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Cc Oct 2021
I’m alone no matter what I do
But god, it’s nice to be alone and in love with you
143 · Dec 2021
Copy cat
Cc Dec 2021
I have lost sight of the person you long for me to be
All I do now is imitate her every move
In the hopes you will not notice
I will never be enough
139 · May 2022
Occupational hazard
Cc May 2022
Well look at us all
On this little page
Aren’t we pretentious
Playing god as if our words will last any longer than the press of a refresh button
Cc Oct 2021
Every mile I drive away from you
It feels like another chance
125 · Aug 2020
masks and facades
Cc Aug 2020
i've found a safe place in your vulnerability

a place where I don't have to pretend to be okay

and you don't have to pretend you're going to stay
117 · Feb 2023
Never again
Cc Feb 2023
I lifted my head as my mind heard tapping
His arms tightened around me
It’s okay
He said through sleep enticed mumbles
There’s nothing there

Nothing will hurt you as long as I’m here.
Cc Aug 2019
I’ve lost myself in the addictive mess of ****** desire.

i’ve wrapped myself in the deadly sweetness of sin

So that when I take that away
I’m left bleeding in the sheets

With no want to clothe myself
in the love I don’t deserve.
86 · Nov 2020
Future thinking
Cc Nov 2020
When I pass you on the street
And you look me in the eye
I hope I’m just another girl

When you’re sleeping with another
I hope you’ll smile and tell her
Stupid things I used to do

Or maybe you’ll forget about us
Maybe that’s for the best
After all, I kissed my best friend not you
You passed the test

You were meant to move on
I was just meant to write sad songs
85 · Oct 2022
Everything is just bad
Cc Oct 2022
I think I am suspended in a nowhere place

It doesn’t get better
Cc Feb 2021
He stole my emotions and capacity to trust;
I stole his favourite band and ability to listen to his favourite song.
Even Stevens.
82 · Oct 2021
We are one and the same
Cc Oct 2021
I want to write beautiful poetry
But you are not beautiful you are a ****
A **** like prickly grass,
Not like dandelions
Everything tangible and sweet is cancelled out by you
And I’m so tired of fighting
Maybe I am like prickly grass too
82 · Sep 2022
Closure
Cc Sep 2022
I’m so angry with us
How we played our cards until the bittersweet end.
But more than that, I’m angry I’ll never get closure.
It feels like there’ll be a hole inside of me until the day I die
A hole that craves to look you in the eye and apologise.
A want to go our seperate ways.
And forget each other forever.
Cc May 2022
I haven’t had to become friends in a while
I’m somebody else
Until you know me
81 · Oct 2021
I hate fedoras
Cc Oct 2021
I can’t look at rimmed hats without thinking about you
How ******* stupid is that?
81 · Nov 2022
Unanswered questions
Cc Nov 2022
Do you still think about us in your car?
Do you miss the way we used to talk.

Do you hate me for what I did?
Did you ever hate me at all.

Am I the girl you talk about
when people ask you your regrets?

Did you realise the last time we talked
this was always how it would end?

Are you okay in this big bad world?
Have you found another me.

Do you wonder if I’m in love?
Do you care that I’m happy.

Do you wish that we could meet again
if only to ask all these in person?

Do you listen to our songs?
Or do you prefer the silence.
79 · Oct 2021
Someone else
Cc Oct 2021
I think
Maybe today
I would like to be someone else
75 · Aug 2021
Shallow
Cc Aug 2021
I made myself have a panic attack
Because nothing made sense inside
75 · Oct 2021
Watch me wilt
Cc Oct 2021
I can feel every single one of my bones shrinking away from its potential
I am wilting
I am weak and I am wilting
It’s not a thing that calls for pity
It’s a display of disgust
I am hideous and you will look at me
75 · Sep 2022
Do you want to go back?
Cc Sep 2022
I saw your playlist
Like a bridge between your taste in music
And mine
And ours.
There’s an ‘ours’ now, isn’t there.
Cc Oct 2021
It never strikes first when the wound is fresh
It waits, waits as long as it needs to
It watches you think:
‘maybe I’m just a fast healer. Maybe they just didn’t mean that much to me.’
It waits until you’ve found what you think is peace with the situation.
It waits until you are walking along that old street on a Thursday at three
and smell someone’s cologne from a block away and your brain immediately associates that smell with them and suddenly there is this
little lump in your throat that hasn’t been there for a long time
It waits until you pass that store name you made fun of together five months ago because the i looks like an L
That store is closing down
And all of a sudden you can’t breath
It waits,
especially,
for when you are spring cleaning your closet and find a folded note that must have fallen down the side of your drawer and gotten lost because you could have sworn you threw out all of their ****
And of course you read the note because
How could you not
And you remember why you threw their stuff away
Because then
Then it hits you
One thousand times stronger than it should ever be
74 · Feb 2023
Home
Cc Feb 2023
I feel betrayed by this body that holds me
This body which is built to keep me safe
To harbour me from life’s storm
To me it is a house
Rather than a home.
73 · Aug 2022
Two halves of a whole
Cc Aug 2022
I think
No matter what
I always see myself coming back to you
73 · Oct 2022
Turning out part three
Cc Oct 2022
I hope you treat her differently
I hope you realise being sick in the head is no excuse to treat us like ****

