Our gift is emotion
pain, grief and the occasional humor
ease what ails
We are unique, unbridled
free to express on a whim
the heavy burden in our minds
We release our cares onto listening ears
making the load easier to carry
In this way we share the weight
Someone expresses thanks
and becomes a  blessing
Making the emotion bearable
creating a smile
In this instance
we are gifts to each other

when I die
I want to be forgotten as if I never existed
I wish for my family to lose my  memory
so they never have to feel the pity
so they can be happy and smile
I wish to be gone in a snap
without machines to support my life
to keep me hanging on


when I die
I just want to be **gone

I stared into the glossy eyes
of a stranger
A master illusionist is he
But they were your eyes
so I misunderstood it all

He loves me he loves me not
He loves me 2,000 miles away
Always loves me at a 3 or 5
but no larger than 8
12 is a turn off; 
 there's never a second glance
So I guess that must mean
there's no second chance

I wonder of I'll ever get used to the leaving. The rejection stings but it's mostly bearable. It's the leaving I hate the most.

I can no longer pretend; I am blackened by the long journey. Cramped and jagged edges surround my tiny path, as I stagger and grasp trying to keep upright. Falling rocks up ahead make the trail harder to see.
Why did I choose this way? Oh yes I remember now. The other path was definitely an easier trudge, I cannot deny it. I just couldn't fathom the end of it all.
So many chose that path. I was on it once, it was so easy. I remember I could serpentine if I wanted to, I could jump over any obstacles and run right through the trees! Mostly because they were thin and dying. It was broad and spacious! Oh but the end of it all, the end of it all was certain destruction. The bridge was out, there would be nowhere to go and with so many pushing behind them, well I just don't see how anyone would keep their footing.  I've heard the fall is impossible to survive.
So, needless to say, I chose the road less traveled. This road is cramped, It is difficult at best and I've seen very few along the way. I am grateful they are here though; taking this path with me. At times when I've stumbled they offer me a helping hand.....and likewise. I could never have made it this far without them. When we enter in through the narrow gate we will rejoice together!
It is just the uphill climb, the narrow path that is very challenging to follow. Having faith is a must or I am surely going to fall short of finishing. Focus is what I need. I must keep my eyes fixed. There is no going back now, I'm much too far.......I am over half way!
The fog is clearing and I am able to see the end! There is only a short distance, I know I can make it now. Don't slip! I mustn't quit! I will keep moving, keep alert, stay awake. I know it will all be worth it if I stay steady. Don't look back! Just stay straight. Don't stop now.

Nothing felt so surreal as when he called me perfect
Insecurities were lifeless within me
Floating along on a breeze I
danced among the clouds; caught up
Nothing mattered except when he called me baby
I was his and he was mine
In my mind there was no space in-between
Nothing was more ****** than when
he slid his arms around my waist
face in my neck, chills down my spine
hands shivering, short breaths
Nothing was more incredible than that....
Nothing was more upsetting than when he was upset
with me especially
Nothing hurt worse than the names
Than the disappointment
Than the expectations
Nothing was harder than the court orders
Than the shelters
Than the sleepless nights
Nothing was longer than the drive out of state
Than parenting single
Than the not knowing
Nothing stabs like a tear soaked pillow
like confusion
or a broken heart
Nothing makes me feel more like a fool
Than wanting him back
Than missing his laugh
His smile, his charms
Call me crazy

Darting up through coral skies
Far & wide across my line of vision
Majestic
Snow capped
the strong but silent type.
Awe inspiring creation
words cannot describe you
Not enough.
Undeniable
breath taking beauty.
The type we pay to see
though priceless in God's eyes
it was worth every dime spent
flying
every pair of hiking boots.
Drink in the clean pure water
flowing through the trees
trickling down in icy streams
tiny flowers gracing paths
waterfalls in the distance
equalling total amazement

Like tiny delicate white petals floating through the air, they pile up in the formation of thick cozy blankets covering cars and houses. I sit cuddled up in my own with cocoa and fleece feeling safe and sound by an angry fire.

