It starts with a smile
It always starts with a smile.
I smile because I'm friendly,
and people like friendly...
Right?
Right...
People love friendly.
[Men] love friendly.
Because apparently,
Friendly equates to easy.

And so it begins.

"Hey, you seem cool,
We should hang out sometime."
Say the boys (men?) boys
In my class,
At work,
At parties.
"Okay!" I say,
Because he's cute, or funny, or smart, or possibly just
Different
From all the others.
And sometimes he is.
But sometimes...

You get to his house
To "hang out"
Because that's what people do apparently,
They "hang out"
Ask me on a date?
Laughable
I don't know that it has ever happened.
But tthey have no problem inviting me to hang.

And I go along with it.
Because we all want someone, something
And maybe this is just the way things work for my generation...
Right?

And once you get to the house
You're invited to sit on the couch.
Relax
Smoke
Have a drink
"I thought we'd watch a movie or somethin'"
...or somethin'

So the movie begins (because why get to know each other?)
And suddenly
It becomes less about the movie, and more
About the somethin'
I'm not asking for somethin'

Regardless of my nose ring,
The jokes I make,
The drinks I had,
The dresses I wear,
And the fact that I agreed to watch a movie,
"or somethin'"
I didn't come here for somethin'
I'm not asking for somethin'

"No, let's just watch the movie."

He just moves close,
Pours another drink.
When I take a sip,
His hands begin to roam.

"Seriously, no thanks."

I think about leaving but...
This is just how guys are.
Or so I've been told.

"It's no big deal. Come on. You're being a *****."

Maybe I am being ridiculous.
For some reason I feel bad. But still.
I'm not asking for somethin'

"No."

Apparently, at this point,
No
Is not an option.

"You want this too. I like you."

The fight for territory begins,
A battle I quickloy lose.
Or resign myself to?
Maybe...I asked for this?
No. I'm not asking for somethin'

Shame. Anger. I walk out alone.
How did I let this happen

AGAIN?

Guilt. Then rage.

And this time, I refuse to play the victim.
I refuse to blame myself, to keep taking this,
Because "that's just how guys are."

I didn't ask for this.
I NEVER did.

Providing drinks and entertainment doesn't mean I owe you somethin'

My dress doesn't mean I'm asking for somethin'

I am done feeling responsible,
Keeping silent,
Blaming myself.

When did men start believing that
my smile
means I'm asking for somethin'?

I'm asking for something
Not
Somethin'

There he sat
right across from me
under my roof
uninvited
His presence alone triggered a rage
that before him was never known
His words slithered from his lips
Far from anything genuine
hanging in the air heavily
incessantly striking and pressing me
and I flinched at the notion he's been here for years
I saw him before through my families tears
It's surely the game that I oppose
but when you can put a name to it
this illusion grows
that you could take the life from it...

There's a storm in my mind
And fire in my heart

Dear God,
The road ahead is paved with uncertainty
And I'm in danger of being uncertain

I left words for someone
A bread-crumb trail of emotion
To which I ended up re-following

Bleed my heart dry
Fresh dried meat
Jerky
Fruits of my loom
Plumbs

I'm confused
I'm worried
I'm excited
I'm on fire

Don't put me out
I want to go down
In a blaze of glory

perpetually human,
romanticizing the madness
of a world that's come undone.
oil paintings of the sea
hang upon the walls of our minds
and we marvel at the sorrow
mimicking beautiful colors.

cryptic fingers stroke our egos
and tell us that we will persevere,
that we are the ******
of evolutionary prose.
lunar rays beam down on us,
shrouding us in a gentle glow
and we almost believe
that we could be infinite.

And I’ll be thinking of you when the sky turns grey,
with nothing left to say I'll be walking away
Cause you never took the time to stay.
It was a winter to remember that december but the snow has faded and the stars have moved.
And so have I, I've moved mountains for a love that ended before it begun.
One day I'll be thinking of you,
Maybe then you'll be thinking of me too.

Sometimes I stare at the inevitability of life
As if it were a seed in my hand

I know that I’m not quite what you desired
I’m here, and I’m tired

A seed in your hand
Inevitably

I could write you a world
A world that we’d never leave
But a jailer, I’d be
Keeping you in words and not allowing you life
I know, to an extent, what you say
Is not what you mean

I saved myself
Took the blame for the entirety
Curb-stomped remedies by witchdoctors
Satanic dealings in secret
Satan steals away in darkness

This wasn’t to scare you
I want to remind you
As we sit on the curbside
A seed in the hand
Of a King
What we have the ability to create
Is beyond the imaginings I could write
Beyond the world I could bring about

We are not as lost as we think
Collective thoughts scream otherwise
As cars still fail to touch the skies
We are not as lost as we think
We are not as lost as we think