I hope you realise I loved you so much I walked away.
Cc Sep 2020
Smile.
It masks the broken cracks as wrinkles.
Laugh.
Tears turn into happiness.
They’ll never see you-
and they’d never believe you if they did.
Pretend pretend pretend
You’ll believe it too.
72 · Jan 2021
Perspectives
Cc Jan 2021
I am hurting so deeply
But it will never matter
Because according to you
I’m
The
Bad
Guy
71 · Aug 2019
My ghost
Cc Aug 2019
You are already gone in my mind
So tell me,
What is the point of wasting tears on a ghost.
70 · Feb 2021
Your move
Cc Feb 2021
We danced around the prospect of responsibility and blame
I knocked out a white pawn, your king took the game
We set up the pieces time and time again
I’ll never tire of playing this charade
Where we beat each other by how hard we can play
pretend.
Emotions are pawns and manipulation knights
Our queens are memories and our kings are lies.
Just one more round, one more fight
One more night to promise it will be alright.
I lose more than I win
You set up the game.
I’m trapped
And that’s okay.
69 · Aug 2021
Nobody cared
Cc Aug 2021
I laid down on the concrete to stare at the pinpricks of light scattering the black fabric of the sky
to feel anything
but all I felt was cold
69 · Jun 2021
If I could
Cc Jun 2021
I won’t **** myself
I couldn’t
But...
Cc Sep 2021
This is for the swing set down by the lake
The holiday you ruined while I tried to keep you alive

This is for all the times you convinced me to stay on the phone
Knowing there was nothing I could do

This is for the mental health I lost
And the nights of sleep too

This is for sitting in the library clutching a stone To ground myself because I lost everything that made me who I was

This is for sitting in your stupid ******* car
Trying to fill the silence with anything other than sadness

This is for convincing me you cared about me
And not my therapy sessions

This is for ripping me apart from my friends
And playing dumb

This is for manipulating me into staying
Because you knew I wouldn’t leave a broken soul like you
Not when I could do good
Not when I could
                                   Fix you

This is for the sloppy kissing
For trusting you enough to fall asleep on you

This is for every other woman you’ve hurt
Because you will never ******* change

This is for being afraid to attend University
In fear of seeing you
And spiralling again

This is for still caring what you think about me
Despite what you did

This is for using me even now
And sending me a message after months of letting go

This is for the nights of tension with the person I love

This is for being able to listen to songs with new meaning
And the worried look on my parents face

This is for feeling like I’ll never be whole again
And convincing myself it’s my fault

This is for every time I sit in silence
And feel deafeningly alone

This is for convincing me without you
I was nothing

This is for psychological problems I will never fix
And scars and wounds that will stay with me for as long as I live

This is for my shaky hands
And my lungs that just can’t breath enough air

This is for being a coward in the ways that always mattered

This is for making me feel like I had a choice

For the cassettes, the recordings, the trinkets and gifts
The days we spent painting that stupid telephone

This is for looking at your playlists and searching for a trace of me
For being desperate to move on yet glued to the idea of you

This is for all the memories you left me with
And the hope you kept giving and taking

This is for the life you’ll live
And the people you’ll tell

This is for hurting me
And for me caring
68 · Jul 2022
Girl who cried wolf
Cc Jul 2022
Is it so wrong that maybe
Just for once
I want to be the one being saved
68 · Oct 2021
Who you were
Cc Oct 2021
What’s the word for
I hate you
But god I miss the way we were
66 · Aug 2021
Self aware
Cc Aug 2021
I only write poetry in the hopes that you’ll see it
I hate you but I’m still an attention seeker
63 · Mar 2022
Butterflies
Cc Mar 2022
I remember a time when kissing you after weeks away felt exciting and new
When butterflies felt good
A sign that we were okay

