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Rhianna Powell Nov 2017
December 25
Lonely

November 12
“There goes the love of my life.”

October 16
Leaving: the process begins

September 15
Falling for the heartless

August 23
First time

July 22
Oblivious

I should have stayed in June.
Rhianna Powell Oct 2017
It is not the end to the suffering, it is the beginning of a new kind.
Rhianna Powell Oct 2017
The day after you called and told me you wanted to stop seeing me, I sat alone in a Barnes & Noble. I was exhausted from the night before spent lying, screeching on the floor. I sat alone there trying to convince myself that if I could just do my work, I’d stop thinking about you. I used to like thinking about you. It used to make me smile. Now, I think of how it all was just a lie and now I sit alone at Barnes & Noble wondering just how stupid I am. I am sitting for awhile, fighting the sleep that begs to consume my eyes. I sit and I notice the people: a woman tutoring on the other side of the pole, a young black woman viciously eating a spinach croissant while flipping through three different books all at once, and finally a man sitting to my left, with a single coffee cup and a book in hand. This man has been glancing my way for the past 20 minutes. I am trying to stay awake and I am trying not think. I do not want to think about what this man is thinking of me. I do not want to think because then I will think of you. Soon he leaves and I feel a breath of fresh air wash over me. I am sitting alone and I am no longer being watched. Five minutes goes by and that man sits down at the chair opposite my table. I look up and he begins.

“I’m sorry to bother you. My name is Jake.”

“My name is Rhianna, nice to meet you.”

“Again, I’m sorry to bother you but I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner.”

Look, I’ve never known how to handle these situations. What do you say to someone you don’t even know who wants to take you out? How does someone you just met want to take you out more than the person you have spent so much of your time on?

“What..how… how are you?”

“Me? I’m good.”

“How old are you?”

“24..”

Ouch. Wait, that’s how old my, uh, not ex-boyfriend is. Hold your ******* tongue, dude.

“How old are you?”

“I’m 18.” He ***** in air hard.

“Do you go to UNCW?”

“Yes.”

“What are you studying?”
The conversation continues, and he puts his number in my phone: Jake. Not even a last name. Dinner? Yeah, we’ll see. He gets up to go.

“Again, I’m sorry to bother you.”

“Yeah, no worries. Thank you.”

He leaves. Here I am, in a Barnes & Noble. Tears dripping down my face as this man walks away. It’s not his fault. So why am I sad? Was it the way he made me feel? The way he said my name? The way it wasn’t you? I wanted to call you. I wanted you to tell me you were gonna beat his *** if he came back. I wanted you to make me laugh. I wanted you to make me feel better. I wanted you to walk around the bookshelf and scoop me up like you did the night on the beach.

I’m sitting in Barnes and Noble, getting hit on by random strangers. Their interest mocking me, reminding me of your absence.

I guess they’ll have to do.
Rhianna Powell Oct 2017
As a technologically advanced human race, we have still only studied about 5% of the earth’s oceans. There are still 2/3 unknown marine life. Every day there are people exploring the ocean, yet we have not reached the deepest point in the oceans. Every day the waves crash against the shore, but what lies within remains a mystery. The first time I fell in love, it was the day I ran across the hot sand, through the heavy air, straight into the salty, raging mass at the edge of my world. I knew that we did know a lot about the oceans, but what I did know was the way I felt. To stand in something so much greater than myself is a powerful thing. I felt small and weak but she was kind. My clothes stuck to my skin and my hair plastered against my neck and forehead. I feared her as the sun hid his face behind the clouds, and the sky grew dark. She was having a bad day, and I did not know why. She grew even stronger as I stood on the shore, not wanting to leave her side. My mother forced me back into the hotel we were staying in. My heart sank as I saw the rain poor onto the asphalt. I had left my love at her low. I knew she was dangerous to man. The ocean is relentless. Her currents increase when she feels like it, and I could get ****** under if I stayed out there. Every year at least 100 people die from drowning in rip currents. Of course, my mom could never have that.

I was torn. My love was unrequited. What she taught me was something I didn’t understand until years later. She showed me that I did not need to travel to the coast of the land to find her. For she lives in everyone around me. I am falling in love every day, with the eyes the color of the ocean. The soft hands like waves caressing the shore. I see anger in the mouth of a lover, rage like a hurricane. My heart shatters the way she devours the boats, swallowing them whole. These people I love are oceans of their own. Their depths have never been reached by a single human being. Every year, they consume the hearts of those around them. Sometimes they are recovered, never the same of course, but sometimes they are left to lie unseen on the ocean floor forever. These people leave their scent clinging to the hairs on my arms the way her salt is left all day after a swim in the morning. It is not their fault that they break my heart, it is not their fault that I loved the ocean first.

