Remember the saying,
"And if you're still up at 4 a.m., you are in love or lonely, and I don't know which one is worse."?
It's currently 4 am,
and I'm neither in love nor lonely.
I don't know if it's bad not being in either situation,
but all i do know is that I am at peace.
Peace with myself,
somewhat in love as well.
But I am alone now,
does that make me lonely nonetheless?
And being somewhere in love,
should I fit in that criteria too?
I guess being up at 4am in my shoes,
doesn't make me either in love or lonely.
Instead it makes me alone and lovely,
and I swear if you were with me now,
I'll be all yours.
Only at 4 am,
I'd be all yours.

pitter patter on the sidewalk,

a drop of temperature outside. 

the clouds overhead were grey,

a chilly wind blew through my hair.

i sat on the sofa huddling my blanket close,

watching my cats fluffing up their coats.

the smell of warm food lingered in the house,

a whistling kettle screamed out in anger.

with my phone in hand typing these down,

i sincerely wished you were around. 

it has been nine days since i last saw you,

and i can’t help but to wonder about you missing me too.

they say follow your heart
follow your soul

but question
does your heart follow your soul
or does it have a mind of its own?

because if it isn't otherwise
i think it's time for god to put me under the knife

my heart has a mind of its own
a stubborn one that is
it's hard to not give in
especially since its one that refuses to be dismissed

my soul is light
it's a drifter they say
but what can it do
when it's anchored by the heart?

i look back into the days
where the grass was greener,
and the time, slower;
of which memorable things happened everyday,
and being happy was never an option.
i never felt lonely once,
even when i was alone.
because i knew back then,
things wouldn't change,
or i thought so now.

but oh how the days has changed,
except for the green green grass.
time became faster,
and memorable things happened only in a good night sleep.
being happy is a rarity now,
loneliness became my best friend.
i took the days before for granted,
because it's either those days,
or an eternal silence laid in me.

the sun is setting,
and you left me feeling blue.
did you forget me?

i would write letters to you
even though you're next to me
talking to you would be amazing
having you to look at me would be breath-taking

i would walk distances for you
even though you may be in the next town ahead
seeing you would be fulfilling
worthy of every footprint i made

i would sing to you
oh, my dear love, i would sing
tell the whole world how much of a lovely person you are
even though glasses will shatter with my untuned pitch

i would do anything for you my dear
to make you smile and laugh when the rain falls down
for i can't live with the image of you being blue
drowning into the depths of the ocean i brought you to

small hours
drinks were higher
we met at the wrong place
with our blood warmth face

a moment of chase
a number of rejections
endless nights of crying
endless twinkles of trying

you held me in your arms
you stitched up the seams
from that day on
i vowed to give you everything you need

there wasn't a day without a storm
nor the rain or the clouds overhead
neither was there a bit
I didn't looked forward into meeting you in all days

it's sick to think of how much you're adored
when you first walked in
cherished by many
but loved by one

now that this is gone
a part of me has drifted too
I don't know where it is to
but I hope it's with you

with this our chapter has closed
sealed and locked kept in the back of our minds
and if chanced upon it
I'll smile

for you were once my reason to love and to smile

faces staring pass
i overlooked not too far
saw myself, faced down

Questions on why, why and why;
all over in this ******* mind of mine,
driving me insane.

Oh how nostalgic this feeling is,
to be able to go back to the past,
and then realising–
You’re nowhere near there.

Instead, constantly drowning
in an endless tunnel of
the unknown.
Can’t help but to feel
lost all the time.

Unfamiliar surroundings all over,
to the extend where
the strange and the sorrow,
becomes your only two friends.

It’s a dark dark place,
and the dying are only dying.
Impossibilities are endless;
Feelings are dead.

Constant pain;
Constant thoughts.
Constant fears;
Constant grieve.

When is this all going to end?

be

(c)areful of your thoughts
(u)ndeserving as it seems &
(r)un through fields of
(i)deas with an
(o)pen mind that'll
(s)lowly guide you

aware of everything,
helpless from it all
am i not involved
in the life i was once flourishing from?

i see the sky,
i see the stars,
next i see darkness,
feeling cold from it all,
only hearing the chatter of people no so far away.

in my head they're possibly smiling,
from seeing me going so far away,
on a boat rocking gently with
mr charon chucking loudly;
knowing i won't see another better day.

thinking to myself,
“do i still have a heart whilst so still from being touched by death's fingers?”
because my heart is beating fast,
with each stroke the boatman takes.
how far would i go away,
from the life i once knew so well?

oh, how i wish i can return,
back to the undead!
is it still possible,
after what it seemed like i had been rowed on for so long?

i hope it is,
i hope i can still be alive
to feel the rush of passion all through my veins,
to feel the heat of it all.

