excuses

i'm too
young
i have to impress my
dad
i want to live in europe
i **** at
commitment
i might find someone
else.


you are a drop out
you might never find a job that makes you
happy
you make my shallow girlfriends uncomfortable with your blatant disregard for
fashion
you never met your
dad
you want to buy a car so you can drive to me and buy a house so you can wake up to me and
you want my blood, my bones, my babies

truth

no one will ever love me as
purely
as you do. when i ask, why do your eyes look different?
you say, it's because they are so full of hope

i keep telling myself that i can never hurt you, you can only hurt yourself.

Looking back                  
thats where it all began        
From scratch                      
All I ever had I ever lost       
 Just scratch                        
There was never such a thing
As way back                        
Down to the core to the bone
Like scratch                        
Startin over from the floor    
From scratch                     
  Collect the pieces til i'm bored
like scratch                          
This was all you ever were    
Just scraps                          
Take me over help me lord   
 Just scraps                         
 Start me over new again        
Like that                           
  Stronger than i've ever been  
Pay back                            
Not to you this one's for me  
**** that                           
 Everything i've ever seen      
It's like that                        
Rawest form of purity          
And i'm BACK                     
 Had to strip me naked so id see                                   
  I got that                           
 Fighting against gravity          
I fall back

I spent days, not eatin more  
Than a piece a bread              
Not that I didn't have a dime  
I jus didn't ha tha time          
An tho I try so hard              
To keep tha cash on tha card
But when I looked again       
 Aint nothin but a cent            
I ride this life                      
Like a merry go roun          
Ya it's up an down                
Still the same things              
Come back to face me          
Like I seen that chick before and yup I seen her              
Walk straight out tha door      
Leaving me alone in this bed  
A hundred ?'s runnin thru      
My head                            
Will I be                            
Cute enuf                            
Rich enuf                            
Solve that glitch enuf...          
I get so tired jus **** that stuff

Standing in shattered glass,
none of the pieces left intact, my life
is not what it use to be , it never
was.

Living day to day hiding my
feelings form the ones i love. I
put on a good show, but none will
ever know! I'm a shattered mirror,
that i myself broke and
collected the bad luck!

Blocking anyone who tries to get
close, i feel myself falling slowly
in to a deep hole that i can
never escape form! Although I
try, I never really succeed.

Life is overrated at this point. I
defy society, not at my own will,
but it's who I am, but know one
can ever know!

I was right outside
when she pulled the trigger

and I remember

crashing sound, in my head
my knees, my shoulder blades. A turbulent din
heart beating like a cave collapsing
air desperate to escape from my lungs

and silence.

Light falling away,
slowly like snowflakes
with the weight of dusk
and me standing
staring at the holes that were in everything.

Suddenly, everything was a mountain.

and I remember                        it

---------------------------------------------------------------­

I sit here and watch as if I couldn’t reach out and touch it
Can I?
The decay is not in your heart or your mind, it is in your soul.
Its coming out on your face. Gray stains forming around your eyes.
How do you get rid of that?
Your playful (terrified, i’m so scared, i’m scared) voice.

In 3am empty
sitting on the floor by the window gasping for air.
How can I reach out and touch that?
I watch the nights wash you pale with insomnia.
Strings of black hair. White face. Cold morning light.
How can I reach out and touch that?

I sit here across from you at the table, watching your eyes look through me.
Words are coming out of you that I don’t understand.
Words that don’t fall on deaf ears
but on deaf hands
making me suffer like I was paralyzed.
Your lips barely move as you speak.

There’s a sharp edge to this
its cutting the line between consciousness and sleep
you’re saying
The days have been good to me
you’re saying
I am just going to get older.

I can feel it in me
death is in me,
and I cannot
get it out

For a moment it is quiet. You sit there, like something meant to be on its own \
and I sit here, like an empty chair.
How could I reach out and touch that?
My mouth opens
Be okay.
I’m saying

Please be okay.

--------------------------------------------------------­-------------

its gradual            ,           the darkness is invading me
filling the back of my eyes
the depths of  my ears
the pores of my skin
until I die.

I take another dragging breath.
feel my bones bend the wrong way
too far

These days feel so old
this sky is so heavy
this wet air tastes so much how it did
last winter sinks in.

and I remember                   it       so well    .

---------------------------------------

today, a new offense
I could not believe it
the sun pulled itself up out of the ground
without you

january sun
light without bright
day without warmth,
burning as dull as a nightmare remembered
following a shallow line that is far from equinoctial

time passes like strangers faces on the street

already,      fall falling falling
a falling scattered hush
night, again