Lights! Evergreen! Action! Have you ever heard of the feast of fools? Plunging into pleasures takes the stage!Welcome to the Saturnalia! The setting takes place in ancient Rome, Emperors rule and slaves usually bow but not on this solstice festival. Backwards is the trend and nothing is forbidden it is a drunken wild revel! No rules no laws! Children become the authority taking part in drunken brawls! Yule logs burn and mistletoe hangs from the tops of each doorway. Streams of evergreen decorate the home as a lit up tree stands alone all are home as business is closed for the five day party. Slaves gamble and cheat and rule their masters! Unrule is the slogan and *** the master in public displays of unholy affection!  No recognition of marriage for sin is the law, the anticipation of the Saturnalia! A two faced pagan mythical god is to whom they give their allegiance.
Sadly today, not much has changed, only the name of the public acceptance. It now lasts far longer than five days so as to add to the excitement of the masses. Traditions remain alot the same; more suicides occur on the winter solstice. More drunken bouts, more placed in prison for truly unruly behavior. Yet Christian is the title as it masks the scene, with a portrait of a nativity, desperately trying to mask the desires of the popularity at such a sinful occasion. It's all an attempt to make what is obscene okay in the eyes of their Maker.

Without flaw
Selflessly
Worthy of life yet
Willingly
With untainted love
A sacrifice
Not with judgment
With perfect understanding
Of Sanctification
And human feelings
Dealing with wisdom,
Sealing with patience
With undeserved kindness
Righteousness
The right balance
The only solution
Our Ransom

Tears like waterfalls crash down in never ending emotion. Ripped from reality, doomed, hopless, under mind control; instability everywhere. She wanders through a nightmarish scene. A scoundrel who owns her every move, her thoughts a desperate secret she has to keep. Begging the pain to end, begging for answers to questions she cannot ask. What is love?

Cravings for what we aren't supposed to have
Love is forbidden and nobody cares
Starvation rules
The poor have no chance
  Greed controls
with idle hands
making up rules with no second glance
And the people vote
Raise your hands
the verdict stands
  a hundred years without hope
Question is
will there be any way to cope?
With wars running rampant and poverty
liars and thieves become the kings
The people bow to cloth, people & things
children remain suffering
This is a world of the insane
Forgiveness is difficult when no one is sorry
Confidence and hope are replaced with worry
Faith flies out the window & prayers are hard to say
when injustice rules,... no one feels safe

I can hardly wait for you will finally
show me what you mean
& I,... I'll finally submit to your advances.
I get chills when I think of the seconds turning into hours on the couch with wine glasses, cheese and French bread
curled up with a blanket, stroking fingers, breathing in memories lost in moments
I can hardly handle the time slowly ticking, creeping towards the morning when steam rises from ceramic as the clear view of the mountains connects us in a remembrance of euphoia
I can hardly stand the giddy feeling I get imagining our December, when you love me again

I am releasing my grip
from the unforeseen consequence
cornered choices of my yesteryears
Relaxing my shoulders
shake off the weight
past actions done in haste
no longer serpentine
wavering
back and forth with indecision
With one last exhale
drop the heavy burden
of worries
hear a loud crash
insecurities smash
Into pieces on the floor
Light as air now
take a step up
every motion I take,
mind is clear
I resolve to
place my best foot forward
with each step

Liar how could you
Wreck love and laughter
Wreck happiness
Liar how could you
Blame innocence
Use insecurity as an excuse
Emotion to trap your prey
Use compliments as hooks
on this ground of which you play
Liar how could you?
Use your time to trick pure hearts
to ruin righteous people
and fill them full of scars
But you are a liar
life is unfairness
For you deny the truth
so your downfall is this...

I am an imperfect reflection of love
I crave justice for the innocent
Ones who need it most, who deserve it.
Longing to erase scars unasked for, abuse uncalled for.
I am a stubborn iron pole planted deep in the ground
unmovable in my quest for peace.
Unwavering in the wind, standing strong through storms;
I cannot be penetrated by powerful strikes.
I am numb to the ice cold and I stay cool in the heat
I fight battles in silence.
Words can be powerful mechanisms
when falling on listening ears, then again
twisted words turn hope into fear, fear of the unknown.
Can a hardened heart learn to love an enemy?
What is peace anyway if not to learn to be at peace.

I read never to trust in our own understanding and I believe that.
So I continue learning from the only source or line possible, a faithful and discrete slave, one who does not lie; one who is consistent and continually searching and researching for truth.
It is not something within me, but external I listen to. 
A light that grows ever brighter through a humble channel and it makes sense.
I enjoy a feast of knowledge, a wonderful stream I can drink from and my roots stay strong because of it. Grateful and privileged I endure in a state of joy.

Words twist and turn
lies magnify
people get caught up
when  their after
a piece of the pie
life is a maze
love is a concept
everyone believes what
is easy to digest
"if it sounds good tell us
consequence is what we don't want."
There seems to be just one thing
everyone forgot
"Love Jehovah your God with all your
mind soul & heart"
then love eachother but that comes after
it seems we're backwards
But who's keeping track
of the ever after?