Babe
My depression is a weather forecast
Somedays I'm a light rain
Somedays I'm a hurricane
And other days I'm perfectly fine ...

He says but you've been sad for a couple weeks now
When are you going to fine again

I wish I knew
Wish I wasn't so ******* blue
Wish that you would suggest to me how
Instead of just asking me when
Wish I knew how many hours
Minutes
Seconds until then
But we all know weather men arent always accurate
And we all know how ****** the community gets
When the sun doesn't come out when promised
So I can't promise you sunshine tomorrow
Because what happens if it's still raining when I wake up
Will you still want to be with me?

He says well ...
no one would

And the light drizzle coming from my eyes
turned into a thunderstorm
Of thoughts crashing into each other like
how dare he
and he's right
and when it rains it pours
And being given the ultimatum of
be happy
Or die alone
feels a lot like getting struck by lightning

He says I just can't deal with this **** anymore

I didn't realize you were the one dealing with it
I'm sorry my rain clouds were getting you wet
Never once have you offered me room under
your - I assume - tiny umbrella
But I can still see the glow of your cigarette
so I don't know what you're complaining about
when I'm chain-smoking soaked tobacco
to try and fill my lungs with tar
instead of water

He says it's all in your head

But my head is barely above the waters
and I can hardly breathe
you wonder why I can't talk to you about it
but it's not as easy as it seems
I know you know that I know how to swim
But that's not an excuse to not throw me a life jacket anyways

He says when I got mono
I was depressed to and I got through it

And I will get through this
but depression is not just a bad day
your happiness came back with your health
Your disease has died but mine still survives
And is a friend of mine on Facebook
And I don't know why
somedays the sun shines
and other days I see my memories
playing in the puddles in the street

He says but you know I would never do that to you

And I do know that
The odds of living through another tsunami
When I've already lived through two is enough to make me not want to take a shower again
Let alone be with a guy I think will throw me back into the waves

He says happiness is a decision you make

But everyone knows
no matter how much you may want to
You can't change the weather

He says did he hit you
because you wouldn't let him leave to?

FEMINISM

Men will ask you what you need feminism for
When they already allow you to vote
and buy you drinks at the bar
Well let me spell it out for you
When we leave that bar

F is for fingers
Laced between house and car keys
Intricately
The mace laying at the top of your purse
Because even walking to your car is risky
F is for fearing for your life
From 7 pm to 7 am every night

E is for embarrassing
Because that's what feminism is
It's ******* embarrassing when you even have to tell your boyfriend
If he ever laid a hand on you
You would leave
It's even more embarrassing
When he tries to call your bluff
It's embarrassing that the bottle of Zoloft next to your bed
Looks like weakness to him
Instead of survival

M is for messages
Slid into your DMs
And sometimes if you're lucky enough
The slots on your ******* locker
Telling you how much of a **** you are
Even though at the time
You had only had *** with one guy
And you were already fighting a war
Trying to figure out why it feels
Like you were held against your will
Like you were drafted off a list
You never even meant to be on
But society is telling you (and I quote)
"Well by the looks of your avi...
Clearly you're a *****...
And you were asking for it"

I is for the innocence
That was stolen from me
That he claimed to be
And the verdict he was rewarded for it
The innocent he to this day still thinks he is
Probably because he has my own to make up
For his lack there of
His trophies are turned backwards on his shelf
So that no one can see
Those plaques are addressed to me
I is for he still likes your pictures on instagram

N is for no
Or maybe I should say yes
Since a no is really a yes
As long as she's got on a short dress
The letters N O are written with lines blurred
As long as her words are slurred
She meant to say yes, Im sure
N is for those nike sweatpants
You haven't worn since

I is for the isolation you feel
afterwards even though
This is not the only I in this poem
And I am not alone because

S is for statistics
Stating that 1/3 of the girls in this room
Knows exactly what I'm talking about
And to those girls...
S is for the sorry you will never get to hear
Come out of his ******* mouth
But will find instead leaving your own lips
Far more often than you'd like to admit
It starts all your questions
And ends all your statements
Sorry seems to be your answer for everything