"mr boatman, please take me back," i begged;
"i will live a life so full, you would wish you were human."
he smiled eerily, with a tooth or two,
"you don't belong there,
you belong here,
with the dead,
the heartless,
the cold.
can't you see you've cause enough up there?
can't you see you belong down here?"

he shook his head,
rowed further,
hushed me once more,
and to the horizon we went.

with my face gone from this earth,
only distant memories remained;
with my soul undertaken,
i was gone far away.

we’re drift drift drifting away

where we’re headed to we don’t know
maybe we’d end up being together down the road after being apart

no one knows

but for now we’re drifting away
along with everything we had built
so what were we?

no one knows

dark streets
blurred lights
the rain has fallen
into the night

d
   r
     i
      p and
               drops
went the raindrops
i looked out of my window
oh what a weather to see

as the rain starts to pour
i can't help but to think of you more
wondering where you are
thinking of where you might have been

like beaded pearls
the rain continues falling
into my thoughts
i began drowning

i can only pray
that you could be here with me too
but here i am
in too deep with the tears

I fear the most when
you get carried away
by people who
only know your name

i cant seem to put it to words
when it comes to us
for we were once a pair
now forsaken with memories

everyday was a story
and there’s more to remind me
of the lovely times we had
of the looks that we shared

distances were nothing
illnesses were inferiority
to be together became a priority
and that was made mandatory

i cant help but
to not deny
that youre all i think about
whenever im alone

when all that’s left
is just thoughts of us
opened and unconcealed
just a place for settled dust

                                                   of you and me.

i look in the mirror &
all i see
is a face i know
once cheerful
with a soul so free

all that is left
is her appearance
untouched

but only heaven knows
the emptiness and
creatures inside of me

a whistle of the night
the sudden approach of light
mr moon's so bright
he's looking lovely tonight

crickets chirped in delight
leaves danced in the twilight
i laid down my rushlight
in hopes of your height

with you in sight
my heart went, "there's my knight"
you held me tight
and we danced in the moonlight

we became our own playwright
and it seems alright
because in the highlight
the main characters were you and me at post-midnight

birds chirped at the speck of daylight
a gentle reminder for my knight
he held me tight
as he whispered, "i'll be back tonight"

my knight is a wight
and he was long blight
these days mr moon has been in eyesight
oh how i hope he would shine brightly every night

what do you look at whenever you see me for the first time, after a long time?
do you notice my dressing,
down until my shoes?
or do you look at my hair,
and observed how much of a mess it is?
do you see my jewelery,
and how i finally managed to wear them out?
or do you see my face,
the only one that tells it all?

because something tells me you don't notice anything,
and i rather excuse you with reasons in my thoughts.
maybe you were busy with your thoughts,
and you got tangled up real badly.  
or maybe you were caught up with the conversations you had before,
regretting things you didn't say up until then.
or maybe you were lost in space,
having being ventured into it for a long time,
you forgot to come back.

but today for the first time,
i stopped making excuses for you.
because i thought,
just for once,
you would notice me.

I wonder if you’re fine
I wonder what’s on your mind
I’m sorry if I sound inquisitive
Because I don’t want you negative

i thought perfection didn't exist,
thought it was just a glimpse of hope,
a direction of life into finding someone,
the other half to complete our small lives

i thought i could make do with anyone &
call them "perfect",
since many dreams became pieces,
and many hearts became fragile,
because of a word that cease to exist fully

so i stitched my soul closed,
knowing that it'll never be what it'll be
and that it's all a handful of air,
it's all just a gimmick from the world

until one day,
i came across you.

the drops when it pours from the mass of clouds
up in the big blue sky
the smell of it all as the heavens cry
you’d pop up into my mind
and you’d linger there for awhile

don’t ask me why it is that way
it’s just a beautiful phenomenon
when tears are brought down
i must say

maybe that’s why you’d appear
every time it showers overhead
because i want you here badly
but all you became was my reverie

to love a poet is amazing
you're never dead
nor are you alive

you'll live forever in writings
in texts
you'll always be a piece of someone's mind

it's not a bad thing they say
neither is it good
for your soul can't rest in peace
as you're being remembered long after you're
decapitated

to love a poet is foolish
a fool i must say
for you won't have a judgement of yourself
as others judge you from the poetry written

