You know what you want
Then say you don't
You know what to say
Then you simply won't

You know how you think
But constantly ignore
You know how to fix it
But somehow trust became a chore

You know what can't be
But refuse to call it quits
You know how to persevere
But even you fell for those tricks

You know you bend the rules
Yet you know how they all are
You know how to love
Yet your heart seems so sore

You know what you feel
Then think to disagree
You know you should be true
Then you think last of me

You know how to say yes
Yet never seemed to be asked
You know how it's played
Yet you always come in last

You know your confused
Yet you toss reason aside
You know your torn
Yet you refuse to decide

You know what you want
Then say you don't
You know what to say
Then you simply won't

The hardest person to know is yourself.

They say you hurt
The ones you love
The most.
I wonder how true
That must be.

I can't even bear to think
Of hurting you.
Yet you give out hurt
Like its a hobby.

With all the pain
You've put me through
You must love me
More than I could ever
Love you.

My parents think it's just the flu.
I guess it could be if love could get you sick.
I feel queasy all the time.
I can't keep food down.
I'm tired and my body aches.
I tremble and shake.
My head pounds and spins.
But it's just the flu right?
No
I may be sick,
but it is nothing that can be cured by a doctor.
No amount of medicine can make this go away.
There is no cure for the hole in my heart.
Do you know what it's like?
I bet you haven't got the slightest clue.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to live with a hole in your heart?
To lie on the floor screaming.
Begging for the pain to stop.
Before you know it,
you're racing for the bathroom.
Running to the toliet.
Your stomach hurts from sobbing.
Here comes dinner.
I go back and curl up in bed.
Tired and aching.
Mom comes in and ask if she can do anything.
I just tell her I do not feel well.
Who knew love could make you so sick.
I miss you.
Every time I think of you;
every word you say to me...
it all just makes me sick.
**But it's just the flu right?

She claims she's broken

choking on the last words she said to him


All her life is but a dream

and no one knows just what it means


To hold this broken beauty in your arms

if only for a moment


And in that instant,

all of these ancient feelings

come flooding back


All the hurt of past lives,

all of the attachment

and passion

of returning to love


All of the times

we decided it'd be best

to put our brains in the bottle

and contain our ways


The feeling stays awake

in the form of

diluted memory

and bruised skin


The feeling stays awake

like I do,

lonely as the night


The only living thing

born dead


And it feels just right


The feeling stays awake like I do,

all night,

thinking of you

and your poison stare


Let me swallow you

and burn my throat

on your existence


Let me close,

if only for a moment


Let me in,

I promise you'll enjoy it


Since all we want to do is forget,

And bite our skin

with frozen passion,

we'll give up


Surrender to the dirt brown

carpet on the floor

and lay there forever


Since all we want to do is forget,


"Only for a moment"

Is all we'll get

I would liken you
To a night without stars
Were it not for your eyes.
I would liken you
To a sleep without dreams
Were it not for your songs.

you keep buying more paint
to add on to your collection of bruises
black and blue and purple and yellow
hues
you insist on emphasizing
the different phases of your history of having been
beaten and battered and broken and used
you ask me to touch them
just so you can feel
the hurt that you say they bring
you ask me to add to them
just you can admire the spectrum of stories
you feel so compelled to sing
but

i don't have the heart to tell you
that the bruises i hide
are real
and that paint, my darling,
washes off

The ocean waves crash against the sharp rocks.
The smell of the ocean is sweet and salty.
The air roars in my ears, harsh.
Looking down I see my future.
I see
I see
I see
Nothing.

I close my eyes and wonder,
When did I become gullible?
When did I become stupid?
Why did I believe so many lies?

I've been blind folded by rainbows and love.
I've been blinded by your mean smiles, thinking they were honest and beautiful.

Adults telling me that I am free.
Only to have an iron handcuff on my wrist and chains around my ankles.
Free?
There is no freedom here.
Not in my town,
Not in my house.

Surrounded by disappointment and lies.

Take a dee breath.

Well no more.
I will not be mute.
naive.
A doormat.

I open my eyes, the blind fold falling and crashing against the waves.

I see my future.
I see my life.
I see.

It burns. So deathly excruciating.

It's like a never-ending, heart wrenching feeling, that separates all other emotions, all other pains, and all other scars apart.

That feeling of regret and fallen memories, colliding with each other and dragging you down so low that Hell appears to be Heaven.

Why? Why after so many years?

After so many others have managed to steal my heart, even if it was just for a moment.

Why? Even though I know those days are over, that they could never begin again, that there will always be a broken link and I will always shatter, fall, and crumble once more.

Why are these emotions still here? Why do they linger like a black cloud, suffocating me and chaining me down like a wild animal?

I know that you are only a memory, so then why are you still here?

Why do I think about you, dream about you?

Why even though I know all of your flaws and your undeniably inexcusable actions do I grip at my heart and say "I still love you"?

Even though time after time I have told myself the very opposite.

Time and time again I have banished you from my life and yet hoped there was still a chapter left of this dark story.

Why after so many countless times where I have been defeated by you, where I have fallen once more for the ****** games you play,
twisting your black fingers around my spine and seeing how far you can go until it breaks?

Why do my forsaken eyes mistake you as an angel, when you are the devil himself?

Must I continue to have hope, wishing that I could try again, even though I know you're going to once more watch as I lose all sight of the truth?

Sinister and vile as you are, relish in my delusional state, knowing you have me in your claws which scrape at my back and leave scars that not even God could heal.

Do you even know how disgusting, how sickening and maddening it feels to know that you can't even see the pain you have inflicted on me? Sure you can see the bandages, but are you really that blind to the truth of their nature?

How deep these scars truly run? How badly and desperately I screamed and begged for help inside as you dug your claws into my flesh and carved them out yourself?

Can you not see the depression, the hopeless battered soul seeping through my eyes?

I pretend I am strong. I live every day breaking at the cracks and somehow manage not to collapse into a pile of broken pieces.

Tears are dried out and the ache of a heart that has been stomped on so severely that it bleeds gray is only a small burden compared to all of the rest.

I walk on a path where there is a light just in reach, but the path vanishes once you have come close enough to that hopeful light that you can brush it with the tips of your fingers.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to look in the mirror and have to remind yourself every single day that you were never good enough?

That you are a wasted canvas, painted beautifully at first but then crumpled and thrown out because you never had a chance at being satisfactory.

You will never understand that my own emotions are poisoning me.

You have grabbed at my throat and shaken me so violently that I am unable to move, paralyzed in shame. Paralyzed in sorrow.

And yet, as I look into your eyes, I am mesmerized by your face, I fall into a trace, trapped in your spell. Trapped in this deadly cycle.

You have dragged me down into this pitiful thing. This choking, lifeless relationship where I struggle to stay alive while you climb higher on your pedestal.

And despite my previous errors, I willingly fall into your hands. Blinded by the false light you shine above your head.