M is for your mom
For loving you and for worrying about you
Moving to clifton because it's so dangerous
She wonders why you're not as scared as she is
Little does she know two boys from the supposedly safe suburbs
Had already beat those clifton thugs to the punch
Mom still doesn't know
Mom might not ever know

So give me my feminism
You've already taken everything else

skies are no longer blue
they sit in a darkness I can't describe
at noon
finding happiness in the dark
is already hard enough
I lost my glasses when you left
now I can't see a tomorrow
my yesterdays are blurred together
in a fog I don't recognize

Two lies:
this is not a poem
I am no longer in love with you

My grandma doesn't come to Christmas dinner anymore
I still remember the last Christmas she showed up to
She told me I was her favorite grandchild
While I'm flattered that's kind of ****** up grandma

So I asked her why
And I don't know what I expected but certainly not
"Because you're my only grandchild"
You see it hit me then that the reason I'm her favorite
Is because she doesn't claim the others

Because her son , my father
Married a white woman
While her daughter , my aunt
Married a black man
And they had her grandchildren
And they had her great grandchildren
But to her they are not family

And it was suddenly clear to me
Why my cousins never came to a single Christmas at my house
So now you're wondering
If my biracial cousins never showed up in the first place
Why did she all of a sudden stop coming

Well it's about 20% because she's old as **** now
And 20% because my brother is adopted
And his two biological sisters come to our Christmas now
And they all have different dads
One white , one black , one Hispanic

And 20% because my brother is engaged to a Muslim woman
And they have the most beautiful tan skinned baby together
And 20% because my other cousins married Asian men
And have you seen a half Asian baby
Because they're ******* adorable
*******

And finally 20% because our Christmas dinner table kind of looks
Like a small scaled globe
With ham on one side , rice on the other ,
and nachos somewhere in between
And we're all sitting together
With all our different shades of skin
And my grandmother does not accept
Anyone's shade but my own
But her own

But we are all beautiful
And we are all family
And there is only one race at my Christmas dinner table
And there is only one race in my world
The human race
And I wish my grandmother could see it that way
I wish the world could see it that way

I wish the world was more like our dinner table
Because chips and salsa is the best appetizer
Because rice is the best side dish
Because loving everyone no matter what they look like
Should come easy
Loving thy neighbor
Loving thy ******* family
Should come easy

And maybe that's why my Christmas looks the way it does
Because we have all been discriminated against
But never at my mothers house
And that's why even though we are not all blood
We are all considered family

I laugh at all of our Christmas cards
While grandma flinches at the sight
But that's fine
Christmas is not about receiving
It's about giving
And my blood family has given many others the chance to be one of us
I hope one day the world looks like my dinner table
And I hope there's nachos
I really hope there's nachos

You look so good sitting on that counter
I hope I don't sound too thirsty
But you just look so amazing in white
and you look even better in red
I can't get you out of my head
I think about you all the time
I need a certain amount of you daily
Some call it an addiction
I call it an infatuation
You have never let me down
Except maybe twice
But in comparison to everyone else
In my life that's pretty good
And the only reason you let me down
those couple of times
was my own fault
for wanting too much of you
I'll try to take you in moderation
But it's just so hard when you're so tempting
you tease me with your body like a bottle
and your lips wear that grape flavored chapstick
Maybe this poem is the last thing I need
To finally be deemed an alcoholic
Because I'm addicted to you baby
And I know you'll never leave me

Life seems perfect
For hitlers dream girl right
Blonde hair blue eyes
I bet her life is as picture perfect
As her selfies
I bet she has everything handed to her
I bet she's never struggled
A day in her ******* life

Well life ain't been a walk in the park
It hasn't been a ******* breeze
But it should have been
I hope I'm making it look easy
I hope I don't look like my struggles

I'm flattered you don't notice the bags under my eyes
Or the scars all over my body
Because I'm not the one
Who put them there
I'm glad that what I've been through
And what people have done to me
Isn't written on my ******* forehead
For everyone and their ******* mom to read

But don't sit here and try to read me
Because I'm not a ******* open book
I'm completely shut off
And locked away
But I'll be ****** if I hand you the key
And let you read a couple of chapters into me
And then use your new found knowledge against me
*******