"but love a poet,--"
they say
it's not good
if i may

life and death are solely in their hands
your entire life in their passages

the soul is one to take
and take as they shall may
you'll live forever in them
as you're slowly being decayed

to love a poet is one's choice
and not to be taken lightly
"pen is mightier than the sword," they say
and it is true to believe in it

so love a poet
wanderlusts and nostalgia and memories will lead your way
it's a rough road
and bittersweet as you live in

sweet, sweet mellow
you can't help but to feel yellow
with a tune so catchy,
you can never catch yourself feeling moody

an enchanting beat
complete with bopping heads
feeling like you're at an island
sipping to the scenery away

everything seems calmer
with the world feeling much kinder
a sense of peace
oh, this is just the right release

everybody insist that they know me,
that they know my insides as well as my outsides;
on how many times i had a breakdown,
how many times i smiled for the world,
and how many times i was myself.
but the truth is,
how can anyone know me as much as i do?
that seems impossible,
possibly maybe because i for sure
am not sure of what i am
or neither what's inside of me,
or even what i'm capable of.
i don't know what i like,
i don't know what i dislike;
i might as well be a sculpture,
at least i'd have an appearance worth paying for.
but what if i'm not all that you said i was?
what if i was lesser, or even maybe a bit more?
i mean, who knows?
i wish i knew.
but most importantly,
i wish i knew how to at least accept myself the way i am.
i wish i knew how.

i'm a sick stranger
with nothing but rotten thoughts and blackness engulfing me,
i can't describe what i am now,
am i a mess?
at least mess can be cleaned up, but i can't
i threw myself off from above so high
nothing is saving me
and i'm left with my sick sad thoughts
and i am losing hopes of a better day,
i don't need anyone's saving grace,
i've gone in too deep in a volcano
i think i'm a sacrifice for a better day
for someone down below
everyone's leaving,
and i don't feel the same
this is a sick strange world,
and i'm just a sick person living covering up my mess
a sore thumb if anyone really knew what i was,
an unclaimed luggage that no one would look for
this is me
i'm a sick stranger with nothing but unfavorable thoughts
i hurt everyone who shows the littlest bit of love
i'm a sick person
i don't think i can ever be loved

i guess I deserved this
not sure why
but every time you cross my mind
the anger comes in and it swells up inside

it's like an infection really
one that takes determination
to get rid of
but how do one removes it,
when one feels uneasy about?

what i'm trying to say is this
I can't contain the guilt you've left me with
neither can i contain
the feelings that has been evolved

honestly you're not to blame
because I feel like i'm the reason
that caused this all

i'm sorry if it took the best of you
for it left you with nothing temporarily
and i gained something
receiving happiness that isn't deserved

now i'm just living with a guilt
an addiction you left behind
with words you said
spoken and unkind

this is it
a solitary mess
I can never escape this fate
neither can I leave its side

i hope you're happier now
to see me so ill
you belittle me with words
and i'm just engulfing it all in

i woke up in the spotlight
a place where i promised myself to never be in
i faced the surrounding darkness
i see familar faces staring down on me

hugging dearly to my knees,
i whispered to have inner peace,
“it's just a nightmare, i’ll wake up from this,”
tears streamed down as i rocked back and forth
with my face in knees,
the spotlight still upon me

i peeked between my knees,
i still see them staring at me,
i see everyone i knew there,
i noticed their look of disappointment being pointed at me

some mouthed words,
words i had engraved into my skin
“you're selfish, you're weak,
you'll never have a place you belong here,
you'll never be a wanted soul,"


i tried running away,
even though my feet felt numb.
i ran faraway,
feeling their gazes still upon me.
they followed me wherever i went,
they followed me in the dark.
they said,
*“you can never leave us, and you can never, ever live without us”

foolish and weak,
i let the dark roamed in me.
they ran through the empty hallways,
leaving none untapped.

memories once held so dear were engulfed,
i forgot the times when joy were nuff.
and all bad ones stayed behind,
the ratio now all to none.

i sometimes wonder why am i like this,
should i blame my first curiousity,
or was it simply myself?
could it be stopped, or was it fated for
things to turn out this way?

one by one the lights were slowly extinguished,
a pitch black darkness covered the entire place.
my face seemed normal as the eyes of public passed me by,
little did they know i was drowning inside.

the last candle stood in the way,
the only one with a name.
it was fighting the dark that came its way,
slowly losing out until today.

