when i was a little girl -
i believed my daddy was the smartest man in the world.
he knew everything. everything.
if i had a question, daddy had an answer, and a good one.
always.

his degree was in biology,
but he preached from a pulpit every sunday.
his friends, colleagues, congregation, all knew him as Pastor Brett.
to me he was just daddy -
and he was the smartest man in the world.

on days when i couldn't understand my own head,
(which were, and still are, very often)
and got frustrated with myself to the point of tears,
he would kiss my cheeks and promise me i wasn't stupid.
and coming from him, the smartest man i knew, that meant the world.

as years passed and i grew, my naivety remained with me,
and so i thought i was too smart to fall into life's traps.
i fell. i fell fast. i fell hard. i fell often. and i shattered.
each time, the smartest man in the world picked up my pieces
and reassured me i was still welcome in his home.

he never loved me any less, much to my bewilderment.
however, as my faults increased in frequency and severity,
he picked up my pieces now with weathered hands and weary eyes.
his smile was weaker, and a deep pain stirred in the chocolate irises behind his wire-rimmed glasses.

my deception morphed into vines that constricted and twisted and choked out the truth.
he poured out his love onto an underserving me, and said that God would still forgive.
but i, daughter of the smartest man in the world, am a fool.
and by my own two hands, i continued to sink.

he leaves me to pick up my own pieces now, not loving me any less,
but too weak, too exasperated, too heartbroken to do it himself as he always had.
he is done. he loves me and i know it. he shows it. but he is done.
my tears bore him. my half-true stories and pitiful excuses move in one ear and out the other.
he is stone-faced, no longer shocked by my confessions so i leave them unspoken.

his kisses, sear my flesh. his love burns because i know i don't deserve a single shred of it.
i wish he hated me. i wish we could fight. that would make things easier, right?
but he won't. he just won't. he loves me so much and i can't stand it.
but he is done. i broke my father, and his heart, for nothing.

he asked me why i do the things i do,
why i don't just stop it. why i keep on hurting him and my mother.
i didn't have an answer. all i had to offer the smartest man in the world,
was a dry mouth and empty hands.

m.f.

He opens his Star Wars: A New Hope lunch box
Inside a hippies dream.
**** in baggies that have the superman symbol
And Batman symbol on them
Tabs of LSD
And molly.
Hunter S. Thompson would have a field day

©Gambit '13

You will never know what it means
to be a father, until you have a son.

The overflowing joy, and the love
that echoes in the ***** of my being
when I looked upon you;
the sense of honor when I’m able to pass
on something good into your hands;
the heartbreak brought by my demons
that keep me from being the man
I want you to see.

The man that stands in front of you
or has left your life, who
has the power over you — for good
and for bad — that will never let go,
is the man you’ll only see.
A privilege, a great burden it is to be that man.

Sense of manhood, self-worth, responsibility
to the world around you — there’s something
that must be passed from me to you.

Yet, to put this in words is hard.
A time when it’s hard to speak from the heart —
that’s where we live. My life is tainted
by thousands negligibility, and the poetry
of my spirit in silenced by the thoughts
and cares of daily affairs.
The song of being a man is silent.
I find myself full of advice but devoid of belief.

I don’t have all the answers to your questions
but I do understand. I see you struggling
and discovering, striving upward
and I see myself reflected in your soul.
So I can say, I have been there.

To walk, run and fall, I’ve learned.
I have had my first love, my first heartbreak.
Sadness and fear, all of them I’ve known.
I have wept tears of sorrows and joy
but knew that God’s hands were on my shoulders.
On moments of darkness, I thought I’d
never see light, but He’s the light.
I want you to be near Him, the Light.
I have felt myself emptied into the
secret of the universe, moments when the
smallest slight threw me into rage.
When I barely had the strength to walk myself,
I have carried others, yet some other times
I left them standing by the side of the road
with their eyes begging.
There are times I feel I’ve done enough
and better as what others expect; yet other times
I feel I am a charlatan, a failure.

I am a man, as you are.

And albeit you’ll walk your own earth
and move through your own clock,
the same sun that rose on me, will rise on you.
The same seasons, the same paths.
We will always be different,
but will always be the same.

These aren’t meant to make you into me,
rather, I’d like you to use them in yours.
To watch you become your own self
is my joy. To be your father is no more like being
the Summa *** Laude in my class, it’s much more.
You allowed me to touch mystery for a moment
You are my love made flesh,
and I want you to pass that love along.

Brotherly love, never fades
Never lose sight of the moments you create
Monuments in memory
Dedicated to all things blanket-made
Childhood games became our names,
We were molded by the pretend we liked to play
But we were never pretending
No
Imagination wasn't too far away
We've been knights and cowboys
Superheroes defending,
keeping our home safe
Like in our heart of hearts
There was nothing there to hate
Nothing to hurt us except the villains we would slay

Then the day crept up on us
Finally forcing the icy touch of separation
Sixth grade, everything changed us
Seventh grade we were distant,
Eighth grade we almost gave up.
Thought we grew up but we grew apart
Looking back on how it happened almost breaks my heart.

My brother was just coming in
Just another middle school kid
On the bottom of the pile
And I was on the top
Looking down at him and his friends
This is when innocence ends.
He just wanted to hang with me and Wes
Wanted it to be like it had been
Wanted to be closer than close,
Wanted to define brotherhood again
And I should have let him.
But instead I left him.
A sociopathic ******* is what I am.
Like an idiot
Like a nothing I know how to explain
I just pushed him away
Like an opponent in the ring,
I kept him at arm's length
In his moment of ascendence
I kept him stationary

We had always made each other friends
Sharing buddies like they were ours to share
And nobody but us had the right to care
So when he got to school, a strange foreign place
And introduced his new friends with a smile on his face
He expected a reception better than what I gave him
No pride or excitement for him in the words:
"Go away."

God.
What did I say?
I watched as the smile widened.
He thought I was joking and he shoved it aside
He has always been the kind of person to keep trying
But when we got home that night I saw he was crying
Mom tried to explain:
"Honey, your brother is a different age.
He's going through things
And you'll do the same
You probably both need to find other friends anyway."
And he saw me standing in the door
He raised his hands to wipe his tears away
Then he got up off the floor
And he asked
"Why don't you want to hang out with me?"
I will never forgive myself for saying
"You and your friends are annoying."

And for every time he said "Please?"
I said no.
Until he didn't talk anymore.
I felt nothing.
Not until he left, saying
"I hate you."
I heard those words echoing into everything,
And I swore
I wouldn't be a bad big brother anymore

Somehow,
We got through.
Somehow.
Now we're still brothers
But I can still feel the distance I put between us
From all those years ago
And now I wish night and day that I had never said no.
I don't know if he remembers
But to me every image is so vivid
Every word we spoke is like a curse invoked
Every time I turn off the lights
I'm haunted by the same ghosts
Of two brothers on a trampoline,
Smiling,
Dreaming up castles and moats.
They turn to me and we lock eyes
And somehow I know
The enemy they were fighting all along
Was the thought of letting each other go.





Dedicated to Trevor,
T-Man
Always at my back
And always in my heart.

I love you.

You're the best brother I could have asked for.