7.9% numbs my brain
but i'm still thinking of you
oil and knives
are what you've given me
and i sit and stare
and think of you
erase your love soul
from my memory
i can't live like this anymore
slit and red and drip
slit and red and drip
at least i feel
surface pain
it's easier
than c-sitting
curled over with
sickening
pangs

Box cutter to skin
Stop!
But the lights are screaming
The corners become razors
The stars even hurt my eyes
And the voices are vices to my head
My skin becomes a prison
My vessels and veins are clawing to get out
Misfiring neurotransmitters, the doctors say
Swallow this cocktail of pretty pills and you'll feel fine
Pastels of pink and yellow and green
Swallow them daily, I do
But still the world screams and cuts at me
I want dark and cool and peace
This world does not understand
It hurls at me
Throwing knives and swords as I sprint away
Box cutter to skin
Peace as the stress drips down my arm
Dark as it drips faster
Cool, peace and dark

"Drink me!” “Eat me!”
You messed up little girl
Stop fidgeting, You talk too much
You're crying all the time
You're spiraling down that rabbit hole
We can't save you every time
"Drink me!” "Eat me!”
You can't continue this way
You sleep too much
You don't sleep enough
You talk of suicide
"Drink me!” “Eat me!”
They'll surely help
Anything is better than you right now
Oops, the green one makes you way too high
So take this blue one too
This yellow one keeps the blade away
Better take two of those
The little white dots keep the pounds away
Don't mind your tingling toes
The big white oval keeps your muscles loose
From that miracle yellow dose
Lastly, these aqua discs will melt your fears away
You'll sleep like a baby every night
And keep our pain away
"Drink me!” “Eat me!”
Become normal again!
It's simple chemistry
Just wash these down when the time is right
And we'll never have to worry again
I'll never be a worry again

Metal wire wrapped 'round; barbs and ******
Compressed, depressed breathing
And, and panic
And I tell myself, it will be all right, and I tell myself to just breathe
Breathe deep
I console and cajole
I convince and soothe
I am an iron rod
On my own
By myself
Me

Why does my soul feel hollow?
Why is it difficult to breathe?
Why is it bile that I swallow?
When it's only you I see

I want to fill my soul
With petals of pink and green
And have an aura of gold
Surrounding me, heaven-serene

But your eyes melt like wax
My warm and giving heart
My white flag stands at half-mast
You pull and tear me apart

I'm standing at a crossroads
If I stay, I'll wilt like a rose
Or, I can choose to run far away, down paths and unknown roads
And hope and pray that it all will end in lyrical, elegant prose

a turn of the head
an accidental brush of lip
on lip
of breast on chest
and breath on breath
eyes lock
retina lock
hand on thigh
hand on waist
breathe
yes?
no...
please?
go...go...before I think, just go
and do
heat, hot, breath on breath
hard and soft
don't think
just do
feel
be
two
one

Britney Spears moment
I had
Now I know
What she didn't have
Was a gatekeeper
Someone telling her
No
Don't do it
You'll regret it
Wait
I almost cut off my hair today
Almost cut it off
Almost cut my arm today
That was a secret, tho
Cutting my hair is safer
So, why not?
I wonder
Did Britney
Cut herself too?

it isn't like you didn't know, ash and coal spilling from your mouth
like a stone pit the day after a campfire; cold, dead, acrid, gray
but still you want to pry it out of me
reach deep down into my throat
you know i protect it there
too painful to release
but you pry and you never know when to stop
and you never know when enough is enough
bright red stop signs
neon red lights
you waltz right through them
charm your way past
nothing deters, and so i curl up again
a tight, miniature rosebud
vulnerable, tiny thorns
your over-sized hands tear right through
you tear through
and your tearing through breaks me
it breaks it all

You grabbed my wrists that day
Shook me and asked, why!?
I answered and answered again
Then you left
You walked out the door
I hated myself for hating you
Everything collapsed at once
You were just one of the columns holding me up
But you were the final column
And I collapsed
I couldn't see the light anymore
There was no more light in the darkness
So I grabbed the shiniest thing I could find
And slid down to the floor
The shiniest and sharpest thing I could find
Grasped tightly in my hands
You walked back in that day
Even though I hated you,
You walked back in
I hated you, but you loved me
You were a column collapsed on the floor
Next to me, gently pulling me back into the light