I fell in love on a Thursday afternoon. He had dark hair and eyes the color of my first love. I never thought about how bad it would hurt when his storm came. He consumed me entirely, then his waves receded and my toes were left to dry on the shore. That Thursday, the sun shone so brightly as we laid on the couch. Weeks later, he took me home with only the words, “This *****.” No one ever said the ocean was poetic. The scent of his salt took me home.

As our silent goodbyes were exchanged that cool Sunday night. I could not stop thinking about her, my first love. I prayed to God as the tears rolled down my hot, red cheeks. I thanked her in my mind for preparing me for this, for this gut wrenching heart break. I stepped away from the truck. I clenched my fists, and I knew the love. I knew the pain already. This was familiar. His scent, home. Now I was in a place of fear. The fear she had showed me. The ocean is relentless, and so was he. The ocean’s currents take over 100 lives a year in the US alone. I was drowning in his space, but I made it out. I will not be a part of that number. I am not a number, and you cannot build a home out of the ocean.
Rhianna Powell Oct 2017
We learn about exothermic reactions the day after you take me home. We have been spending so much time together. We lay in bed and we sleep and we hold each other. I kiss your hand on the ride home and you smile at me. I wonder how much heat we have given up, in every encounter our bodies have made. Every time our lips touch, the heat rises between us and I can feel your breathing quicken. You’ll grab onto me and the heat goes up. I wonder as our bodies move and you kiss my neck, how much heat? Your hand moves across my skin desperate for my love, with friction always comes heat. The heat. The amount of heat between us- we could have started a million fires. I am still burning. Your fingers leave trails of ash on my flesh. Your scent stains my face and I cannot breathe from the smoke rising between us. Your eyes glow like embers and the passion increases. Your mouth kissing me desperately trying to keep it alive. Honey, what you don't know is that you don't need to try. It is there and I am here and I am looking at you. I feel the heat, I will not shake with you for you are my fire glowing in the night and I have found my way back home again.
Rhianna Powell Oct 2017
College in the sun is a lot like middle school. Everyone is walking around screaming at each other drenching their skin in perfumes that they think smell good but they mix with their sweat and it forms a sort of nauseating scent that lingers in the halls longer after their group has gone. Together everyone walks, college is lonely. Passing by faces you see around lecture, everyone running in a million different directions. The athletes wear short shorts and keep hard looks on their faces. The frat guys play obnoxious beats as they rap their own songs marching with their gang of pledges in their entirely too-hot-for-the-90-degree-weather suit jackets. Their beady eyes devour you, or they won’t even glance in your direction- it usually depends on how many items of clothing you have on, or lack thereof. College is weird. For some reason I thought maybe everyone would magically be more mature. Maybe they would all turn into good people because we are all adults now right? Guess who was wrong! Nice good ok. So they might have more ****** hair and maybe their muscles are bigger than before, but most of them haven’t grown up. Every phase change of my life, I have expected to see a difference in the behavior of the people around me… not yet has it happened. I am starting to think maybe I am asking too much of the world. Maybe my idea of good is distorted, maybe I am the crazy one. But what is so hard about being kind and what is wrong with telling someone you are in love with them? Why are we living in the dark places of our minds and why can we not escape? Why are we hiding in the liquor, why is near death not enough? Why can you not sleep without your drugs? Why have we become so dependent? I have dreams nightly when I am not in your arms. They haunt me in the sunlight on a clear blue sky day. The terrors seize me and I am forced to stop in the middle. I see their eyes on me. Is she okay?? I wish I didn’t feel so alien. I wish I could just fit in. But you told me I wasn’t like them, and you said that was good for you. But here I am and you need your space and here I am drowning in your space and there you are drinking your beer and here I am wishing that can was my neck there you are crumpling it as you finish yet another and here I am begging to be destroyed there you are: calm, content, emotionless. Here I am, begging for sleep to take me, praying to God that your arms find their way back around my waist. There you are with everything you need: an ending to assure you that all you need is to be alone. A final goodbye so you can keep yourself safe. But here I am saying **** safety, can you kiss me? I need you to stay. Please don’t take me home, i won’t be able to sleep without you. Please don’t do this. I am sorry I am crying. Please don’t do this. Honey… please.. I nee

And when you find me again I will be okay, and you will tell me it was all just a big mistake. I was never a mistake.

I’m sorry I’m not talking to you. I am giving you space.

I am drowning in your space.

I don’t want to feel like this.

Maybe you should just take me home.

I’m sorry...

