Babe
My depression is a weather forecast
Somedays I'm a light rain
Somedays I'm a hurricane
And other days I'm perfectly fine ...

He says but you've been sad for a couple weeks now
When are you going to fine again

I wish I knew
Wish I wasn't so ******* blue
Wish that you would suggest to me how
Instead of just asking me when
Wish I knew how many hours
Minutes
Seconds until then
But we all know weather men arent always accurate
And we all know how ****** the community gets
When the sun doesn't come out when promised
So I can't promise you sunshine tomorrow
Because what happens if it's still raining when I wake up
Will you still want to be with me?

He says well ...
no one would

And the light drizzle coming from my eyes
turned into a thunderstorm
Of thoughts crashing into each other like
how dare he
and he's right
and when it rains it pours
And being given the ultimatum of
be happy
Or die alone
feels a lot like getting struck by lightning

He says I just can't deal with this **** anymore

I didn't realize you were the one dealing with it
I'm sorry my rain clouds were getting you wet
Never once have you offered me room under
your - I assume - tiny umbrella
But I can still see the glow of your cigarette
so I don't know what you're complaining about
when I'm chain-smoking soaked tobacco
to try and fill my lungs with tar
instead of water

He says it's all in your head

But my head is barely above the waters
and I can hardly breathe
you wonder why I can't talk to you about it
but it's not as easy as it seems
I know you know that I know how to swim
But that's not an excuse to not throw me a life jacket anyways

He says when I got mono
I was depressed to and I got through it

And I will get through this
but depression is not just a bad day
your happiness came back with your health
Your disease has died but mine still survives
And is a friend of mine on Facebook
And I don't know why
somedays the sun shines
and other days I see my memories
playing in the puddles in the street

He says but you know I would never do that to you

And I do know that
The odds of living through another tsunami
When I've already lived through two is enough to make me not want to take a shower again
Let alone be with a guy I think will throw me back into the waves

He says happiness is a decision you make

But everyone knows
no matter how much you may want to
You can't change the weather

He says did he hit you
because you wouldn't let him leave to?

FEMINISM

Men will ask you what you need feminism for
When they already allow you to vote
and buy you drinks at the bar
Well let me spell it out for you
When we leave that bar

F is for fingers
Laced between house and car keys
Intricately
The mace laying at the top of your purse
Because even walking to your car is risky
F is for fearing for your life
From 7 pm to 7 am every night

E is for embarrassing
Because that's what feminism is
It's ******* embarrassing when you even have to tell your boyfriend
If he ever laid a hand on you
You would leave
It's even more embarrassing
When he tries to call your bluff
It's embarrassing that the bottle of Zoloft next to your bed
Looks like weakness to him
Instead of survival

M is for messages
Slid into your DMs
And sometimes if you're lucky enough
The slots on your ******* locker
Telling you how much of a **** you are
Even though at the time
You had only had *** with one guy
And you were already fighting a war
Trying to figure out why it feels
Like you were held against your will
Like you were drafted off a list
You never even meant to be on
But society is telling you (and I quote)
"Well by the looks of your avi...
Clearly you're a *****...
And you were asking for it"

I is for the innocence
That was stolen from me
That he claimed to be
And the verdict he was rewarded for it
The innocent he to this day still thinks he is
Probably because he has my own to make up
For his lack there of
His trophies are turned backwards on his shelf
So that no one can see
Those plaques are addressed to me
I is for he still likes your pictures on instagram

N is for no
Or maybe I should say yes
Since a no is really a yes
As long as she's got on a short dress
The letters N O are written with lines blurred
As long as her words are slurred
She meant to say yes, Im sure
N is for those nike sweatpants
You haven't worn since

I is for the isolation you feel
afterwards even though
This is not the only I in this poem
And I am not alone because

S is for statistics
Stating that 1/3 of the girls in this room
Knows exactly what I'm talking about
And to those girls...
S is for the sorry you will never get to hear
Come out of his ******* mouth
But will find instead leaving your own lips
Far more often than you'd like to admit
It starts all your questions
And ends all your statements
Sorry seems to be your answer for everything

M is for your mom
For loving you and for worrying about you
Moving to clifton because it's so dangerous
She wonders why you're not as scared as she is
Little does she know two boys from the supposedly safe suburbs
Had already beat those clifton thugs to the punch
Mom still doesn't know
Mom might not ever know

So give me my feminism
You've already taken everything else

skies are no longer blue
they sit in a darkness I can't describe
at noon
finding happiness in the dark
is already hard enough
I lost my glasses when you left
now I can't see a tomorrow
my yesterdays are blurred together
in a fog I don't recognize