Petal-soft lip
Dancing tips
Handprint on my undulating hip
Twist my hair
Ember in your stare
Circle me like a piece so rare
Arms praise the sky
Worshipping my thigh
trailing up my stardust side
Silken-scarf wrapped 'round my waist
Gliding up my ******* posthaste
Hands are proud, anything but chaste
Confident, urgent, pressing on
Convincing me what's right, what's wrong
Your long black hair, Samson's song
Mind is spinning, tripping, slipping
All I feel is your heart and breathing
Nothing's holding me back from giving
Rhythm, fast, space, beat
Touch, glide, hot, heat
Two heavenly bodies collide and meet

Disembodied, hovering, floating to her chair
I guess that's the only way I could have made it there
I don't recall walking down the hall
And opening her door
But soon I sat, zombie-like
Staring at the floor
Her brown eyes scanning, studying
Prying for some more
More to the story than what she saw
walking through that door
Soon the tears rained down my face
My mouth refused to move
The words, cotton, in my throat
Stuck to tell the tale
Only solution left to do
Was lift the cotton veil
The silence, thick, lay in the room
As slowly I unfold
And bared my story
Red and slashed,
with words Still left untold
I lifted my gaze and met her eyes
Scared of what I'd see
Detached alarm
Reaching for my arm
Questions raining down
When and how and why and what?
Do you want to do it again?
I slowly nodded up and down
We have two solutions then
Go to the hospital right away
I recommend you do
Or call a sister or a friend
To watch you
24 and 7
What the hell brought me to this place
You maybe ask yourself
Imbalances, and life and the loss of love
Neurotransmitters and pain
Wrong medicines and hate and grief
The fear of burdening my friends
My days go by
Both good and bad
I'm up and then I'm down
I dream of a girl in red and blood
Then a girl with gold and pearls
I dream of crashing head and on to end the pain and strife
Then think about the beauty ahead that's sure to come to life
Balance is a word I long to reach
It's far and foggy now
I hope one day it will sit and stay
And I'll be just like you, my friend
Exactly like you, my friend

you sit there
small, but so large
quiet, but with a novel of words written all over your face
folded in, but crying out
a man, but still a little boy
my little boy
rebelling against this curse on your mind
alone in your misery
i'm here, i'm trying so hard to understand
i feel your pain
your pain is my own sickness
your misery is my misery
there is light at the end
there is lightness to the weight you're feeling right now
let me lift the weight for a while
let me carry it until we find the answer
i'm searching so hard for the answer
until then, please let me carry some of it
i'll make it my weight and my burden
my own curse
until it's solved

day-lily at night
just before the crack of dawn
neo-soft petals
curled up
hesitantly
unraveling
undulating
as i unfold
in the muted sunstream
gently awakening
to the world
with soft sighs
and quiet hopes for the day

Toss it down
Another round
Drink so you won't think
Dull your senses
Numb your skull
Heat your cold, stone veins
Spinning,
Warming
Sipping,
Burning,
It will all be over soon
Drink so you won't think
Then start it all over again

A deep, red reminder of a night so black
Caught between two psychopaths
All I wanted was a little peace
But the two simply would not agree
Take it out on them, you might
My remedy? Get out the knife
Anger, pain and desperation
All turned inward, self aggression
Exhausted by the constant fight
Two deep cuts in my arm that night
Solution, ideation, imagination?
Two grown men and their ego fascinations?
Exhausted by the constant fight
I should probably turn in this ******* knife

poetry isn't love
true poetry isn't false love-words
poetry is the ugly, folded in with the beauty, entwined with the sordid, enveloped by the twisted, laced with light and dewy pontifications on what life and love want to be, sometimes are and more often, will never be.
enough with your over-the-top, Shakespearean dronings-on...tell me how you really feel.

