It use to be the color of the sea
At the surface, it was light as could be
Calm, like the sky, the sweetest high.
Did it make me see or did it make me believe, the difference is so little it's hard to concede its existence without a little futile resistance. Go deeper, go darker, more intense, feels a little starker. This is the middle, where the cat plays the fiddle. It looks like velvet but feels of familiar cotton. Smells just comfortably rotten. You've almost forgotten the color of the sky... Was that really the sweetest high? Here you can't even feel the time go by. It does however, have quite an annoying why It's festers and pesters occasionally but I cage it with my in sane ity. Pulse drops, blood stops. What happened? I was coming up for air and .... I got pulled deeper into its lair. You look around for he who dare make you victim, with boiling anger the beast gets sicker. You want to hear the heart stopper? The jaw dropper? There is no monster. You weren't pulled in, you fell in. You were blind this entire time, why is reality so unkind? Days turn into years, fear forgets those tears. So unsettled, living a lie, the blackest of kettles. You are at the bottom of the ocean, drank Ursulas  potions, thought it was wine ? Now look what you've left behind. The fruit of life has become a rind. Now what? Will you hold onto your breathe and swim to the top, or is this where it stops ?

I miss how it felt to hold
my life in my lips
How when lit, you instantly became
a passing ship
I miss the power I felt
Breathing in death
Knowing my cards weren't dealt
Not yet
It curled softly through my teeth
And into my lungs
It didn't hurt
Why didn't it hurt
Maybe I just liked how it burnt

It watched the boy
The young boy
The old soul
It saw him
Every part
He had too much
good
He had too much
evil
He saw too much
So he thought too much
The world was too big
And he too small
To conjure up motive to try

It watched the girl
The young girl
The old soul
She had flowers in her hair
And fire in her eyes
She felt too much
she felt too little
She escaped too much
she was too big
And the world too
Little

It saw them both
They were extremes
Happiness was once theirs
In their innocence
In their dreams
Sadness is what they own now
It took over after their 1s, 2s, 3s
It feels permanent
It just might be

It sees them
So it asks them
If you can't be happy
If you don't find that light
If ignorance cannot be bliss
Will it be enough to be content?

They didn't answer

I want to run away
I want to run away
I WANT TO RUN AWAY !!!!!!!

I cant

It's me

I can't run away
I can't run away
I CAN'T RUN AWAY.

What if it isn't enough
What if nothing ever is
What if the pain doesn't go away
What if I don't find the light
What if I hurt you
What if I hurt everyone
What if I'm too weak
What if I go mad
What if I'm always alone
What if I can't get up again

What if I took too many pills
What if slit my wrists and let the blood spill
What if I pulled the trigger
Or kicked the chair
Would I find the answer there ?

I wake up in the morning and remind myself that I am not mourning any more
I get myself out of bed and try to get out of my own head
I look at my reflection as I get dressed and tell myself it is perfection
I eat my breakfast without stepping on the scale that kept me restless
I name the people who care as I brush out my knotty hair
I remember all the reasons worth living for as grudgingly step out the door
I let the ***** air fill my chest and find reassurance in that one day my pain will be at rest

Try harder
I tell myself