I stop halfway up 12th street
and stand there, letting cars pass me
not moving an inch.
I want to stay there
standing in the freezing rain
staring at the last curve of the road
until I fall over
frozen and soaked to the bone
waiting for someone to stop,
to get out, wrap me in a hug
and pull me to their car.
but I know  nobody will
that I'll die here
forgotten on a busy road
so I continue on
back to my empty, useless, repetitive life.

I try not to
I try not to hurt
not to feel
not to love
I try to only be happy
because that's all you want
that's all you want of me
but I can't
I can't be only happy all the time
it's not human
and I'm human
I need to feel
I try not to cry
not to be selfish
not to be vain
but I am anyway
and so are you
and so is everyone else in the world

I cannot suppress the thought any longer.
That maybe, just maybe,
It is my own fault that
He has changed so.

Long gone is the boy
With the sweet blue eyes
With the sunflower yellow centers

Who would do anything
Anything
To spend a moment staring into mine.

Long gone is the boy
Who could transform from
Fits of anger, questioning
"Why do you let them treat you that way?"

To fits of tears
"The soap here smells like you and I miss you."
In an instant.

His carefully planned words resonating in my mind,
Then and now.

I do not know where this boy has gone.
Perhaps he was lost in the chaos of last July
When the sun had set
And our dismal future was left unsettled.

And he could not use his ever powerful words,
To convince me to stay.

Because all that remains of him
Is smoke and mirrors.
But mostly just smoke.
And a lot of lies.

And now he will do anything
Anything
To avoid my cold grey eyes.

We've both been left fighting for dominance,
Over who has it worse now.
Neither acknowledging the reality
That we have broken each other.

I want to know I made you smile.
If I could cause such beauty,
life would mean more for a moment.

Why don't smiles last?
Why does the heartbeat slow, eventually?
And can't two people simply enjoy one another's company--
be be here for once, for now, together, right here and just be warm?
Without expectation, just happy.
No hopes, no unstated desires, just togetherness,
and those conversations one has lying on roofs, looking into the stars, on the hood of your car,
looking out on the moonlight stretched in shadows over a lake's rippling surface,
you know in the movies,
but when you actually do it it's better than any movie no matter who you're with or what temperature it is outside, or how many mosquitos are swarming, or what the radio is playing.
And notes written in pencil.
Pens run out of ink.
But why did we...
Why have we...
Why are we not writing anymore?
Can we drag the dry pen down the pages, forever, until paper rips under the pressure?
The story is etched into me.
Let's never stop telling the story.

Anyway, like I said, I want to know I made you smile
so we need to speak of many things.
So that if you want to know you made me smile,
we can know exactly where those smiles came from,
what it meant...
what it means for them
to have meant that
to
us.

The box poses on my table,
So patient in its guise.
Allures its extent to baffle,
And prove me thus unwise.

To draw me closer it will bait
And lure by fine sweet sounds,
Perplexity my new bed mate,
Mischief that knows no bounds.

I lie in this bed and ponder,
Choice is mine, is it not?
What gifts inside I do wonder!
Temptation's guile my lot.

Gilded and exquisitely wrought,
Intricacy unparalleled,
My prolonged resistance for naught,
My hand thus adroitly compelled!