You don't know how many nights
I've laid awake all night
Because the thought of another nightmare was scarier than the nightmare itself
You don't ******* know what it feels like to walk through hell
While holding the devils hand
You could never understand
Anything I've ever been through
Unless you've been through it to

So don't come to me and confide in me
And ask for a piece of my strength
Because you're "going through the same thing"
AND THEN TELL ME IM ****** UP
FOR NOT HANDLING IT THE SAME WAY AS YOU
don't ******* tell me
That I have issues that I'm stupid
That I NEED HELP
because I'm more than aware

I don't need you to tell me
I don't need you to sympathize with me
I don't need you for anything
I'm still standing here after all of that
And I'm proud of that
Because I can't tell you how many times
I searched the back of my closet for my strength to stay
I can't tell you how many times
I've broke down and screamed at god
To stop putting me through all this misery
To take me out of my ******* misery

I don't need you to reiterate and reassure me
that I don't need to be here
I know I don't deserve to be here
But I still fight to be here everyday
And I WOULD NEVER
Make someone feel as low as me

So get on twitter
Slide into my DMs
And let me know I'm a *******
Because you're not telling me anything
I don't already know
Why do you think I date the guys I do ?
BECAUSE THATS ALL I THINK I DESERVE

but I'll tell you you deserve better
Because every else does
And I'll never stoop to your level
So go ahead and try to bring me down
Because I'm already six feet in the ground
I died at 15 but hopefully my casket won't close
For many years
Because I need to be here
To make you and everyone else around me
Still feel alive

My zombie body is
Fueled off people seeing me still somehow breathing
Against all odds
When probably nobody would blame me
For giving up
And closing my casket for good

If anyone in this room understands
And has gone through what I have
I hope you know you're not alone
And I will give you my very last breath
To let you know you deserve to be alive
Because you deserve to be here more than me
And knowing that I'm keeping you alive
Will keep my zombified body going

And I'll appear so ******* alive

You won't even notice

I'll get over you one day
Today's not that day

I like a boy
Who's had his heart broken
But he doesn't know heartbreak
Like I know heartbreak

Because I'm a veteran
From several wars of love
And I lost every single one

But I fought long and hard
And I have the bruises and scars
To prove it

But baby I'm willing to go into war again
If you'll fight on my side
Maybe we'll win this time

My empathy is leaving me empty
My ability to walk in someone else's shoes
Has me forgetting where I left my own

I keep trying to play superman
but the sight at your blood on my hands
Has me feeling more like Louis lane
And I can't possibly explain to you what it's like
To try and save your best friends life
And come so close to failing

My sympathy is a blessing to others
Because they have someone who understands their pain
But my sympathy is a curse to me
Because I physically feel their pain with them

And I am the record holder
for fastest friend to pick up the phone
And let you know you're not alone
That's why I answered at 3 am on Christmas eve
When everyone else you knew was asleep

And this has become a routine
Of you calling me when youre ****** up
Just to make me laugh and tell me you love me
And you miss me and you wish I was ****** up with you
And that's what I expected to hear again on Christmas eve

But this time instead of I love you
I heard I think I'm sick
And instead of you miss me
I heard please come get me
And instead of I wish you were ****** up with me
I heard I don't want to be this ****** up anymore

Please come get me I think I'm overdosing
And I've never ran out of my house so fast
And a normally 30 minute drive took me 15
And I couldn't help but think the worst the whole way
That I was going to be too late

But at 3:15 you were still there
But you weren't really there
And I've never been so scared
To see your stare because your eyes were vertical
And that's not a ******* metaphor
Your eyes were literally vertical

And you begged and you pleaded
For me to take you back to your car
But I was not letting you drive anywhere
I wasn't going to allow my friend
Out on the road like that **** that
You're staying here

And I expected a thank you
Once we woke up in the morning
So it was okay that you were calling me a ****** friend
At 5 am because I was still there wasn't I ?
And I remember reading my horoscope while you were in the bathroom

You may find a person tedious and frustrating Gemini
This person dwells on pointless thoughts
It would be nice of you to make this person feel better
There are many ways you can make a difference

