you can talk of ******* like it's a joke,
and i wonder at the poor blokes who mean so little to you
i mention *** like it's a secret,
but no one knows my secret and no one notices that i hide
need to keep a lid on the dark,
better to be frigid than afraid of myself
i figure i'll be able to laugh one day,
when the wounds have been opened
and years have passed,
when *** is passe, when ******* is just *******
and i don't know if i'll be myself on that day,
or someone else.

short-sighted vision
complacency
a dangerous choice.
prototypes in my mind
fill the vacancy
fill the silence.
silence the needs
pretend like i die tomorrow
but live like i died today.
motivation for desire
stays and wallows
in it's comfortable rut.
change clings to
concentric circles.

rome wasn't built in a day
except quality can be reduced
and no one will give a
****, just buy another one
rainforest cleared but where
everyone lives/dies elsewhere
and trees will come back
dangerous things anyway
ready to fall on you any moment
everyone knows that, plastic
and metal are better/stronger
don't rot or grow lichen
reach for the ground not the sky
earth provides all our needs
all our stuff, we need so much
dangerous to go alone

Fractured black spaces
curved beneath my eyes
Fractal kaleidoscope
black sand, dust motes
Floating information

A touch to the cobweb
no - just a breath
And dark becomes light
light becomes colour
And my life flashes - as they say

Whatever I breathe is there
inside. I only see
What I want to see
and I bathe in my light
While all other worlds spin

Around the stars
As they've always done

a tiny anchor, barely a fish hook
moors me to the surface.
light as sunbeams i float
in the darkness.
float above everyone but it's
never far enough.
dreams follow me but many
had to be left behind.
life carries on once
the dying have gone.
of course we're all dying
and i was just dying to leave.
i sleep in the void
see my dreams before me
and below me. i wake
to check if i'm still alive and
i'm not sure why i'm surprised.
i'm not the first, but there was only
a few before me.
perhaps they will fill my dreams
with life and let me wake
in a new world.

Jump in anger, stamp your feet,
you know you have the right.
It is not fair, it was taken from you
don't give up, you must try to fight.

Take the fragments, shattered pieces,
learn to breathe despite the pain.
Bring the feelings to the surface,
sing in the dark and dance in the rain.

Become the one who survives
Hold on like a stubborn ****.
Get to know you, the real you,
Find the new person who has been freed.

if i could do what i loved, i'd have time to create and time to play
and time to rest and time to be busy without feeling busy.
if i could be myself, i'd have space to love and space to laugh
and space to cry and space to **** and be ****** like there's no tomorrow.
if i could be honest, i'd have close friends and close colleagues
and close family and enough real people that they'd make me real too.

no.

no one has time for everything and everything balanced.
if i could be perfect i would be perfect
doesn't everyone wish to be perfect?
but every disappointment and fear makes a richer tapestry
every loneliness and heartache makes a better listener
every slight and loss makes a stronger heart and mind

no.

not richer and stronger,
damaged and struggling,
hopeless
[    ]

head, neck, shoulders
arms, hands, fingers
finger joints, finger nails, finger tips
letters, keys, keyboard
circuit, wire, electricity
plug, converter, signals
addition, subtraction, memory
input, processing, output
light, heat, display
blinking, moving, typing
patterns, eyes, images
storing, matching, thinking
reading, writing, creating

once there was a house where elephants walked
but we would sit on the stairs and watch
giggling at the breaking furniture
kept us warm like a comfortable shower
sneaking to your place just to use your soap
despite the long highway between us
summer nights bled into winter sheets
something about school kept us on edge
waiting for the lightning to flash or
our thoughts to be broadcast on the p.a.
i learned all i could about chemistry
you studied hard for keeping up
we fell behind, of course, too wrapped up
and i drifted into losing language
or losing the one you used anyway
living in a green house rather than blue
and there were no tears or endings
just elephant memories and sunflowers

coarse salty air, shapes in soft sand showing the echo of waves.
cackling gulls over by the road, fighting over some scraps
the water flows like blanket pulled over the head
hiding the sand under the undulating soft blank sea
the sun is high, and burns the sand and salt into your skin.
the walk burns your muscles and you decide to rest
sit on the collapsing footprints of others
the softened erased castles where ***** used to live
sit to stare at the sharp horizon and blink in the harsh sun
perhaps boats or canoes or dinghies will wash past
perhaps you will wave and smile, perhaps you will sit there til dark
and no one will care when you walk into the cold clutches of the sea.

