13
first kiss
with a boy
man?
drinks in our
blood..
so
young....

14
second base
groped me
high on
hate
so
numb

15
our lips
weren't used
for kissing
I've had enough
so
done

16
self respecting
and confident
loving...
finally
so
happy

17
Just kidding
That was a dream
a temporary fantasy
Torn by real love

17.5
Real love
What I would give
To not know your
Sweetest remedy
20
Love within myself
Is the sweetest I have known

Just another night
Of drunk
*******
And shity
Poems

But hell
I should at
least go to bed
Wishing you
all well

It use to be the color of the sea
At the surface, it was light as could be
Calm, like the sky, the sweetest high.
Did it make me see or did it make me believe, the difference is so little it's hard to concede its existence without a little futile resistance. Go deeper, go darker, more intense, feels a little starker. This is the middle, where the cat plays the fiddle. It looks like velvet but feels of familiar cotton. Smells just comfortably rotten. You've almost forgotten the color of the sky... Was that really the sweetest high? Here you can't even feel the time go by. It does however, have quite an annoying why It's festers and pesters occasionally but I cage it with my in sane ity. Pulse drops, blood stops. What happened? I was coming up for air and .... I got pulled deeper into its lair. You look around for he who dare make you victim, with boiling anger the beast gets sicker. You want to hear the heart stopper? The jaw dropper? There is no monster. You weren't pulled in, you fell in. You were blind this entire time, why is reality so unkind? Days turn into years, fear forgets those tears. So unsettled, living a lie, the blackest of kettles. You are at the bottom of the ocean, drank Ursulas  potions, thought it was wine ? Now look what you've left behind. The fruit of life has become a rind. Now what? Will you hold onto your breathe and swim to the top, or is this where it stops ?

I use to protect you
stepped on eggshells
around you

I would lie
for you
lie to you
I'd put you
before me

hate who you
hated
loved who you
loved

I tried to save you
I sacrificed my life
my emotions
morals
all
for
you

turned out
I broke you
even more
than before
and I broke
myself
too

I made you
think yourself
more than
you are
and made myself believe
it too

I blinded you
with good
intentions
and hurt myself
with bad
ones

my friend
I am very sorry
I killed you
with love
and fixed
myself with
hate

Gold streaks
Glittering in the sun
Blinding me

I want to hold her hand
Rest my head on her heartbeat
I want to see her laugh
Make her laugh
I want to kiss her cheek
So she knows it's not just her
Lips I seek

But all I see is gold
Beautiful gold
Running away from me

I want to love her
She makes me feel
Like the person I've
Always wanted to be

Gold
I'm entangled in gold
And I've never been more free

I've yet to taste
The sweetness
Of your love
For the fear
Of always
Wanting
More

I want sunflowers and razzels
Not chocolate and roses
I want to dance in the sun
Not kiss in the rain
I want a love
Not a valentine

I want to run away
I want to run away
I WANT TO RUN AWAY !!!!!!!

I cant

It's me

I can't run away
I can't run away
I CAN'T RUN AWAY.

I look at you
Into those
Blue green
Eyes

I feel it

The feeling

The indescribable
Heart racing
Heart stoping
Feeling

You smile and
It spreads across
My lips like a
Sweet disease

There's no doubt
my love for you is real

My lies use to fill my mind
I use to shove them aside
My icy interior
Could never hear
The lies screaming
And teasing
So I smiled on
Believing my guilt was gone

Now my lies
Aren't afraid to hide
They burn my soul
Try to eat me whole
Their silence is loud
And they sit very proud
That they made me see
Just how mean I can be

you grew up with a lot of
mommy didn't love me issues
and sooner than later
you ran out of tissues

smothering yourself in hate
you grew too afraid to change
take that leap of faith?

now your problems are
too deep
too old
to fix

its too late

you are a permanent creation
of your past situation
and even though your
bones are older
3rd generation
I grew from your
mistakes
learned
the better path
to take

I hate to say I don't miss you
but its true
I miss the person
I thought was you

but she died
along with my innocence
goodbye childhood blindness
life slapped me with a cold
and abrupt
"*** you grew up"

So with everlasting love
I say a final goodbye
bittersweet maybe
but sitting alongside
our closeted skeletons
is necessary pain

still
you need to
know that
your oblivious arrogance
wasn't in vain
your sacrifice
contributed to the evolution
of our souls
and in retrospect
it was worth the
overpriced toll

It watched the boy
The young boy
The old soul
It saw him
Every part
He had too much
good
He had too much
evil
He saw too much
So he thought too much
The world was too big
And he too small
To conjure up motive to try

It watched the girl
The young girl
The old soul
She had flowers in her hair
And fire in her eyes
She felt too much
she felt too little
She escaped too much
she was too big
And the world too
Little

It saw them both
They were extremes
Happiness was once theirs
In their innocence
In their dreams
Sadness is what they own now
It took over after their 1s, 2s, 3s
It feels permanent
It just might be

It sees them
So it asks them
If you can't be happy
If you don't find that light
If ignorance cannot be bliss
Will it be enough to be content?