It's fine
It's all just ******* fine
I'm fine
I'm really ******* fine
My heart is a trampled, stomped on mess
I sprint and weave to get away from the rest
I pray and curse and wish and sigh
I dream and come and sleep and cry
I sip and gulp to steep the highs
And image a simpler, healthier life

baffled
bruised
wasted
burning inside
vascillating between
hiding
or running
with full armor on
straight into the storm
afraid of
what is to come
but
wanting it just over already
praying for
mercy
when the storm
hits
show
no
fear

She sits
And stares
Blank
Turns to the left
Turns to the right
Cold
Alone
No one
There
She sits
And stares
She wants
A warm
She wants
A beat
A heart beat
Warm
Held
Right there
But no
She sits
Alone
And stares
People
Here
People
There
But alone
She sits
And stares
Cross leg-ged
Cold head-ed
All alone
They flit
To the left
They flit
To the right
But no one
Sees her there
She wants
A beat
A heart
Beat
Warm and
Pulsing
There
But alone
She sits
And
Stares
How can
One
With
So many
Others
Be so
All
Alone?
She sits
In a box
A self-made
Box
And revels
In the
Dark
Yearns for
Love
And warmth
And peace
But chooses
Night
Instead

And she sat
Still as a stone
Rigid in her responsibility
Focused
Blocking the rif and the raff
Bouncing in and out of her eyesite
She sat
Alone, stoic
Knowing...
More than she should ever have to know
Like a rung
On a ladder
Her mother clinging on
She is the ground
Grounded
She sits

My daughter
Strong,
Proud, and alone

Amethyst dew drop
Eyelash down
Full lip up-turned
Pink, glossy, round
Glitzy green sheen
On my half moon lid
Prism bright stud
Like the Luxor crown
Slightly levitating
Pierced, royal, proud
Skin luminating
Glowing from within
Golden, honey, brown sugar
Streams of gold and brown
I dance like a moonbeam
I dance like the sun
I dance like a star in flight
I dance on the run
I won't let a single man
Take this glow from me
He did it once
He did it twice
Three times
Shame on me

And her lips were swollen
Pink-red
Eyes like glass
And gleaming
With
A secret
She wouldn't share
Aphrodite
Venus
And a little bit of
Angelina
She knows
And her eyes
Are knowing
Showing so little
Of the glowing secret
She holds
You want to know
To know
What secrets
She holds

I
Just
Took
That
Extra
Pill
You
Told
Me
To
Take
Will
I
Die
Or
Will
I
Wake
I
Drank
What
I
Was
Not­
Supposed
To
Drink
Now
Pills
And
Alcohol
Mix
To
Sink
Within
My
So­ul
A
Drop
To
Think
I'm
Dead
I
Think
Good
Night
A
Wink
Or
Twelve
O­r
100
Or
Forever
Winks
I
Love
You
HP
You
Saved
Me
Many, many
Winks
You'll know
If I
Survived
If you
Hear
From me
Again
Xo
I love you
More
Than
You
Will
Know

I flit
And
Flicker
Too close to the flame
I want to burn
Alluring
Burning
I want
To burn
Heat and
Hot
Searing
And pain
Yellow-orange
Red and blue
Black and blue
Pain
Pain, I know
Pain is good
I want
And want...

Stiff and tense I sit
Hunched over words, words about money, loss
With and without
Honed
Razored
Bent and
Focused
Then you brush me
Ever so gently
Touch me
The words, once so important, become unfocused
I struggle to reign them
Tame me
Put them in their place
But you sniff and prowl
Lift and pull
The razor softens
My body
Controlled by a magnet
Deep in the center
Raises and weeps
Bucks and leaps
At the brilliant touch
Of a man in heat

You weave cobwebs
With your smooth words
With your touch and kiss
You hope to wipe away
The memory of how
You chose it over me
And still choose over me
Pursue like a lover
You can't seem to get enough of
And I'm jealous as hell
And sick to my stomach
Disbelieving that
A high means more to you
Than me

Always on the surface
just on the edge
ready to spill
over
emotions always boiling
bubbling
churning
strong ocean waves
spinning
coiling
curling
waiting
must hold them in
deep in
hide
protect
so noone sees
always hiding them
so noone sees
my secret

Hummingbird whispers
Hang in the air
I sit alone with a daz-ed stare
Alone, but voices all around
They suffocatingly surround
I hear hums of hospitals
And whispers of home
I don't speak hummingbird!
I scream in the air
Just leave me alone
And let me drown
Drown in my black cloud filled with rain
This skin is numb and craves only pain
They stand there glancing with sideways eyes
Speaking their language
Planning my demise
Don't they understand?
I want only one thing
To erase the black cloud by filling it with pain
Pain, I can handle, pain, I understand
This black, numbing cloud makes no sense to me
If I could just be left alone to cut it free!

