if i move i will break
like glass
in a flash, a crash
of splinters and shards
i wish i could wake from my bed, move my head, make a noise
all that leaves my mouth is a whimper
a mewling sigh
i wish i could shake myself, wake myself, open my eyes
all that leaves my mind is a panic
a writhing snake
blankets tie me to darkness, the weight of a sadness
permeating the room
the breeze whispers the temptations, the life outside
but if i move i will break
if i move i will take a hit to the stomach and fall to the floor
if i move i will be eroded by the acid in my veins
if i move my mind will no longer wallow in mud but place itself
back in my head, but my mind is my enemy
a ****** to take me out, landmines or traps, car smashing, a lift crashing, the list is endless
if i move i will shatter, i will spread my atoms into nothingness.

through the standing stones
the clear bright sun takes a breath.
just easy steps, on flat soft ground.
I thought it would be cold.
only a flicker of shade, nothing
has changed when I look around.
a sting of disappointment, until i see
a deer in the trees, watching me.
I laugh and it does not run
I walk closer and into the trees
another world, with dappled
light, but I still see the same sun.
the creature dips a head and then turns
I don't know whether to follow,
but caution stalls my stride.
I slowly turn in a full circle
breathing deep and longingly.
at least this precious moment is mine.

heart deep misery. old old wounds.
forgotten or unknown, walled off rooms.
I sit in them, alone, watching patterns
form on walls and floor, matching
the cracks and mold inside my head.
hypnotic but sickening, meant
for the past where it could make sense
where words hurt and then heal again.
not this rush of sensation and acid rain.
dark and light. pain. and more raw foul ****** pain.

solid tiredness weighs on eyelids and fingers
electric suns stay bright while dawn mists behind the blinds
many hours spent, or wasted, it can seem the same
and your bed is calling you by name.

waking dreams... crawling dust and shadows
pin ****** of sound, like creaking, or alien birds in the sky
outside a universe, or inside a star, body-less
move toward danger, curious and careless.

resistance is a game, a futile pull towards control
don't care what the day is, time is nothing in the mind
burning fuel to warm myself, books of the past
but some day, not this one, will be my last.

i contain an immense ocean
and an almost bottomless pit
and a scream
and a life that doesn't fit.
there's the life i want - classes
and friends that come to visit
and holidays
and a date with candles lit.
the life i have is full of holes
and immense mountain summits
and crumbling ledges
and tumbling rivers of ****.
i contain the past and present
and more pain than i admit
and hate for life
and i cannot stop it.

my thoughts are fatalistic
the inevitable dawning
on a driver skidding off a cliff
with a sinking feeling.
my mind paints with blood
the cuts that would sting
and sing
with a power releasing.
my crazy is a particular
type, the dark one
the hidden in the night
and never talked about one.
why scare people with reality?
why tear apart the pretty games
and smiles
with pain that can't be tamed?
so no one hears the thoughts
and the crazy bubbles up
comes out
in some imaginative ****-up.

I toy with angst like a forgotten birthday card.
It should go in a drawer somewhere...
I was born to crying so why not cry now;
return myself to a frail statement of need.
They said safety and I heard only that they were afraid.
Why should my life be in other hands than my own?
Somehow, repeating the task of breathing and the chore of eating,
returned some light to the place... broke up the clouds.
Someone talking to me makes me feel less alone
only, the next minute I am alone again
still in conversation, not able to really listen.
No one can see inside me, despite trying;
I would like to pull out the insides so they can.
Eventually, the feel of a heavy coat being removed,
a bit more freedom to take a breath.
I don't know if I can put this all away to be forgotten,
but, I might just put it on display... for a while?
If I show a little frailty I don't have to be burdened
with every pain to handle alone.
There's the plan anyway, the new plan,
that involves more than just avoiding more birthdays.