They didn't answer

Maybe I love too much

I thought
Hate
Was like chickenpox
Now I think it's more like
******

What if it isn't enough
What if nothing ever is
What if the pain doesn't go away
What if I don't find the light
What if I hurt you
What if I hurt everyone
What if I'm too weak
What if I go mad
What if I'm always alone
What if I can't get up again

What if I took too many pills
What if slit my wrists and let the blood spill
What if I pulled the trigger
Or kicked the chair
Would I find the answer there ?

I live in a house
that is not a home
and never will be
my mother tries to understand why
why do you not feel at home?
what did we do wrong?
well to tell you the truth

the walls feel confining
but it was not the architects mistake

the rooms seemed unloved
unlived in
but not because you didn't
love me

the floor seems to ache like my bones
but that isn't because the home is old

I feel uncomfortable in this house
you tried so hard to make a home
because to me
home is where your heart lies
and my heart roams
free

my home is the trees
and the sun
the cool breeze
the warm soft dirt
the sun baked raspberries
and chewed up sweet peas

my home is the
tears that have fallen
the lessons that were learned
(repeatedly)
the smiles that we have shared
laughs and snorts
love and hate

my home is the world
and this house is indeed
a part of the earth
but my dearest mother
it will never be my home.

Loving an addict comes with a price
It NEVER gets easier watching someone
Blindly commit suicide

I wake up in the morning and remind myself that I am not mourning any more
I get myself out of bed and try to get out of my own head
I look at my reflection as I get dressed and tell myself it is perfection
I eat my breakfast without stepping on the scale that kept me restless
I name the people who care as I brush out my knotty hair
I remember all the reasons worth living for as grudgingly step out the door
I let the ***** air fill my chest and find reassurance in that one day my pain will be at rest

Try harder
I tell myself

Even when I've
Nothing to say
I write

Is it true
That if I wish to love you
Eventually I'll loathe you too?

Is it true
All my prayers
Just fill up empty air?

Is it true
Life is a grand game
Only won with the cost of pain?

Is it true
That you are I
And I are you?

Is it true
That the truth
Is never true?

I stare at you
from across the room
We're friends but the line is somewhat blurred
By stupid words said in the wisest of times
I fell in lust with you but you didn't lust me too
So I sold my innocence upon a man who didn't know what he had taken
Now I'm left without the crave of touch but instead the need for love
And undeniably true
I still look to you

My chest hurts as I inhale the smoke
But the nicotine lifts a greater pain
Something born in my darkest of days
I sit on my roof
Looking out at the stars
Listening to the endless
stream of far away cars

There is something inside my soul
Thick, black, cynical and cold
But without it I would not be whole

I've tried to burn it and bury it
But relentlessly it conquered me
And not until I decided
To befriend it did I see
When I refused to acknowledge
It's existence, it was all that existed
And when I invited it in
It sat by the fire an listened

Sometimes we bicker and
Hate each other
It really likes to play with
My ticker
Most of the time I win
And it becomes as small
As a pin
Yet occasionally it demands it's
Turn to be
And I let it envelop me like a sea
We both have thrones
But sometimes I have to bow
And let it marinate my bones

Come away with me


To the mountains?
To the sea ?

Come away with me


On an adventure?
Somewhere new?

Come away with me
She whispered

To the moon?

She didn't go anywhere
Not to the mountains
Not to the sea
No adventure
Nowhere new
She never even
Tried to touch
The moon

So where to?

Come away with me

In the deepest parts of my love
In the darkest places of my heart
To the endless expanse of thought
To the world inside
Don't move

Come away with me
She begged

To the place you never knew

I know one day I will have to let go
I know one day
I will have to say Goodbye
And day by day I'll tell myself
I'll be ready
That we can just be happy
With the time we have left
But I know that one day
When the goodbyes come
I will cry forever
For the future we didn't have
And smile for the past we did
But the need to hold on
And the inability to let go
Will hurt more than anything
Because that one day
And for all days
I will love you.