Death works in mysterious ways;
Yet it's an expected thing.
A form of acceptance,
one must learn not to cling.

It happens when you least expect it,
it happens without a tip.
It happens in a blink of an eye,
and the soul is His to keep.
A rattle of death is shaken,
with grieve in its place.
A life will soon be departed,
and into His hands you will be placed.

No one’s prepared enough for the afterlife,
but a little faith will take us far.
Live an otherwise benign life,
with humility higher than par.
For we’re all just humans,
our organs in a jar.
A living piece of matter,
waiting for the untold.

you were my everything
the twinkling stars that i wished upon
the scorching sun that gave me light
the round moon that reflected so bright
and a hope for better days to come

but seasons change
weathers don't stay the same
tides grew bigger
storms were louder
we couldn't stay
our home was being deranged
with its bricks falling
with its memories dying
with our souls withering away

i watched you fade away
into the darkness you became
a whole other person, you changed your ways
i could no longer feel the same
especially since the day you walked away

no, I'll never say i regretted this
neither will i say that i want you to stay
the truth hurts
you have already gone too far away
there's nothing left of you in my room
maybe a photograph or two
for the good times when i think of you
other than that, i wouldn't want you around
you scarred me so terribly,
how could i not frown?

so it's best this way
us being on our separate ways
i hope she treats you best
i hope your mind would finally be at rest
you were my greatest test
to be apart, one shan't fret
you were once my everything
but you're in safe hands now
with that being said,
i can finally end our final chapter and with it bid our final goodbye

something about the dark,
that taunts the mind
it holds your dreams,
it stains the light

something about the deep,
that makes feelings go steep
i'm not sure what to say,
but i know there's always a way

maybe it's in a clutter,
which comes when the butterflies flutter
it's not very clear;
i hope it isn't near

i can feel it breathing,
i can hear it's thoughts
it's living;
when i'm hardly thinking

i need all these to go away,
i need my mind to stay sane
it's all an ado,
but what can one do?

Body glistening in the sun,
A sweat trickled down my face.
It's 8pm into the night,
Yet it feels like the day hasn't gone by.

My mind blanketed by a shroud of unconsciousness,
I'm staring at a tangled draft.
An obvious clutter in my view,
A pile of junk I presumed.

Anxiety was at an all time high,
The lights on the streets blurring by.
My lighted cigarette was the only thing I could see,
Yet with perfect vision,
I couldn't see the forward path.

Airplanes flying,
old couples chilling;
How can one have such dedicated lives,
when the youth are sinking?

The essence of the very best
is in us all,
but how do we achieve and strive,
without no direction at all?

A passion in us,
a drive within individuals.
If nurtured right,
it will lead to a future bright.

Given the times,
we are all born with future;
Even with so,
grieve still live within us all;
with depression hand in hand,
poisoning us whole.

These were supposed to be the times we prosper;
Suprisingly,
many of us falter.

Who is to be blamed for this?
If you're an atheist,
would you blame a
non-existent god for this?

The answer lies within us,
to remain appreciative and kind,
only then would we be calm.

So let's help all in achieving this,
and may our souls rest in peace.

i traced the veins of a boy with my eyes
it led to every person on this train
but none to me

these thoughts are louder than anything
i hear myself speak,
but none could hear me
they're so loud,
no one can reach inside of me
please help me,
i'm being engulfed by it all
now that i have no one,
and misery is my only friend,
these voices are overtaking me,
these voices became my only way of sanity

what lies beneath those unwithered souls;
a ticking clock,
or a single brick unevenly placed on their walls?
a drying piece of grassland,
or a garden filled with blooms?
with smiles masked on their faces,
who'd know if they were real?
with eyes glistening upon the shadows of their insides,
i guess that's when you know what’s real

they say the upon the first fraction of a second from a glimpse you may know what they're truly feeling
but what if they're pathological liars, would you know what's real?
don't fret,
you're not alone
be genuine and kind,
and the rest untold

i wanted to write
the most amazing things about you
about how wonderful you are to me
and how i was glad to have met you

but then again
i would have to share you
and im not especially good with sharing
when it comes to the one person
that i love most

so here i am
counting the little things
that made me fall in love with you
and here i am
deleting the reasons for anyone
to fall in love with you