This is for the swing set down by the lake
The holiday you ruined while I tried to keep you alive
This is for all the times you convinced me to stay on the phone
Knowing there was nothing I could do
This is for the mental health I lost
And the nights of sleep too
This is for sitting in the library clutching a stone To ground myself because I lost everything that made me who I was
This is for sitting in your stupid ******* car
Trying to fill the silence with anything other than sadness
This is for convincing me you cared about me
And not my therapy sessions
This is for ripping me apart from my friends
And playing dumb
This is for manipulating me into staying
Because you knew I wouldn’t leave a broken soul like you
Not when I could do good
Not when I could
Fix you
This is for the sloppy kissing
For trusting you enough to fall asleep on you
This is for every other woman you’ve hurt
Because you will never ******* change
This is for being afraid to attend University
In fear of seeing you
And spiralling again
This is for still caring what you think about me
Despite what you did
This is for using me even now
And sending me a message after months of letting go
This is for the nights of tension with the person I love
This is for being able to listen to songs with new meaning
And the worried look on my parents face
This is for feeling like I’ll never be whole again
And convincing myself it’s my fault
This is for every time I sit in silence
And feel deafeningly alone
This is for convincing me without you
I was nothing
This is for psychological problems I will never fix
And scars and wounds that will stay with me for as long as I live
This is for my shaky hands
And my lungs that just can’t breath enough air
This is for being a coward in the ways that always mattered
This is for making me feel like I had a choice
For the cassettes, the recordings, the trinkets and gifts
The days we spent painting that stupid telephone
This is for looking at your playlists and searching for a trace of me
For being desperate to move on yet glued to the idea of you
This is for all the memories you left me with
And the hope you kept giving and taking
This is for the life you’ll live
And the people you’ll tell
This is for hurting me
And for me caring