My heart melts for the
blue sky and sunshine
My nose tingles at
the smell of rain
My lungs fill with the sweet
air of flowers and trees
I am Me

She cringes at sunlight and sees blue skies dull
The rain reminds her to reminisce in the pain
The air makes her lungs feel empty
She is she

People are incredible even in catastrophe
Life is wonderful even when we cannot see
And love dances with hate oh so gracefully
I am Me

People are people
People are pain
Life is pain
As long as you're
a player of its game
Love is a victim of hate
The meek shadow
In its sugary fame
She is she

I am beautiful
A piece of a puzzle
Good and evil
But still the same shuttle
I am both the rainbow and puddle
I am Me

She is ugly and wicked
Rightfully so
Karma for all those she sickened
And when grace falls she knows she will not be ripe for the pickin
She is she

I was once ill
So I took a few
Few more pills
I was once dark
Comfortably so
So I let the roots grow
I was once lost
Buying unfinished maps
At a foolish cost
I was once she
But she was never Me

I love this time of year
seducing the nights of November
faintly hearing my past self praying to my present
most of my skin bare, colliding with the falls frosty air
I can see the stars but feel the effortless boundaries of gravity
pounding
yet its somewhat comforting knowing I am contained

I become more human than spirit
with senses intact
and in truth, it feels good, feels present
to have the soul and mind separated

my human wrappings can still inhale the world and feel the touch of the dead
but it suppresses eternity
suffocates the inner philosopher that analyzes everything as more than known..seen

it hears the time ticking, senses the warmth of the clocks arms
feels the weight of the choices

In my present self, in my flesh, my skin
I can feel the beautiful ecstasy

of simply

sitting on my rooftop

and drinking white wine.

She sees the souls
In the flowers and trees
Hears the music
In jingling keys
She can find the light
In your black eyes
Accepts the need
Of ruthless lies
She sees the world
Yin yang
When all seems different
Nothing really changed
She sees beauty in
Everything
And everyone
All is perfection
So why do her
Rose colored eyes
Always cry
Upon her reflection

There is this thing
It's a grey thing
A plain thing
A thing for all
Things
Well...
All beings

For some
This thing
Is the wind beneath
Their wings

For others its a ring

From a store
Or a *****

Maybe it's that thrill which
Shakes them to the core

Or the candies they take
Before they end up on
... That one guys floor.
What the hell happened
Before ?

This thing can be many things
But one thing about this thing
Is it .. Confuses many beings.

And confused beings like
To have an opinion about things.

Some think the thing is a bad thing
Some think the thing is a good thing
But
If I've learned anything
About things
It's that
Your thing is a thing
Black white
Or grey
Every being has the same thing
And what you got to think about
Your thing is not if the thing is bad or good but if the the thing is bad or good for your being

Therapists
Psychologists
Pill popping
Prescription lists
Cars pulling in
People coming out
Parents
Children
Strangers and friends
Love and hate
Painted across their face

Help

Give it take it

Here we are all vulnerable
A band on our arm
A mark on our face
Insecurities aren't invisible in a self help parking lot

Bulimics naw their lips in harmony
Depressed teens exchange empty glances
Worried parents sympathize in pen clicks
Anxiety covers us all in musical foot taps

we are all lost
we are all hurt

Unity
Is what I found
In the self help
Parking lot

isn't a guilty pleasure
its just pleasure
so ignite my
animal instinct
and let it
burn

You are a light
And while you
Might not be able
To see yourself
And how bright
You truly shine
Everybody else can
So when you look out
Into the darkness
That surrounds you
Notice the glow
That softens the
Darkness wherever
You go
Then remember
You're even brighter
Than you're halo
And even when you've
Turned off
You're still a light
That's meant to
Be bright

Piercing hot water
Stabs my flesh
But no matter how
Hard I scrub
I can't get it of my
Chest
I tried bathing
In bleach
But it just burned
It in deeper
I tried bowing my
Head and ask
For forgiveness
But all I got was
Mumbled words in
A silent deliverance
I opened the
Darkness in the
Holes of my heart
Remembering the evil
In hopes I could
See it as painful art
But no matter how
Hard I try
I cannot purge
Myself of my oldest
Addiction
And I know it's time
To hand myself my own
Conviction