fragile as a snail shell
i am
paper-thin layer
my body-shell
your words
break me
raw inside
fragile outside
step
with
care

I can't top Simonides
I won't even try
But, blue and stars
Are always on my mind
If I could lie
Upon
A bed of soft, wet grass
And dream, and think of what is to come next,
I would do this every night
From the pale setting of the sun
To the soft moon's rise
Life would be easy
And I'd quit thinking
Of my sorrowful, possible demise.

Sip and warm
Gold and bubble
A different sort of love
Transport to a nether world
A respite from this time
Open my mouth
Glide down
Heat from veins to toes
Simple love
From a bottle
Wants
nothing
In
Return

I turn to
Stone
When I glance at you
I Jump into the sea
To escape your stare
Chill of
Salty waves
Nearly toss me
Like a sand dollar
Floating near the break
I become
Coral in a
Musky
Tide pool
Yet still I turn to you
For guidance
But you're too
Weak in your
Own rite
And you're not
Aware when I need
You the most
So I turn away
And I turn
Inward
Look in
And search for the
Answer but
It's simply not there
Pray to
The universe
Stained glass Jesus
Rotund Buddha
Dark Mother Mary
Demure and strong
And I hear...
Nothing
And the nothing is so
****** quiet
The nothing
Hurts my ears
So I clutch
My head
My hands press it hard
And tight
The headache drums
Demons play games
With my cerebral vortex
My vision narrows to
A pinpoint
Haloes consume the
Small space of
Sight that remains
The boulders I carry
Are too heavy
Lighten my load!
I plead
Before I'm
Dragged down
By the sea siren
She whispers lies
To me
Tells me she will
Carry the boulders
They'll be lighter
At the bottom
Of the sea,
She says
She tempts me
With her promises
Of peace, dark, cool, light
But I know better
If I go with her
It will mean death
And I've died
So many times already
I'm so tired of dying

flaming
lightening and thunder
storming
sickeningly twisting and turning
hailstorm, hurricane in my heart
in my gut
burning
cooling down with the rain, dripping
slowly calming the flames
tears and rain, rain and tears
smoke then steam
sulfur, metal, steam
red, sulfur, flames
fire
in my soul, in my mind
red-hot, heat
purple, black, blue
ache
rain and tears, tears and rain
slowly calming the flames
waves
crashing, then receding
crashing, receding
slowly receding, drifting
away
drifting away

your face
in my face
all the ******* time
your breath
in my nose
your hands
on me
your smell
too near
always in my space
go!

Black spiderweb lashes
Drifting down
Red hashed vessels
Hidden from crowds
Pulsing lights
Heartbeat sounds
Arms and soul moving
Rhythm that pounds
Hands are grabbing
Wanting more
The soul says free me
Let me soar
It's about the beat
The ups and the downs
Feel the music
Hear the sound
Not just the sound
The hammering beat
The vibrating floor
The people heat
The sweat
The pain
The tears
The rain
The heat, hot liquid
Dripping through veins
New life given
To soulless names
Nameless faces
Passing through crowds
The beat is all that matters now
The beat, the heat. The bounce, the crowd
They all become one, somehow
You grind, you bend, you sit, you stand
You run the heat
Then you die with the band

Uplift me
Lift me up
I'm so far down
Sometimes these words
Are all I have
Your words
On paper
HP
Tears behind my eyes
Held back only by the veil
The veil of my pride
Battle through
The deep
Violet, black, indigo, vertigo
Demon of grief
Starts at the root
Travels up
'Til it becomes bile in my throat
Escape in your words
Escape in your worlds
HP
Foreign languages
You sometimes speak
Causes me to think
In tongues I didn't think I knew
Breaks me from my rumination
For dashed moments in time
Heart heaviness
Leaden on my chest
Lifts
Thank you
HP