sweet sigh as I inhale you
the sweat of our passion
a scent of storms and slumber
smiling, sensuous you lay still
spent and silent.
softly I say
thank you
and I know you know what I mean.
thank you for your life
and for sharing mine
thank you for your love
that inflames and comforts.
thank you for healing me
thank you for making me a healer.
the morning light wakes you a little
and I lie on my side
breathing you my love.

empty space on the computer screen
pulls out words from my heart.
totally wrong words, feelings i didn't mean
to think, or feel, or
feelings i thought were long gone
my heart is not yet digital, not yet able
to put logic in the driver seat
and the craziness is driving me nuts.
i didn't know i was.
if i see what i feel in the words pouring out
if i can neaten the mess
surely clarity and honesty are good?
clear as pain or heat or
feelings i thought were
gone?
no, they fill me and burn me and ***** into the day
my skin wants to tear itself off
why does silence start to scream?
empty rooms flood with dark?
writing is dissecting, peering into the depths
of biology and nerves and life.
a logical eye labels the mess and it is no longer a mess
but i'm still afraid of what i did
of what i am in the empty spaces.

my thoughts are fatalistic
the inevitable dawning
on a driver skidding off a cliff
with a sinking feeling.
my mind paints with blood
the cuts that would sting
and sing
with a power releasing.
my crazy is a particular
type, the dark one
the hidden in the night
and never talked about one.
why scare people with reality?
why tear apart the pretty games
and smiles
with pain that can't be tamed?
so no one hears the thoughts
and the crazy bubbles up
comes out
in some imaginative ****-up.

empty night.
busy mind pulling in all directions.
witching hr.
the time for study and creativity.
juices flow.
when thoughts collide.
people cry.
when secrets bite with bitterness.
sleep heals.
night brings out the crazies.
the ones.
who cannot sleep.
those who.
dare not sleep.
sirens blare.
dappled shades of noise and silence.
bright dark world.
shadows and spotlights.
must stay inside.
but rules don't make sense now.
must not talk.
to strangers but all are strange.
the ones.
who sleep now are strangest.
afraid.
hiding, pretending to be safe but only.
like a child.
with hands over eyes and eyes clenched.

I thought life would be easier after death.
Thought of peace and love and clouds;
I never thought I'd wake up in a shell.

I can see you up there
The still-human ones.

I would envy you but I think the ability is lost
It is more obvious now that you are predators
But we share your space without much notice.

Death is only a sidestep so forget the risks;
Life is yours for the living.

one day i might
walk in to a storm
energy to move me
sound to silence the world
once you are wet
the touch of water comforts
once you are alone
the cold breaks down the walls
once you are close
the night hides all
once you choose
the river is a safe place to sleep

I toy with angst like a forgotten birthday card.
It should go in a drawer somewhere...
I was born to crying so why not cry now;
return myself to a frail statement of need.
They said safety and I heard only that they were afraid.
Why should my life be in other hands than my own?
Somehow, repeating the task of breathing and the chore of eating,
returned some light to the place... broke up the clouds.
Someone talking to me makes me feel less alone
only, the next minute I am alone again
still in conversation, not able to really listen.
No one can see inside me, despite trying;
I would like to pull out the insides so they can.
Eventually, the feel of a heavy coat being removed,
a bit more freedom to take a breath.
I don't know if I can put this all away to be forgotten,
but, I might just put it on display... for a while?
If I show a little frailty I don't have to be burdened
with every pain to handle alone.
There's the plan anyway, the new plan,
that involves more than just avoiding more birthdays.

dripping leaves drop the tears of my soul
snakes entwine in branches above
heavy and strong, they lie in wait
waiting for the urge to ****.

falling quickly into a spike-filled hole
stakes stab deep ****** gashes
no sound for the dripping rain
only pain and the time to fill.

if i move i will break
like glass
in a flash, a crash
of splinters and shards
i wish i could wake from my bed, move my head, make a noise
all that leaves my mouth is a whimper
a mewling sigh
i wish i could shake myself, wake myself, open my eyes
all that leaves my mind is a panic
a writhing snake
blankets tie me to darkness, the weight of a sadness
permeating the room
the breeze whispers the temptations, the life outside
but if i move i will break
if i move i will take a hit to the stomach and fall to the floor
if i move i will be eroded by the acid in my veins
if i move my mind will no longer wallow in mud but place itself
back in my head, but my mind is my enemy
a ****** to take me out, landmines or traps, car smashing, a lift crashing, the list is endless
if i move i will shatter, i will spread my atoms into nothingness.

breathing
can be hard
can be soft,
can be a sleep sound
or a waking sign.

breath catches
in surprise or wonder
or love,
bring feelings to your chest
and up the throat.

you breathe in life
and breathe out life.
you have no idea
how lucky you are.

