderful,
Everything about the way you were,
It was all so wonderful

As perfect as a spiderweb,
You worked so hard to build your spiderweb,
Pacing and repairing the wounds carefully, hoping maybe this time it would stay,
Hoping maybe this time he would stay

They never seemed to,
They were always mean, too,
You held your head high, but they always kept you so low,
Maybe it's better if we do this thing.. solo,
Maybe it's better this way,
Maybe it was better that I didn't stay,
I held you so high,
I swear I never would've let you slip, although it wasn't my time to get a grip,
It was known since the day I loved you,
This would never last and eventually I wouldn't even know you

This is the worst because I can still hear you,
I can still feel you,
Your long brown hair being twirled in my fingertips,
Your mouth, a loaded gun, pointed straight into mine,
When I go back in my mind, when I pull the trigger, all that comes out is flowers,
It's like all of this was made in the dirt of my mind to begin with,
A perfect angel, heaven sent, with a gown of gold and a crown of rose,
Nothing hurts,
Nothing hates you,

I can still see you, I can still look into your eyes,
I can still see that silly little grin you always made when we cracked stupid jokes at one another,
I can still see the tears falling helplessly from your eyes,
I can still feel your fast heartbeat, panicking whilst your body collapsed into mine,
They were always after you,
I hope they never caught up,
I tried my best to keep them occupied, I promise,
I will always love you, I promise
Nothing knows love like you do,
Nothing hates you

You packed your bags and left a letter in the back of my mind,
You never kissed me goodbye,
You left without even telling me,
It's been months, but I'm still too scared to open that letter,
I'm too scared to know why,
I'm too scared to understand,
I'd rather stay drugged up in your absence,
It's better for me this way,
It's better this way,
Maybe if I keep telling myself this, it'll make sense to me,
You never seemed to make sense to me,
Maybe that's why I was so in love with you,
Maybe I'm just rambling now, I'm just running circles around you,
The feeling is familiar; you always ran circles in my head
I could run circles for weeks, I would still feel nothing,
Nothing hates you

I haven't heard from you since back then,
Just know that I'd rather you be alive than dead,
I just hope, to you, I'm not dead

In the hole you left, there is nothing now,
Nothing hates you, but I cannot

Come to me when you're ready, I've been waiting so anxiously,
In this moment I'm nothing, but in this moment you feel like everything,
I stayed up until the sun pushed away the moon, I've been waiting so patiently,
I'm so ******* sick and I can't take a breath without coughing, but I can't blame it on you, you just take so much of my breath away, effortlessly,
I do this **** to myself purposely but I don't have a purpose, not for you, and definitely not for me,
I do all of this subconsciously, I'm a wreck, a ******* waste, but I'm trying my best, please come back to me,
I'll get better, for the both of us, I promise, I'll stop everything

I don't know what makes me more bitter, the fact that I'll never be able to get over it or the fact that I'll never get any ******* closure,
Or maybe I'm just bitter because of the way you lead me on, like you were something so ******* special, something not to be stepped on,
But I guess my body is a doormat, only a stepping stone for you in hopes you'll be able to find a home,
You'll never find yourself in anyone else so stop ******* trying, and for god's sake, just tell me you're going to hurt me next time so at least I'll be warned

I guess heartbreakers like you don't need a trigger warning,
I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, I know I'll do it to myself to find some kind of solace but I know you won't say goodbye in the morning and everything about it will be so ******* hurtful,
But I'll do it anyways, and knowingly, I'll grab a hold of you and pull your heartstrings just to hear the music and makeup some kind of false love to make all of this feel like it's purposeful,
But I know there's no purpose to this at all,
I'll break my own heart over this just to keep learning how to build stronger walls,
And I hate myself for that,
I hate that I feel so ******* small,
I hate this and I hate myself but I can't find anything in me that hates you and that's what hurts most of all,
You'll never be there for me but you keep coming back because you know I can't just watch you fall

*******, I don't need you, I just need cigarettes and alcohol and poetry and loud music and good friends and genuine lovers who'll take care of me until the end,
And I can't wait until I can fall asleep again,
It's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep and that's your fault,
So I'm writing this ****** poem for you while my mind feels gray and dull hoping that everything in my body just turns numb

I'm sorry I wasn't enough, but I'm not sorry about this poem,
I just hope these other people can love you like you want them to,
Just know that I won't be here when you come back, but I'd love to see it when it happens, I bet you're even more beautiful when you crawl

I guess this is what you get for breaking a poet's heart

June 1st, 1997
You come out in what feels like a blaze of glory,
There is what seems to be the sun above you,
There is what feels to be the ground beneath you,
Everything is loud and bright, and you're screaming as loud as you possibly can, because there is nothing that will stop you