Blue,
Gold,
Threaded,
And bare,
Spinning,
Swirling,
Drifting,
Rare
Alone,
But
Not
She lives
In her
Dark world
She wishes,
Wants,
Another to understand
But life has dealt her
A broken hand
It hurts,
But not
A crown
She wears
Thorns,
Bleeding and so, so
Rare

i fell and skinned my knees today
you were supposed to keep me from falling
i shattered today
you didn't try to mend the crystal pieces
you flipped my book around
and read the back side
i should have watched where i was going
so i wouldn't fall, you said
i bandaged my knees
tried to glue the glinting pieces back together
you were in a hazy dream when i fell
smoke and sting filling your nose
breathing for you
apathy filling your mind
filling your soul
and now my mind-soul is weary
my body is tired
tired of your gas-lighting ways
too tired to notice when i fall anymore
too tired to pick up my shining pieces of crystal and glass
dulled and falling to the floor
you've dulled and tired me
and i can't pick myself up anymore

No, I don't think I will
No, tonight I think I won't
My stomach is protruding, though
I feel full
And I don't like that one bit
No, I don't think I will tonight
No, I think I won't
But I can't stop thinking
How my stomach passes over
My hallowed out hips and bones
No, I won't do it
But, yes, maybe I will
I don't think I can stand one minute more
This feeling of overly full
No, I don't think I'll do it now
But, yes, maybe just one time more
It won't hurt anyone
It's just for fun
It keeps the scale right in place
So, yes, maybe this one time more
My doctor told me , "No!"
She said take this extra yellow pill
And you'll feel like everything's in its place
But, no, I didn't take that pill
That pill will make me fat
So I'll toss up all I ate tonight
And then fall perfectly flat
Upon my bed
Curled up instead of
Feeling all obese
I'm done with rolls
And heaves and hoes
And ready for floats and leaps
I don't care for the stares
Of the strangers and theirs
I'm gonna do as I please

my legs were a vee
your fingers were searching
like they had eyes of their own
and you drove too fast
the vodkas intoxicating us
lust created an immortal shell
the san francisco bay misting our windows
i tasted its salt on your lips
your legs were a vee
and my fingers had eyes of their own
we transported to a place
you and i know
but very few know
and our fingers still have eyes of their own

Aqua veins
Trees of life
Tears and roots
Roots and tears
Trailing down your porcelain face
I trace the life-paths with my finger tips
Watch them drip and drop
Cup them with my palm
Still they drip, but I catch those I can
I want to be your tree of life
Strong and unbending in the wind

Ballerina Barbie
Twisted, bending back
Awkward posing
Woman-doll
You painted her in black
She used to float
A sun-stream ray
Stars lit up her eyes
You took advantage
Of her light
With prying nicks and barbs
Cuts and slaps
Tore at her heart
You slowly wore away
The shining brightness that she was
Bound her like a slave
Until she woke
One foggy night
Shaking like a leaf
Vulnerable, but strong inside
She knew she had to leave
She ran straight through the wispy fog
and turned the golden key
She turned and pushed and turned and pushed
The car would go nowhere
She looked into her rear view mirror
And saw you standing there
The metal cap held in your hands
A smirk upon your face
"You twisted, broken Barbie doll
Will never leave this place."

One step in, One step out
Her palm pressed to mine urges me on
It's the perfect place
She says
You can rest and think and find peace here
A friend of mine says it's the best
Fog rolls in and out of my mind
Two steps in, I'm forever insane
I remain at the threshold of the door
I laugh quietly in my own head
I sob quietly on the outside
How did I find these shoes?
I look down at them
Are they even mine?
I was that girl everyone said was strong
I was that girl who faced everything awful
Without even a wince
These shoes are now filled by a girl
Who lays crucified to her bed by leaden bricks
While the world makes its demands
As the bricks press her firmly down
Tears form steady streams in paths down her face
She dreams, no, fantasizes of her own death
She knows exactly how she'll do it
Her heart races all night
Listening for slamming doors and
Heavy objects being thrown against the wall
Her brain has become a muddled mess
Of panic and pain, of blacks and blues
And sometimes extreme reds and yellows
The simplest questions can no longer be answered
And yet, she's supposed to make this choice?
Two steps in, insane forever
Or remain at the threshold of the door
One step in, one step out
I break the connection of our palms
Walk haltingly away
I'm not prepared to mark myself forever
The fog lifts just a little bit
A shadow of that strong girl brushes by
"I can do this on my own," I say.