Plastic shards burst from
tightropes
high above our eyes
Clanging trumpets played in the pit
by three dead children.
The conductor tries to lead an escape, but trips on dry ice.

Not everyone is trying to escape.
We paid for a show.

No one notices the smoke at first,
til it shapes itself a dragon
It gulps a wigged lady, in the circle,
and lands to finish the meal.
The strings lead the orchestra, making the tigers cry and carry on.

But death is a frequent guest at our parties,
so we're not phased.

A bunch of clowns handle a fire hose,
a pretend baby in a building
And the dragon performs a gust of fire
that they can put out.
The performers are as surprised as any and some have hidden.

But perhaps the brave, or the drunk,
still make the show go on.

No one is stupid or heartless enough
to attack the dragon, but
The small winged demons are fair game,
and have a taste for eyeballs.
We stab one with an umbrella and club one with a bag of canned stuff.

Better to be prepared, we thought,
and were proven right again.

heart, it beats out time again
solid gentle rhythm tapping
there is only one to listen
to that subtle inside sound.
they do not care for this noise
think it like a chain is rattling
bound to body and to life
no simple way to escape the sound.

I know something
that you don't.
not a secret,
an experience
that you missed
well...
that you narrowly avoided
You know the gist, the facts,
but you don't know.

If you missed the taxi
and missed the plane
and the plane crashed
there would be relief,
but the disaster was
only in my mind.
Shot down, holes blasted,
things blown away
and people screamed.

I knew it was going down
but stayed in my seat.
Not afraid,
not like you.
I am both weak and strong
through this
knowing this
going down
only...
to be rescued in the water.
You will see me again
when I am home.

Listen to the dark, my dear
listen hard and listen well.
I know you are frightened, dear,
I know the dark surrounds you still.

The darkness is not absence, child,
the thoughts you hear are you.
And you are not all darkness, child,
But you must keep on breathing through.

The light will shine soon, my dear,
I know this weight presses on.
The dark will fade soon, my child,
And you will carry on.

i wonder if your silence is saying something,
about me?
or if you just forgot to talk.
some affliction of the mind
or the body:
temporary paralysis, night terrors.

i always read a lot of thoughts out of nothing,
becoming reality,
becoming arguments and hatred or
the bright coloured graffiti
that means nothing.
the places you go are not here or now.

you wrote that it was not a good place,
your smile
obviously not one of happiness.
more a relief at finding me again.
but I followed you
and now we are both lost, or chasing something.

i contain an immense ocean
and an almost bottomless pit
and a scream
and a life that doesn't fit.
there's the life i want - classes
and friends that come to visit
and holidays
and a date with candles lit.
the life i have is full of holes
and immense mountain summits
and crumbling ledges
and tumbling rivers of ****.
i contain the past and present
and more pain than i admit
and hate for life
and i cannot stop it.

solid tiredness weighs on eyelids and fingers
electric suns stay bright while dawn mists behind the blinds
many hours spent, or wasted, it can seem the same
and your bed is calling you by name.

waking dreams... crawling dust and shadows
pin ****** of sound, like creaking, or alien birds in the sky
outside a universe, or inside a star, body-less
move toward danger, curious and careless.

resistance is a game, a futile pull towards control
don't care what the day is, time is nothing in the mind
burning fuel to warm myself, books of the past
but some day, not this one, will be my last.

through the standing stones
the clear bright sun takes a breath.
just easy steps, on flat soft ground.
I thought it would be cold.
only a flicker of shade, nothing
has changed when I look around.
a sting of disappointment, until i see
a deer in the trees, watching me.
I laugh and it does not run
I walk closer and into the trees
another world, with dappled
light, but I still see the same sun.
the creature dips a head and then turns
I don't know whether to follow,
but caution stalls my stride.
I slowly turn in a full circle
breathing deep and longingly.
at least this precious moment is mine.

heart deep misery. old old wounds.
forgotten or unknown, walled off rooms.
I sit in them, alone, watching patterns
form on walls and floor, matching
the cracks and mold inside my head.
hypnotic but sickening, meant
for the past where it could make sense
where words hurt and then heal again.
not this rush of sensation and acid rain.
dark and light. pain. and more raw foul ****** pain.

Spring shadows spread beneath the eaves
Birds fight sweetly
Squabbling about love and plenty.

Love is such a strange idea
Never been taught
How to begin to love myself.

Am I ready for that?
Am I ready for a partner, lover, more?

It is the time for growth
Spring silence alone in the dark
Living, changing, moving forward
To something new