Now i will kiss you
There is no such feeling
Only home
62 · Apr 2021
Déjà Vu
Cc Apr 2021
its getting bad again.
its getting bad again and i dont know how to stop it.
61 · Jul 2021
It was never love
Cc Jul 2021
He begged me to let him go
Knowing how it would break me
Called me cruel and selfish
And yet I cared for him
More than I ever thought capable
61 · Feb 2021
When he’s gone
Cc Feb 2021
And when he’s here
He’s messy and human
and clumsy with my heart.
He’s quick to anger
And even quicker to push me away.
When he’s in my arms
His love is irritating
Nauseating
All encompassing.
He gets under my skin
Pushes his way in
And once he’s there he makes it clear he won’t leave

But when he’s gone
Oh when he’s gone
The sky falls apart and I forget who I am
59 · Sep 2021
Destiny
Cc Sep 2021
There are some people who are destined in this life to fall in love

some who are destined to meet the right person at the wrong time

Us?

we were destined to bring out the worst in each other
and stick to each other because of it
58 · Sep 2021
Borrowed time
Cc Sep 2021
I remember the moment I decided I was gone
From that moment all our time felt borrowed
I don’t know if you felt it
You started holding me tighter
I think you knew it wouldn’t matter in the end
58 · Jul 2021
that funny feeling
Cc Jul 2021
i spend more time fearing myself and wishing I was different
than hating the person who ruined my life
i force myself to act sad so people know I'm not alright

im hurting the people who love me again
like a washing machine on rinse
i repeat

sad songs are more appealing than a full meal
i can't remember the last time i looked in the mirror and felt real

i throw around terms of diagnosis because im scared to know its real
i joke about my problems because its the only way i can feel

i spent three months completely numb and didnt really care
i lie to my therapist about how im doing because its easier staying here

my mum looks at me like a stranger
where did her little girl go

dad doesnt really speak to me
the distance will just grow

im stuck in my room, my mind, my life
im stuck with a key in my hand
57 · Jan 2020
Don’t go
Cc Jan 2020
Don’t go
****
Don’t go
Give me more of everything I said I don’t want
57 · Mar 2021
Lacerate the brain
Cc Mar 2021
I have scars upon scars upon scars upon scars
And I wish
I wish I could show you them
56 · Nov 2020
It’s a sunny day
Cc Nov 2020
I’m not okay
I closed my eyes and ran towards a cliff
That hasn’t happened before
I’m scared
You don’t care and I’m scared
56 · Aug 2021
Kaleidoscope vision
Cc Aug 2021
The day you came back into my life
I remembered how beautiful the sun could be
56 · Sep 2021
When I grow up
Cc Sep 2021
I would like to say I hope we can look back on us and smile someday in the future
The truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever see you again after we say goodbye
Cc Aug 2021
i’m so distractingly alone
i guess you were the only person who really understood that
Cc Oct 2021
I’ve finally left you behind
For months I’ve been haunted by the city we both dreamed about
But now I’m free
50 · Sep 2021
Window to the soul
Cc Sep 2021
After all these months of forgetting
It’s still your god ****** eyes
I remember those grey tortured pools as if I was looking into them now
Cc Jan 2021
You’ll tell them how ****** I am. How I hurt you on purpose. You’ll tell them how cruel I became and, hell, they’ll believe it. They’ll believe because the truth is, a part of them always suspected. The truth of the matter is, you cannot believe rumours unless a part of you believes it could be true. And I fit the brief. There always needs to be a bad guy: someone to blame. I never wanted to be your hero but this? This is more than I can take. You will be my bad guy. That’s just how it’ll play out. I’ll sit down to coffee with someone new and your story will spill out. Perhaps in an alternate universe, you became my love. Perhaps you didn’t cause the scarring permanently on my wrists. Perhaps you didn’t manipulate me, and I didn’t manipulate you. Perhaps, just maybe, I kissed you not out of spite- but out of love. Perhaps you hate me now, and perhaps that’s okay. Perhaps no matter what we did we’d always end this way. Perhaps you’re reading this now, throat clenching up. Do you miss me, kid? Have you had enough? Would you ever believe me if I said I cared? Does it matter to you that I’ve cried actual tears. I never wanted to be your villain. And you never wanted to be mine. But perhaps we always knew where this would lead.

The truth is, I’ll continue hurting people. That’s just the way I am. My intentions don’t match up with my actions and that’s what people don’t understand. Like Miss Atomic Bomb and Mr Brightside, a game of cat and mouse I’ll play. With every bitter little heart who will call me the one who got away.
46 · Aug 2020
back from the edge
Cc Aug 2020
I lost myself so long ago

i recognise that

I lost myself in fake moments and tender words that left my mind

my soul

numb.

Nothing you do can bring me back
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