What does it feel like to watch the person you love marry another?
What must that pain feel like?
Is it sharp in your gut?
Does it make your head spin like the wine does?
Does your vision blur at the thought of her lips on another's?
Does your chest hurt?
From the lack of home she had once built inside of you?
As she walks away, do you call after her?
Do you feel selfish now?
Is this really for the best?
Whose best is this anyways?
Yours or Mine?
Does the time linger on each second?

Distractions diminish,
all that is left are the parts she did not take.

The lights of the city beneath you have never been such a disturbamce. You knew the way she loved them. The light spilled through the window of your apartment bedroom, and you remember seeing her reach toward the wall and lay her palm there, as if she was trying to capture the light to keep for her own.

You used to feel her sit up in the middle of the night to watch the city below. You watched her as she dreamed of the outside world, all of the unkown to her. You never imaged she would run away from the warmth of your twin size mattress toward the light and uncertainty of a city that consumed her.

She must be lost- but now you lie in wait at night, willing her to knock on your door. You have never slept with the door left unlocked, but that is because you do not sleep anymore. Your mind is filled with images and sounds of her- her smile. her laugh. the way her body melted into yours. her lips never intruding, they were always so familiar, since the very beginning.

She used to tell you that you reminded her of wine. What does that even mean? You bought her pizza and did not hold her hand. She wanted to dnace with you and you ignored her. Now she has slipped away.

You argued about politics and dreams and the environment, but it was never anger. It was always two people arguing, not to hurt the other but to express themselves. You pulled her to you. Your hands pushed firmly on her. The strength you had never used for violence, just to hold on to her as if she would fly away. Your arms wrapped around her and she would smile. Her body fit in your lap, as you watched her fall back.

You told her you could not love, but there you are wishing you would have begged her to stay. "Where did you go? Why did you leave me?" I know. I know why. This is who I am and I am so sorry, baby. I am scared of the pain, baby. I am not like you, baby. You have been so hurt but yet you still love unconditionally. Why do you love me? Why do you want me to hurt you? Why did you come here? Why did you leave? I cannot keep you but I need you. I need your hands like I need to breathe. The first night you stayed, I was drunk, but I knew I was going to love you. I played a game because I knew I needed you. I saw a fire in you that I have yet to find anywhere else. The warmth that lives inside of you could never be smothered. The light you brought to me was visible. It was raining and I so badly wanted to kiss you. It was hot. I said I was sorry. I should have never made you wait. You stayed anyway. Why did you do that, baby? Why did you then? Why didn't you now? I miss you. Please, come home. I miss you. I am waiting for you to come back home."

"How do we beat it?" His eyes begged for a real answer, but he laughed when I stuttered a response.
"It is fleeting, but we do not beat it." I replied.
Why do we work at it if we know we cannot beat it?
We cannot stop, we cannot give up. We have recognized the fight, the endless fight, and the end is always distant in our fleshy eyes, but hope fills us & faith in God.
It fills us until we can hold nothing but the grace of God.
That is the answer.
"How do we beat it?"
"We don't. He does"

This place has become so familiar, yet it has never felt comfortable. I'm being watched and not even my insides can turn unseen. I've been here, I've stood here, and I'm terrified. I cannot close my eyes for fear that the faces will follow me into what is supposed to be my escape. I cannot escape. I cannot escape myself.

look
ill drink and ill drink
until his hands no longer feel like his
and his face is him no more
i will feel him against me and i will grit my teeth
and shut my eyes and whisper to myself that it is you
ill keep drinking
until i open my eyes and its your eyes i see
he looks at me and he touches me
but i cannot feel the same
i want to be ok
but my insides are frozen
no amount of warmth from this stranger can melt the hurt you left in your wake
i trusted you
he wants me
i cant have you
so ill drink
and ill drink
until i cannot open my eyes
to see who is loving me now

i used to spend my time on you. talking to you, laughing with you, kissing you, laying with you, thinking about you. i used to wonder what it would be like if you ever left, i never could imagine the pain completely. it was just something i had never experienced, never desired to know. but i swear, the hole inside of me feels more empty than anything the world knows. the weather is getting warmer, but the cold lives within me now that youve gone. youve left nothing but the words you used to tell me. a hopelessness that i cling to, trying to reassure myself youll come back. or that i will soon wake up, but i never do.

i want your warmth in my bed, but i want your warmth in my heart
i need your hands on my lungs, gently running your fingers over the ridges
feel my stomach, trace my veins
******* soul
eat my insides
devour me whole
please dont pick and choose
for some of me is none of me
for you, i need it all

Scribble the words; don't be afraid of them they bring emotion that is begging to be felt, just as you are begging for his touch. Do not show up when you know being there will only make you cry. But do not be afraid to feel. That's why life is so beautiful: everything deserves to be felt. That's how life goes. When you are awake at 3am screaming in your room, burning the candles that you got from the festival, listening to the saddest song your heart has ever felt, do not be afraid. This is how it's supposed to be and when the thought that everything will be okay flashes across your mind like an island in the middle of the vast oceans, swim to it. It is not a mirage, it is not your imagination playing tricks again, it is not the drugs that you never took,. It's as real as the pain in your stomach. Swim to it and do not stop even when it seems you are getting no closer, darling, you are almost there. Don't lose sight. Do not remember the way he said your name or the way his words held you on the surface of yourself. You were made To go deep. Drown in yourself. Don't be afraid of that, because even when you drown, you are saved. He is calling you, He is guiding you young child. Do you not remember He who placed that island just far enough to make you appreciate the journey when you arrive on that shore completely exhausted but just in time to see the most breathtaking sunset your human eyes have ever seen? **** it open those eyes. They are there for a reason! I said, do not be afraid! For why are you afraid of living if you are not terrified of dying? You are on the tight path, keep going. Breathe. Don't be scared. He is holding you. He is holding your hand. Breathe. Listen to the voice saying "it will be okay" because in two days, it will not matter how swollen your eyes were, they still took my breath away in the moonlight. So perfect, standing there listening to yourself for the first time, hearing the words "I love my life" escape from your lips. Could it be? The first time? Even if you are unsure, you mean it because there is nothing perfect about someone that feels absolutely nothing and my God, you are perfect and I know you feel so much more than words could ever say. So, be in love with all of the emotions, the feelings, the heat of the anger, but yet the warmth of your breath as you shout "come back to me, I'm drowning in the middle of the street, staring at the moon so bright. Why can't you be there? Don't worry, don't fear. His eyes are on you and you should stop swimming up stream, lie on your back, watch the galaxies revolve around you in that moment. Time is nonexistent. It's made up. It's a figment of your imagination. Do not watch it tick away. Watch the stars, breathe, do not fear drowning... You know how to swim.