I’ll always be right here if you need me


please don’t leave me here

You promised you wouldn’t hurt me like this
You promised you would look out for me
You promised I wasn’t just a body
You promised you wouldn’t use me
You promised you’d stay
You promised you would try

You broke your promise.

Hello Dad
It’s been four months
Did you get my call?
I’m worried about you
I’m sorry I didn’t answer

Hey Dad
I’m sorry I messed up
Please forgive me
It’s been a year
I miss you

Hi Dad
I know you’re struggling
Please call me
You don’t have to be alone
I’m right here

Dad
Pick up the phone
It’s been too long
You’re drowning yourself in beer
I should’ve answered.

I know you never wanted me.
I’m the mistake you couldn’t buy your way out of.
you played the victim for my existence.
you brought me into this broken world.
you could’ve stopped.
countless days at the bar
leaving me home alone.
watching as a new woman
made her way to your bed sheets
time and time again.
hearing the impure things
from a bunk bed in a dark room.
crying and begging to leave.
the only person i trusted was nowhere
mom? mom? where are you?
as my bed turned into the couch
i spent my days watching hours of the news.
i didn’t understand much at 4 years old.
inviting your friends over for drinks
seemed innocent at first, right?
until you left me alone with one of them.
you let him do this.
you left me alone.
i was just a child.
you knew better.
but you simply didn’t care.
you were never the victim.
how’s it feel, dad?

i lay here
i expect the tears to work themselves out
but they refrain from doing so.
time keeps moving
i can feel the days getting shorter.
as i’ve tried to cut it short
it never worked.
the world has its way
of getting what it wants
but yet i’m stuck in feeling
moving through the motions
of the pattern i’m stuck in.
days feel meaningless
but i keep going
as much as i don’t want to.
the feelings i’ve suppressed
have kept themselves contained
until now.
this flood of emotions
feels like i’m drowning
i can hardly keep my head
above the crashing waves
of reality, hardships, and pain.
this empty pain
lurks and stays behind my mind.
the cries for help
are more like whispers for assistance.
i distribute help as if it was overflowing
but i’m the one who needs it most.
i beg for this feeling to end
i beg for a new start or a do over
accepting this hurt has been the worse.
if i could bring back
the joyful little girl
that i once was
maybe things would be different.
it’s time to take back my own life
and replace this empty
with something to fill that void.
i just want to feel something
once again.