Here is where I find us
When I've had a few too many
Tossed back with no abandon in an attempt
Desperately
To wash you away

Here is where I find you
Feeble drunken fumbling endeavors
In bed with someone whose name I can't recall
Fruitlessly
Hoping to forget

Here is where I find me
Head pounding as gray daylight pours in
Through my clouded mind
Regretfully
Knowing you'll remain

A charred frame
of something
that may have never
**existed

I'm always reminded of a dream that I never had
Where I'm reading a story that I never got to write
To a girl I always wanted to kiss, but didn't
When I take her to a place of vast personal importance that I never found
Where I wrote down something that I never felt
About something I experienced, something divinely beautiful, that I can't remember
For some reason

Do you think God can control the waterfall?
Can he stop it from rolling over that cliff and shattering into millions of pieces on the rocks below?
Everything's moving so fast
That push it needed
Can't be taken back

But then again God created the waterfall
I didn't create this
Maybe that means I have even less of control

God didn't create factories
Plastic

God is blissful
Possibly because he doesn't try to control the dying nebulas
He could do it
He just doesn't feel the need to
For some reason
The tsunamis crashed
They just had to
It had it's reasons
Or He did
Anyway

Maybe I could be blissful
Just let go
My heart tells me
And I want to
I resent every having grabbed it

Mother, Father
Why am I whipped
I can't lose anymore blood
I won't
I refuse to anymore
If I let you
I won't survive
And I'll hate you for it
Why do you want me to inherit your scars?

I didn't start it
It's not my fault
I tried
I really did
You never did, though
I won't ever feel guilty for that again
You brought this upon yourselves
But that wasn't enough
You felt that we should lose ourselves too

The ship's sinking
I'm leaving
Don't ever doubt that I would give my life for you
But what good would it be if you plan to set the house on fire, anyway?

I love you
Both
I'll miss you
But the sun's up there
Above the trees
I might even have to go scale the mountains
Head straight to the ocean
Someone else will probably be heading the same way too
I'll ask her to come with me
She'll say yes
When we get there
We'll wait for you

I'll tell her about both of you
The house where I lived
My heights are marked along the doorframe
My teeth lost in jars, somewhere
Our smiles caught on film
One day if we ever find it
I'll show them to her

The path we long ago made from the forest
Hasn't been crossed in years
The dust and dirt that formed it
Have been grown over by grass

I talked to the bears
You'll pass peacefully

The monkeys
Will show you the way

The wolves
They'll take you food for the long journey

They tell me there's nothing out of the usual with the forest
No one coming this way
It's a shame
I miss the both of you

Her and I
We're building our own family
We gave them unused names
They deserve to be themselves

We talk about you quite a bit
I even tell them stories, somtimes

In the morning
We eat
At noon
We swim
In the afternoon
We walk down the beach
And in the evening
We eat again and play hide-and-go-seek
Then we put them to bed
And me and her walk down the beach
It's beautiful, I wish you could see it
There's one point where the water's still
And the moon reflects perfectly on it
Then we go back
We fall asleep

And we happen to wake up
Usually when the sun's rising
The way the sky is yellow
It reminds me of you waking me up
Mother

And at times
When we go to bed
Early
The sun'll be setting
And the way the sky is a bit purple
It reminds me of you putting me into bed
Father

The other day I was thinking about why I liked both of them so much
And I figured I'd write it down
Then, if you ever got here someday
I'd remember to show you what makes me cry
It's something only she knows about

Don't worry
Though
I'll see you soon
Someday

To you, dear you,
I can't see past my rage.
I saw you, I knew you, I loved you.
Every flaw I took in stride, took it as a part
of the whole of your incredible being.
You knew. You knew how I loved you.
I hung on to your every word,
I smiled at your eyes.
How useful it was
for you to have me at your disposal,
your human diary, a figment of your imagination.
A conversation with yourself.
A malicious game, far from the search
for authenticity which you claimed as your quest.
You want authentic, here I am.
Not enough of a chase is it?
And you say you are real.
Is my face not perfect enough
for your scrutinizing eyes?
Does my body not fling itself
willingly enough at your gaze?
To you, dear you,
*******.