October 20th, 2001
Your big sister asks you what you want to be for Halloween this year,
You exclaim loud and boldly, "Daddy!"
You see him as a hero,
A man that can do literally anything and everything,
You put your blanket on your back and run around, pretending that you are daddy and not even superman can stop you
You scream as loud as you can because there is nothing that will stop you

November 15th, 2003
You're used to mommy and daddy clapping at each other, but this time is different,
You hear mommy yelling at daddy,
You distinctly hear her scream, "Your children need you more than I do, please do this for them, at the very least!"
You see daddy walk out of the front door with a few bags in his hands,
She kept screaming it as loud as she could, but nothing could stop him

June 1st, 2010
Your father has been vacant from your life for years, and you've gotten passed the idea by now,
Your mother still cries herself to sleep,
The amount of times she told you that she'd never be able to find a man like your father almost outweighs the amount of times you wish you had the chance to see him again,
Maybe to say hello, or maybe to scream at him
No amount of screaming will stop someone, but it especially won't stop your father,
You know this,
He at least could come to see her when she's back in there,
When she's hooked up to all of those machines that are pumping her full of the life she didn't even want at that point because all of the life she once had was taken away when your father left,
I hope he's happy with her

May 22nd, 2012
Your mother is getting bad again and your father is too busy away on a honeymoon with the woman he left your mother for,
The doctors don't really have anything great to say, other than, "We're doing the best we can, we know she'll beat it, we just know it."

January 18th, 2014
Your father hasn't talked to your mother since her first hospital visit,
Your mother is in stage 4 of cancer, and no amount of screaming will make your father come back, and no amount of screaming will stop the cancer from taking what little is left of your mother

June 1st, 2016
This is your first birthday without your mother,
You're hanging pictures of her in your new apartment,
Your father calls you, but no amount of screaming at him will make you feel justified,
This is not his fault, but the least he could've done was be there for his children, you never needed him as much as your mother did, but he still could've at least been there

September 30th, 2016
You wake up in what feels like a blaze of glory,
The sun is above you,
The ground is beneath you,
Your father calls,
He asks if you want to get breakfast,

He spends the next hour and a half screaming to you about how sorry he is, about how it was his fault, that he should've been there when you all needed him,
But no amount of screaming will change this

No amount of screaming has ever stopped anything

Snap necked seraphim
Poltergeist afterlife
The difference between seeing and believing
The difference between knowing and understanding
The difference between wanting to know and wanting to understand
The beatniks and their denim
Our fears and how we treat them
Heartbreak and soaking it all in
Love and blowing it all out
******* it all in and pretending it doesn't hurt
Letting it all out and letting everyone know it ******* hurts

A lot

Spraying perfume on plastic flowers to make sure no one knows they are fake
Spraying perfume on yourself to make sure know one knows you are fake
Beauty supreme, yeah they were right about you
Kissing the lips of destruction to get a taste of what living feels like
A bystander to your own existence, choking and gasping on what little tangible feeling you have left
From the way that you acted to the way that I felt it, from the way that I acted to the way that you didn't feel any of it
You lucky *******
I'm miserable and you haven't noticed, nothing new there
I wish I couldn't miss you, I wish I didn't see you at all

If I die, I will die a martyr
If I die, I want these words to soak into your veins instead of the alcohol and nicotine
I want to be the only thing you feel
I was always selfish, I might as well embrace it

Invest,
Reinvent,
Pull back,
Pull back,
Pull back,

Unzip the baggy of needles and inject yourself with sunshine,
Steal the knives out of the backs of your enemies and put them in your collection of memories you aren't too fond of but need to have so you stay grounded,
Stay grounded,
Laying on the floor dripping in blood, fighting your own head to understand why you feel like this

I love you so much that it hurts my head,
I let the bad parts in, I forget the good parts exist,
It's hard to exist when you're in a fistfight with your bedroom walls, like you're fighting something that will never fight back,
I'm fighting for you and you will never fight back, but I cannot stop,
I must fight and fight and fight until my knuckles are numb, I will drown for you,
I will climb every tree to reach for you,
I will dig deep into the graves of your worst fears to fight off the demons that haunt you,
I just wish you did the same for me

All of this is a grieving process,
In the sense that I am dying for everything and everything is looking at me and never talking to me,
Never giving me the attention,
Never giving me the satisfaction I so desperately need,
I cannot function,

I AM LIVING, I AM LOVING
I AM LIVING, I AM LOVING
I AM LIVING, I AM LOVING

I am INSEPARABLE
WHY AM I LIKE THIS
Why do I worry,
Why do I care,
WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK

It hurts to have to be honest with the ones that you love,
It hurts to give and not receive,
It hurts to look at you,
It hurts to feel like this,

Everything is hurting all of the time and everything is looking at me and everything is laughing and everything is spitting at my face

