the kind of dosage you swallow out of awareness
separation from your present state;
skidding, through the thoughts of
a golden wash of goodness as we
scratch at our minds for answers, pleading the back and the forth
as if it’d bring us closer to any revelation
any inner spot of fragrant, wholesome, peace
that we die for, try for,
dream about in dance
eventually coffee turns cold and you wake and you realize you’ve only been spinning language for ages and getting called beautiful;
it’s a trick,
like regurgitating our sins,
to squeeze the burden out from under the skin
and rehearse burning letters, along ourselves
the anthem to the liberation
from the coated and waxed framed guilt ridden pane of mind,
breaking a neck to watch the sky,
your vision is blurred, everything looks like its shooting this way and that and maybe all your wishes
are based on misinterpretations
still you dance your way to new york with lights as noose around your neck
strangled by life and its smooth bitterness,
the ease to unexpected accelerations,
not getting out of bed,
rummaging about a box of letters you were supposed to burn years ago,
ought to have,
else you wouldn’t be here contemplating permanence in jailed yellow paper with your cruel last name on all sides
******* my way through a calendar, how many years, just how many has it been,
crossing streets to shake hand with your burden-
your memory’s meanest friend

-lights out-
fall, hands a-clasped, into instantaneous
ecstasy like a shot of ****** or morphine,
the gland inside of my brain discharging
the good glad fluid (Holy Fluid) as
i hap-down and hold all my body parts
down to a deadstop trance-Healing
all my sicknesses-erasing all-not
even the shred of a 'I-hope-you' or a
Loony Balloon left in it, but the mind
blank, serene, thoughtless. When a thought
comes a-springing from afar with its held-
forth figure of image, you spoof it out,
you spuff it off, you fake it, and
it fades, and thought never comes-and
with joy you realize for the first time
'thinking's just like not thinking-
So I don't have to think
any
more'

I want to interconnect my soul to running water and rain and thunder
I want to feel electric shock waves of relief every time there is lightening
I want to crave sunlight on my skin after I take off the dark cloak of night that wraps around my body when the day breaks
I want to become weightless so I can take a nap on a leaf on a branch of a tree and find a home with the place that always knows how things go
I want to build a leaf house and forget about the world that kicked me out
I want to have a never ending love affair with those little ***** of rain leaking from the sky
That could be recycled dinosaur dragon sweat or the tears of Jesus and I want to revel in the possibility that the world can bring me
Away from the world that left me out

I try to find a way to a calm,
an easy breath,
wash away, they say
come home. lay it down.
I ask,
where'd he go, where'd he go
it was only yesterday
three-minute cigarettes on our break,
mocha eyes on my greying blue.
yours the rusted pier, mine the capped water
beneath
a frantic heart I knew how to read,
elegantly,
with his quiet voice. quiet stare
into today,
I've forgotten our rhythm
you turn away at jokes about my present lovers
I turn cold at the thought of you, her, new york,
you said,
you said you didn't love her
what happened to the plead?
the casualty you couldn't let slip
the phone call from 6 hours away, I'm gone,
I'm gone,
I tell you to leave but I love it,
and once you leave I'm lost.
In a trance, not yours but the lack of you
is crippling
wrenching, curious,
as strong as my steadfast belief in lovers' telepathy,
you'll call, you'll call
I tell myself on and on
in dreams of you I was too tired to watch
hidden fragments you subtly show
show
show, don't tell

You walk across the room
in your black *******,
a cigarette in your hand
and turn off the fan
in the open window,
like an undertaker waiting
by the door for the headlights
in the driveway debating
another swig from his flask,
like a ***** blowing smoke
in the dark flicking ash.

the beckoning beauty in our flowers,
your lips
the softness in our dance, your hands,
my hips
sweetness in song as your stare steals my breath
I smile, forget
all our wrongs, reckless carnage
what was to come out of catharsis--
back where we began, the love never
dies, when will I,
in your hands
your whispers
take me back, laughing meadows,
your voice was my song,
your mocha eyes form in my writing
caffeine only lasts so long