You poke and **** and spear and rant
You stab and smear and spike and blaze
You glare and burn and ***** and peel
And I 'm done with your acrid, scouring gaze
I'm done with your lies and cheating way
I'm done with your lifting, lofty speech
And your hubris, cheap and tinny speak
I give and gave and bled and wept
I toiled and tapped and printed and prepped
And now there is nothing
There's nothing left

they're in here
all inside
butterflies
crows
sparrows
flutter against my ribcage
like it's a prison wall or something
but it's just my humanity
not a jail cell
but they flutter, flit, spiral, fly
like they're trapped
it's not a true prison
they could escape
float and spread outside
somewhere beyond me
but I trap them
keep them trapped
deep in my center
afraid to let them out
fully free them
afraid of what others will think
they'll judge
I know they will
so, fearfully I keep them
"protect" them
I say
protection is another word for
oppression
but, protection sounds better
so, they're protected
deep inside the core and center
of me
amy thinks she knows me
jill thinks I'm a straight and narrow chick
kathy's sure I'm that certain type
but
the wild, flying beasts
deep, deep inside
are olive, scarlet, black, pear
earthy, volatile, scattered, rare
ever so rare
and hidden
hide, I feel I must
until
one
breaks
through
the wall I've worked so hard to build
inevitable
inevitably
one will
escape
free

and you kept talking
and weeping
and telling me how sad you were
how you destroyed our family
how you can't believe you've done all the things you did
how all you want is your family back
you said this with tears in your eyes
tears falling down your face
and i looked at our son
closed in the back seat of your truck
dimple caving into his sweet smiling cheek
clueless, deaf to the words spilling out of  your mouth
you said you think i tune out at times
tune out when you're talking about these important, meaningful things
things you keep talking about, ranting about
and i looked again at our son, dimp-ly smiling in the back of the truck
so i put a red trader joe's bag over my head
tuned completely out
did a little dance
waved goodbye to darling little Tanner
tuned out until the next time
tuned out and walked away

Broken girl
Folded over the curb
Neon pink wig
Halo on her head
Vomiting in the street
"Lose a contact?"
A smart *** says
Lost
She has lost more than that
Vodkas, beers, lemon drops
Spin her head
Completely around
Sea salt spray
Mists on her lips
Clears her mind
For a brief moment
Memories try to sneak back in
But the liquor swirls them away
******* on unsteady feet
Jostles her way
Back into the Riptide
Crowded with Halloween revelers
Sits, then slips off the
Retro bar stool
Asks for more punishment in a glass
Anything to make the pain push away
Even if just for a few hours
She's now had her fill
Halo a bit askew
Pink wig in place
Friends gather 'round
She's incapable of walking
Arms around each other
They make the long journey home
She gratefully passes out
On the cool, crisp sheets
Oblivious to the pain for several more hours
Avoided until she wakes up
To the cold, hard truth
There's no escaping it now

lie to me
like you do
so beautifully
I'll believe
because I want to believe
draw the lacy-love-shades
over my knowing eyes
for a little while longer
it's easier to go on believing
than to face the piercing
awful
truth

Stained-glass Jesus
Third-eye light
Glinting silver metal
Blinding my sight
Fourth-of-July light show
Lighting up my mind
Pinball bounces
Side to side
Gripping the nightstand
Walking across the floor
Lightening bolts zagging
Green colors and more
All this light and color
Is just too much sometimes
Even when I close my eyes
It's always me they find

little girl
hands and knees
traipsing up the rooftop
eyes so wild
orchid child
searching for a home
tears on tips
fingers lit
clawing, clinging on
words are sought
mind is lost
peace has come and gone

caved in
my gut
gurgling
to the sounds
of my worry
wound tight
***** of yarn
roll
around
and roll
sharp triangles
shape my back
but round my shoulders
all at once
rounded but sharp
all at once
steel cords
pull at my spine
spring from my neck
down to my waist
worry
beyond words
learn to breathe
i must
before
i
lose
my
mind