I just want to believe
I just want to see you fight
I just want you to want me, *******, is that so hard to ask

There is a full moon out tonight and all of the ghosts inside of us are freeing themselves to fight the battles they weren’t allowed when they were alive,
One time I set my house on fire just to see how long it’d take me to get out,
But I lie awake in bed and refuse escape,
I guess we all have our flaws,
Sometimes they’re better off asleep than awake,
Sometimes it’s better to keep it all inside than say anything at all,
I often wonder why it took me so long

I often wonder how long it’ll take me to bleed,
Will I be the one with the knife or will it be someone else’s blame?
I can’t really say, I can’t really say anything at all

I’ll lay awake in this bed and light the candles to my own funeral,
These thoughts seem to have been dead for centuries,
When it comes to having faults, I’ve been on a roll for days,
It’s safe to say

It’s safe to say, really,
You’re protected here,
You can cry all you want to, no one will ever hear you,
Sink and swim up and down the river,
Head in and under water,
I’ll write these hymns until my lungs are filled with the river

I’ll sing these songs until my breaths are muffled with the fire,
Write these hymns, sing these songs into the fire,
Cut all of the wires,
Slash all of the tires,
We don’t want to go anywhere at all,
We’re going to miss the party

At the bottom of the ocean and in the pit of the fire,
We don’t want to miss the party

Let us never miss a party

Stressed mother to overwhelmed son,
“You look really tired today”

Overwhelmed son to stressed mother,
“I just haven’t been able to sleep well lately, but I am okay”

Empty beer bottle to overwhelmed son’s mouth,
You will drink me until you cannot feel anything else,
Cigarette ad to overwhelmed son,
It would be so easy for you to love my smoke again,
Overwhelmed son,
“I will get through this, even if it kills me one day”

Overworked father to overwhelmed son,
“You haven’t left your bed besides work, and even when you come home, the first thing you do is go to bed, and I am worried about you”

Overwhelmed son to overworked father,
“I just haven’t been able to sleep well lately, but I am okay”

I just haven’t been able to sleep well lately,
But I am okay

Education to overwhelmed son,
Your debt is heavier than the world and you will be paying for the things you haven’t learned for the rest of your life,
Overwhelmed son,
Everything is as heavy as the world, and I will break and get crushed until my body is sand on the beaches of the oceans I’ll never get the chance to visit

When I was 5 years old I visited Disney World, and the fireworks there burned brighter than anything I had ever seen before,
When I was 16 years old, I was burning bridges and cigarettes until I could no longer cross relationships and friendships and no amount of nicotine could make my lungs happy enough

But I will slip, and I will still burn, and I will never learn how to swim, and my lungs stopped knowing happiness when I breathed in anxiety and exhaled depression,
When I stopped breathing in oxygen and replaced it with fire, when I stopped exhaling full breaths and started exhaling as little as I could,
I don’t want to pass out, I want to keep as much as I can because I know I will never get it back  

And I will be alone in this because I have forgotten how to trust,
And I will live like this until I can no longer trust myself

Overwhelmed son to worried mother and father,
“I just haven’t been able to sleep well lately, but I am okay”

*I just haven’t been able to sleep well lately, but I am okay

I’ve spent the last 21 years of my life recording my eulogy into blank CDs,
and when my funeral becomes sold out, throw all of the money into my casket so I’ll have bus fare to make it back from hell,
And maybe put the pastors microphone next to my mouth at the viewing, just so I can get the last word in, I’ve always been that way

Project your favorite memories of us onto my body, just so I can feel something before you leave,
It’s a cold and lonely bed tonight, but someone told me to leave the windows cracked,
Someone told me to leave the blinds all drawn, We don’t want to see out and they don’t want to see in,
But that doesn’t make a difference where we’re going

All we have are these words, so let’s make them *****, pretty, broken, beautiful,
All we have is each other, so let’s kiss like we’ve never felt lips on our lips before,
Move your fingers down my neck like you’re playing a guitar and make my mouth sing out the chords you never learned

Yeah, I could say I’m pretty lost right now,
I couldn’t tell you on a map where my heart is anymore, it’s kind of all over the place,
Hopefully most of it is in the Ohio river where I left it, right under the bridge,
Next to hundreds of butts of cigarettes and the tears I cried out at 18, we were all so young once, I’ll never understand what happened

In my dreams, I crash my car every night,
Just to see what it would really feel like to fly out of here,
I’m not quite dead yet, but I swear when I wake up in the mornings, I can feel the wings on my back

And every night when we fall sleep, I become tangled in her hair, and when we perform the death dance, I am like Jesus in a temple, and we are silent as sleep,
I promised her I would kiss her bones until they were no longer broken,
I would teach my brain to move like a puppet, without strings attached

