I wake to marble ground
and golden chandeliers
with diamond jewels
hung all around
polished silverware
glittering, dreamy state
within the walls were but
drifting souls;
empty, quiet,
floating holes

the weight
of deception
burned it down
or time was due
and earth awoke
crackling sounds
amidst crumbling mounds

there are no people
who dare to stay
yet I run back in through
shattered doors
with a hoarse voice
raw screams;
an arrow through the air
fleeting blur, moving down

the pounding of my own
heartbeat settles to
regret the weeping over a
breaking line
but i spin excuses
for the family i leave behind

"if the children get to
laugh and play another day
I will run till my soles grow cold
and this body decays.”

then the lights go dark
but the sun comes out
to shine and ricochet

darkness fades with
fluttering eyes
and silence fills over
pulsing heart

a realisation then begins
of a distorted reality
where i was the buidling
falling for the earth
and love was the one
trying to save every part
in me from being
swallowed by you

because you are
the earth, the quakes
and the hurricane
you are the one
i have adored
despite
the
pain.


(A.H.Z)

to who you truly are.

Maybe when I'm on the news
And the headlines tell the world I'm dead..
Maybe you'll keep your mouth shut
For the other girls you use..
Spare there lifes..
When you didn't care enough to spare mine
I thought you would understand considering that you're depressed to
But no
Instead of telling people the truth
You lie, And I understand because that's all you know how to do..
But the fact that I gave you what you wanted
And you play me like a fool..
Because you couldn't keep your mouth shut
You couldn't stop the narcissistic behavior for just one day
And I
just don't know what to do anymore
And I'm so embarrassed.
After what you did
Even if there not laughing at me
I still don't want you to be hurt
Because everyone's laughing at you..
What you said, sure it hurts
News flash, I still really care about you
But don't blame me, if I don't have the strength to see you again
To return your smiles
Or say yes to your desires
It's too late now
For everything
For hope
For us
For me.

I used to think I had
No secrets.
I used to think I was
And open book.
That everyone knew everything.

Lately I've become just the
Opposite.
Everything about me is a
Secret.
No one knows it.
My parents can search my
Name all they want.
They'll never read into my words
Enough to see.
My friends can inquire
About my feelings
All they want.
They'll never get it
Out of me.
Not enough to see.

A detail here.
A detail there.
That's all they'll ever uncover.
They'll never dig up
Those deep, dark
Mysteries of me
That I cannot bear to write down.
Much less speak aloud.
Those enigmas that come
Bearing no adjectives,
No words holding the correct terms to define these feelings.

These secrets keep me up
At night.
These secrets keep me on
The run
For something more.

I'm tired of it all
Being short , not being tall
Sick& depressed
An ever need for rest
Binge, purge, cut , starve
A human shell, pleas don't tell
I'm a girl who needs time
For some piece of mind
It'll take me a while to cough up a smile
Let me sleep ,let me rest
Ill surface my best
You'll be disappointed
I'm broken , no token, no prize, no win
Anxious and stale
I beg you don't tell,
Fatigued and relieved
My tiring shell indeed

I thought I was in love with him
It's possible I was.
What's not discernible is
Whether I fell
Out of love
Or whether
We've just changed.

Has he always been
Just like this?
Such a fake?
Such a materialist?
Such a conceited being?
Was I blind?

I'm concerned that I wasted a
Year of my time
On someone that was
Already
Too far gone.
Someone who never had intentions
Of improving.

Was I blind?
Or has he gone down drain?
It's gag-inducing
Nauseating
Sickening
To listen to him speak
To watch him walk
His words bear no weight
Every syllable empty and meaningless
His personality is
A literal mask
There is no human within that
Costume.
There is no soul within that
Being.

That being.
That being that caused my
Infatuation.
A whole year.
If I could go back,
I'd learn quicker.
I'd see deeper
Sooner.
So much time wasted.
So many words wasted.

I don't want those 5 nickels
I want my time back.
You wasted my time.
You never had any intention of catching me.
You never had any intention of changing ways.
And now you're even
Worse yet.
Don't tell me that
You're trying.
Your words hold no meaning.
Utter nonsense.
It's all a lie.
You are a lie.