Two lies:
this is not a poem
I am no longer in love with you

Take it away-
Every emotion and strong-will I possess
throw it out the ******* window, as you jump-
wishing your insides would rot in inverse
as you yell back at me to do something-
but you're already falling to your death
and I can't stop the car because its leading me
to my future and I can't stop time
because I'm not ******* god
and I can't take away the hurt though I wish I ******* could.
I. Can't. Do. Anything. Anymore.
It's funny because these words kiss the page
like an abusive uncle that kissed your mother
against her will but you can't tell anyone
because you're trying to keep what's left of your family together-
It's ink, it's permanent and other people have experienced it to
but not like you, oh **** never like you.
So I take what was mine from the ******* start
and hope I can turn something so tragic
into this thing we like to call art, and poetry
but it seems to me I need a ******* lobotomy
because I don't know what to think or feel or do anymore..
All I know is that I had something once,
held it close to my heart like a pistol
and let everyone witness me playing russian roulette with myself
as the clock strikes game over and the gun is fully loaded
they watch as I pull and pull the trigger until I have nothing left
until blood shed is all over the kitchen floor
and you start to wonder how you're ever going to eat there again
But everyone around you is watching in awe
and saying "let me try".
But little do they know the bloodshed is staining those tiles now
and you're having trouble getting back up....
You left a bloodstain on your new t-shirt
and it kind of represents your blatant disregard
and my foolish naivety thinking things would turn out different.
"Maybe this time, I can help"
but as my face hit the floor and my memory left me
I woke up in a cold sweat, shaky and hazy
and I realized this time was different-
I was shaken up for three days after that
not knowing which house was mine to own
not knowing which words I always chose-
my mind blank on a page for the first time
in weeks, and months and days
you subconsciously shook me
paralyzed with fear, I was crushed by the weight.
So I come to the page that has been my pistol
and put that to my chest once again
but everyone thinks this is just a trend
just something we all do for pretend or therapy-
not me, this is somewhere between mourning and the purgatory.
So take it away, I never had it anyway.

My grandma doesn't come to Christmas dinner anymore
I still remember the last Christmas she showed up to
She told me I was her favorite grandchild
While I'm flattered that's kind of ****** up grandma

So I asked her why
And I don't know what I expected but certainly not
"Because you're my only grandchild"
You see it hit me then that the reason I'm her favorite
Is because she doesn't claim the others

Because her son , my father
Married a white woman
While her daughter , my aunt
Married a black man
And they had her grandchildren
And they had her great grandchildren
But to her they are not family

And it was suddenly clear to me
Why my cousins never came to a single Christmas at my house
So now you're wondering
If my biracial cousins never showed up in the first place
Why did she all of a sudden stop coming

Well it's about 20% because she's old as **** now
And 20% because my brother is adopted
And his two biological sisters come to our Christmas now
And they all have different dads
One white , one black , one Hispanic

And 20% because my brother is engaged to a Muslim woman
And they have the most beautiful tan skinned baby together
And 20% because my other cousins married Asian men
And have you seen a half Asian baby
Because they're ******* adorable
*******

And finally 20% because our Christmas dinner table kind of looks
Like a small scaled globe
With ham on one side , rice on the other ,
and nachos somewhere in between
And we're all sitting together
With all our different shades of skin
And my grandmother does not accept
Anyone's shade but my own
But her own

But we are all beautiful
And we are all family
And there is only one race at my Christmas dinner table
And there is only one race in my world
The human race
And I wish my grandmother could see it that way
I wish the world could see it that way

I wish the world was more like our dinner table
Because chips and salsa is the best appetizer
Because rice is the best side dish
Because loving everyone no matter what they look like
Should come easy
Loving thy neighbor
Loving thy ******* family
Should come easy

And maybe that's why my Christmas looks the way it does
Because we have all been discriminated against
But never at my mothers house
And that's why even though we are not all blood
We are all considered family

I laugh at all of our Christmas cards
While grandma flinches at the sight
But that's fine
Christmas is not about receiving
It's about giving
And my blood family has given many others the chance to be one of us
I hope one day the world looks like my dinner table
And I hope there's nachos
I really hope there's nachos

You look so good sitting on that counter
I hope I don't sound too thirsty
But you just look so amazing in white
and you look even better in red
I can't get you out of my head
I think about you all the time
I need a certain amount of you daily
Some call it an addiction
I call it an infatuation
You have never let me down
Except maybe twice
But in comparison to everyone else
In my life that's pretty good
And the only reason you let me down
those couple of times
was my own fault
for wanting too much of you
I'll try to take you in moderation
But it's just so hard when you're so tempting
you tease me with your body like a bottle
and your lips wear that grape flavored chapstick
Maybe this poem is the last thing I need
To finally be deemed an alcoholic
Because I'm addicted to you baby
And I know you'll never leave me