I will continue to hurt until I can no longer mend,
And I will continue to ignore God’s voicemails until my inbox is full,
And I will live like this until I no longer can

I will fill my voids with every form of destruction
I will inject my brain with everything that feels good, regardless of the fact that it never ends well

Much like our broken love, I have forgotten the true meaning of honesty

Honestly, the way you took my hand and ran with me felt so refreshing
I wanted all of it
I wanted to be enveloped

It wasn't until the night I saw you with him that I had felt such a strong sense of defeat

The way his hand was wrapped around yours, I knew he was running with you

Two years later and a few more pieces shattered, my legs are broken and my hands no longer are able to grip as hard as they could when I was with you

My tired bones and my rusty joints ache at the memory of running with you

We can take over the world! You used to say

This is not me crying because of you,
and this is not my pity party
I am not wearing a party hat and there is no confetti

There is a pile of fuming bones and there is a race I no longer have the chance to win

When you left me, I was so fragile
However, here I am today
I am stronger then ever
and I am winning my own race

It’s 6:47am on a Monday morning on I-71 south towards Cincinnati and I’m driving in the middle lane entirely surrounded by semis and service trucks and out of nowhere, like it was some miracle act of God, it starts pouring down rain so hard that all of the traffic stops in the height of morning rush hour, everyone’s radios playing morning talk shows so loud it vibrates the ground our tires are on and everyone’s coffees move back into their hands from their cup holders, I guess we’re all just trying to wait it out right now

I guess I have no choice but to wait it out right now, he says, hoodie wrinkled, two all nighter’s deep and still no passing grade, standing outside of the campus Starbucks, as it’s pouring down rain

I guess we’ll have to wait it out, says my sister to an 8 year old me, as I wait on the curb of our neighborhood for the ice cream truck, no matter how disfigured the spongebob popsicle’s face looks by the time I get it in my hands, and no matter the fact that I never understood that his eyes were bubblegum

I guess I have to wait it out, my father says, watching my grandmother lying in her hospital bed, getting tests taken for her potentially and what would be proven deadly, lung cancer,
Her eyes glossed over and her lips still yearning for the pull of her usual afternoon pack of cigarettes

You just have to wait it out, says my grandpa, standing next to me in his garden, after having helped me plant my first tomato seeds,
The summer has felt like forever at 10 years old, I wish it stayed that way, and I wish I liked tomatoes

I guess we just have to wait it out now, the head of police says to his crew of swat members, after having everything fail towards coaxing a young high school boy out of his boarded up bedroom, the shotgun he killed his ex girlfriend with, still in his arms

Well, we’re just going to have to wait it out,
I think to myself as I sit in this traffic at what is now exactly 7am on a rainy Monday morning in the middle lane of I-71 south towards Cincinnati, entirely surrounded by semis and service trucks

The rain will stop eventually

Victim victim,
Red ***, red ***,
Send hatred right over,
I set my eyes on fire and cry to put them out,
I tore my bible apart and laid down on the pages in hopes my demons would spill out,
I kissed death on the lips and made love with her body,
It felt good

There's something so liberating about watching the toxins run dry,
I didn't wanna tell you this, but the apologies sounded more like hymns than they did tragedies, and,
The look you gave me was ******* crazy and I knew right then and there that there wasn't gonna be a ******* thing in this world that could rip you out of me, and I think I like that,
It gives me something to feel emotional about,
Feel sentimental about,
Something about cyanide makes it taste better on the way back up than it does going down,
What happens when the hero becomes the heroine? I'd **** a man with my bare hands if given the chance, and after that I'd teach his corpse to dance like the needles in his veins

You got me feeling off white,
No lights,
Can't see, in my feelings deeper than the Dead Sea,
I've been so ******* blue, see,
Heartbreaker, please, come along and ruin me,
Lungs black, too filled up with smoke to breathe,
Been knocking on the door for forever now because I lost the key

We didn't say **** to each other for minutes, maybe hours,
I don't remember,
Not that it even matters,

I count the tulips in my head until I fall asleep and your face is all that I see,
Two lips, two fists, twisted, intertwined in one another, and I'm not giving anything up until I have to,
You ****** the blood out of my neck like Nosferatu and the stream felt like a million waterfalls and nothing feels real anymore

I carried the weight of the world and then some, your body felt like a backpack and sometimes I wish I had a bullet big enough to **** the sun

Red rover, red rover,
Send recklessness right over,
High off the adrenaline but I know I'll crash too soon to even give a ****,
This knife felt better going in because at least then I didn't know it even existed, back before it all happened it seemed like I had such better luck

Tummy tuck, semi truck, run me over, slice me open,
You were gone by the time I'd woken,
But there was something about you and that night that felt so golden

I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to the way I was, when everything felt normal and I was normal, but here's to hoping