I’m sor


But maybe it’s not even that deep and I'm just freaking out for no reason but I don’t know how to feel inside of me You’ve gotten all in there and everything's mixed up and i’m uncomfortable but you’re the one who asked for space and you said i wouldn’t understand and you’re right i don’t but every one before you I said this one is gonna hurt like hell when I’m done but it’s never been this and maybe it isn’t even over but maybe it should be because I cannot keep the tears from rolling down my red ******* cheeks and all I can think about is kissing your neck and i don’t wanna go home i want to be wrapped up in your sheets and I want to feel the rise and fall of your chest on my back and i want your hands to grip mine as you fall asleep in spurts and I don’t want to go home please do not take me home I want to live in the moment by the pool with the sun streaming through the trees a sky so blue you confuse it for my eyes please don’t take me home you said it’s more passionate how can you throw that away i am not convincing you i swear but i think you love me and you hate to admit it and maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m crazy but i want you to stay please don’t take me home maybe it isn’t that deep I am giving you your space i miss you i am drowning in your space please don't take me home i don't know what i did wrong im sorry im sad maybe i should take medication i don't know how to live in that place i am so sorry i am trying maybe the conversation was bad please don't take me home i cannot sleep in the cold without you but maybe it isn't that deep i am sorry please don't take me home i cannot sleep without you please don't take me home please but i will give you your space but i wish your space could have me i am drowning out here baby please don't take me home i want to go home but i need you to come with me because if i leave i will not come back and i can't hurt you like that but i know this is what you want and i am so very sad honey please don't take your space please don't i need to be there with you i am so sorry baby I never meant to act like this please don't take me home i swear i’ll behave please i need you i can't stand the cold you know how the dreams are you know i shake in the dark please don't take me home i can't go home i don't want to go home please they are going to get me they will get me they know when I’m like this they want to ruin me please don't leave me in the dark i cannot sleep without you please do not go I have faith i don't want to hurt you please let me hold you i need you come back please don't leave please please it hurts i cannot breathe please come back i want to call you please i don't love you it's not that deep please come back i need you

I am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you what you want i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you the space i will give you the space this is me giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you the space you want it i am giving it to you to you to you to you to you i am giving you space i am sorry i am giving you space i wish i could talk to you i am giving you space don't worry i am fine i am giving you space i am giving you space i am sorry i am giving you space i am giving you what you want i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am so sorry i am giving you space i am sorry i am sorry i am giving you space i miss you i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space and i am giving you space i am giving you space and if i give enough maybe i can get far enough away i am giving you space maybe if i keep giving you more space you'll forget me i am giving you space and you'll never have to be confused again i am giving you space is this enough i am giving you space i'll keep giving you space i'll give you whatever you want baby you deserve it all i am giving you space and space and space and space and space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving space you space you the space you need i am giving you what you want i am giving you space take me home i will let you have all of this space i'll be in ohio soon and all of the space between us will be yours and i hope it's enough because i am giving you all of my spaces and now there is no room for me to breathe i am giving you space honey i am giving it to you giving it to you honey i am giving you the space i am giving it to you i am handing it to you i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving it to you i am giving you space i don't know where to go i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i won't sleep but you will in this space and i hope it feels good i am sorry that i got so close to you that you couldn't breathe i am giving you space now and i hope it feels good i am giving you space you wanted this i am giving it to you i am giving you space i am sorry i hope this feels good i am giving you space my words are coming i miss you i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am not selfish i am giving you space i will drown before you i am giving you space i am giving you space here please take it honey i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space you want i am giving i will keep giving i am giving you space i am so sorry i wasn't enough i am giving you space i want you to be okay i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i hope you're okay i am giving you space are you okay? I am giving you space i am cold in this space leave me here i am giving you space it is freezing i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i might choke we are very far i am giving you space i wish you would tell me to stop but i know you need your space please come back i am giving you your space i am sorry stay there i am giving you your space i am giving it to you i am sorry what day did you leave? I am sorry i am giving you space i don't think i will come back i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you to space i am tired baby i am tired of giving you space i am tired of this please just come back tell me i can stop i don't want to give you space i want to be right next to you please will you hold my hand? Wait i am giving you space i am sorry i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving it to you i am giving it to you i am giving you space i am giving it to you i am giving it to you i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am uncomfortable i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving yo
Rhianna Powell Sep 2017
Forgive you, for the pain you caused. Forget all of the words to my brother’s ex girlfriend’s favorite song. Be patient. Appreciate the separation of a family, because there is beauty in the broken. Accept that I am not always right (I am not always right). Stop getting angry at people for the way that they are. Memorize ALL of my basic multiplication facts (sorry Dad). Remember the way I feel on a warm, fall day before it slips away, so that I can take it with me anywhere. Be calm (when necessary). Stop letting the actions of others dictate my own. Join a book club, and read all of the books. Write consistently, every day, in a journal, until it is full of myself. Stop being afraid of the emotion that lives inside of me. Let my nightmares go, focus on my dreams. Become a doctor and save some lives. Talk to my dad more, I know he misses me. Give up my tootsie-pop addiction. Forgive my brother for his addiction, and let go of the hurt he has brought. Assume that everyone is good until they prove not.  Memorize the way my mom speaks softly to my friends. Do not let my fish die. Run from the constraints and do not turn around. Share my favorite songs with the world. Laugh when I do not want to. Never forget where home is, no matter how far I go.
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