And while reading it I got a snap chat from you
Still thinking you were safe in the bathroom I opened it
To see blood pouring from your wrists with a caption
"I hope you're happy"

And I thought I couldn't have ran faster
than i did from my house at 3 am
But I was wrong because I never ran faster
Than I did when I opened that at 6
To find you not in the bathroom
Not in the house at all and I had to call the police
Even though I knew you didn't want me to

And while I was running on the phone
Giving my name your name our address
Simultaneously searching for you
and I feel bad for the operator
Who had to hear me when I found you

I wish I could've used my hands
For more than just pressure on your wrists
I wish my hands knew how to reach into you
And Remove all your pain on the inside to
Because I never really knew just how alone you felt

And Im sorry isn't good enough
For not being good enough of a friend to see
That you were spiraling out of control
And every phone call before that was a cry for help
That I didn't ******* listen to
Im sorry I wasn't there for you even though I thought I was
I'm sorry I didn't do more but it's too late

Sorry doesn't mean **** when you're following behind the ambulance
And sorry doesn't mean **** when you have to tell her mom what happened
And sorry doesnt mean anything until I know you're okay

But luckily you were too ****** up
To know how to slit your wrists the right way
And it's sad that you're here because of that
And not because of me

This Christmas Eve I found out I'm not superman
and I never will be

The first time I met you, you said
"I don't usually like girls with nose rings"
but you seemed to like me anyways
The next time we saw each other you said
"I don't date girls who smoke cigarettes"
but you had a pack in your back pocket

When we started dating I would hear
"I've never dated a girl who's not a ******"
and maybe I wasn't a ******
but your body count was still higher than mine
but I never thought twice about those things you said
because it's kind of hard to remember them
when you're also saying "you're the girl of my dreams"

I remember you talking about your ex's
"they were all blonde and they all ended up being psychos"
and I never questioned it because why would I
when the next thing you say is
"thank god you're nothing like them"

And I remember hearing
"why do you wear make up?"
when in actuality you were saying
"who are you trying to impress?"
And I remember hearing
"why are you always on your phone?"
when in actuality you were saying
"who the **** are you texting?"

but can you blame me for my bad hearing
when you're playing love songs in the background
and can you blame me for not seeing the red flags
you're waving in front of my face
when they're in the form of roses

and with every rose colored compliment you gave me
came a thousand thorn covered insults with it
and I would gladly grab the rose by it's stem
and let the thorns stab into my hand
because it smelled so ******* sweet at the time

and suddenly the "why are you so dressed up?"s
turned into "why do you dress like a ****?"
and the "why do you have so many guy friends?"s
turned into "how many of them are you *******?"

and it didn't matter if you you went through my phone
twitter, Facebook, anything messages
and found nothing or even better- me rejecting guys
because at the end of the day you were still calling me a ****

by this time you had given me an entire bouquet of roses
but no vase to put them in so I simply just continued
holding onto their thorn covered stems, bleeding
but smiling because everyone could see how pretty they were
especially since I had to carry them around everywhere I went

cause if I went anywhere without them
or I set them down for just a second
You thought it was because I didn't love you anymore
or worse you thought it was because I was cheating on you

and since I wasn't aloud to put the roses in a vase
and give them water the beautiful smell started to go away
and the petals slowly started to wilt and die
and suddenly there was nothing left but the stems
still covered in thorns, still covered in my blood
and I was hoping you'd give me a new rose
with a "you look pretty today" attached somewhere to it
but that never happened

instead you started shooting cupids arrows at me
But luckily you had ****** aim and each time they would fly
Just close enough to my ears
So I would hear your piercing insults
Whispered so only I could listen and
Everyone else was left wondering why
I was crying

when finally you aimed just right
and hit me in the ******* face with one
I fell onto the ground but instead of picking me back up
you left me there physically unable to move
and then broke up with me for not chasing after you

and all of a sudden the smell of roses started to smell like **** to me
and the cupids arrows laying on the ground around me
were just knives from the kitchen
and I was finally able to get some ******* disinfectant on my cuts
and you knocked on my door with an I'm sorry
and another rose in your hand

but instead of taking it, I slammed the door in your face
because if you were really sorry
you would have brought me a daisy