7.9% numbs my brain
but i'm still thinking of you
oil and knives
are what you've given me
and i sit and stare
and think of you
erase your love soul
from my memory
i can't live like this anymore
slit and red and drip
slit and red and drip
at least i feel
surface pain
it's easier
than c-sitting
curled over with
sickening
pangs

little girl
hands and knees
traipsing up the rooftop
eyes so wild
orchid child
searching for a home
tears on tips
fingers lit
clawing, clinging on
words are sought
mind is lost
peace has come and gone

i fell and skinned my knees today
you were supposed to keep me from falling
i shattered today
you didn't try to mend the crystal pieces
you flipped my book around
and read the back side
i should have watched where i was going
so i wouldn't fall, you said
i bandaged my knees
tried to glue the glinting pieces back together
you were in a hazy dream when i fell
smoke and sting filling your nose
breathing for you
apathy filling your mind
filling your soul
and now my mind-soul is weary
my body is tired
tired of your gas-lighting ways
too tired to notice when i fall anymore
too tired to pick up my shining pieces of crystal and glass
dulled and falling to the floor
you've dulled and tired me
and i can't pick myself up anymore

Stiff and tense I sit
Hunched over words, words about money, loss
With and without
Honed
Razored
Bent and
Focused
Then you brush me
Ever so gently
Touch me
The words, once so important, become unfocused
I struggle to reign them
Tame me
Put them in their place
But you sniff and prowl
Lift and pull
The razor softens
My body
Controlled by a magnet
Deep in the center
Raises and weeps
Bucks and leaps
At the brilliant touch
Of a man in heat

caved in
my gut
gurgling
to the sounds
of my worry
wound tight
***** of yarn
roll
around
and roll
sharp triangles
shape my back
but round my shoulders
all at once
rounded but sharp
all at once
steel cords
pull at my spine
spring from my neck
down to my waist
worry
beyond words
learn to breathe
i must
before
i
lose
my
mind

nerve endings on fire
lights too bright
undosed, too close to the edge
***!
Bring It!
DRINKS!
Bring 'Em!
LOVE and LIQUOR and LIFE of THE PARTY!
i like it
at least it's not dark
at least it's not weighty
at least it's not bruised and lonely and sickly
extremes
fast or slow
extra light or extra dark
undosed
maybe i'll try it more often

I sold worry over a fence post
And my neighbor ran away with it
Created it into a new worry, and spoke of it to another
Like a game of telephone
They look at me strangely now
Talk to me differently
Think I'm something I'm not
I hide from them in my house
Look out my window as they play at their drinking games
Talk about me at bunko
Gossip about me at girl's night
Walk past me like I'm a ghost
Avoid me like a pariah, a ***** covered in sores
I sold worry over the fence post
And now I sit alone