Candy apple lips
Black, then green eyes
Hair, a tidal wave rolling down her back

She is comic-book pretty
The boys come to look
They sit and stare at her form

She just looks at the moon
And cries

She is a snail
Dark and slimy
Crawling along the ground

They say she shines like the sun
But sees only the moon
She knows nothing of the beauty outside

A black net caught it
Trapped it one day
With words taking swings like fists

She felt them
Absorbed them
Now those words are chains
hanging around her neck

"******* *****"
"Stupid ******* *****"
"******* ugly as hell"

The words were followed
With hammers and nails
Locked doors
Glass shards
Her neck pressed hard to the floor

She escaped that death
Is finding a new life
One without bitter swords

But right now, she cannot believe
This beauty they see
After years of being torn apart

This can't hide
All that
Rests inside
Love, loathing, pain and holding
Trying to hold back
All that's hiding
Deep, deep
Cutting, hating, lusting, waiting
Wanting to explode
You don't know!
What it's like
To hold
I hold back so much
All the time
You don't even know
What I want
Who I am
Who I hope to be
You sit and stare
Vacancy in your eyes
Saying words
As they come to mind
I watch,
I watch your mouth moving
And your words
Enter
Then leave
Like smoke
Released
From a woman's
Pursed lips
Who the hell are you?
Why the hell
Am I with you?
I sit
Cross-legged
And alone
Waiting, wanting, wishing
And alone
Head in my hands,
Alone

blue-green hiding under a veil of vellum
pulsating and fragile
razor-sharp, sliver of silver
turns blue-green to red
paper white skin
blue-green to bing-red
cascading over white
peace is fleeting
darkness
light

i dream of a soft release
a gentle letting go
of responsibility, duty, life, love
the vintage film flicks and flickers through my mind
knotty, spotty, black and white frames
me, hiding behind long strands
hair, shrouding like a confessional booth
a pale, slight hand
a glinting of metal
an intake of breath
a waterfall
a lifetime of pain
pouring
flowing
slowly fading
gently falling
ending
pain, fear, finally ending
i'd finally end

You sew a nest of thorned branches
Wrap me tight within
You think I'll stay tied down
Tied to you
You think if you wrap tightly enough
I'll stay
You pick and pull at my fragile down
The tender under-side
You know exactly where to pick
You know if you pry and ***** there
I'll break
You're wrong, though
I look frail, I look weak, I look broken
I'm not
And you're wrong
Underneath those thorned branches
Underneath the prison-nest you wove
My wings are strong
And my wings are ready for flight
And when I'm ready
I'll fly
Far
Away

I sold worry over a fence post
And my neighbor ran away with it
Created it into a new worry, and spoke of it to another
Like a game of telephone
They look at me strangely now
Talk to me differently
Think I'm something I'm not
I hide from them in my house
Look out my window as they play at their drinking games
Talk about me at bunko
Gossip about me at girl's night
Walk past me like I'm a ghost
Avoid me like a pariah, a ***** covered in sores
I sold worry over the fence post
And now I sit alone

levitation
orgasmation
the highest elevation
barefoot in the rain
feeling no pain
running for hours
there's no higher power
elation
creation
of a new me
I've not yet seen
Rockstar
Energy
absent the caffeine
higher and higher
hour after hour
then,
slam
she's gone
lying bare on the floor
staring at the popcorn, pop on the ceiling
spider-webby nothingness
filling her brain
filling her soul
alone in her body
alone in her thoughts
lead apron-ness covering every inch of her body
emptiness
loneliness
numbness
love
exactly-like-love