Do you ever feel
Like the words are stuck,
So much you want to say?
But you allowed someone
To break the connection
Between your soul and fingers?
Do you ever feel
So pushed and pulled
By other's emotions
You forget which ones
Are truly your own?
Are you so compelled
To give and give to others
You whither in the drought
That's left behind?
Boundaries, boundaries are
So hard for me to find.
They're invisible laser beams
Protecting a fine jewel.
I can't see them.
I clumsily make my way through.
I allow others to determine my path.
Where is the strength
I felt two years ago?
Will it ever return?
Until then, I swing from here to there,
Tripping, slipping along the way.
Searching for the strength I knew
Before my world was turned upside-down.

cotton batting fills my frontal lobes
i'm too dry to weep
you charge at me
your head a mallet
your fists restrained hammers at your sides
"you getting ready to go out?"
you say
my eyes are soul-less, flat and gray
as I turn to you
my jaw opens, then closes
opens and closes
words weave in and out of the cotton batting
and stick there
"you getting ready to go somewhere?"
you say
flames fill my chest and the words are pushed and spill out
in monotone, with mercury dripping down my face
i say
"i'm going to visit my son in the mental hospital."
pause
my face, a classic flat-effect,
"you know this and why are you making me say this out loud?"
the sharp angles of the letters slice my throat
and more mercury drips
and acid fills the back of my throat
my eyes are soul-less, flat and gray
and you glare sharp blades at me
wrapped in a silicone shell of your narcissim
"you look like you're getting ready to go out somewhere."
you say
chrome glazing over  your eyes, over your heart
with that, the cotton batting fills more space
my soul-self doubles over in pain
and with that
the side of me that lived for you
died

running, raging, store to store
buying, selling, getting more
more and more to give and get
deeper, deeper into debt
false smile here, fake laugh there
****-santa in a chair
"merry christmas, tom and sue!"
what i really mean is, "*******!"
frenzied music fills the air
blinking lights, garrish stars
liquor, beer to soothe the scars
soon it will be over
this mad rush
happy holidays, from this jaded lush!

This now too?
What comes next?
Why am I such
A
******
Up
Mess...

psychosis
psychotic
words i once was frightened by
now i'm touched by
physically felt by
wondering when i'll be brushed by them again
a child with a mind turned completely backwards
it must be your fault, he says
you must be one pretty messed up mother to have a child like me, he says
maybe
just, maybe
he
is
right

warm, floaty, light-yet-heavy
you make me feel
normal
high
above-it-all
chemistry
to the
nth
degree
short
reprise from
life's reality
me joined with
you

breakable
fragile
you
are
breakable
fallible
you
are
i
want
to
not
want
but
i
do

nerve endings on fire
lights too bright
undosed, too close to the edge
***!
Bring It!
DRINKS!
Bring 'Em!
LOVE and LIQUOR and LIFE of THE PARTY!
i like it
at least it's not dark
at least it's not weighty
at least it's not bruised and lonely and sickly
extremes
fast or slow
extra light or extra dark
undosed
maybe i'll try it more often

Militant, cursing, ruling, ordering
telling me what to do
how to do
when and where to do
I do
What I want
You tell me what to want
but, I do what I want
and will
not
listen
to
you

A pale, pulsing membrane
Surrounds my inner core
You don't know me
You think you do
But,
i'm alone
And don't want you
To find me
I want to be
Vulnerable and alone
I am
A shining light,
Pale,
And alone.

You drift and pull me, drift and pull me back, like the tide
I drift, pull back, drift, pull, drift then pull
I try to stay steady, calm and impassive
But you pull, and your pull is stronger than I
And your pull is so strong, and so convincing, and it's so persuading
And you're so persuasive
I'm so convinced
I'm so