i keep picking up my pieces,
as if i’m not the one tearing them apart

i struggle to keep my head above water,
but the ground is shallow beneath me

i let the tears flow out of me,
i’m reason they have formed

i blame the world for being so cruel,
knowing i’m the one bringing me down

how is it that “happiness is a choice”,
i’m begging for that option

brutality is my only mentality,
forced onto me by the one i know best

i just wish i could get out of my head.

beating beating beating
a pinch
a rush
a fill
a desire
beating…
beating…
beat-

rushing and flowing
ah, but when you enter
nothing but excitement.

it’s happening again
i’m sinking farther into my bed
i can’t seem to get myself to wash my hair
i don’t even stand in the shower anymore
i let the water fall down my body
i’m just going through the motions again
hoping i’ll just drown in my tears
but i can’t seem to cry
maybe if i leave the laundry on the floor
it’ll pick itself up and get in the washer
maybe if i leave my bed unmade
it’ll eventually make itself
can’t seem to get myself to make food
the hunger pains greet me with open arms
maybe tonight i won’t go home to an empty house
i hope my boyfriend doesn’t get tired of me
i miss my mom again
i’m spending far too long in the bathroom instead of going back out and facing the nothingness
i have somehow trapped myself in again
i really wish it wasn’t happening again

how is it mine when you took it
you were here to love it for me
you certainly did when you could
you couldn’t forget me
you couldn’t forget what you took
you took your own to try to forget mine
but it was mine
it was mine
it was mine
why did you take it
why did you steal the only thing i had
why me
why me
oh how i weeped when you did it
i cried out for help
i cried out
i cried out
i begged for my body
but didn’t know it was gone
i trusted you after you hurt me
you hurt me
you hurt me
now i shake when i think of you
now i cry when i remember you
now i cry
now i cry
i will never know how or why
you took the easy way out
when will i get closure
when will my body be mine
when will my body be mine
when will you give it back.

people stereotype children with innocence
but what is a child with their innocence taken?
merely an adult in the shell of a child.
hello, i’m your average child with the mindset of someone in their mid 40s
my childhood was brief unlike those of my peers.
i knew the troubles and the pain and they didn’t
i knew the pleasures and the mistakes
i knew the wrongs and the rights
i knew the rebuilding and recovery.
i used to cling to what was left of my childhood
now i have finally accepted that it’s over
hello, i’m still your grown-up child.
i understand complex things
i can read a situation faster than that novel you picked up a year ago.
i can find my way out of trouble
i know how to defend myself
i’ve grown up fearing what i knew
i’ve grown up trying to find others like me
i cling to the fellow broken kids
i cling to what i know.

i’m gasping for air in the only place i’m welcome
let me out! let me out!
nobody can hear me screaming!
i’m stuck in this brick box!